What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Spot on Bren,

Anyone returning from the lane having coiled one out should really announce

" Ahh, that was A1 , I feel phucking brand new now "

Or

Jaaaaaysus........... I’m all clen out atter dat, she flew out like a flock of starlins “

I’d be ok with that....

IAMAMORON

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Or

Jaaaaaysus........... I’m all clen out atter dat, she flew out like a flock of starlins “

I’d be ok with that....

Did you ever block a sewer Bren?

Be honest now, I would prefer full transparency here please.

Brendan Bendar

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Did you ever block a sewer Bren?

Be honest now, I would prefer full transparency here please.

No, but the kernt next door did with those fcuking wet wipes.

Part of a 8 house ‘block’.... bint blocked the whole system for these and drove several waves of rodents ‘above ground’.

Got a set of rods in Woodies and went through two gardens before the dam was breached.

About four rat traps found with occupants which contributed to the blockage.

Fcuking cat put on five pounds trying to clear out the invasion.

Don’t talk to me about blocked pipes.

IAMAMORON

Thanks for sharing Brendan.

I never realised that wet wipes could be such a hindrance. Cards on the table here and if you allow me to put my hands up and confess that I have been using them as a hangover cure for years. If I am going heavy on cans and jars of whiskey it is not unlike me to throw a packet in the bottom of the fridge before I start imbibing. What can happen is that if I ring a Pizza after a few gallon I invariably end up nailing a hot n spicy, it can cause havoc when I get it together in the morning. It can be nice to feel a sub zero cold and wet wipe soothing my tender ringpiece and the soft cheeks of my arse in the morning, particularly after it has skuttered around 3 to 4 pints of rancid chilli soup out me hole. End.

Nevin Parsnipp

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Did you ever block a sewer Bren?

Be honest now, I would prefer full transparency here please.

Did he ever block a sewer ?? For fooks sake .......the lad Bendar has put major pumping stations out of action.

The lad can..on a "good" day pump out enough sour midden to close a Blue Flag beach !

They are still put on full alert down Ringsend way if word gets out that "The Brenner" is experiencing a "push on the badge".

Filthy kernt.....

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Did he ever block a sewer ?? For fooks sake .......the lad Bendar has put major pumping stations out of action.

The lad can..on a "good" day pump out enough sour midden to close a Blue Flag beach !

They are still put on full alert down Ringsend way if word gets out that "The Brenner" is experiencing a "push on the badge".

Filthy kernt.....

Less of the abuse Parsnipp, and stick to the facts.

I always ring the boys in the ‘ShïtFarm’ if there’s an ‘incoming heavy’.

“Get the big knives out” is the standard operating procedure.

You can’t block a sewer that is already blocked.

Make no mistake ....wet wipes de rigeur are bad bad dudes, a cold one dabbed on the ring after sluicing out a fat ‘King Edward’ not a problem but the bint next door must have been buffing her ‘zone’ with a Fcuking box a week.

Kernt.

JohnnyFlash

Sounds like 'The Nev' and 'The Brenner' live in sink estates. The sort of places where the neighbours are a Jackeen named Philo (works in the council) to the left, and a DHL van driver named Baz to the right. Man United flags in the upstairs window, and Sky dishes everywhere. Lots of short little stumpy lads in their 50's with a shaved head and a tracksuit walking bulldogs.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like 'The Nev' and 'The Brenner' live in sink estates. The sort of places where the neighbours are a Jackeen named Philo (works in the council) to the left, and a DHL van driver named Baz to the right. Man United flags in the upstairs window, and Sky dishes everywhere. Lots of short little stumpy lads in their 50's with a shaved head and a tracksuit walking bulldogs.

No fcukers with big ‘Dublin Fire Brigade Heads’ on them around here John.

Fully professional..... do believe though the ‘The Nev’ has a fcuker with a pidgeon loft two doors down, and a shiny ‘DoorStaff’ head on the lad.

