What's the etiquette here??

Jimson

Are we allowed to post pics? Have one here that I'm very proud of.

JohnnyFlash

Jimson wrote: »

Are we allowed to post pics? Have one here that I'm very proud of.

You're not, Jim. Huge kudos to the moderators and top brass of this site for leaving this vitally important and useful thread open, but some lad posting a picture of what looks like a dead otter up on the weighing scales would probably be the end of it.



Show it to your partner, children, or other loved one, or maybe share the photo on a whatsapp group.

Hotblack Desiato

If it's a good one fire it into the Irish Times picture editor

tjdaly

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You're not, Jim. Huge kudos to the moderators and top brass of this site for leaving this vitally important and useful thread open, but some lad posting a picture of what looks like a dead otter up on the weighing scales would probably be the end of it.

I believe one contributor did post a 'pic' of his freshly decamped midden (very yellow and nutty if I remember, with quite a bit of steam rising from the top) but it was then agreed by all, despite great enthusiasm for the shot itself, that no further documentation be evidenced by senate members.

Probably it still sits there, on god knows what page, pressed in like a little flaxseed, marvellously reflecting the light on the body of a giant, slippery wet turd.

Necro

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Was wondering how long it would be before some bound up spotty faced geek would be in here pronouncing that the most natural of human activities, an essential daily human bodily function, was somehow vile. Ignorant comment. Very ignorant.

Mod:

Don't post in this thread again.

An Ri rua

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Surely people don’t use wet wipes for routine shïtes? I’d only ever call upon them if I’d had something ‘dodgy’ for the dinner the night before (14 cans of Guinness) and was on my 4th or 5th movement the next day. The ones where even bringing toilet paper into gentle contact with the hoop causes daggers of pain to run up through your buttocks, your spine, and down your legs.

Then I might call upon them. Gentle dabbing with an Aloe Vera wipe can bring temporary relief while you get the area back to something approaching ‘normal operating standards’. Only temporary though.

Trust me - the best in the business for ring sting, hoop hotness, and cheek chaffing is a OTC ointment called Eurax. It’s now available in a large 100g tube for those lads (and lassies) who are considering consuming over 24 cans of beer per week during lockdown. Have a box of gloves ready as it tends to smear otherwise. Need to be precise. Don’t flush the fûcking gloves down the shïtter either you ignorant cünts. Eamon Ryan would have an aneurysm if he found out.

Get it up there Johnny.

An Ri rua

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was talking to an old friend of mine from down in Galway this morning. Got me thinking about an act of fecoterrorism his brother carried out many years back.

The brother was a plumber, and against his better judgement he decided to do work for a Guard. Guards were (maybe still are) notorious for not paying, not paying the full amount, or finding faults in work so they wouldn't have to pay out. Lots of tradesmen simply wouldn't/won't work for them. Anyway the Guard was building a house for his son, and sure enough, when it came to pay, he only stumped up half the amount.

So the plumber headed up to the new house one night just before the occupants were due to move in. Found a key under a brick beside the back door, let himself in, headed up to the attic, and uploaded a couple of pints of absolutely horrific arse gravy into the small water tank (he mentioned having a feed of pints the night before, and a couple of tins of sardines for the lunch). Big unit this lad.

The small water tank supplies the central heating system and hot water taps around the house. Absolute carnage by all accounts when the occupants moved in and turned on the heating for the first time. Then none of the plumbers in the area would agree to work on draining the system. Had to replace most of the taps, and the woman of the house was meant to have had a nasty encounter with the shower.

Always a cursed house after that, and the marriage was over within two years.

Truly a shower of sh1tes Johnny. Awful fatalistic stuff.

Lewis_Benson

Home made Garlic pizza bread and pizza for dinner last night.
Followed by a hape of cans of Guinness.
Had Cumberland sausages and beans for the breakfast with brown bread and mugs of strong coffee.

On the throne at the moment.... Not much moving, I may need to introduce something into the system to move the blockage.

AdrianBalboa

Go for a jog. My husband and I shared a large pizza last night and I went for a run this morning without having breakfast.

I felt some stirring when I was hitting the pavement but nothing prepared me for the plume of ****e that fired out of my hole when I got home afterwards. I probably spent less time jogging than I did wiping my gicker!

EmmetSpiceland

Had a fairly standard “movement” there this morning. Consistency was on the soft side but that was a positive, really.

An “issue” arose when buying the cheap toilet paper bit me, literally, on the ass. On the second “run through” the paper split and my middle finger dragged along the hole, gouging through the remnant sludge.

God, I wish I’d trimmed my nails. Not only did the “mess” get right up under there but the nail, itself, snagged a spoke and really stung.

