What's the etiquette here??

Aglomerado

mfceiling wrote: »

Being a nordie myself Nev I've been delighted to follow this thread and to slip a few of these great descriptive words into my vocabulary.

Rural tyrone folk would also have a few of their own.

"The runs"....the skitter, the scour, tar, burnt gravy, black gold.

"Regular toilet use"...I have to bale. I'm away to tip the cart. I've cable to lay.

If you fart you can follow up with "speak now you're through Mrs Brown"...."that yoke is working fierce well since I got her fixed"..."bit more choke and she'll start".

Feel free to use away at them.

'Yobble' is another beautiful word I have learnt from this thread.

Hector Savage

There is many many new words - and expressions... just of the top of my head:

Midden
Streal of scutter
scour
arse slurry
Like a bolt of otters diving off a riverbank
left the pan like the goal mouth of Derby FC in the 60s
sounded like a box of old boots been thrown down a lift shaft
sounded like a box of old boots been thrown out of an attic ....
.
.
.
.

so many ...

Utter Consternation

Graupels of schitt.

Ush1

Drittle another lovely evocative phrase.

Hector Savage

Pebble Dash the pewter!!

Hector Savage

Thought this would suit here ....

https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeMeSuffer/comments/ez0izz/when_that_third_cup_of_coffee_hits/

Nevin Parsnipp

Ush1 wrote: »

Drittle another lovely evocative phrase.

Indeed ..as in

"Arter a savage feed of Bombay Mix I blasted the pan with Gouts of runny drittle"

Dosn't leave much to the imag. for sure !

NeinNeinNein

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Was up Nordie way a while back on important company business and after negotiations concluded the chit chat turned to sh1ttery /toilet etiquette and other important topics of the day.

My Nordie customer told he was minded of the day when he "spundered" a blast of loose sh1te in the company traps which hit the back of the pan like a can of picked whelks.

I thought the expression "Spundered" was very descriptive and I reciprocated with a couple of stories in which the words "Fent" and "Midden" featured strongly.

He was very taken with these descriptives and said he was delighted to have them added to his sh1ttery vocab...as apparently it's not easy to identify genuine scat fans north of the border.

A very profitable business day I may add.......

A great example of the benefits of the Peace Process.

Nevin Parsnipp

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

A great example of the benefits of the Peace Process.

Indeed ! and one I should have recognised

Thanks to :

Bertie
John
Bill
Seamus
Big Ian
Tony
Mo
Albert

And many more who, amongst their other great deeds, facilitated the civilised discussion of sh1ttery /lavatorial etiquette and many of the other norms and idiosyncrasies that attend the dropping of a good sh1te.

Probably not something they intended and perhaps are unaware of...but no less important for that.

I dedicate my next sh1te to these worthy people....some..alas who have passed round the S bend...thank you my friends...may you passage through the bowel of life be smooth and your demise as gentle as a slow closing toilet seat.

N. P.

Fccwontletmebe

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Indeed ! and one I should have recognised

Thanks to :

Bertie
John
Bill
Seamus
Big Ian
Tony
Mo
Albert

And many more who, amongst their other great deeds, facilitated the civilised discussion of sh1ttery /lavatorial etiquette and many of the other norms and idiosyncrasies that attend the dropping of a good sh1te.

Probably not something they intended and perhaps are unaware of...but no less important for that.

I dedicate my next sh1te to these worthy people....some..alas who have passed round the S bend...thank you my friends...may you passage through the bowel of life be smooth and your demise as gentle as a slow closing toilet seat.

N. P.

Try and do them justice Nevin,with a shiny ‘King Edward’ nicely reticulated with chick peas and Brazil nuts.

Don’t leave your usual pile of arse mince and butt gravy spread oer the pan with the bang of cheap Polish lager seeping up and the furniture looking like a map of the Philippines.

Great men deserve a solid baton.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Try and do them justice Nevin,with a shiny ‘King Edward’ nicely reticulated with chick peas and Brazil nuts.

Don’t leave your usual pile of arse mince and butt gravy spread oer the pan with the bang of cheap Polish lager seeping up and the furniture looking like a map of the Philippines.

Great men deserve a solid baton.

I’ll drink to that. In fact I’ve been drinking since about 3.30.

Had a bit of an incident in the cinema last night. Went to see 1917 with herself. Went for a large nacho and coke combo with extra jalapeños and that radioactive cheese sauce. Wasn’t an hour into the movie and serious gas was starting to build up. Would cock the arse away from her and try to slowly seep them out - was a successful strategy.

Anyways there’s a bit in the movie where the screen goes dark and there’s no sounds. What happens, but I let out a comically loud fart - one of those ones that cause your arse cheeks to flutter. Loud and proud.

Cue people muttering, turning around to look at me, one old dear audibly going ‘Jesus, you animal’. Herself looked over at me, gave me a sorrowful stare, and walked out of the cinema. Had to spend the night in the spare bedroom and getting the cold treatment since.

fuerte1976

Well, based on the information provided above, I'm afraid your situation is going to get worse before it gets better!

Hector Savage

I pity the poor cleaner that had to clean your seat Johnny, the cushion must be damp with the sharts ... filthy kernt ..

Cartman78

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’ll drink to that. In fact I’ve been drinking since about 3.30.

Had a bit of an incident in the cinema last night. Went to see 1917 with herself. Went for a large nacho and coke combo with extra jalapeños and that radioactive cheese sauce. Wasn’t an hour into the movie and serious gas was starting to build up. Would cock the arse away from her and try to slowly seep them out - was a successful strategy.