Cant back it up , but apparently 35 boooords went down on ‘short finals’ over Nevs gaff recently at various spots on the approach.

Found with severe injuries from a pellet gun and had to be taken out of circulation.

Dangerous kernt.

An Ri rua

Don't know if ye will recall, lads and the odd lass (odd in number, not in fascination with defecation), but years ago d'aul Gay Byrne had a panel on discussing another big issue and lo and behold they started easing a Johnny (v flash) onto either a widget or a finger. I can't recall and I will in me hoop Google such filth.

But with the pandemic deep midwinter snows, dark nights, shortages in the TP of your choice or God forbid TP, a panel to discuss the true Art of Manliness, the meditation that is defecation, would be a great job altogether. A sort of Johnny Flash meets Michael Harding meets Brendan Bendar meets the Nev and then, live on air, Ryan rings the original offender (translator if required) and ask him did he realise how much of a hoop merchant he was with his foreign ablutions and tricky ways in the water closet?
Could even be like one of those specials, where the whole stage and whole audience is this thread and Ryan voxpops all and sundry as they describe their latest sh1te or even do a Theo Dorgan under a darkened spotlight and deliver their best post. Waist up shot of course, while sat squeezing one out for authentic reality TV. Could even be a few rivalry competitions thrown in.
I tell ya, ya wouldn't need smell TV for that. There's a universal micro-tell for disgust and the audience at home would know from Tubb's demeanour that they were witnessing a bell-ringer.
Pandemic eating habits, a slot for rich food eaters, pint sluggers, dainty lady nibblers, all palates and sewage outputs catered for.
A cool box and wipes for everyone in the audience.

Why can't television be great like it used to be?

Hotblack Desiato

The Late Late Show has gone to shyte, but not unfortunately in the way you describe.

Hector Savage

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Indeed my friends...strange times...so they are.

Took a ramble down to my local...hoping the narky, chippy barman was not on dooty as gut was growling a tad.

He was ! Grunted when I politely ordered "A pint of your best porter landlord"....didnt seem to get the humour.

Fook him I thought as the gut rumble grew more insistant....just south of the gallon I had enough of his sour puss...excused myself from the company and headed for the traps.

Big boy brewin for sure ...I entered trap 3 and decided to "freestyle"....jox down...cheeks open and blew out a bladdery, fleshy gush of sour midden.....with a bang that would stretch a half grown African
Pi Dog.

Some of it hit the bowel but I was happy to note that the back wall and the cistern had a definate greenish / yellow glaze indicating a sucessful "freestyle"

Tidied up...and completed the gallon at the bar...before opining to Mr. Kranky that little Majda mite need extra cleaning material in the morning.....

What bar is open ??

Hector Savage

Wipes are the worst!!!

JEsus don't use them, and if you have to chuck the wipes in a bin, not the jacks

Trouser Snake

Again it's down to quality Hector.
Those unscented non alcoholic ones are brilliant, usually I double them up and create a hammock for the ballsack mid-chite.
This has two effects, one it cools down the balls, they do get fierce hot and the fact they're as hairy as a wire brush they never get much exposure to cool air. Two minutes hanging in the mini-hammock does them a power of good.

The second and more importantly it eliminates puckering of the cigar cutter back the next postcode, as the relaxing sensation in the ball sack transfers back the way, (how I don't know, but thats not my job to know).
It's makes the sphincter relax and open up, like the doors in the bottom of the UFO in ET, and the release of whatever consistency shii1te waiting at the door is pure effortless.
I've tried this with alcohol based wipes too, but it's like the aftershave effect, my balls just pucker up at the touch of them and accordingly shuts the trapdoors fast shut behind..

That's my experience, I'm sure others have conflicting feedback.

JohnnyFlash

Surely people don’t use wet wipes for routine shïtes? I’d only ever call upon them if I’d had something ‘dodgy’ for the dinner the night before (14 cans of Guinness) and was on my 4th or 5th movement the next day. The ones where even bringing toilet paper into gentle contact with the hoop causes daggers of pain to run up through your buttocks, your spine, and down your legs.

