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Is Adult Children Living in the Family Home a Good Thing?
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All of what you have gone through doesn’t make you a better, more resilient person than others. There are other ways to learn those life skills.
How do you know whether or not a person who works hard at home in a family business since they left school would not have those ‘life skills’? People experience and learn different situations through work not just college alone. It’s still possible to show empathy towards others despite not having been in similar situations.
College life, Erasmus etc is not for everyone. House sharing is not for everyone. Sharing meals with strangers is not for everyone. You don’t have to experience these situations to have a ‘world view’, and if you think you do then perhaps you need to widen the circle of people you know and learn from their experiences
Yes, such people do have a world view. A narrow one. Based on a narrow breadth of experience.
I'm generalising of course, but by and large.0 -
People need to accept the fact that living at home does not always mean you are not a fully functioning adult who is not well “rounded”.
Couldn't disagree more with this, and this is coming from someone also living at home.
If you have your own generous income yet don't contribute financially towards the bills/running of the home you live in & let your mother do your cooking and washing despite being an able bodied adult in your mid 30's, then you most certainly are not a fully functioning adult and you are not well rounded.
And not only does this person not do any of those things, they also staunchly defend the fact that they don't do it, as if it would be an unreasonable for an adult to cook their own food, do their own washing and pay their own bills.0 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »My mother would certainly question why I wanted to go cooking my own dinner when she is cooking dinner for the rest of the house anyway and would tell me I was being ridiculous if I gave the type of reasons given by some here that's for sure.
I’d be frankly alarmed by such questioning. Talk about overbearing. I’m trying to imagine standing there frying a pork chop and having to field questions from my mother about why I’m doing that. Nope, can’t.0 -
Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »I’d be frankly alarmed by such questioning. Talk about overbearing. I’m trying to imagine standing there frying a pork chop and having to field questions from my mother about why I’m doing that. Nope, can’t.
One thing my parents are certainly not is overbearing so you can forget that comment.
I could absolutely cook my own dinner and I'd be left alone to do it but initially it would certainly raise a few questions as to why I want to go to the hassle of it when dinner is being cooked anyway. It's certainly very much appreciated also coming in late from a days work and not having to face into cooking, I might spend two hours sorting an IT issue or something else in the house after dinner then which my parents can't do themselves. I spent 8 hours across two evenings fixing some electronic bits for my father last week, fixed for a 15 euro part of ebay, would have been over 100 euro to bring it somewhere.
Or in the spring going out to the sheep shed every week night for a few weeks at midnight and often not getting back inside until 2 or 3am after sorting a few sheep lambing and up for work in the morning.
Some people really need to stop losing their sh1t over a dinner and washing a few clothes. There is a hell of a lot more that goes on and ways to help out.0 -
No wonder the parents are spoiling you to keep you living there!Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »One thing my parents are certainly not is overbearing so you can forget that comment.
I could absolutely cook my own dinner and I'd be left alone to do it but initially it would certainly raise a few questions as to why I want to go to the hassle of it when dinner is being cooked anyway. It's certainly very much appreciated also coming in late from a days work and not having to face into cooking, I might spend two hours sorting an IT issue or something else in the house after dinner then which my parents can't do themselves. I spent 8 hours across two evenings fixing some electronic bits for my father last week, fixed for a 15 euro part of ebay, would have been over 100 euro to bring it somewhere.
Or in the spring going out to the sheep shed every week night for a few weeks at midnight and often not getting back inside until 2 or 3am after sorting a few sheep lambing and up for work in the morning.
Some people really need to stop losing their sh1t over a dinner and washing a few clothes. There is a hell of a lot more that goes on and ways to help out.0 -
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Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »One thing my parents are certainly not is overbearing so you can forget that comment.
I could absolutely cook my own dinner and I'd be left alone to do it but initially it would certainly raise a few questions as to why I want to go to the hassle of it when dinner is being cooked anyway. It's certainly very much appreciated also coming in late from a days work and not having to face into cooking, I might spend two hours sorting an IT issue or something else in the house after dinner then which my parents can't do themselves. I spent 8 hours across two evenings fixing some electronic bits for my father last week, fixed for a 15 euro part of ebay, would have been over 100 euro to bring it somewhere.
Or in the spring going out to the sheep shed every week night for a few weeks at midnight and often not getting back inside until 2 or 3am after sorting a few sheep lambing and up for work in the morning.
