Being called love in a senior position - Mod warning post 1; read if you posted here

BBFAN

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

Updated warning wrote:

Mod:

Update: Thank you to the posters who updated their posts; the amount of cards and deleted posts were greatly reduced from what I expected to have to deal with. I've unlocked the thread and multiple users have been carded (some which you may not see due to their posts being deleted as well). I remind everyone that your posts should help the OP and focus more on the situation rather than OP's personality/position per say even though they may have brought it up in context.

smelly sock

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

Get over it. Nothing to get worked up about.

duffman13

If you've only started in a senior position I'd focus more on your job and making an impact. You can make a stand against this twat but establish yourself first

Avatar MIA

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

I'd not respond when addresses as such. Wait until he addresses you by your first name. He'll eventually get tired of it. Don't give him any other reaction.

db

.

splinter65

Each and every time he calls you love you say “sure Dickie””good idea Dickie” “not today Dickie” heavy emphasis on the Dickie. As loud as you like.

rob316

I don't think hes trying to annoy ya it just comes out naturally. My boss would call most females "girl" after talking to them like "alrite girl no problem". That's just a cork thing

limnam

splinter65 wrote: »

Each and every time he calls you love you say “sure Dickie””good idea Dickie” “not today Dickie” heavy emphasis on the Dickie. As loud as you like.

You'd make a very odd senior...

punisher5112

Hey sugar would that be better or worse ...

dartboardio

punisher5112 wrote: »

Hey sugar would that be better or worse ...

Better.
It’s on an equal level. Love is something you generally say to someone younger and less experienced.

punisher5112

dartboardio wrote: »

Better.
It’s on an equal level. Love is something you generally say to someone younger and less experienced.

Not necessarily....

I get called son by peythe same age so can be just a saying.....

blindside88

BBFAN wrote: »

A lot senior than you will ever reach son.

You believe someone is talking down to you by calling you love yet see no issue in clearly speaking down to someone in a derogatory manner (who may well be at a much higher level than you in their career) and calling them “son”.

Fair enough

dartboardio

dartboardio wrote: »

Better.
It’s on an equal level. Love is something you generally say to someone younger and less experienced.

youre projecting this tbh

its not exactly appropriate language, but that doesnt mean that you can just decide it means whatever you want it to either

that said, if youve asked him to stop he should be checking himself. maybe a slightly patronising nickname for him in response isnt an awful idea.

BBFAN

blindside88 wrote: »

You believe someone is talking down to you by calling you love yet see no issue in clearly speaking down to someone in a derogatory manner (who may well be at a much higher level than you in their career) and calling them “son”.

Fair enough

I'm trying to be ironic, sorry if that went over your head.

But let m explain simply.

If someone who thinks that that it's okay to call someone who is equal to or above them on a professional level "love", then they shouldn't have any problem whatsoever with being called "son"". Am I right?

punisher5112

BBFAN wrote: »

I'm trying to be ironic, sorry if that went over your head.

But let m explain simply.

If someone who thinks that that it's okay to call someone who is equal to or above them on a professional level "love", then they shouldn't have any problem whatsoever with being called "son"". Am I right?

Makes you sound old

BBFAN

punisher5112 wrote: »

Makes you sound old

That's fine by me, rather be considered as old rather than unprofessional.

punisher5112

What makes one professional though as I see many that have qualifications and believe they are professional but far from it ...



If you don't like it pull him to one side and say it's not on.

Give him a chance and tell him you are willing to let it go for now but you aren't that type and won't put up with it.

BBFAN

punisher5112 wrote: »

What makes one professional though as I see many that have qualifications and believe they are professional but far from it ...



If you don't like it pull him to one side and say it's not on.

Give him a chance and tell him you are willing to let it go for now but you aren't that type and won't put up with it.

I've already done that as stated in the OP and he continues to say it and throw his eyes up to heaven.

Peter Denham

Why is it only relevant to being in a senior position? You shouldn't speak down to people either.

punisher5112

BBFAN wrote: »

I've already done that as stated in the OP and he continues to say it and throw his eyes up to heaven.

Possible he is doing it for kicks.

Why not play the game.

Be condescending towards him but maybe you already are and he is getting back at you.

If you continue the way you are it will only get worse.

splinter65

limnam wrote: »

You'd make a very odd senior...

Not really. I’ve had this before. If I’m love or pet or sweetheart and I’ve asked you nicely to call me by my name or not add any moniker at all, and you ignore my polite request, then I can in return call you Dickie or Mickie or whatever I fancy. Lots of men still think that women should be making the coffee quietly. There’s no need to go running to make a complaint to HR. Just deal with it yourself.

johnayo

Some of the replies here should be reserved for After Hours.
If some asshole is calling you Love during the course of your work, then you should definitely give him the opportunity of explaining himself to HR. You have already requested him to stop and he has ignored you.