Thankfully, we keep a nail brush in every bathroom so it wasn’t going to “follow” me around all day. Still, very unpleasant. Don’t scrimp on the bog roll, folks. It’s a dangerous, potentially messy, game.

Brendan Bendar

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

Go for a jog. My husband and I shared a large pizza last night and I went for a run this morning without having breakfast.

I felt some stirring when I was hitting the pavement but nothing prepared me for the plume of ****e that fired out of my hole when I got home afterwards. I probably spent less time jogging than I did wiping my gicker!

Much better to ‘rescue’ a good Windolene container, clean her up, fill with warm sudsy water, ‘hover’ over the pot and blast the area with concentrated bursts.

Shifts all the tags and streaks from around ‘ground zero’ and just leave the big arse spiders to be ‘hand picked’

Helps if the area is trimmed and pruned.

Slideways

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Much better to ‘rescue’ a good Windolene container, clean her up, fill with warm sudsy water, ‘hover’ over the pot and blast the area with concentrated bursts.

Shifts all the tags and streaks from around ‘ground zero’ and just leave the big arse spiders to be ‘hand picked’

Helps if the area is trimmed and pruned.

Lost in the hair like a terriers eye I believe

Lewis_Benson

Things have certainly started moving now....
Herself did a fantastic roast chicken dinner with apple crumble and cream to follow.


That has gotten the pipes moving.... I would say I'd ring the shyte farm, but it's literally at the end of my garden.

IAMAMORON

Down to the offey and grab a 4 pack of McArdles and a bottle of TK.

Should do the trick.

Valresnick

Pardon the pun, but Plumbers are an awful shower. I worked with a few over the years and many take personal pride in snarling off a loaf in someone’s brand new toilet. They’ll be quick to blame the apprentice or the sealant if confronted.

AdrianBalboa

Printed a very dry and knobbly output this morning. Firm but delicate to the touch, like a newly discovered Roman column.

AdrianBalboa

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

Printed a very dry and knobbly output this morning. Firm but delicate to the touch, like a newly discovered Roman column.

Or a scroll of ancient Egyptian parchment.

Nevin Parsnipp

Pumped out a nice plump puddin this morn in the upstairs bang box.

Filled the pan nicely and she "cleared" at first flush.....very tidy on the wipe up....with minimal deployment of the cushelle.

Was a great start to the day and left "The Nev" in fine fettle for facing the lockdown.

Would that everything worked as smoothly.......

Former Coach

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Surely people don’t use wet wipes for routine shïtes? I’d only ever call upon them if I’d had something ‘dodgy’ for the dinner the night before (14 cans of Guinness) and was on my 4th or 5th movement the next day. The ones where even bringing toilet paper into gentle contact with the hoop causes daggers of pain to run up through your buttocks, your spine, and down your legs.

Then I might call upon them. Gentle dabbing with an Aloe Vera wipe can bring temporary relief while you get the area back to something approaching ‘normal operating standards’. Only temporary though.

Trust me - the best in the business for ring sting, hoop hotness, and cheek chaffing is a OTC ointment called Eurax. It’s now available in a large 100g tube for those lads (and lassies) who are considering consuming over 24 cans of beer per week during lockdown. Have a box of gloves ready as it tends to smear otherwise. Need to be precise. Don’t flush the fûcking gloves down the shïtter either you ignorant cünts. Eamon Ryan would have an aneurysm if he found out.

Isn’t that Eurex for scabies????🤔

JohnnyFlash

Former Coach wrote: »

Isn’t that Eurex for scabies????🀔

It’s not, no, George

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Pumped out a nice plump puddin this morn in the upstairs bang box.

Filled the pan nicely and she "cleared" at first flush.....very tidy on the wipe up....with minimal deployment of the cushelle.

Was a great start to the day and left "The Nev" in fine fettle for facing the lockdown.

Would that everything worked as smoothly.......

Indeed Nevin, bit unstable in that area of late.

Piped out a reluctant loaf before heading to Lidl for a cargo of Zwyzcic, and for some reason didn’t feel fully purged, but proceeded on.

Just at the chicken wing area got a stab of pressure ‘down the back’ and without thinking, opened the throttle.

Bit of a ‘pop’ and a release, but what followed was like a 180ml can of mushy peas.
Could feel movement decided to abandon mission, dumped the groceries, and grabbed a flyer for Lidl products for lining the car seat.

Good thing I did, severe damage to the chinos, jocks badly soiled, but the car seat escaped due to the flyer.

Got the cluster and blast zone clen up, new gear on, regret the chinos and jocks would be in NFL parlance,described as ‘doubtful’ in an injury report.