Then I might call upon them. Gentle dabbing with an Aloe Vera wipe can bring temporary relief while you get the area back to something approaching ‘normal operating standards’. Only temporary though.

Trust me - the best in the business for ring sting, hoop hotness, and cheek chaffing is a OTC ointment called Eurax. It’s now available in a large 100g tube for those lads (and lassies) who are considering consuming over 24 cans of beer per week during lockdown. Have a box of gloves ready as it tends to smear otherwise. Need to be precise. Don’t flush the fûcking gloves down the shïtter either you ignorant cünts. Eamon Ryan would have an aneurysm if he found out.

Demonique

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What’s a “twink”? A ladyboy prostitute? I wouldn’t know anything about ploughing them, only what I’ve heard. Not my “scene”, jelly bean.

I do not, thank you very much, have any “connection”, party aside, to Deputy Stagg. So **** you.

A twink is gay slang for a young slender generally clean shaven gay man

Jimson

Had a glorious no wipe needed ****e der. Was glorious and rare. Not sure if trimming the hair around my bum hole had anything to do with it last weekend.

Long may they continue

EmmetSpiceland

Demonique wrote: »

A twink is gay slang for a young slender generally clean shaven gay man

Well, at least they’re clean shaven. Cheers for clearing that up, D.

sligojoek

Dropped in under the stairs this morning for the usual dump. It was wide and took a while and a bit of straining. Gave the "widget" a wipe and it was spotless. Looked into the potty and got an awful shock. Looking up at me was what i can only describe as a "horseshoe sh2te" Two pointy "tips" above the meniscus and the "U bend" resting on the bottom. About 9 inches in what you might call circumference.

I thought about leaving it there for someone else to admire but there was just my daughter in the house and she's under enough pressure sorting out skype and college stuff, I figured she'd enough on her plate.

One flush and away she went.

perrito caliente

sligojoek wrote: »

One flush and away she went.

If you're lucky it might come back like a boomerang.

Slideways

sligojoek wrote: »

I thought about leaving it there for someone else to admire but there was just my daughter in the house and she's under enough pressure sorting out skype and college stuff, I figured she'd enough on her plate.

One flush and away she went.

You should take a Polaroid and send it to the Sligo Weekender. The fat lad with the goatee has an intense interest in supersized turds and has a monthly column featuring the best of them.

Although he is not allowed to print photos the boy has a way with descriptions that would bring a tear to a japs eye

Arthur Fent

An Ri rua wrote: »

Don't know if ye will recall, lads and the odd lass (odd in number, not in fascination with defecation), but years ago d'aul Gay Byrne had a panel on discussing another big issue and lo and behold they started easing a Johnny (v flash) onto either a widget or a finger. I can't recall and I will in me hoop Google such filth.

But with the pandemic deep midwinter snows, dark nights, shortages in the TP of your choice or God forbid TP, a panel to discuss the true Art of Manliness, the meditation that is defecation, would be a great job altogether. A sort of Johnny Flash meets Michael Harding meets Brendan Bendar meets the Nev and then, live on air, Ryan rings the original offender (translator if required) and ask him did he realise how much of a hoop merchant he was with his foreign ablutions and tricky ways in the water closet?
Could even be like one of those specials, where the whole stage and whole audience is this thread and Ryan voxpops all and sundry as they describe their latest sh1te or even do a Theo Dorgan under a darkened spotlight and deliver their best post. Waist up shot of course, while sat squeezing one out for authentic reality TV. Could even be a few rivalry competitions thrown in.
I tell ya, ya wouldn't need smell TV for that. There's a universal micro-tell for disgust and the audience at home would know from Tubb's demeanour that they were witnessing a bell-ringer.
Pandemic eating habits, a slot for rich food eaters, pint sluggers, dainty lady nibblers, all palates and sewage outputs catered for.
A cool box and wipes for everyone in the audience.