Some people really need to stop losing their sh1t over a dinner and washing a few clothes. There is a hell of a lot more that goes on and ways to help out.
You do a lot for them, sure. But honest question - if your parents sold the farm tomorrow, would you no longer expect any of the stuff they do for you?0 -
Claw Hammer wrote: »No wonder the parents are spoiling you to keep you living there!
It's like The Waltons except John boy is 400 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »One thing my parents are certainly not is overbearing so you can forget that comment.
I could absolutely cook my own dinner and I'd be left alone to do it but initially it would certainly raise a few questions as to why I want to go to the hassle of it when dinner is being cooked anyway. It's certainly very much appreciated also coming in late from a days work and not having to face into cooking, I might spend two hours sorting an IT issue or something else in the house after dinner then which my parents can't do themselves. I spent 8 hours across two evenings fixing some electronic bits for my father last week, fixed for a 15 euro part of ebay, would have been over 100 euro to bring it somewhere.
Or in the spring going out to the sheep shed every week night for a few weeks at midnight and often not getting back inside until 2 or 3am after sorting a few sheep lambing and up for work in the morning.
Some people really need to stop losing their sh1t over a dinner and washing a few clothes. There is a hell of a lot more that goes on and ways to help out.
i fix it problems for my parents all the time, and help them out fixing stuff,
i dont use that as a justification to live there, have my washing and cooking done and pay not rent, nor should you.0 -
I have adult children living here.
None seems to think a need to make a contribution, or even aware of the impact
Apart from money,there is an invasion on my personal space (my washing machine is full of others things, my coffee all gone , etc. etc.)
Perhaps I am just intolerant but I am starting to feel a nuisance in my own house
Why don't you ask them for a contribution?0 -
All of what you have gone through doesn’t make you a better, more resilient person than others. There are other ways to learn those life skills.
How do you know whether or not a person who works hard at home in a family business since they left school would not have those ‘life skills’? People experience and learn different situations through work not just college alone. It’s still possible to show empathy towards others despite not having been in similar situations.
College life, Erasmus etc is not for everyone. House sharing is not for everyone. Sharing meals with strangers is not for everyone. You don’t have to experience these situations to have a ‘world view’, and if you think you do then perhaps you need to widen the circle of people you know and learn from their experiences
Sorry, but no.
I'm not saying everyone has to have these specific experiences. They are just examples of the kind of things you do and learn when you move away from home. It's just an example of how meeting all different kinds of people and encountering different opinions shapes you.
If you're in your thirties and have lived at home all your life, bar a few years 'house sharing' when you basically came home every weekend with your dirty washing and to pick up meals made by Mammy for the week ahead, you have not lived a normal adult life. Your entire world view consists of your parents' opinions and an extremely narrow slice of experience of life. A major part of growing up and becoming your own person is to get outside that comfort blanket and experience the world on your own.
I couldn't even imagine being my age and my entire life revolving around my family and going out drinking with people from my area who are just like me. This is why nox has such a distorted view of what 'normal' is. He has spent his entire life surrounded by people just like himself, and so he thinks this is what the world is like. He has refused absolutely any experience which he deemed uncomfortable, enabled by his parents, and missed out on important formative experiences. I suppose if you don't know what you're missing, you could still be grand with this, but it's still not living a normal life.0 -
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i fix it problems for my parents all the time, and help them out fixing stuff,
i dont use that as a justification to live there, have my washing and cooking done and pay not rent, nor should you.
You appear to think I have been asked to pay rent and refused.
If I tried to pay rent it would be refused. If I gave it anyway I'd find it moved back to my account pretty much instantly. They would find it just as crazy a concept as I do, I know as we laughed about it after a previous thread discussing similar prompted me to say it to them about this whole paying rent to live at home.
I do pay for the internet for the house btw as I arranged to have it installed so just put it in my name. I never really said I had an issue with taking on a bill or two or contributing towards food IF the parents want it but many simply don't want or need the contribution. Its the idea of paying a large fixed monthly amount well into the hundreds to live at home which I find a bit mad especially as many are living at home to cut down their living costs significantly. I never paid as much to rent rooms as some are paying to live at home.lainey_d_123 wrote: »I couldn't even imagine being my age and my entire life revolving around my family and going out drinking with people from my area who are just like me. This is why nox has such a distorted view of what 'normal' is. He has spent his entire life surrounded by people just like himself, and so he thinks this is what the world is like. He has refused absolutely any experience which he deemed uncomfortable, enabled by his parents, and missed out on important formative experiences. I suppose if you don't know what you're missing, you could still be grand with this, but it's still not living a normal life.
