What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

Filthy kernt!

Was making my way around Donnybrook, when wouldn’t you know the mornings breakfast caught up to me. Now, usually that’s no major problem. I’m around long enough to weather the breakfast roll & lucozade aftermath.

But today was different. Today was a busy morning so breakfast consisted of scarce more than a few benson & hedges and flat whites. 4 of each.

You can imagine the horror I was faced with. But nothing I was dealing with could prepare me for what was coming up next. As I said, I’m in or around Donnybrook, at this stage the only way i could be sure was catching a look at RTE studios.

Im desperate here so I approach the gates, security lad looks to be playing on his phone behind a magazine of some sort. He looks up and asked what business I have here, I explained as best I could I’m just looking for an outhouse or better.

Presumably he’s dealt with similar himself, or at least knows someone, because he gave me an escort to the nearest toilets. Have to say, I see there’s no money wasted on interiors here anyway.

Time for admiration can wait I muttered to myself. Nothing major to discuss there all was about what you’d expect.

On the way out I thought to myself, I might never be here again, sure I’ll give the urinal a bash. A bit of “territory” marking I suppose. All very primal.

But Jesus lads if I thought I was primal in that moment… as I approach the urinal, someone’s left their idea of a “present” in full view. A crude drawing and a note that said;

“catch yas on the BBC wankerz luv R & D xxx” written in what I assume to be Ryan Tubirdy or Dee Forbes shite. If not an amalgamation of both.

Dirty Kernts.

Brendan Bendar

Blew out a thin splatter of greenish midden into the slow closer this morning.

Left a lovely sheen over the back wall of the pan.

Said to meself as I surveyed the ‘damage’ that would look good on the new Irish Passport cover.

Baba Yaga

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120773904#Comment_120773904

id have thought that the stars shitters would be well secured by special forces types...wouldnt do to be taking a wizz beside such talent as tubs!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120776499#Comment_120776499

As I understand he opted to take extra money in the bank over security personnel.

Baba Yaga

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120776537#Comment_120776537

ffs tea spilled everywhere...laughed,loosed off a ripper,laughed harder at that,second ripper 😂...have to run,do a damage control check 😅 the work mates think ive definitly lost it now!

Baba Yaga

Update...was just a couple of good farts...no shart,no clean-up needed 😁

Sgt Hartman

I'm posting on my Jack Russell terrier Toby's behalf this morning. On Tuesday evening while out for his walkies he laid an extremely soft, messy cable on the footpath that left a puke green coloured stain after I cleaned it up with the poop bag. The nearest bin was at least 1km away so I was left carrying the poop bag for an unprecedentedly long time. The soft mess inside the bag reeked of a mixture of devilled onions and fireplace ashes which lingered in my nostrils for hours afterwards.

Slideways

Reminds me of the time I saw this posh lady try and scoop up here miniature poodles runny scutter off the pavement.

You were as well try and eat soup with a fork.

Good luck with that missus says I as I sauntered by. Some bang off it too 😂

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120780785#Comment_120780785

That’s what happens when you feed the fcukker cheap dog food.

Lad I know had a Russell and boasted he fed the lad on the cheapest dog food possible.

Pumped the fcukker up like an Eastern European bratwurst. Anyway took him for a spin on the Lùas and the worst happened…. Blew out a burst of runny dogshïte between Houston and the quays area and had no bag to dispose of the oily mess which stunk out the carriage.

Tram had to wait for a ‘hazardous matter’ cleaning crew to arrive.

Whole system up in a heap.

Sgt Hartman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120783913#Comment_120783913

There's no way I'd ever insult his Lordship by giving him the cheap stuff. He get a fortnightly delivery of the best gourmet food from Butternut Box. I think it was the fact that we included fish bites in his most recent delivery. They were pretty pungent upon opening 🤢

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120783975#Comment_120783975

No problem Sarge, knew you wouldn’t do that.

The dude I was referring to was a noted tight wad.

Fcukker even soaked rolled up pages of the Irish Mirror in Bisto gravy and gave it to poor Towser.

Lad said he fed Towser with a couple of soaked page threes and he shat out Linda Lusiardi’s chebs outside the bookies.

Complete tosser.

Sgt Hartman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120784237#Comment_120784237

Fcukker is right!! I would have reported that ba$tard for animal abuse. The poor dog.

