Partner's Internet history - Help!

Artic Simian

Couples should sit down and talk about their porn preferences before moving in together? Tee hee hee. You really are making me laugh Emme, I'd say you're a barrel of laughs in the boudoir

What about before you move in, is it alright to like midget porn then?! Just not after you move in, thems the rules!! Ridiculous nonsense!

Emme

Artic Simian wrote: »

Couples should sit down and talk about their porn preferences before moving in together? Tee hee hee. You really are making me laugh Emme, I'd say you're a barrel of laughs in the boudoir

What about before you move in, is it alright to like midget porn then?! Just not after you move in, thems the rules!! Ridiculous nonsense!

It's called communication.

sexmag

Emme wrote: »

It's called communication.

It's called being a control freak/manipulator.

"So love before we move in let's have our porn talk, what are you into?"

"Ehm.......midget porn?"

"Sorry no you can't watch that,I find it weird so give it up or I'm moving out"

There is literally no couple who discuss that situation, yes couples watch porn together and generally that's the dynamic of their relationship as it's involved in their sex lives, after 3 years and they haven't discussed it or incorporated it then it's probably best to just leave it.

It's not cheating in my opinion and no different to other porn

Artic Simian

Emme wrote: »

Artic Simian wrote: »

Couples should sit down and talk about their porn preferences before moving in together? Tee hee hee. You really are making me laugh Emme, I'd say you're a barrel of laughs in the boudoir

What about before you move in, is it alright to like midget porn then?! Just not after you move in, thems the rules!! Ridiculous nonsense!

It's called communication.

It's called control and if you can't see that then there's no point trying to explain it to you. Maybe you should watch some porn, it might chill you out. May I suggest Shaving Private Ryan and White men can't hump?

.......

Artic Simian wrote: »

Couples should sit down and talk about their porn preferences before moving in together? Tee hee hee. You really are making me laugh Emme, I'd say you're a barrel of laughs in the boudoir

What about before you move in, is it alright to like midget porn then?! Just not after you move in, thems the rules!! Ridiculous nonsense!

How do you find out about your deal breakers if you never discuss them?

I would have thought that long before 2 people move in together they would know about each others porn preferences because theyd chatted about what each other liked at some point.

I wouldnt think a "lets sit down and talk about porn and what you like" is necessary for most people but when you are in a relationship with someone does chatting about porn likes and dislikes not come under much the same umbrella as chatting about what you like to do and have done in the bedroom?

Im kind of failing to see how one would be unaware of the others preferences after 3 years while in a sexual relationship unless the person was actively hiding those preferences.

Wabbit Ears

....... wrote: »

This sounds like you are ok with each other cheating so long as you dont tell or ask?

Is that it?

and there its is, the dumbest thing Im gonna read all day on t'internet.

blairbear

Any time there is a hint of criticism of watching pornography on this or other forums on boards.ie, men (and it does seem to be only men) get very annoyed. It is viewed as almost a human right; Man's Divine Right To Porn, and sacrosanct.

Whether all the other posters and voices of dissent find porn of this nature harmless or not is hardly relevant. We all have our own dealbreakers. For me, it would be any type of porn or sexual content that involves an interaction with the "performer". I would view this man's actions as akin to using a sex phoneline, getting a lapdance or sexting someone. Not everyone thinks porn is harmless and meaningless. Again, it is up to the couple to decide where the boundaries lie.

Some couples absolutely do discuss these boundaries; I have before in relationships. I agree with all of Emme's points and it's immature, sexist and highly unpleasant to suggest that she needs to chill out by watching porn herself. The "uptight woman must be deprived of sexual pleasure" trope is surely a product of a bygone era. You disagree with her opinion; grand. Disagree. There is no need to be abusive and disparaging.

For what it's worth, OP, you wouldn't see me for dust. Directing a woman to perform a personalised sexual act while masturbating is not consistent with fidelity in a relationship for me. Again, I know others feel differently. You need to decide where your line in the sand is drawn.

.......

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

and there its is, the dumbest thing Im gonna read all day on t'internet.

If you are unable to refute the point with some civility and simply resort to personal abuse, you clearly dont have much of a point to make.

So we are to take it that indeed - if its not talked about - its ok. In your world.

Thats fine, glad it works for you. Wouldnt work for most people.

Wabbit Ears

....... wrote: »

If you are unable to refute the point with some civility and simply resort to personal abuse, you clearly dont have much of a point to make.

So we are to take it that indeed - if its not talked about - its ok. In your world.