This is quite a totally inaccurate overview. I work in a field which is very international, I have friends from all over the world who I have met through work and work everyday with people from abroad living here and with people in other countries. I also travel quite a lot for work in both Europe and the US. So you are very wide of the mark.0 -
Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »You do a lot for them, sure. But honest question - if your parents sold the farm tomorrow, would you no longer expect any of the stuff they do for you?
In a similar way to Knox I help out at home because I enjoy it. I have no entitlement to anything but I still don’t mind helping. In return I get to live there whilst saving.
I’d never deny anyone the opportunity to save money if they had to need to do so.0 -
lainey_d_123 wrote: »Sorry, but no.
I'm not saying everyone has to have these specific experiences. They are just examples of the kind of things you do and learn when you move away from home. It's just an example of how meeting all different kinds of people and encountering different opinions shapes you.
I couldn't even imagine being my age and my entire life revolving around my family and going out drinking with people from my area who are just like me. This is why nox has such a distorted view of what 'normal' is. He has spent his entire life surrounded by people just like himself, and so he thinks this is what the world is like. He has refused absolutely any experience which he deemed uncomfortable, enabled by his parents, and missed out on important formative experiences. I suppose if you don't know what you're missing, you could still be grand with this, but it's still not living a normal life.
What you regard to be “normal” may not be though. Everyone’s sense of the norm differs.
I’m curious to know what you consider to be a “formative” experience? It’s just I know so many people who work at home in the family business, possibly living there or nearby and find it a great lifestyle choice.
I find your attitude to be very condescending to anyone who has not perhaps had the opportunity to go to college or further their education or even travel. It doesn’t mean they’re not ”normal”0 -
In a similar way to Knox I help out at home because I enjoy it. I have no entitlement to anything but I still don’t mind helping. In return I get to live there whilst saving.
I’d never deny anyone the opportunity to save money if they had to need to do so.
In my case I look after the aul lads cars and have done for the last 25 years or so. One of the brothers is a central heating engineer so all their plumbing and heating he looks after. 2 of the brothers are electricians so they look after that side of it. It all adds up when you're running 2 houses.
Another brother would be unskilled but In fairness he always gave the house a good clean whenever the folks went down the country.
If we were fcuked out at 18 and we were scattered to the 4 winds, I doubt we'd be in a hurry to make time to look after them as much.
Certainly if I was house sharing in my mid 30s with 15 euro a week to spend on food anyway.0 -
What you regard to be “normal” may not be though. Everyone’s sense of the norm differs.
I’m curious to know what you consider to be a “formative” experience? It’s just I know so many people who work at home in the family business, possibly living there or nearby and find it a great lifestyle choice.
I find your attitude to be very condescending to anyone who has not perhaps had the opportunity to go to college or further their education or even travel. It doesn’t mean they’re not ”normal”
You keep missing the point. Those who live at home, but contribute financially & maintain their independence by looking after themselves and who are actively trying to better their situation are not being judged. Those who live at home without offering up a cent & expect and allow their parents to do their dirty work are being judged.
I also live at home and don't feel one bit personally attacked or offended by any of the comments in this thread because I pay my way and look after mysef, because I am a fully functioning independant adult.
That's the difference.0 -
I also live at home and don't feel one bit personally attacked or offended by any of the comments in this thread because I pay my way and look after mysef, because I am a fully functioning independant adult.
That's the difference.
Ah but sure would you not have the mammy at least make your dinner and wash your clothes?
Have to make her feel needed afterall.0 -
You keep missing the point. Those who live at home, but contribute financially & maintain their independence by looking after themselves and who are actively trying to better their situation are not being judged. Those who live at home without offering up a cent & expect and allow their parents to do their dirty work are being judged.
I also live at home and don't feel one bit personally attacked or offended by any of the comments in this thread because I pay my way and look after mysef, because I am a fully functioning independant adult.
That's the difference.
I dont think it’s fair to ever judge anyone on their personal circumstances.
If adult children live at home and parents have no problem a rent free arrangement then it shouldn’t make anyone consider you a lesser person.
I’m still well able to cook, clean, wash pay bills etc I just have the advantage of living rent free with meals thrown in as it’s not a major deal to include me and save away at the same time.