On a lighter note, Toby's stools have took on a more normal form since. He's been passing nice, reasonably sturdy nuggets with only the minimum amount of oniony ash stink.

Brendan Bendar

Towser is very well now I’m glad to report, full to the brim in Royal Canin and shïtting like a belt fed mortar.

Lad is tip top.

Sgt Hartman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120786537#Comment_120786537

I'm delighted with that news. The Royal Canin is great stuff, it'll will keep his bowels moving like Ginger Rogers.

I happened to find myself in Lidl in Coolock yesterday trying to find a pizza oven they had on special.

No joy, but I said I’d pick up 12 cans of Guinness to get me through the GAA and golf coverage.

Was queuing up behind this wretched looking auld bint wearing her dressing gown when she lets an unmercifully loud ripper of a fart go.

“Jesus Christ” I muttered.

She turned around and shouted at me “what da phuukkk is your problem you 4-eyed kunttt”?

Then turned back around to finish loading the vodka, frozen pizza, cheap crisps and 9 rolls of Just Basics 2-ply toilet roll.

I’m a live and let live sort most of the time, but approximately 40% of jackeens should be rounded up and deported to the Bolivian rainforest.

Arthur Pants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120800790#Comment_120800790

She sounds rough, but mass deportation seems a tad harsh. What time of the day was this?

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120804879#Comment_120804879

I’d say early enough, build up of arse gas after …or ‘atter’ as they tend to say ,comes after a heavy intake of

cheap frozen grocery fuhherked into the micro and horsed back like a gannet.

Could blow a fcuking guard dog off his chain with a rasper atter that load.

Flutther the crotch band of of a Penneys set of trunks for sure, flutterin’ like an A319 in a 24 knot crosswind!!

Twitchy fcukers them.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120804879#Comment_120804879

Early afternoon Arthur. Offie wasn’t long open.

Arthur Pants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120804954#Comment_120804954

No excuse for a dressing gown at that hour.

JIdontknow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120807027#Comment_120807027

Probably the only thing covering her "bearded clam"

Arthur Pants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120808405#Comment_120808405

Makes sense that she would be 'hirsute'. Too lazy to shave.

EmmetSpiceland

Bit of decorum, lads, please. Getting, entirely, too excited.

good lord

mfceiling

Was in Sandyford yesterday and I felt the twitch. Knew I'd a good 5 minutes before I'd be in bother.

Went into a nearby facilities and there were 2 traps. Went into the first one and because I'm a regular reader of this thread I immediately checked the paper situation. None. No biggie. Moved next door and there was a fresh roll of quilted sitting on the cistern.

Did what God intended and just as I was tidying up down below, the door beside me nearly came off the hinges. Poor fecker barely got his bags down and he erupted. The noise was like nothing I'd ever heard before. It was like a powerhose mixed with a cement mixer loaded with rotten chicken fillets. I couldn't get out of my side quick enough as the smell was starting to take the paint off the walls.

I quickly washed up and got out as quick as my legs would allow. It was only after a minute or two I realised the poor bástard had nothing to clean the blast zone with. I thought of making my way back again but that would just be strange.

Sorry partner.

JIdontknow

That story reminds me of the story Billy Foster told about the Ryder cup… I’m sure Brendan being a connoisseur of the game heard this already, “Europe one up”…

When Tiger Woods was caught short in the toilet at the Ryder Cup | Life on Tour Podcast - YouTube

Grouptherapy

Dog was barking to get out earlier so off I went to the Oval Office.

Left a fine log there, but something I've never seen before - it turned sideways and lodged at the mouth of the outlet. Wasn't moved with the flush. Or the second courtesy flush.

There was no brush or other tool in the stall so I just had to leave if for the next punter.

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120817619#Comment_120817619

You did all you could. Unless you’ve got a wire hanger, or some other implement, to give it “the chop” that beast isn’t going anywhere for awhile.

Did you, at least, cover it with a few sheets of bog roll? Etiquette dictates that, even though there isn’t much you could do, you try limit the impact on the next “visitor”. A covering of paper would soften the blow somewhat.

Others may argue that it’s wasting paper and bad for the environment, and pipes, so it all depends on where you stand on that really. I, personally, feel it’s worth it to try conceal the offending “article”, but that’s just me.

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120817698#Comment_120817698

Correct and right ES.

I did indeed leave a couple of sheets over the reluctant log for the sake of modesty. And not sunny side up like some animals do.

You the man

A rope bridge kinda effort?