Thats fine, glad it works for you. Wouldnt work for most people.

Honestly, I cant really give a better response to your jump that not talking about your personal kinks when it comes to porn equals in any way not talking about cheating makes cheating ok. Thats.... Just.... What?

.......

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Honestly, I cant really give a better response to your jump that not talking about your personal kinks when it comes to porn equals in any way not talking about cheating makes cheating ok. Thats.... Just.... What?

Ok. Personal kinks.

Your words:

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

My other half and I have a fairly standard agreement around porn. Its the same agreement we have about our ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Its teh same agreement about what happens in our dirty day and nightime dreams. Its the same agreement around sex-toys. Its the same agreement we have about randomers we see that we think are hot.

That agreement is we're adults. We have adult thoughts. We have sexual tastes and fantasies that are our own. We agree to respect that and not ask questions we dont want answers to because, as you've found out, nothing good comes from that!! you really only need to learn that lesson once.

You and your other half have agreed not to ask or talk about porn, ex's, dirty dreams, sex toys and randomers. Personal kinks as you referred to above.

I mean - that kind of an agreement is incredibly odd to me anyway, if you cant talk about sex toys with someone you are actually having sex with then I can only assume you are both extremely prudish.

However, as you seem to have a blanket ban on talking or asking about all things sexual, then if your personal kink happened to be one nighters with strangers - by your own agreement that you have stated the terms of - its ok if you dont talk about it.

Personally, I wouldnt be into such a prudish and uncommunicative attitude to all things related to sex and sexuality - but hey - if it works for you BOTH then thats great for you.

Although I would strongly advise that people DO discuss these things because if I came across someone with odd notions like this I would be extremely taken aback.

In fact, I wouldnt have thought any of the things you mentioned were kinks at all, just normal aspects of life, relationships and sex. People have ex's, people use sex toys, people have dirty thoughts (something very catholic about that expression), they look at other people on the street and people watch porn. Its hard for me to believe that any adult relationship would ban talking about such matters in case they heard something they didnt want to hear.

osarusan

I would imagine that it's because their porn preferences are somewhat removed from (by being more personal and interactive than) the norm, that they are more likely secretive about it.

It's going to be more likely that somebody will take issue with paying for tokens to allow you to tell some performer what to do, than it is for the 'usual' porn.

.......

osarusan wrote: »

I would imagine that it's because their porn preferences are somewhat removed from (by being more personal and interactive than) the norm, that they are more likely secretive about it.

It's going to be more likely that somebody will take issue with paying for tokens to allow you to tell some performer what to do, than it is for the 'usual' porn.

Which is exactly why you should be upfront with your partner about these things before you move them and their child in.

Its all about communication, despite some of the attitudes displayed on this thread regarding secrecy within a relationship.

If you dont communicate you end up in a situation like the OP is now in.

Wabbit Ears

....... wrote:

Ok. Personal kinks.

You're arguing using the logical fallacy of appeal to extremes.

power pants

i have not read all posts so I’m probably repeating others

These types of threads always are deeply divided. Personally, I’m ok with porn but don’t really view it that much myself. I find porn can be harmless in my opinion when for example you are on your own and partner is out or just have a higher sex drive and partner not up for sex

However, I think the paying and giving commands to someone live on air is going a little too far. Again it’s all about opinions And boundaries

I don’t think op should “lighten up” if she isn’t comfortable with this

Porklife

power pants wrote: »

i have not read all posts so I’m probably repeating others

These types of threads always are deeply divided. Personally, I’m ok with porn but don’t really view it that much myself. I find porn can be harmless in my opinion when for example you are on your own and partner is out or just have a higher sex drive and partner not up for sex

However, I think the paying and giving commands to someone live on air is going a little too far. Again it’s all about opinions And boundaries

I don’t think op should “lighten up” if she isn’t comfortable with this

Nobody told the Op to lighten up, everyone has said they understand why she feels upset. I told Emme to lighten up but she's a different ballgame altogether!

power pants

Apologies, I wasn’t paying close enough attention.

tupenny

sexmag wrote: »

People hardly sat down and discuss their porn preferences before moving in. It's not like there's a list that people tick off before moving in.