I do agree that anyone living at home like a hermit and looking for free meals, washing etc as an adult perhaps not even working, is a completely different scenario and that can be terribly unfair on all involved.0 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »You appear to think I have been asked to pay rent and refused.
If I tried to pay rent it would be refused. If I gave it anyway I'd find it moved back to my account pretty much instantly. They would find it just as crazy a concept as I do, I know as we laughed about it after a previous thread discussing similar prompted me to say it to them about this whole paying rent to live at home.
I do pay for the internet for the house btw as I arranged to have it installed so just put it in my name. I never really said I had an issue with taking on a bill or two or contributing towards food IF the parents want it but many simply don't want or need the contribution. Its the idea of paying a large fixed monthly amount well into the hundreds to live at home which I find a bit mad especially as many are living at home to cut down their living costs significantly. I never paid as much to rent rooms as some are paying to live at home.
It’s not either/or. You can make big savings whilst still contributing. And this whole “If I offered, they refuse”. If you said it was important to you to contribute, I’m sure they’d accept. You just need to be firm. Something tells me you wouldn’t insist. But there are other ways to treat them. Paying for meals out etc. Very easy to pay for the meal on the way back from the bathroom. They might not be as resistant as you think. Everyone likes being treated every so often. What they can afford isn’t the point. It’s an expression of gratitude.0 -
Surely this needs to be moved to Personal Issues at this stage!0
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lainey_d_123 wrote: »Sorry, but no.
I'm not saying everyone has to have these specific experiences. They are just examples of the kind of things you do and learn when you move away from home. It's just an example of how meeting all different kinds of people and encountering different opinions shapes you.
If you're in your thirties and have lived at home all your life, bar a few years 'house sharing' when you basically came home every weekend with your dirty washing and to pick up meals made by Mammy for the week ahead, you have not lived a normal adult life. Your entire world view consists of your parents' opinions and an extremely narrow slice of experience of life. A major part of growing up and becoming your own person is to get outside that comfort blanket and experience the world on your own.
I couldn't even imagine being my age and my entire life revolving around my family and going out drinking with people from my area who are just like me. This is why nox has such a distorted view of what 'normal' is. He has spent his entire life surrounded by people just like himself, and so he thinks this is what the world is like. He has refused absolutely any experience which he deemed uncomfortable, enabled by his parents, and missed out on important formative experiences. I suppose if you don't know what you're missing, you could still be grand with this, but it's still not living a normal life.
to be fair, the thing is that nox actually doesn't have a distorted view of what normal is, but simply a different view and perspective on what normal is compared to you and some others.
it doesn't mean his version is wrong per say, it's ultimately normal to him and those around him. your normal is wrong to him, and his to you, and ultimately that's okay.
normal means different things to different people, and while some may share the same perspective on a basic level, there may even be differences within the main viewpoint on various aspects.ticking a box on a form does not make you of a religion.
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Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »Your not selling it.
Expert the part where I have lived out of home for quite a few years in house shares and with my wife before being back party living at home now.
Personally I am very happy with how things have gone and are going with my life, career etc and certainly no worse off for having not had to go though living with 20 people or having to eat beans on toast or what ever other “great life lessons” people promote.
On the other hand I have gone down very challenging routes in education and career which I am very happy about doing. A much better use of energy and stress. Next challenge will be managing a self build along with working but well worth it to have a house designed the way I want and built where I want.
Nothing wrong with beans on toast! Or beans without toast.... :eek:0 -
Graces7 wrote:Nothing wrong with beans on toast! Or beans without toast....
Or the ultimate, beans on cheese on toast!0 -
I know a lot of hard working people from agricultural, mechanical and educational backgrounds who are not in the least bit sad. There are a lot of people working in this country who live in this manner and are getting on with life just fine.
People need to accept the fact that living at home does not always mean you are not a fully functioning adult who is not well “rounded”.
Depends on what you mean by " fully functioning " What we are seeing is acute introversion and all focussed on " me and how I like things. "
No challenges there and we all need challenges to develop and grow.0 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »Well I have but when I make these points they are ignored. I spent quite a few years living out of home. Even now I don’t live at home all the time, some of the week is spent at my wives house but work location makes staying at home more convenient most of the week.
Are you living rent/ bill free at your wife's house too?
Does she do your weekend cooking and washing?0 -
Are you living rent/ bill free at your wife's house too?
Does she do your weekend cooking and washing?
