What's the etiquette here??

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119347344#Comment_119347344

Also, not to be used after manscaping.

cj maxx

Having my usual afternoon snack. Coffee and a Bickie. I felt the urge and stomach pain and hastily sat on the loo only to have what Aircraft Investigation would call an explosive decompression. .

Crop dusted the pan, did you?

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119357200#Comment_119357200

I do, I kinda like it.

Like Airwaves Gum for your chute.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119365218#Comment_119365218

Absolutely. One of those ones where even after wiping and wiping with bog roll still staining on it . Had to finish off with arse wipes.

It’s bum roll, wet wipes, then pat dry with bum roll again. Never finish up with wet wipes.

padd b1975

Think we might be over the worst as regards heat.

Might chance a few man-made fibres tomorrow.

Lewis_Benson

Had an aweful case of "hot hole" last night.

Farting like an old massey 335.

Eventually evacuated the hanger and a bit of relief, could have done with that airwaves arse edition afterwards.

Grouptherapy

Ah here.

Monday morning reached a new level of carnage earlier. Lifted the lid in the stall and was greeted with what looked like half a bag of bark mulch plus a few sheets of paper sunny side up. Backed out rapido holding my breath.

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119365575#Comment_119365575

Have resorted to wet wipes recently.

If definitely cleans the trapdoor better

mfceiling

Lads I'm in America and their traps are a disgrace. They should be brought up in front of a judge in The Hague.

Not only is the door a good 2 foot off the ground but the top of the door is no more than 5 feet tall. I'm not going to mention the panel gaps that would put a lada to shame.

Zero privacy for the most private of acts. Googled it and apparently they have reasons from, to stop drug use or to see if someone has collapsed. I'm calling bull on that. We in Europe have proper traps and I haven't noticed any reason to change that in my 47 years on this planet.

Slideways

Not to mention the high tide.

An older gentleman I know swears he had to cup the liathroidi to stop them getting dunked. He does admit the nut purse has taken to sagging a bit in his twilight years but having to hold up the jewels while dropping the kids off to the pool is a testament to poor design more so than gravity

Sgt Hartman

Really sorry to hear about the demise of your elderly cat Dr Phibes. My 6 month old Jack Russell has recently started to have a flatulence problem of his own, emitting silent bursts of putrid turnip gas into my face whilst sleeping on my lap. I couldn't be more proud of him.

On Saturday eve I had a spicy lamb jalfrezi washed down by two Cobra beers followed by a really good sesh in The Milestone pub in Balbriggan where I polished off about 8 Moretti beers and two Powers whiskeys. Surprising my head wasn't too bad the next morning but as soon as I took a sip from my coffee the Jalfrezi decided to take it's revenge. I suffered horrendous tummy rumbles followed by an urgent need to evacuate the bowels. I ran straight to the jacks and unleashed a volcanic explosion of red magma accompanied by scorching hot brimstone gas that would have overwhelmed a person of weaker constitution. My poor baloon knot was pulsating with fire. Honestly, it was like I was just buggered with a white hot poker. After wiping with ice cold water soaked bamboo bum roll, I took a big dollop of chamomile moisturizing lotion onto my finger and shoved it up as far as it could go and all around my ring. The sudden relief was like a mini orgasm of ice, flooding my entire body with pain relieving endorphins. It was an experience of agony and ecstasy I will never forget as long as I live.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119387709#Comment_119387709

American shiïtters especially in Sports Bars are vile contraptions.

I was with my mates in Myrtle Beach after a golf game and the place was packed.

Spotted this very large unit, big fcuking scoutmaster shorts on the kernt , road grading his way thru a mountain of Buffalo wings..Gets up waddles to the shïtters right beside the bar, almost full view, only half closes the trap door and proceeds to spatter what sounded like a sack of loose briquettes into the pool. Another ‘burst’ followed the ‘peleton’ and out he comes calm as you please.

Nobody batted an eyelid…..don’t think the fcuker even flushed.

Terrible stuff.

Floppybits

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119387709#Comment_119387709

Just back from America and nothing worse than the high tide, you feel like you are going to be sitting in your crap its that close. What I will say is the flush is superior, you nearly have to run out of the stall so as not to get sucked down when flushing.

Arthur Fent

Been hitting the peanuts the last few nights. Knew I was playing Russian roulette with the aul guts. Sure enough, the inevitable came home to roost this morning. Was on the way to work when I felt the warning signs. The guts gurgling away and nasty hot farts. Got into the office and headed straight for the traps. Door closed and the strides barely down when the arse cannon unleashed hell on the bowl. Burst after burst of foul smelling, watery mulch...the arse quacking away with loud, horrible farts in-between volleys. Worked up quite a sweat by the time it was over. Thank god, I'd a spare shirt in the office. Had a glance down while I was wiping. Looked like someone had wallpapered the back of the pan with woodchip, and fecked a carton of curry sauce over it ! What a way to start the day. Felt like a new man !

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119390274#Comment_119390274

That must be the reason Americans leave gaps in the stall doors and walls big enough to walk through.