The Chinese say people have 3 faces, the one the world sees, the one friends and family see and one only you see. I'd say most put personal porn preferences in the last one and not usually let other people know what the REALLY like

I find that extremely offensive

ShaShaBear

I totally get why the OP is upset. No issue with porn here either, or unusual and private preferences within the section of porn. I know my husband watches it, he knows I watch it, sometimes we watch it together. After many years of living together, we've stumbled across these "searches" a million times - he knows what I look for, I know what he looks for. But if I saw that what he was "looking for" was to pay a woman to perform sexual acts for him, he'd be getting an ultimatum.
I could compare it to a strip club - I would not be bothered that my husband was in one. I wouldn't be bothered if he had a good leer. I would be bothered if he used money to get her to do something sexual for him. Touching or not, it adds an extra dimension akin to intimacy that obviously isn't there in generic porn.

The changing passwords and whatnot is doubly concerning. This was easily found by typing a few letters into Google Search. If the page is frequently visited, the tablet will easily assume that's what you want it to show you. And I'm not surprised at snooping either. If I found something like that, I would research into it too, or snoop, to ensure I had my facts right and wasn't being a numpty before I tackled the issue with my partner.

OP, it sounds like the trust is gone, and when it's gone - it's gone. I'd suggest sitting down with your partner - you've been with him long enough at this stage - and have a final discussion with him. I've been in some situations where I was given an "explanation" for unacceptable behaviour and was able to move on from it. And in some instances, I couldn't shake the feeling there was more to it and I was 100% right. Trust your gut. If you can't trust him after three years, then there might be a reason for that.

LushiousLips

Porklife wrote:

Nobody told the Op to lighten up, everyone has said they understand why she feels upset. I told Emme to lighten up but she's a different ballgame altogether!

Soooo true!!!

LushiousLips

ShaShaBear wrote:

OP, it sounds like the trust is gone, and when it's gone - it's gone. I'd suggest sitting down with your partner - you've been with him long enough at this stage - and have a final discussion with him. I've been in some situations where I was given an "explanation" for unacceptable behaviour and was able to move on from it. And in some instances, I couldn't shake the feeling there was more to it and I was 100% right. Trust your gut. If you can't trust him after three years, then there might be a reason for that.

They have had their discussion, she's said she wasn't happy with him paying for it. He won't continue to do it. I certainly wouldn't throw away a 3 year relationship over it.

Toots

LushiousLips wrote: »

They have had their discussion, she's said she wasn't happy with him paying for it. He won't continue to do it. I certainly wouldn't throw away a 3 year relationship over it.

I'd agree with this, but for the fact that he suddenly started changing all his passwords to everything. That would suggest to me that there's other stuff that he knows she wouldn't be happy about.

I have no problems with my husband watching porn, because it's just fantasy. It's just visual stimulation without any interaction. I wouldn't have a problem with him watching cam girls, provided it was watching only. If he started interacting with her and especially paying her to do stuff, then that's where a line is crossed.

If I found out that my husband had bought those cam girl tokens, I wouldn't be happy about it. I'd sit him down and explain why, and see what he had to say. If he said he understood and promised not to do it anymore, I'd be fine and we'd move on. However, if he promised not to do it anymore and then went and changed the passwords for all his accounts etc then I'd be wondering what else he was trying to hide and it would definitely be playing on my mind.

suicide_circus

just as one is not automatically entitled to have relations with ones partner whenever the mood takes you, nor is your partner entitled to automatic access to your private thoughts and fantasy life whenever the mood takes them. we're all adults and are entitled to a bit of privacy without being snooped on.

but I will say that paying for it with a one to one individual is another story altogether.

tara73

I don't know where this accusations come from she was actively snooping. As written in the OP she gave him a tablet as a present, this tablet was openly lying around, she wanted to search something with google and this website popped up as a suggested search result as 'nice' google or every other search tool is doing it these day.


From all we know, she wasn't actively snooping.


just seen, OP clarified this in a seperate post, she wasn't actively snooping, so people should refrain from accusing her of it

sexmag

How does op know that he changed his passwords? Has she gone through all his social media accounts and previously knew all his passwords or has her partner just actively logged out of them now

Newbie54321

sexmag wrote: »

How does op know that he changed his passwords? Has she gone through all his social media accounts and previously knew all his passwords or has her partner just actively logged out of them now

