What's the etiquette here??

Aglomerado

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119516709#Comment_119516709

That mask won't save her from the whack off that thing....

Slideways

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119536422#Comment_119536422

Were the cleaners just in or have you some old lads piss all over your breeches?

Nevin Parsnipp

Isn't it amazing the use you can get from from items completely at odds with their intended use. ?

Just unloaded a huge arse bolt in the upstairs....failed to move the kernt on the first two flushes....had to use the handle of my good Scotty Cameron putter to swizz it around a bit.

Happy to say she exited sharpish following the agitation procedure......putter handle looks OK ...grip looks clean ...might not even have to clean it .

Thanx Scotty....thinking he is missing a trick there ...might write to him to suggest a suitable slogan.

"Use the worlds best putter to improve your game ...handle can also be used to clear a blockage of sh1te from your toilet bowl !"

Catchy or what ?

CGI_Livia_Soprano

I’ve had a minor stomach bug for the last few days and I have been pissing pure bisto out of my arse ever since. Light a candle for me, boys, I’ve lit plenty of matches in the interim.

Slideways

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119565547#Comment_119565547

That might explain your belligerent and confrontational posting of late.

Might I be so forward as to suggest some green bananas and a cup of ovaltine for yourself my dear

CGI_Livia_Soprano

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119572557#Comment_119572557

Thank you for your good wishes.

Larbre34

Every word of this is factual, I swear on my family's lives.

Yesterday afternoon I drove home from participating in Quest Lough Derg. I took the old N7 back as far as Nenagh in order to fuel up and grab some groceries.

As I neared the outskirts of Nenagh from the west, I came off a roundabout onto the last stretch into the town, I noticed a red Toyota pulled in on the hard shoulder with a large man running towards a side turning into fields and farmland.

'Oh dear', I reasoned quickly to myself, 'perhaps a livestock animal is loose, I had better slow down and use caution passing this side road, in case it appears at speed and damages my car'.

So, I slowed to perhaps 20 km/h, in otherwise quiet traffic and gently passed the side road, which as it came into view, proved indeed to be a short paved laneway, of maybe 50 metres long, into a selection of nine-bar field gates.

However, rather than see our friend from the Toyota wrestling with a rebellious bovine, a terrible vista of his struggle with an animal of a different kind hoved into view.

Rather than make use of all 50 metres of the lane and the ditches which lined it, he had halted just 10 or 15 metres in and in the middle of the track.

With horror, I could not avoid the terrible vista of said offender, denims around the ankles, crouched roughly with his hands on his knees and what appeared to be a 10 ft wide, snow white rear-end, aimed directly back at the main road, ejecting a perfectly formed stream of black liquid midden onto the asphalt, as if from the mouth of a sculpted cherub on the Trevi fountain.

What else could I do, but blow the horn in the manner of a New Delhi tuk-tuk taxi and yell 'filthy kernt' out my open passenger side window as a drifted by.

Some people.

Brendan Bendar

I’d say a flock of magpies descended on the site shortly after.

Larbre34

Magpies? I was half expecting the fallen angels of Hell to gather.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119602915#Comment_119602915

Yeh magpies Larry, fcukers like a nice soft road kill.

Your excellent description of the ‘fallout’ would seem to put the load dropped into that category.

Larbre34

Ah yes, I see your point.

Indeed they do and I daresay it could have fed three dozen of the ferkers.

Nevin Parsnipp

Lorra sour kernts about these days for sure ...I blame all this "woke" sh1te.

So I was takin a ramble around Dub city centre mid morning when I spotted a nice "old man's" pub and decided to drop in for a leisurely pint.

Lovely old style pub...nobody there when I went in...ambled up to the bar and puffed out a sensational crakklin faaaarrrrt that caused a flock of pigeons on the windowsill to take flight.

Nobody here I thought and blew out another sour oniony lad ...when to my surprise a bald head appeared from under the bar counter.

"A pint of your best porter bartender" says I ..conscious of the sour meaty smell that hung in the air...

"Won't be servin you" says baldy aggressively and in response to my polite request as to why not he replied "Cause your a smelly kernt with little manners...the Guinness Dray Horses wouldn't fart like that ".

"Ah well have it your way" I said ..."Plenty more decent pubs about"...."So much for Irish Hospitality" !

Faaaarrk me ..when a lad can't open the cheeks in a proper pub it's a sad day so it is ...won't be back there again !

StevenToast

So the wife bought some cheap shìtty ALDI sliced ham last week.....she was saying dunnes is now a rip off...."€4 for only a few slices where in aldi you get 20 slices for alot less" ....

So roll on today and I see only 1 slice eaten and a fùck ton of slices left...best before date well gone......i proceeded to give the wife a lecture about wasting food and stick to buying quality over quantity......then i decided in order to help the environment it would be best practice to have a load of ham sandwiches for lunch to use up the ham before it got completely rank...........a fatal error....

