Is Adult Children Living in the Family Home a Good Thing?

foodie86

[Deleted User] wrote: »

To be fair, you wrote:









Which makes it sound like you very much do have a load of kids.

The “can’t wait” part implies looking forward to something that has yet to happen.

Interesting how people feel they can disregard my opinion because I don’t have children, yet they find it difficult to accept the views of those like my parents who allow me to live comfortably at home as an adult and have no problem in doing so. I hold similar values to my parents as does my fiancé.

I know plenty of people saving for retirement to head off and live the dream and I’m very happy for them. Doesn’t make them any better than me though.

Oh and I can’t wait to move out and live with my fiancé once married, and I know well my mother will miss me, but that’s for another thread...

AulWan

I personally always saw Mrs Doyle as a desperately sad, slightly pathetic character. But funny, in a deserately sad, pathetic way.

foodie86

foodie86 wrote: »

The “can’t wait” part implies looking forward to something that has yet to happen.

No, the way you wrote it makes it sound like you can't wait for your kids to come over tomorrow or the next day.


But regardless, everyone's interpretation is different.

Interesting how people feel they can disregard my opinion because I don’t have children

Hardly a surprise. My brother has two kids. They're grand. I don't mind them at all. If I was stuck with them living with me full time, my opinion might change, though.

beauf

AulWan wrote: »

I personally always saw Mrs Doyle as a desperately sad, slightly pathetic character. But funny, in a deserately sad, pathetic way.

You might be taking her character too literally. Especially if you don't have a similar context in your own experience. I always wonder how much goes above younger generations when they watch Ted because much of what it references has long vanished from Irish life.

https://www.learntoinfluence.com/maybe-i-like-the-misery/

foodie86

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No, the way you wrote it makes it sound like you can't wait for your kids to come over tomorrow or the next day.


But regardless, everyone's interpretation is different.





Hardly a surprise. My brother has two kids. They're grand. I don't mind them at all. If I was stuck with them living with me full time, my opinion might change, though.

I moved home in my late 20’s, two older family members were still also at home at that stage. I suppose as an older adult I was gone from the partying stage and was very ok with helping out while saving money.

Living in a very large house so I barely see my parents if that’s how I want it. I can see however in a smaller home how it could become irritating for people constantly being under one another feet.

lainey_d_123

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

Well I have but when I make these points they are ignored. I spent quite a few years living out of home. Even now I don’t live at home all the time, some of the week is spent at my wives house but work location makes staying at home more convenient most of the week.

Living out of home but still taking your washing home etc. That's hardly being an independent adult. Where were all your formative experiences? Living in a house with 10 other people in Dublin/London/Paris/wherever, cooking massive shared dinners, arguing over chores and people hogging the washing machine...all the good and the bad that comes with being a young adult and starting out in the world?

I mean, you're now married and you still live with your parents...do you not want your own independent life with your wife in your own house??

beauf

foodie86 wrote: »

...Interesting how people feel they can disregard my opinion because I don’t have children, ....

There are always narrow minded people.

The question of single people and children is interesting. Some people simply don't need experience to "Get" something. Some have related experience, perhaps from siblings. Whereas other people definitely do experience before they "Get" something.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

I really never get the big deal that’s made out of cooking dinner and washing.

Ha! I’d say you would change your tune pretty quickly if you were the one doing those things for multiple people.

When I lived with my parents, I mostly did my own cooking and bought my own food. I used some shared items and contributed towards them. I can’t fathom a grown adult not doing so.

adrian92

I have adult children living here.

None seems to think a need to make a contribution, or even aware of the impact

Apart from money,there is an invasion on my personal space (my washing machine is full of others things, my coffee all gone , etc. etc.)

Perhaps I am just intolerant but I am starting to feel a nuisance in my own house

adrian92

Perhaps I am wrong, but I get the impression of a sense of entitlement from some adults living in their parents house

zerosugarbuzz

adrian92 wrote: »

I have adult children living here.

None seems to think a need to make a contribution, or even aware of the impact

Apart from money,there is an invasion on my personal space (my washing machine is full of others things, my coffee all gone , etc. etc.)