Tell me how

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

I'd echo the poster from the other thread that said that in today's world, if this is the extent of what is bothering you, it is not a bad thing.

ardinn

Op you sound so far up your own arse in both threads I really hope it catches on in your work space!

I presume this is your 1st "VERY senior" position, I'd expect it to be your last either way, your sense of self importance is stinking!


Try making a positive work environment and pushing towards goals and targets rather than spending half your day making snarky faces at a colleague, there is already one person in your work place who thinks your a knob and you only just started (your VERY senior position)

AndrewJRenko

punisher5112 wrote: »

Possible he is doing it for kicks.

Why not play the game.

Be condescending towards him but maybe you already are and he is getting back at you.

If you continue the way you are it will only get worse.

I don't think this is great advice. There is a good chance that a third party is going to be involved in this issue at some stage - perhaps HR or perhaps your mutual manager.

Being condescending in return will not do you much good.

Better to address it face on - call him out on the eyes up to heaven stuff firmly and calmly. Keep an eye out to see if he treats others like this.

Nody

Mod:
Currently about half the posters on this thread are about to be carded / banned for thinking we're in AH; I'll give you all about 8h to sort out your posts and anything left at that time will be dealt with accordingly. Oh and any one posting after this post in anything close to what's above it will be banned.

B0jangles

You've told this person that you do not want to addressed in this manner - to me, that's acting in a perfectly reasonable, direct and straightforward manner.

He is still doing it, but now he's theatrically correcting himself and rolling his eyes?

How very childish and unprofessional! - he needs a short chat from H.R. about how people are expected to behave like adults in the working environment.

Edit: it's kind of funny how the tone of the thread has changed so abruptly since it was moved into Work Problems - almost as if there's are different standards of behaviour expected in different places and speaking in a way which is unremarkable in one place is grounds for disiplinary action in another!

Teyla Emmagan

Just keep correcting him. Calmly and consistently. And in front of other people. And if he rolls the eyes again throw in an old 'there's no need to be unprofessional'.

He's just a dinosaur, thankfully they are on their way out.

And congratulations on your new job.

Avatar MIA

Nody wrote: »

Mod:
Currently about half the posters on this thread are about to be carded / banned for thinking we're in AH; I'll give you all about 8h to sort out your posts and anything left at that time will be dealt with accordingly. Oh and any one posting after this post in anything close to what's above it will be banned.

It should also be noted the OP seems only interested in engaging with the more AHs responses and either intentionally or unintentionally derailing their own thread

AndrewJRenko

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Just keep correcting him. Calmly and consistently. And in front of other people. And if he rolls the eyes again throw in an old 'there's no need to be unprofessional'.

He's just a dinosaur, thankfully they are on their way out.

And congratulations on your new job.

I agree with most of your post, but I'd suggest changing your response to 'there's no need to throw your eyes up to heaven'. Be painfully accurate, clear and specific. Don't give him any ammunition to throw back at you.

Muscles Schultz

db wrote: »

If you're that senior you should be able to handle it yourself.

I’m not sure you’re cut out for this position is something so minuscule gets you so worked up and you are unable to make a decision what to do without the aid of an anonymous message board.

Franz Von Peppercorn

BBFAN wrote: »

A lot senior than you will ever reach son.

Then why can’t you handle this fairly trivial problem, and why do you think that the rest of us (who you think are not so senior) can help.

As a senior manager you are presumably reporting into the very top level manager and should have sway, yourself, with HR. Threaten to report your colleague and if he continues actually report him. You should both know the HR rules. He’s almost certainly breaking them.

The Pheasant2

There's no quicker way to lose your aura of seniority than by insisting to everyone how very senior you are.

1hnr79jr65

I would speak to him 1 to 1 again further saying you have been documenting these incidents, you find them unprofessional and demeaning. If he continues speaking to you is a less than professional manner then you will escalate to hr to have the matter dealt with under the 9 grounds of discrimination.

dixiefly

Whether the OP is senior or not is totall irrelevant.

The term "love" whould not be used like this no matter what level or grade of work the recipient is.

After pointing it out once, the recipient is entitled to make the point more forcibly either in private or in front of others if necessary.

Squatter

The Pheasant2 wrote: »

There's no quicker way to lose your aura of seniority than by insisting to everyone how very senior you are.

Agree with that.


It's a well-known phenomenon in the military that when a good officer gets promoted to a more senior rank, he (or she) doesn't insist on his former colleagues saluting him or calling him "sir" (or ma'am) for quite a while, but when an incompetent or insecure individual gets promoted, they immediately insist on being treated with all of the deference that their new status requires. (No prizes for guessing which sort of officers are more popular with their colleagues!)

Goodshape

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

I agree with most of your post, but I'd suggest changing your response to 'there's no need to throw your eyes up to heaven'. Be painfully accurate, clear and specific. Don't give him any ammunition to throw back at you.

That sounds like giving him the ammunition to me though. You're going to start arguing over the meaning of an eye role.