Ive been pissing literal brown water out the arse for the last few hours....

Im not sure i will trust a fart for the rest of the week.....

Fùck Eamon Ryan......

Cookie_Monster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119609448#Comment_119609448

I reckon thats a fair call Nevin, caught right out there.

At least have the decency to order the pint before discharge, after a performance like that I bet he was expecting the top deck present if served and wanted to avoid it at all costs.

gerrybbadd

Woke early this morning to an extreme feeling of bloat. 2 "Chilli Dogs" with Peri Peri fries for the dinner last night, i'm feeling, may be somewhat to blame. The release of pressure was required immediately, so I got the morning off to some joyful farting in the bed. Herself had gotten up early to do a bit of the old "housework", so I was filled with confidence. They were coming hot, heavy, dense and with frequency - somewhat like the Fibbonaci sequence in their presentation.

The joyful morning chuckles turned to general all round sorrow however, after one "last" push resulting in the feeling of a hot moisture betwixt the twin cheeks. Luckily enough, the Calvin's had earlier been removed from their resting place between the two, to allow more fully for production of farts. Straight up with a youthful leap, into the En Suite for carnage - absolute pints of hot arse liquid, strangely smelling like **** from a fish addicted cat, split the waters of the Shanks bowl straight in two - this was high pressure for sure. I must have been 20 minutes before I felt full evacuation was complete.

Since then, i've produced two more "bowlfuls" of arse piss, and my guts are rumbling away, making watery sounds. Anyhow, maybe this third coffee will finalise proceedings for the day

cj maxx

went for a sit down today which was pretty disturbing. Looked in the bowl before flushing and the water was all black. So on to Google and was getting worried till I saw 2 empty Guinness cans . Mystery solved.

Brendan Bendar

Only two!!

gerrybbadd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119619839#Comment_119619839

Sorry to hear about Granny, Prince William

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119619818#Comment_119619818

You strike me as a Jim Royal sort. Drinking Guinness straight from the can and farting openly in front of the family while watching reruns of Bullseye.

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119619839#Comment_119619839

If you do, its probably because you're a chap of a certain age and you have a prostate the size of a grapefruit and your dung is squeezing past it and causing your Chelsea Pensioner to salute the Queen, so to speak.

You may never have darkened the door of local Doctor during your adult life, but you may wish to get that digitally examined.

Unfortunately for you boss, digitally does not mean him using his calculator.

Grouptherapy

Treated myself to a cooked breakfast yesterday - plenty of beans and mushrooms. Farts later in the day were horrendous. Bang of out-of-date vegetables with a peanut top note.

Fast forward to this morning and a cup of strong Lavazza coffee got things moving. Off I go to log out... Firewood quality log but the fcuker took forever to discharge. It had the same velocity as a snake shedding. Got there in the end but not very satisfactory.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119621386#Comment_119621386

Funny you should say that Doc, I was relaxing after a full supper watching reruns of 3-2-1 recently,and in a full familial audience broke out a dense fetid ‘barrack buster’ that you could sew a button on.

Even the lurcher who has been known to bust out some strong arse gas after a feed of Chum Super, had to get up and leave the room.

I put it down to the double cheeseburger and ‘afters’ of four cans of Red Right Hand 11% beer.

Backed out a half a bucket of sour runny drittle in the khasi afterwards and that cleared out the pipes.

Head like a stone pot the next day.

Was in Kilbarrack Shopping Centre earlier and felt the old Laxwell House starting to do the trick. Headed into the jacks and saw that only one cubicle was operating.

Joined the short queue and couldn’t help but be annoyed by the nose breathing the fat cünt behind me was doing - almost like a snort really.

I was “next in line to the throne”, so left the “brown staff of Balmoral” floating in the pan for the prick. “The flush isn’t working pal” was my warning to him as I passed by.

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119622565#Comment_119622565

Thats the last thing you need of a morning.

An experience like that would leave me in a foul mood all day, uncharitable to man or beast.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119622565#Comment_119622565

Good a fücking enough for you for destroying a fried breakfast by including beans in it. Sick bastard.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119622709#Comment_119622709

Didn’t bother the fcuker, I’d say.

Probably coated your pile with a spread of semi-solid spongy arse porridge.

Cabbaggy bang off the load too, I’d opine.

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119622757#Comment_119622757

Ah here. Beans are hardly an exotic addition to a fried breakfast.

cj maxx

Felt the urge so in I went. Solid enough start but when that blockage was removed a steady stream of dark liquid. I’m terrified to fart

Slideways

Bad omens to start my day.

Out of a pelting hot shower and just started to towel off when there was a distinctive motion of a turd moving into position. Big messy shyte followed and the bog roll got wet while trying to clean up. No time to be getting into the shower to reset the morning either.

StevenToast

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119658555#Comment_119658555

Clean body....dirty hole....

Nightmare