Being called love in a senior position - Mod warning post 1; read if you posted here

Franz Von Peppercorn

BBFAN wrote: »

A lot senior than you will ever reach son.

Then why can’t you handle this fairly trivial problem, and why do you think that the rest of us (who you think are not so senior) can help.

As a senior manager you are presumably reporting into the very top level manager and should have sway, yourself, with HR. Threaten to report your colleague and if he continues actually report him. You should both know the HR rules. He’s almost certainly breaking them.

The Pheasant2

There's no quicker way to lose your aura of seniority than by insisting to everyone how very senior you are.

1hnr79jr65

I would speak to him 1 to 1 again further saying you have been documenting these incidents, you find them unprofessional and demeaning. If he continues speaking to you is a less than professional manner then you will escalate to hr to have the matter dealt with under the 9 grounds of discrimination.

dixiefly

Whether the OP is senior or not is totall irrelevant.

The term "love" whould not be used like this no matter what level or grade of work the recipient is.

After pointing it out once, the recipient is entitled to make the point more forcibly either in private or in front of others if necessary.

Squatter

The Pheasant2 wrote: »

There's no quicker way to lose your aura of seniority than by insisting to everyone how very senior you are.

Agree with that.


It's a well-known phenomenon in the military that when a good officer gets promoted to a more senior rank, he (or she) doesn't insist on his former colleagues saluting him or calling him "sir" (or ma'am) for quite a while, but when an incompetent or insecure individual gets promoted, they immediately insist on being treated with all of the deference that their new status requires. (No prizes for guessing which sort of officers are more popular with their colleagues!)

Goodshape

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

I agree with most of your post, but I'd suggest changing your response to 'there's no need to throw your eyes up to heaven'. Be painfully accurate, clear and specific. Don't give him any ammunition to throw back at you.

That sounds like giving him the ammunition to me though. You're going to start arguing over the meaning of an eye role.

"It's <my name>, not Love", "I'm not Love", etc., just calmly and matter of factly – as you would correct any honest mistake.


But basically yes – I do think it's unprofessional and demeaning in a working environment, particularly in a senior role. He mightn't intend for it to be and there may be "more important issues" in the world, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Goodshape

Squatter wrote: »

It's a well-known phenomenon in the military that when a good officer gets promoted to a more senior rank, he (or she) doesn't insist on his former colleagues saluting him or calling him "sir" (or ma'am) for quite a while, but when an incompetent or insecure individual gets promoted, they immediately insist on being treated with all of the deference that their new status requires. (No prizes for guessing which sort of officers are more popular with their colleagues!)

That's got nothing at all to do with being called "love" in the office.

Squatter

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

I would speak to him 1 to 1 again further saying you have been documenting these incidents, you find them unprofessional and demeaning. If he continues speaking to you is a less than professional manner then you will escalate to hr to have the matter dealt with under the 9 grounds of discrimination.

Isn't it genuinely amazing that a self-declared senior manager couldn't have thought of that all by herself?


But perhaps she's still on probation and doesn't want to rock the boat.

Teyla Emmagan

AndrewJRenko wrote:

I agree with most of your post, but I'd suggest changing your response to 'there's no need to throw your eyes up to heaven'. Be painfully accurate, clear and specific. Don't give him any ammunition to throw back at you.

You're right actually.

mvl

Wanted to see if this really get here, and it did. Wow !

IMO this subject does not qualify as Work Problem, when issue is raised by someone who refers to themselves as having a senior/management role.
The skills required to get to such a position should help OP with their dilemma.

- I would have given advice on this matter to someone junior who is after starting work, and in need of mentoring. Not the case here

Squatter

Goodshape wrote: »

That's got nothing at all to do with being called "love" in the office.

In your humble opinion. Which, seeing as you are a moderator (a synonym for "senior manager") is much more valuable than mine, sir (or ma'am).


(I am typing this post while standing to attention and saluting.)

Goodshape

Squatter wrote: »

In your humble opinion.

Nah, it actually has nothing at all to do with it.

A promoted officer in the army not wanting to be saluted / addressed as a superior by their former colleagues.

Someone asking not to be called 'love' by a colleague of equal standing in a businesses environment.

One of these things is not like the other.

STB.

BBFAN wrote: »

If someone who thinks that that it's okay to call someone who is equal to or above them on a professional level "love", then they shouldn't have any problem whatsoever with being called "son"". Am I right?

I gather that you are in the job about a month ?

So someone younger who is already at the same level (and therefore senior in the organisation) is referring to you as love ? If you regard it as a slight, then you need to be firm whilst being nice in telling them to drop the love talk sunshine.

Its nice to be important, but more important to be nice, love.....

beauf

STB. wrote: »

.. then you need to be firm whilst being nice in telling them to drop the love talk sunshine. ........

They have done this. Its in the original post.

STB.

beauf wrote: »

They have done this. Its in the original post.

Obviously not firmly enough.


If managers only have to worry about the mannerisms of other managers then they have little to worry about.

Mousewar

I'd never dream of addressing a woman as "love" in a workplace. It's really as simple as that. It screams of condescension. You're right to find it unprofessional and you're right to ask him to stop and you'd be right to firmly remind him of that every time he does it again.
And well done for putting up with some of the garbage responses on here.

beauf

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi All,

I've recently started a position in a very senior position and there's a person who is on the same level as me who calls me love.