"It's <my name>, not Love", "I'm not Love", etc., just calmly and matter of factly – as you would correct any honest mistake.


But basically yes – I do think it's unprofessional and demeaning in a working environment, particularly in a senior role. He mightn't intend for it to be and there may be "more important issues" in the world, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Goodshape

Squatter wrote: »

It's a well-known phenomenon in the military that when a good officer gets promoted to a more senior rank, he (or she) doesn't insist on his former colleagues saluting him or calling him "sir" (or ma'am) for quite a while, but when an incompetent or insecure individual gets promoted, they immediately insist on being treated with all of the deference that their new status requires. (No prizes for guessing which sort of officers are more popular with their colleagues!)

That's got nothing at all to do with being called "love" in the office.

Squatter

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

I would speak to him 1 to 1 again further saying you have been documenting these incidents, you find them unprofessional and demeaning. If he continues speaking to you is a less than professional manner then you will escalate to hr to have the matter dealt with under the 9 grounds of discrimination.

Isn't it genuinely amazing that a self-declared senior manager couldn't have thought of that all by herself?


But perhaps she's still on probation and doesn't want to rock the boat.

Teyla Emmagan

AndrewJRenko wrote:

I agree with most of your post, but I'd suggest changing your response to 'there's no need to throw your eyes up to heaven'. Be painfully accurate, clear and specific. Don't give him any ammunition to throw back at you.

You're right actually.

mvl

Wanted to see if this really get here, and it did. Wow !

IMO this subject does not qualify as Work Problem, when issue is raised by someone who refers to themselves as having a senior/management role.
The skills required to get to such a position should help OP with their dilemma.

- I would have given advice on this matter to someone junior who is after starting work, and in need of mentoring. Not the case here

Squatter

Goodshape wrote: »

That's got nothing at all to do with being called "love" in the office.

In your humble opinion. Which, seeing as you are a moderator (a synonym for "senior manager") is much more valuable than mine, sir (or ma'am).


(I am typing this post while standing to attention and saluting.)

Goodshape

Squatter wrote: »

In your humble opinion.

Nah, it actually has nothing at all to do with it.

A promoted officer in the army not wanting to be saluted / addressed as a superior by their former colleagues.

Someone asking not to be called 'love' by a colleague of equal standing in a businesses environment.

One of these things is not like the other.

STB.

BBFAN wrote: »

If someone who thinks that that it's okay to call someone who is equal to or above them on a professional level "love", then they shouldn't have any problem whatsoever with being called "son"". Am I right?

I gather that you are in the job about a month ?

So someone younger who is already at the same level (and therefore senior in the organisation) is referring to you as love ? If you regard it as a slight, then you need to be firm whilst being nice in telling them to drop the love talk sunshine.

Its nice to be important, but more important to be nice, love.....

beauf

STB. wrote: »

.. then you need to be firm whilst being nice in telling them to drop the love talk sunshine. ........

They have done this. Its in the original post.

STB.

beauf wrote: »

They have done this. Its in the original post.

Obviously not firmly enough.


If managers only have to worry about the mannerisms of other managers then they have little to worry about.

Mousewar

I'd never dream of addressing a woman as "love" in a workplace. It's really as simple as that. It screams of condescension. You're right to find it unprofessional and you're right to ask him to stop and you'd be right to firmly remind him of that every time he does it again.
And well done for putting up with some of the garbage responses on here.

beauf

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

Need more context. So you think it a habit and intentional. Or is it intended as a slight or to denigrate you.

Its unprofessional sure. But it's impossible to know how to respond unless you know the context.

Personally I've never had any one use it intentionally as a put down. But it's also true if you ask someone to stop doing something and they keep doing it, then it might be.

beauf

I think if you've asked a few times and it's been ignored and you are sure it's done deliberately. You'd have to respond. But you'd have to not to drop to their level. It maybe you'd have to get their attention by manoeuvring around them, and excluding them where you can. Oblique pressure.

Squatter

Goodshape wrote: »

Nah, it actually has nothing at all to do with it.

A promoted officer in the army not wanting to be saluted / addressed as a superior by their former colleagues.

Someone asking not to be called 'love' by a colleague of equal standing in a businesses environment.

One of these things is not like the other.

Not at all. If you reflect on it a bit more I'm confident that you'll appreciate that the analogy I quoted is far more nuanced than your over-simplistic analysis suggests.



But hay! horses for courses and all that stuff!

Squatter

B0jangles wrote: »

Edit: it's kind of funny how the tone of the thread has changed so abruptly since it was moved into Work Problems - almost as if there's are different standards of behaviour expected in different places and speaking in a way which is unremarkable in one place is grounds for disiplinary action in another!

Not really.


It's explicitly stated in the "After Hours" rules thread that "What's OK here may not fly elsewhere on boards." Hence the moderation is more laid back in After Hours. (and all the better for it, IMHO.)


What would be "kind of funny" would be if the tone of the thread hadn't changed since it was evicted from After Hours!