Perhaps I am just intolerant but I am starting to feel a nuisance in my own house

Can you suggest to them that they move out? Maybe you are making life too comfortable for them.

adrian92

That thought has crossed my mind, many times. But would result in an adverse reaction from my spouse, (Thanks for your idea, though)

Wanderer78

Unfortunately this was inevitable, when we decided it was best to stop building, we reap what we sow, this is now unresolveable

AulWan

adrian92 wrote: »

IPerhaps I am just intolerant but I am starting to feel a nuisance in my own house

I don't think you're intolerant. I think what you're starting to feel is quite normal. A friend of mine who is a family therapist explained it to me that (very simply put), there are stages in the parent/child relationship where a natural seperation should occur. e.g. going to school for the first time, pre-teens/teens, young adulthood - these are all natural progressions in the parent/child relationship and the adult child leaving the nest is one of them too. But when it is delayed, it has an impact on the parent too, and its not always a positive one.

Its been said many times on the thread already, its understandable for an adult child to delay leaving home or return short term due to financial reasons and the intention is to move back out again, or to get back on their feet after a breakup.

But I have yet to meet any parent (who actually has kids already) whose hopes and dreams for their kids is for them to grow up and never leave home while they (the parent) will still be doing their washing and cooking for them into their own later life. Not a single one.

And I guess thats all I have left to say on the matter because anything else is just going around in circles.

beauf

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Ha! I’d say you would change your tune pretty quickly if you were the one doing those things for multiple people.

When I lived with my parents, I mostly did my own cooking and bought my own food. I used some shared items and contributed towards them. I can’t fathom a grown adult not doing so.

Not every group of people does things the same way. Your idea of isolating your self in certain activities like cooking would be bad manners in some families and groups.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Living out of home but still taking your washing home etc. That's hardly being an independent adult. Where were all your formative experiences? Living in a house with 10 other people in Dublin/London/Paris/wherever, cooking massive shared dinners, arguing over chores and people hogging the washing machine...

You couldn’t seriously see that sort of hellish situation as a good thing? I wouldn’t live in that sort of crap situation in a million years, I’ve seen people in this type of setup and pitied them. I rented in house shares for a while in mid 20’s as it was too far to commute from home daily, but only in nice houses, sharing with 2 other people and everyone kept to themselves thankfully no expectation for having shared dinner (something I would have refused to be a part of if it ever was suggested by housemates (but it never was) or any arguing over chores. This is exactly the point I made earlier about what some people appear to call “independence” id call hardship and needless hardship if it can be avoided.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I mean, you're now married and you still live with your parents...do you not want your own independent life with your wife in your own house??

I live with them during the week as it’s closer to work and beside where we are building so handy for that and also for helping on the farm. I changed jobs to have one close to my home area (it also happened to be a very good opportunity which was a bonus) as this is where we are building and settling down, my wife will follow suit in time when she changes job to one nearby also

wench

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

I really never get the big deal that’s made out of cooking dinner and washing. Do you really expect that dinner would be cooked for the house but a person living at home left out and arrive home to cook their own dinner? You would swear dinner was being cooked especially.

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

A bit of cooking and washing, yeah big deal. Managing a farm along side a very busy and stressful full time job so my parents can get away on holidays a few time’s a year is one example of how these tasks are repaid.

Like when you cook dinner and you make a curry is adding an extra chicken breast to the pot really “slaving”?? Maybe is pouring out the extra 100g of rice?

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

everyone kept to themselves thankfully no expectation for having shared dinner (something I would have refused to be a part of if it ever was suggested by housemates (but it never was) or any arguing over chores. This is exactly the point I made earlier about what some people appear to call “independence” id call hardship and needless hardship if it can be avoided.

Why is shared meals a good thing when your mammy is doing the cooking, but a horrifying hardship in a shared house where you might have to do your share too?

wench

wench wrote: »

Why is shared meals a good thing when your mammy is doing the cooking, but a horrifying hardship in a shared house where you might have to do your share too?

I would not want to eat stuff prepared by other people in a house share. That opinion was only strengthened after seeing some the stuff people do when cooking.