No (contribute An agreed proportion to mortgage and bills) , shared (cooking) , most of the time (though weekend washing is usually little or nothing). Totally different scenario and incomparable with living at home.0 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »
This is quite a totally inaccurate overview. I work in a field which is very international, I have friends from all over the world who I have met through work and work everyday with people from abroad living here and with people in other countries. I also travel quite a lot for work in both Europe and the US. So you are very wide of the mark.
And yet you don't seem to be able to see anyone else's point of view, seem to consider any situation which isn't living in your Mammy's comfortable house as unspeakable hardship and have never faced any of the challenges which make people into well-rounded adults.
I do understand the kind of background you're from as I have family and close friends who grew up in rural areas and are very close to their families, built a house beside them, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to live close to family. But in your case you don't seem to have branched out at all. Most of the other people I know in your situation lived away for college in halls, did a year studying abroad, lived abroad for a few years (or at least in Dublin) and definitely don't still live with their parents and get their washing done in their thirties.0 -
lainey_d_123 wrote: »
I do understand the kind of background you're from as I have family and close friends who grew up in rural areas and are very close to their families, built a house beside them, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to live close to family. But in your case you don't seem to have branched out at all. Most of the other people I know in your situation lived away for college in halls, did a year studying abroad, lived abroad for a few years (or at least in Dublin) and definitely don't still live with their parents and get their washing done in their thirties.
So I lived away for a few years but that doesn’t count because it wasn’t during college, wasn’t Dublin, wasn’t overcrowded and I wasn’t skint etc?0 -
What you regard to be “normal” may not be though. Everyone’s sense of the norm differs.
I’m curious to know what you consider to be a “formative” experience? It’s just I know so many people who work at home in the family business, possibly living there or nearby and find it a great lifestyle choice.
I find your attitude to be very condescending to anyone who has not perhaps had the opportunity to go to college or further their education or even travel. It doesn’t mean they’re not ”normal”
I'd consider 'normal' along the lines of 'what the vast majority of people do'. Nox keeps trying to argue that it's perfectly normal and common for adults to live at home and get their washing and cooking done into their thirties...it just isn't.
I'd class formative experiences as things that shape you, away from your families and the values you grew up with. Things that challenge your world view. Grown adults are not supposed to be exactly like their parents and think exactly like them. When you meet people who are 35 and talk and act like a 70-year-old farmer, it's a sign they haven't ever developed a personality and opinions of their own. How can you fully choose your lifestyle when you've never experienced anything else?
There's nothing condescending about thinking that people should leave home and live their own lives instead of staying in the comfortable bubble they grew up in. I don't know why you're making it about money or opportunity because Nox's parents are clearly very wealthy. Mine are very poor and that's part of the reason I had to leave at a young age and carve out my own path. I've had plenty of hard times and challenges along the way but have met all sorts of people, done all sorts of things and developed as a person since I left school. As someone else said, you *need* challenges to become a rounded, mature person. Taking the easy, comfortable route every single time and being enabled to do so doesn't exactly make someone a wordly person.0 -
Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »So I lived away for a few years but that doesn’t count because it wasn’t during college, wasn’t Dublin, wasn’t overcrowded and I wasn’t skint etc?
I'm 99% sure you were one of those people who thought they 'lived away' and yet went home every single weekend with a suitcase of washing for mammy, came back up on Sunday night with tupperwares full of Mammy's dinners for the week, hanging out with either friends you already knew from home or people from your area exactly like you.
Am I wrong?0 -
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lainey_d_123 wrote: »I'm 99% sure you were one of those people who thought they 'lived away' and yet went home every single weekend with a suitcase of washing for mammy, came back up on Sunday night with tupperwares full of Mammy's dinners for the week, hanging out with either friends you already knew from home or people from your area exactly like you.
Am I wrong?
You are probably about 20% right I would say. Home most weekends but not everyone, might bring one dinner if there was left overs but not always and I’d cook most of the week. If I was going home I’d bring washing if I wasn’t I’d do it. I still have the core group of friends that we formed in 1st year in secondary school but I made loads of others through work from all over the world. I would see this as a very normal way to spend your mid 20’s, considering I know lots who never moved out of home until they had their own houses/got married in their late 20’s (which I would also see as normal btw).
I still don’t see the need to do a lot of what you have especially the need to “struggle” in order to have “grown up”. There is plenty of struggles in life without going outside your comfort zone in regards to where you live, type of place you live, people you live with etc if it’s not necessary. Yes some people have no choice but I see no reason to willingly do it.0
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