Any trip to an American airport will leave you with nightmarish images of grossly overweight men huffing and puffing their rotten loads of Pepsi and dreadful Sbarro pizza down the high-suction steel pan.

We had an "anchor day" in our office today, so had to iron the shirt and head in to meet my colleagues. Decided to treat myself to a full fry-up in the subsidised canteen and washed it down with a mug of pretty rancid coffee. Wasn't long before I sensed the peasants revolting at the castle door, and I made my way at a brisk pace to the commodes. I was just closing the door of cubicle no 3 (1 is usually the site of fallout) when I saw a colleague of mine walk pass at an even quicker pace, rapidly close the door of cubicle 2; the clink of a belt being urgently opened, and then a monumental fart.

I wasn't exactly in there to have a snooze either, so the next minute sounded like an orchestra on LSD trying to tune up. Did that thing where you start to get a bit embarrassed after about 30 seconds, so did the old sigh and clench manoeuvrer to pause proceedings. Didn't stop Jim next door, and I soon decided to go for the knee grab and heave to finish up. I suppose I knew who he was, but he didn’t know who I was. The poor fúcker was still spurting 2 minutes later when I had tidied up and was leaving.

Saw him later on at a coffee dock, and he looked like death warmed up. Working from home obviously didn’t suit him.

 

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119396477#Comment_119396477

A fella would almost consider that a sackable offense Dr - straddling the chamber pot and you in the closet next door..

Larbre34

In fact, it almost takes us back, full circle, to the original post of this thread.

However, this latest infringement sounds like a public sector setup, so I don't imagine there'll be any sanction for doing his gick out of turn.

youtheman

I work in a modern office. I reckon they should play some loud 'elevator' music in the jacks so that a fellow can 'let rip' without disturbing the fellow is the next cubicle. Nothing worse that when you're about to 'explode' but you can see the faint outline of a pair of shoes immediately to one side of you. Puts one right off ones game!.

ILikeBoats

Timing it with the hand dryer is a discreet trick to hide the arse trumpets if necessary, but we're all in this together, we've been there. Just let it go.

youtheman

We had an auld lad, George, who worked for us years ago. He was well past retiring age but was employed as a general 'go-for' doing photocopying, shredding, internal post etc. George was 'old school', and followed the same routine every single day. First thing in the morning he went into the gents to 'adjust his comb-over'. This morning when he went in one of the cubicles was occupied by a very senior engineer (the 'serial crapper' as he was known). Said engineer finished up his business and beat a hasty retreat. Seconds later the M.D. arrived in (a Yank). He was greeted by 1) the sound of the cistern filling 2) a horrendous pong and 3) George standing at the sink. He just turned on his heels and exited stage left. George was just left to mutter "Fukk*n circumstantial evidence".

Slideways

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119401723#Comment_119401723

Overalls have become a thing of the past mostly but one right weirdo here still wears them.

He reckons that you can’t shït with any degree of comfort when they are draped around your ankles so he takes the boots off and hangs the overalls on the thunderbox door. it’s quite disconcerting to walk into the jacks and see a pair of boots sitting at the bottom of the stall door knowing that Brad is in there naked bar a pair of socks doing his drop off

Gant21

Might try a dozen pints of porter over the weekend to flush the system out.

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119403646#Comment_119403646

Splendid idea..

That'll take care of this evening's consumption..

mfceiling

Although the American facilities (the can or the John) are disgraceful in terms of privacy, I have to say the amount of public restrooms and the cleanliness of them are to be applauded.

There's barely a little seaside town or rest area that doesn't have clean, accessible bathrooms for public access.

We could learn a thing or 2 back home about providing decent facilities for those of us who are out and about.

The brother arrived back up from Galway today after 4 days of drinking, womanising, gambling, and tearing into the fried breakfasts.

He called over to the house earlier, and was looking dog rough. Asked me if I minded him using the downstairs shïtter. Had to be unusually forthright in telling him that I did mind, and that he should head across the road to the boozer to have a pint and destroy their facilities.

Slideways

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119404910#Comment_119404910

Incredibly rude.

I hope he gives you a Lynx Africa set for Christmas after a mean spirited stunt like that

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119404915#Comment_119404915

Jumping to conclusions there, young Slidey. The downstairs facilities are in close proximity to the kitchen, and my beloved was due home any minute. To preserve domestic harmony I decided to send a lad gooing for a pint anyway across the road to the relatively decently appointed shítters. Good wide Amritage Shanks bowls, pull chain flush, pint of excellent porter waiting for him when he arrived back out, racing on the telly.

Stuck the head in the door there a few minutes ago when I was coming back from walking the dog, and he was still there at the bar with his arm around the shoulder of some woman at least 15 years his senior. Peroxide blonde hair with black roots showing, leather trousers, gob on her like a bulldog's arsehole.

If he asks me if I would mind letting them use one of the spare rooms in about 4 hours time then he will get a similar response from me. Don't want to be listening to that.