I have no problem cooking and do the majority of the cooking at weekends etc. Cooking for 1 and cooking for multiple people is exactly the same no difference. Particularly as who actually cooks just enough for one person, most people cook the same amount and just reuse it themselves.

Ballso

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

I would not want to eat stuff prepared by other people in a house share. That opinion was only strengthened after seeing some the stuff people do when cooking

You don't want to eat food that isn't prepared the way your Mammy makes it. You aren't doing much to dispel the arguments that people mollycoddled into adulthood end up pitiable, insular, non empathic, ignorant adults.

lainey_d_123

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

You couldn’t seriously see that sort of hellish situation as a good thing? I wouldn’t live in that sort of crap situation in a million years, I’ve seen people in this type of setup and pitied them. I rented in house shares for a while in mid 20’s as it was too far to commute from home daily, but only in nice houses, sharing with 2 other people and everyone kept to themselves thankfully no expectation for having shared dinner (something I would have refused to be a part of if it ever was suggested by housemates (but it never was) or any arguing over chores. This is exactly the point I made earlier about what some people appear to call “independence” id call hardship and needless hardship if it can be avoided.

You are so incredibly narrow minded and insular and you don't even see it. It might be a cliche thing to say but a bit of hardship and struggling is character building. That's where you learn about people - you learn how to resolve conflicts, to get along with different people from different backgrounds/countries, to assert boundaries - all important life skills. And then there's the fact it isn't all negative. I'm still friends with people I met back in my early 20s in crowded house shares and on Erasmus. I made some amazing connections during 2am chats with crap Spanish beer, huge group dinners, bonding over moaning about the landlord. I learned loads from people and situations I was in, things you never experienced because you weren't willing to take one tiny step outside your comfort zone. You have no idea what you've missed out on.

You have never left the comfort blanket of your parents' house and it shows in your character, and not in a good way. It's like being permanently stunted at about age 14. You have never had the chance to experience anything that challenges your world view, the opinions held by your own parents. The huge changes most people go through when they leave home and branch out alone into the world simply haven't happened for you, and you can't even see why that's bad.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You are so incredibly narrow minded and insular and you don't even see it. It might be a cliche thing to say but a bit of hardship and struggling is character building. That's where you learn about people - you learn how to resolve conflicts, to get along with different people from different backgrounds/countries, to assert boundaries - all important life skills. And then there's the fact it isn't all negative. I'm still friends with people I met back in my early 20s in crowded house shares and on Erasmus. I made some amazing connections during 2am chats with crap Spanish beer, huge group dinners, bonding over moaning about the landlord. I learned loads from people and situations I was in, things you never experienced because you weren't willing to take one tiny step outside your comfort zone. You have no idea what you've missed out on.

Your not selling it.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You have never left the comfort blanket of your parents' house and it shows in your character, and not in a good way. It's like being permanently stunted at about age 14. You have never had the chance to experience anything that challenges your world view, the opinions held by your own parents. The huge changes most people go through when they leave home and branch out alone into the world simply haven't happened for you, and you can't even see why that's bad.

Expert the part where I have lived out of home for quite a few years in house shares and with my wife before being back party living at home now.

Personally I am very happy with how things have gone and are going with my life, career etc and certainly no worse off for having not had to go though living with 20 people or having to eat beans on toast or what ever other “great life lessons” people promote.

On the other hand I have gone down very challenging routes in education and career which I am very happy about doing. A much better use of energy and stress. Next challenge will be managing a self build along with working but well worth it to have a house designed the way I want and built where I want.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

beauf wrote: »

Not every group of people does things the same way. Your idea of isolating your self in certain activities like cooking would be bad manners in some families and groups.

Bad manners? Chatting away to my folks whilst cooking?

foodie86

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You are so incredibly narrow minded and insular and you don't even see it. It might be a cliche thing to say but a bit of hardship and struggling is character building. That's where you learn about people - you learn how to resolve conflicts, to get along with different people from different backgrounds/countries, to assert boundaries - all important life skills. And then there's the fact it isn't all negative. I'm still friends with people I met back in my early 20s in crowded house shares and on Erasmus. I made some amazing connections during 2am chats with crap Spanish beer, huge group dinners, bonding over moaning about the landlord. I learned loads from people and situations I was in, things you never experienced because you weren't willing to take one tiny step outside your comfort zone. You have no idea what you've missed out on.