Anyways there’s a bit in the movie where the screen goes dark and there’s no sounds. What happens, but I let out a comically loud fart - one of those ones that cause your arse cheeks to flutter. Loud and proud.

Cue people muttering, turning around to look at me, one old dear audibly going ‘Jesus, you animal’. Herself looked over at me, gave me a sorrowful stare, and walked out of the cinema. Had to spend the night in the spare bedroom and getting the cold treatment since.

Jaysus, that sounds rough....was the film any good??

Dr Strange

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’ll drink to that. In fact I’ve been drinking since about 3.30.

Had a bit of an incident in the cinema last night. Went to see 1917 with herself. Went for a large nacho and coke combo with extra jalapeños and that radioactive cheese sauce. Wasn’t an hour into the movie and serious gas was starting to build up. Would cock the arse away from her and try to slowly seep them out - was a successful strategy.

Anyways there’s a bit in the movie where the screen goes dark and there’s no sounds. What happens, but I let out a comically loud fart - one of those ones that cause your arse cheeks to flutter. Loud and proud.

Cue people muttering, turning around to look at me, one old dear audibly going ‘Jesus, you animal’. Herself looked over at me, gave me a sorrowful stare, and walked out of the cinema. Had to spend the night in the spare bedroom and getting the cold treatment since.

I’d say everyone was quite shell-shocked.

Aglomerado

Dr Strange wrote: »

I’d say everyone was quite shell-shocked.

Smell-shocked too.

gerrybbadd

I'd say none of the cinema going patrons expected the 4D experience with John dispersing the Mustard Gas. I'd say they all felt like they were in the trenches

Dr Strange

I’ll take Colonel Mustard in the study with a can of baked beans.

Utter Consternation

I could hear my farts through the baby monitor last night. I was down in the sitting room and the poor baby was asleep upstairs. I was fairly letting rip and could hear them through the monitor. I don't know how the poor child wasn't woken.

The missus was not impressed.

jimgoose

There's an old West-Country rhyme, best recited in a classic Wurzel Gummidge accent:

When Oi larfs, Oi's fart.
When Oi farts, Oi's larf.
Oi loikes larfing, Oi do!

NeinNeinNein

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I could hear my farts through the baby monitor last night. I was down in the sitting room and the poor baby was asleep upstairs. I was fairly letting rip and could hear them through the monitor. I don't know how the poor child wasn't woken.

The missus was not impressed.

Ffs, has she no sense of fun?

Utter Consternation

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Ffs, has she no sense of fun?

I know!! I find my bombastic farts to be hilarious!

Voodoomelon

Just back from a week in Barbados, once again I was struck by the bad influence the yanks have on other nations toilets; they too have the ludicrously high water level in their jacks, with the huge elongated pan were the contents of your arse eagerly awaits your approval on standing up.

After the first night which consisted of literally litres of bloody marys, pina coladas and half a kilo of fried shrimp, I believe I sh**ted for a good 30 seconds solid the following morning without as much as blip of hesitation. It was unbelievable, I stood up and exclaimed "JESUS CHRIST" at the sheer volume of logs in the pan.

We've hit on this before, not sure if the Irish pan hides half the load from us, if the American style bog just displays more of it or if there is just stacks of food and drink consumed when an Irishman is in proximity to these jacks but either way they should be banned. No one wants to be met with such a sight.

From that point onwards i'd gently lift off the seat a few inches and hit the flush without as much as a peek and settle down for another few minutes.
And as for taking a slash into the high water level, you end up with splashes of p1ss all over the floor, walls, legs, shoes; absolute madness.
Disgraceful devices.

Fireball81

Caught on the throne with jocks round my ankles earlier this afternoon as I forgot to lock the door to the disabled toilets in the office.

Luckily was a lad - we both got a fright but thankfully he opened the door, saw me then closed it.

Could have been worse I guess, could have been a female, could have been in the middle of whacking one out or worse still deep in concentration laying a hard cable.

Must remember to turn that lock!

Brendan Bendar

Fireball81 wrote: »

Caught on the throne with jocks round my ankles earlier this afternoon as I forgot to lock the door to the disabled toilets in the office.

Luckily was a lad - we both got a fright but thankfully he opened the door, saw me then closed it.

Could have been worse I guess, could have been a female, could have been in the middle of whacking one out or worse still deep in concentration laying a hard cable.

Must remember to turn that lock!

I’m strongly considering contacting a senior Mod or even a higher dude to have you site banned for admitting that elementary mistake live on this thread.

Absolute first move on entering a trap- turn the frikken lock.

What if you were caught top-decking the place?

Completely un-professional.

Fireball81

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I’m strongly considering contacting a senior Mod or even a higher dude to have you site banned for admitting that elementary mistake live on this thread.

Absolute first move on entering a trap- turn the frikken lock.

What if you were caught top-decking the place?

Completely un-professional.

I have no idea how I managed not to lock the door when entering - first time (and will be the last time) ever.

JohnnyFlash

Fireball81 wrote: »

I have no idea how I managed not to lock the door when entering - first time (and will be the last time) ever.

Were you on the phone?

Fireball81

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Were you on the phone?

Not while walking in, just wasnt concentrating.

Was on phone when disturbed.

Nevin Parsnipp

Bulled out a huge chump of sour puddin...while watchin the elekkie results ...fcukin Shinners has a lot to answer for.

Fcukin bang off the log was rank...really toxic.. I am a bit concerned.....