Why can't television be great like it used to be?

I'm not sure we should letting the likes of Parsnipp represent us on national television. His greasy comb over, blotchy round face.. gullwing shirts...suspicious stains congealed in the gulleys of his brown corduroy trousers...it would give the wrong impression altogether...a troubling thought indeed.

Trouser Snake

"The fat lad with the goatee", " intense interest in supersize turds", he's most definitely posting here so..

JohnnyFlash

Trouser Snake wrote: »

"The fat lad with the goatee", " intense interest in supersize turds", he's most definitely posting here so..

Fat lads with a goatee make up most of the clientele of this website this poster would opine.

sligojoek

Slideways wrote: »

You should take a Polaroid and send it to the Sligo Weekender. The fat lad with the goatee has an intense interest in supersized turds and has a monthly column featuring the best of them.

Although he is not allowed to print photos the boy has a way with descriptions that would bring a tear to a japs eye

I saw him in Aldi yesterday. It's bigger he's getting.

EmmetSpiceland

Full of it today. Think I “overdid” it on the broccoli and spuds last night.

Dropped the first “load” before leaving the house at 8:15am. Figured that was it for the day, felt great to have it out. Was big but nothing to cause “notice”, smell wasn’t great but, again, nothing to write home about.

Fast forward over 2 hours and I am goose stepping to the jacks. Barely have the strides down and cheeks on the seat when this next “deposit” was out. Loose consistency, heavy amount and the stink was, nothing short of, ufásach.

Hope the next person likes broccoli, even if it smells like it’s been “boiling” for a week and then poured onto a rotten sea front, when the tide is out. Even my own eyes were watering.

partyguinness

I have discovered a new feature on my iPhone. Well apparently it has always been there but just not stumbled upon it. You can use the camera for measurements.

Dropped a few real beauts recently and as I stared in wonderment I thought to myself that I might bring the phone next time to carry out some measurements.

Aglomerado

Demonique wrote: »

A twink is gay slang for a young slender generally clean shaven gay man

I thought a twink was a bitter auld wan with a shrill voice and a puckered anus for a mouth.

partyguinness

Aglomerado wrote: »

I thought a twink was a bitter auld wan with a shrill voice and a puckered anus for a mouth.

and who hung around with Ronan Collins on Friday night RTE in the late 80s.

JohnnyFlash

Was talking to an old friend of mine from down in Galway this morning. Got me thinking about an act of fecoterrorism his brother carried out many years back.

The brother was a plumber, and against his better judgement he decided to do work for a Guard. Guards were (maybe still are) notorious for not paying, not paying the full amount, or finding faults in work so they wouldn't have to pay out. Lots of tradesmen simply wouldn't/won't work for them. Anyway the Guard was building a house for his son, and sure enough, when it came to pay, he only stumped up half the amount.

So the plumber headed up to the new house one night just before the occupants were due to move in. Found a key under a brick beside the back door, let himself in, headed up to the attic, and uploaded a couple of pints of absolutely horrific arse gravy into the small water tank (he mentioned having a feed of pints the night before, and a couple of tins of sardines for the lunch). Big unit this lad.

The small water tank supplies the central heating system and hot water taps around the house. Absolute carnage by all accounts when the occupants moved in and turned on the heating for the first time. Then none of the plumbers in the area would agree to work on draining the system. Had to replace most of the taps, and the woman of the house was meant to have had a nasty encounter with the shower.

Always a cursed house after that, and the marriage was over within two years.

Trouser Snake

Know a few plumbers like that myself, the stuff they do get up to is atrocious. Plumbers and Guards?? Lethal combination. I'd believe all of it.
One lad I know filled the Swan neck with clear silicone, customer was slow in coming up with pay. Not as slow as the brown tide the first time she flushed.
And no, not a guard, a teacher.