You have never left the comfort blanket of your parents' house and it shows in your character, and not in a good way. It's like being permanently stunted at about age 14. You have never had the chance to experience anything that challenges your world view, the opinions held by your own parents. The huge changes most people go through when they leave home and branch out alone into the world simply haven't happened for you, and you can't even see why that's bad.

All of what you have gone through doesn’t make you a better, more resilient person than others. There are other ways to learn those life skills.

How do you know whether or not a person who works hard at home in a family business since they left school would not have those ‘life skills’? People experience and learn different situations through work not just college alone. It’s still possible to show empathy towards others despite not having been in similar situations.

College life, Erasmus etc is not for everyone. House sharing is not for everyone. Sharing meals with strangers is not for everyone. You don’t have to experience these situations to have a ‘world view’, and if you think you do then perhaps you need to widen the circle of people you know and learn from their experiences

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Bad manners? Chatting away to my folks whilst cooking?

My mother would certainly question why I wanted to go cooking my own dinner when she is cooking dinner for the rest of the house anyway and would tell me I was being ridiculous if I gave the type of reasons given by some here that's for sure.

Cyrus

folks anyone trying to get nox to see an alternative pov is wasting their time,

this is a man that will happily tell you that a night out consisting of 15 pints and some shorts is perfectly normal, not bad for his health and very much how everyone he knows carrys on their lives.

and to the poster above, are you seriously trying to say that someone who has never left home, works in a family business and hasnt gone to college is a rounded individual?

Cyrus

Cyrus wrote: »

folks anyone trying to get nox to see an alternative pov is wasting their time,

this is a man that will happily tell you that a night out consisting of 15 pints and some shorts is perfectly normal, not bad for his health and very much how everyone he knows carrys on their lives.

I don't see the people with alternative points of views accepting that mine is a perfectly acceptable and common way of doing things either.

Ballso

College life, Erasmus etc is not for everyone. House sharing is not for everyone. Sharing meals with strangers is not for everyone. You don’t have to experience these situations to have a ‘world view’, and if you think you do then perhaps you need to widen the circle of people you know and learn from their experiences

If I was looking to broaden my world view I wouldn't be seeking out people who live with their parents into their 30's, that's for sure.

There's nothing wrong with living a quiet unadventurous life in the family home, other than it being a bit sad. Going on the internet and lecturing people with actual real life experience outside your extremely narrow life experience like Nox does is utterly pathetic though. Cringeworthy stuff.

foodie86

Ballso wrote: »

If I was looking to broaden my world view I wouldn't be seeking out people who live with their parents into their 30's, that's for sure.

There's nothing wrong with living a quiet unadventurous life in the family home, other than it being a bit sad. Going on the internet and lecturing people with actual real life experience outside your extremely narrow life experience like Nox does is utterly pathetic though. Cringeworthy stuff.

I know a lot of hard working people from agricultural, mechanical and educational backgrounds who are not in the least bit sad. There are a lot of people working in this country who live in this manner and are getting on with life just fine.

People need to accept the fact that living at home does not always mean you are not a fully functioning adult who is not well “rounded”.

irelandrover

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

I don't see the people with alternative points of views accepting that mine is a perfectly acceptable and common way of doing things either.

Yes it is a perfectly acceptable way of doing things. No it is not a common way of doing things. Your family and friends do it. Even other people from rural areas here have told you it isn't common.

Ballso

foodie86 wrote: »

I know a lot of hard working people from agricultural, mechanical and educational backgrounds who are not in the least bit sad. There are a lot of people working in this country who live in this manner and are getting on with life just fine.

People need to accept the fact that living at home does not always mean you are not a fully functioning adult who is not well “rounded”.

That's your take and you are entitled to it. And I'm telling you that if I encountered someone in a business or social setting that told me they live with their parents at 35 (excepting those doing it for short term financial or caregiver reasons ofc) I would consider them something of a failure as an individual. Judging from the thread this seems to be relatively common. It is what it is, if you are happy in your life then you can just tip away, the opinion of some dope on the internet won't affect you.