Pisses me right off, I'm not his love, a lot older and a lot more qualified.

I've told him and he keeps correcting himself and throwing the eyes up to heaven like "ah you're making a big deal". Really pissing me off.

What do you all think?

Need more context. So you think it a habit and intentional. Or is it intended as a slight or to denigrate you.

Its unprofessional sure. But it's impossible to know how to respond unless you know the context.

Personally I've never had any one use it intentionally as a put down. But it's also true if you ask someone to stop doing something and they keep doing it, then it might be.

beauf

I think if you've asked a few times and it's been ignored and you are sure it's done deliberately. You'd have to respond. But you'd have to not to drop to their level. It maybe you'd have to get their attention by manoeuvring around them, and excluding them where you can. Oblique pressure.

Squatter

Goodshape wrote: »

Nah, it actually has nothing at all to do with it.

A promoted officer in the army not wanting to be saluted / addressed as a superior by their former colleagues.

Someone asking not to be called 'love' by a colleague of equal standing in a businesses environment.

One of these things is not like the other.

Not at all. If you reflect on it a bit more I'm confident that you'll appreciate that the analogy I quoted is far more nuanced than your over-simplistic analysis suggests.



But hay! horses for courses and all that stuff!

Squatter

B0jangles wrote: »

Edit: it's kind of funny how the tone of the thread has changed so abruptly since it was moved into Work Problems - almost as if there's are different standards of behaviour expected in different places and speaking in a way which is unremarkable in one place is grounds for disiplinary action in another!

Not really.


It's explicitly stated in the "After Hours" rules thread that "What's OK here may not fly elsewhere on boards." Hence the moderation is more laid back in After Hours. (and all the better for it, IMHO.)


What would be "kind of funny" would be if the tone of the thread hadn't changed since it was evicted from After Hours!

engiweirdo

Does he call every female colleague love or just yourself? Could be a feature of his normal speech that happens almost unconciously rather than intentional condescention. You cdo come across as a bit haughty in fairness, no idea what your "VERY" senior position has to do with anything.

beauf

engiweirdo wrote: »

..., no idea what your "VERY" senior position has to do with anything.

Generally how you talk should change depending on situation.

engiweirdo

Does he call every female colleague love or just yourself? Could be a feature of his normal speech that happens almost unconciously rather than intentional condescention. You cdo come across as a bit haughty in fairness, no idea what your "VERY" senior position has to do with anything.

beauf wrote: »

engiweirdo wrote: »

..., no idea what your "VERY" senior position has to do with anything.

Generally how you talk should change depending on situation.

Some animals ARE more equal than others? Got it.

posted at 8am GMT

posted at 8am GMT wrote: »

Mod:
Currently about half the posters on this thread are about to be carded / banned for thinking we're in AH; I'll give you all about 8h to sort out your posts and anything left at that time will be dealt with accordingly. Oh and any one posting after this post in anything close to what's above it will be banned.[/I]

To be fair, many users may well have mistaken this for an AH thread, as the OP had the same thread running in AH at the same time (it's locked now, but it was created around the same time, and floating around the main page at the same time).




https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057927929

Mr.Crinklewood

[Deleted User] wrote: »

To be fair, many users may well have mistaken this for an AH thread, as the OP had the same thread running in AH at the same time (it's locked now, but it was created around the same time, and floating around the main page at the same time).




https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057927929

Strange that two threads were created.

Muscles Schultz

Mr.Crinklewood wrote: »

Strange that two threads were created.

Wumming?

Squatter

Muscles Schultz wrote: »

Wumming?

No. She was advised (on AH) to open this thread here because so many respondents were taking the p1ss on her AH thread.

AndrewJRenko

Squatter wrote: »

Agree with that.


It's a well-known phenomenon in the military that when a good officer gets promoted to a more senior rank, he (or she) doesn't insist on his former colleagues saluting him or calling him "sir" (or ma'am) for quite a while, but when an incompetent or insecure individual gets promoted, they immediately insist on being treated with all of the deference that their new status requires. (No prizes for guessing which sort of officers are more popular with their colleagues!)

A good officer doesn't put 'popular with their colleagues' on top of their priority list.

mvl wrote: »

- I would have given advice on this matter to someone junior who is after starting work, and in need of mentoring. Not the case here

Everyone is in need of mentoring. The best CEOs and top executives that I know all make sure they have a good network of mentors.

B0jangles

Squatter wrote: »

Not really.

It's explicitly stated in the "After Hours" rules thread that "What's OK here may not fly elsewhere on boards." Hence the moderation is more laid back in After Hours. (and all the better for it, IMHO.)

What would be "kind of funny" would be if the tone of the thread hadn't changed since it was evicted from After Hours!

I think you've missed my point - AH is the equivalent of a casual setting and Work&Jobs has a totally different set of standards - and just like the OPs situation, what is an acceptable style of posting or way of addressing someone in a casual setting is unacceptable in a more formal or professional one.


The people who apparently can't understand this fact when it relates to the OP's situation seem to be well able to recognise it when there's a chance of getting carded for failing to do so here.

bfa1509

A lot of the females that I work with say "love" all the time. I shudder to think of their reaction if I or one of the other males said it to them.