Hi, Op here, to clarify this after I text him telling him I found the site & tokens etc, he came home fairly distressed and after we talked he went on the tablet and afterwards told me he deleted his profile on the site so I went back on to check (yes, wrong of me I should just trust what he says but I was very upset and also my child uses the tablet sometimes on kids mode)
So he had deleted the history and also showed he searched how to log out of Facebook on all devices and reset his passwords. I don’t know his Facebook password, and he doesn’t have the Facebook app on the tablet, only on his phone.
I have never tried to look at his phone.
Since this happened I’ve tried to forget about it and move on but it’s hard not to be suspicious.
He knows I have no access to his fbook so why change it?
Also he now never leaves the phone out of his site. Even going upstairs to change his clothes he’ll bring the phone with him and when we’re sitting watching tv he leaves it face down at all times.
Also when I found that site with the tokens there is another app with the same first 3 letters that he appears to have googled that lets you video chat to strangers. I didn’t bring this one up with him as I didn’t know what it was at the time but have googled it myself since

tara73

Newbie54321 wrote: »

Hi, Op here, to clarify this after I text him telling him I found the site & tokens etc, he came home fairly distressed and after we talked he went on the tablet and afterwards told me he deleted his profile on the site so I went back on to check (yes, wrong of me I should just trust what he says but I was very upset and also my child uses the tablet sometimes on kids mode)
So he had deleted the history and also showed he searched how to log out of Facebook on all devices and reset his passwords. I don’t know his Facebook password, and he doesn’t have the Facebook app on the tablet, only on his phone.
I have never tried to look at his phone.
Since this happened I’ve tried to forget about it and move on but it’s hard not to be suspicious.
He knows I have no access to his fbook so why change it?
Also he now never leaves the phone out of his site. Even going upstairs to change his clothes he’ll bring the phone with him and when we’re sitting watching tv he leaves it face down at all times.
Also when I found that site with the tokens there is another app with the same first 3 letters that he appears to have googled that lets you video chat to strangers. I didn’t bring this one up with him as I didn’t know what it was at the time but have googled it myself since

OP, this sounds bad.

I wasn't really decided on whether it's just some harmless stuff/his 'fetish' so to say and paying a little bit (? don't know how much it would be) for it.

But this behaviour now of hiding his phone/never let it unattended/ leaving it face down indicates for me he has much more to hide. It clearly indicates he has this sex stuff going on on many other platforms. even on Facebook he seems to be something going on.

Only you can decide but at this stage I would be questioning him too.

I mean, how is the relationship? Is he loving, affectionate, do you in general talk openly about everything ? If it's a great relationship, it would be worth discussing your concerns with him and to hear what he has to say to it all. His ability to discuss this or not being able to be open with you and taking your concerns seriously, especially when your child is growing up with him, will tell you the most I would say.

There's watching porn produced for the mass market, a pastime of many. Then there's paying for sexual services with an individual where you are directly interacting with them. That's a whole other level and quite a different ball game.

I'm sure many of the people dismissing it would feel differently if they came home and found their partner paying for particular sexual services they participate in (masturbate to) with a specific individual. I think it's a lot less harmless and much more personal, and probably something that won't be given up and just driven into further secrecy.

It wouldn't be for me, especially after giving up a life to share his. It'd be a trust issue, one that would be very hard to get adequate reassurance about because of the furtive way sex services are engaged with.

sbsquarepants

tupenny wrote: »

I find that extremely offensive

Why?

Contessa Raven

Newbie54321 wrote: »

Also he now never leaves the phone out of his site. Even going upstairs to change his clothes he’ll bring the phone with him and when we’re sitting watching tv he leaves it face down at all times.

This is a massive red flag, imo. He is clearly afraid you might see something if his phone is unattended. Maybe it's a notification from a porn website, maybe it's a notification from a dating website. Maybe it's someone messaging him.

If he's changed his passcode and logins for everything, he should have no fear of you snooping, so why not just leave the phone face up on the table when he leaves the room?

I'm always amazed that people think this sort of behaviour isn't noticeable.

.......

Newbie54321 wrote: »

Also he now never leaves the phone out of his site. Even going upstairs to change his clothes he’ll bring the phone with him and when we’re sitting watching tv he leaves it face down at all times.

This is very telling behaviour.

Its not possible to sustain this when you live with someone. Besides the stress of always having to be conscious of what your phone is doing, the furtive behaviour is going to cause problems.

Have you challenged him on his new "phone guardian" behaviour and what does he say about it?

Im sorry to say that I think this kind of behaviour is end game. You dont trust him and he doesnt trust you not to see something on his phone.

What is he hiding that he would engage in this type of phone guarding? Its not possible to live your life guarding your phone like this when you live with someone, so the day will come when you do see something that he is currently trying to block you from seeing. Whats going to happen then? You will be all the more annoyed that he has been hiding it for so long etc....

Im sorry to say this but he doesnt sound like he is mature enough to enter into an adult relationship with someone and live with them.