Bad experience.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Indeed Nevin, bit unstable in that area of late.

Piped out a reluctant loaf before heading to Lidl for a cargo of Zwyzcic, and for some reason didn’t feel fully purged, but proceeded on.

Just at the chicken wing area got a stab of pressure ‘down the back’ and without thinking, opened the throttle.

Bit of a ‘pop’ and a release, but what followed was like a 180ml can of mushy peas.
Could feel movement decided to abandon mission, dumped the groceries, and grabbed a flyer for Lidl products for lining the car seat.

Good thing I did, severe damage to the chinos, jocks badly soiled, but the car seat escaped due to the flyer.

Got the cluster and blast zone clen up, new gear on, regret the chinos and jocks would be in NFL parlance,described as ‘doubtful’ in an injury report.

Bad experience.

Don't those 1994 ford escorts have dry wipe seats Bren ?
Wouldn't think you'd need the flyer at all ...


Bang of rotten cabbage and stale kippers from your car if I remember correctly anyway ...

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

Don't those 1994 ford escorts have dry wipe seats Bren ?
Wouldn't think you'd need the flyer at all ...


Bang of rotten cabbage and stale kippers from your car if I remember correctly anyway ...

Hmm... don’t like the leather seats Hector.

Travelled many times (on important company business) on the national airline Premier class to the USA.

Slippery fcukers Hector, not comfortable at all .

A bit of build up of ‘arse juice’ which usually occurs after the rich food is a serious problem, don’t wear linen clothes even if transferring to the Caribbean as the ‘guttering’ pipes the bag soup into a concentrated area.

Was transferring on JetBlue to Montego Bay with a wedge of bitter foul smelling linen sagging below my ballbag.


Not a good look.... I can assure you.

Paid the Fcuking taxi man in US dollah instead Jam dollah by mistake didn’t help my demeanour either.

Slideways

I remember with terrible flashbacks sitting on the vinyl seats in the old lads Opel Reckord in a pair of shorts when I was a young fella. The hard piping around the edge of the seat seared a scar across the back of the legs that you could have used to crack Brazil nuts off of. :eek:

AdrianBalboa

Slideways wrote: »

I remember with terrible flashbacks sitting on the vinyl seats in the old lads Opel Reckord in a pair of shorts when I was a young fella. The hard piping around the edge of the seat seared a scar across the back of the legs that you could have used to crack Brazil nuts off of. :eek:

A real Rekord scratch moment!

JohnnyFlash

A weekend of very heavy drinking and a less than healthy diet has caused havoc to my digestive system today, and the effluvia from my ass have been absolutely horrific. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted as a result.

An Ri rua

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Home made Garlic pizza bread and pizza for dinner last night.
Followed by a hape of cans of Guinness.
Had Cumberland sausages and beans for the breakfast with brown bread and mugs of strong coffee.

On the throne at the moment.... Not much moving, I may need to introduce something into the system to move the blockage.

A glass of Brandy. If that doesn't work, try Dipetane or maybe Jeyes Fluid.

An Ri rua

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Indeed Nevin, bit unstable in that area of late.

Piped out a reluctant loaf before heading to Lidl for a cargo of Zwyzcic, and for some reason didn’t feel fully purged, but proceeded on.

Just at the chicken wing area got a stab of pressure ‘down the back’ and without thinking, opened the throttle.

Bit of a ‘pop’ and a release, but what followed was like a 180ml can of mushy peas.
Could feel movement decided to abandon mission, dumped the groceries, and grabbed a flyer for Lidl products for lining the car seat.

Good thing I did, severe damage to the chinos, jocks badly soiled, but the car seat escaped due to the flyer.

Got the cluster and blast zone clen up, new gear on, regret the chinos and jocks would be in NFL parlance,described as ‘doubtful’ in an injury report.

Bad experience.

That's Lidl for ya Bren. Ya always come out with some unplanned bits.
Hosedown on aisle 3 Piotr...

Aglomerado

Andrews is mighty stuff for cleaning the pipes. A couple of pints of water with a high dose will blow it all out.
Plus the belches you will do after drinking it will serve as an "early warning system" to all in your vicinity so they can evacuate ( pardon the pun) in time.

JohnnyFlash

Aglomerado wrote: »

Andrews is mighty stuff for cleaning the pipes. A couple of pints of water with a high dose will blow it all out.
Plus the belches you will do after drinking it will serve as an "early warning system" to all in your vicinity so they can evacuate ( pardon the pun) in time.

Knew a lad from Galway years ago who would have a pint of Andrews Liver Salts mixed with two Alka Seltzer and 8 Rennie when he got up. This lad was putting away 60 pints a week if he was putting away one. Swore it was the only cure.