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Partner's Internet history - Help!
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Watching standard porn is one thing - it’s a one way street where the watcher consumes the porn but doesn’t interact.
In this case, it appears that the partner is interacting with the performers, directing them and getting them to respond to his demands, and for me that would cross the line.
OP - forget the comments here about “snooping”. For me that’s whataboutery.
What matters now os how much you believe and trust your partner. If you don’t trust him or believe he’s telling you everything, you’ve got to let him know. Give him the opportunity to convince you in a way that you’ll accept. If you can’t accept it, then you need to decide if this relationship should continue.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »Ok, So the guy watches porn and buys tokens for a bit of a laugh.. Im sorry, This is all perfectly normal. Guys watch porn. We all do it. I watch MyFreecams the odd time. I dont buy tokens but I dont judge anyone who does.
So.. Porn is normal.. Lets move onto trust
You went onto HIS computer and looked at his internet history and then spent time investigating his activity on a porn site. So really, the only person here breaching trust is the OP.
So she goes confronts him and lets him know shes been snooping in his internet history! Shat does a normal guy do? He logs off everything to prevent her from snooping some more and clears autofill info, That's what he does!
so.. back to the watching porn bit. We all do it but we dont usually share the details of exactly what it is we watch or what sort of interactions we have with porn. While we all do it were generally pretty private about it.
So yea, from a guys point of view my girl just moved in, made the rookie mistake of staying logged into porn sites (incognito FTW) and got embarrassingly caught. She obviously has no respect for a dudes boundaries or privacy so best to learn our lessons and not make those mistakes again.
Pretty much agree with the above. It seems a but hysterical to me.0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »Hi, OP here, just to clarify, I wasn't snooping when I found it. I put the first 2 letters in the search bar for something I was googling myself and they happened to be the same letters of the start of this website.. the token thing also came up on the same line.
I'm not in the habit of checking these things, I agree snooping won't get me anywhere, I've had an ex do this to me continually and it's awful.
I just hope there's nothing more to this... like random chat rooms etc - I get it's not physically cheating but in my eyes it's a betrayal
Its just not though. I suggest you move on if you can. There's a lot worse he could be doing/ looking at. I find those sites quite childish tbh, and as others have said, it can be got for free. Maybe he isnt particularly internet savvy.0 -
I think the fact that he is paying for tokens that allow him to interact with and even instruct the model onscreen adds an extra dimension to things, and maybe it's this dimension that is the issue. It's probably much less usual than just watching porn.
But for the OP, I wonder if you can narrow down exactly what the issue is.
Is it a money issue? You said the tokens cost quite a bit.
Is it an issue that he hid this from you until now? If, say, he'd been open about it at some point when you previously discussed/watched porn together or whatever, would it still have been a problem?
Or is it the fact there is an extra level of interaction, something a bit more personal about it, that is the issue?
It's not a money issue as such, it's more the interaction and the fact it's live and he's instructing and paying her to do things... this is what bothers me most. To me there is a more personal element to it.
Also when I first asked he tried to lie and say he came across it by accident.
Yes he was embarrassed and he felt bad, hence the lie.. it wasn't my intention to shame him - I love this man dearly. I just got so upset and was already on edge trying to settle everything in and have us get used to living together full time.
There is a ton of free porn online that isn't live and is completely free and believe me when I say I have no issue with him availing of that.
before this happened we'd never really sat down and had a conversation about porn or what each other's boundaries are... also from his reaction to when I told him he knew this was out of line.
I know people will think "what harm can it do if she doesn't know about it" - in this case ignorance is bliss.
That said I wouldn't dream of visiting chat rooms or anything that involves interacting sexually with other men cos I know damn well it's wrong and I wouldn't hurt him in this way0 -
Nothing Hollywood about it but it would take too much effort and not be worth the bother.
I never mentioned any mantra but I would personally be concerned at the mindset of someone who was so intent on hiding aspects of his life from his partner. If he goes to what much effort to hide something so ordinary, then what else might be getting hidden?
Ive little time for people who engage in viewing their partners as the enemy.
If you cant be open with your partner then its not much of a relationship IMO. Whats the point?
Edited - just to add. If you are doing something that you know would cause distress to your partner - why be with that partner? I dont stuff that would hurt my husband. I respect him and love him and wouldnt want to upset him. If there was some practice that I wanted to engage in that he couldnt accept, then we simply wouldnt be together in the first place. Lies and secrecy dont make for healthy relationships.
I think you're taking me up wrong!
I'm not doing anything that would cause distress to anyone. I'm not implying it's ok to sneak around behind your partners back - that's a shítty thing to do! I don't view her as my enemy in any way whatsoever.
I'm just a private person in some respects, I'm fairly open about most things, but I like to be left alone to my own devices and I reserve the right to be 100% in control of what information I share and what I don't share with any other person - I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder for any reason. Having someone snoop through my stuff would cause distress to me - why should I put up with that? My solution is similar to yours - I'm with someone who doesn't want to snoop. I wouldn't be with someone who felt the need to be checking up on me all the time.
If you and your hubby want to check each others everything - have at it, there's no problem there, so long as it's what you both want. The problem stems when one person doesn't want it - which the OP's partner clearly doesn't (just like I wouldn't and countless others wouldn't) He's changed his passwords etc. - now either respect his privacy or find someone else who doesn't mind you nosing around.
Horses for courses - that's all I'm saying.0 -
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Newbie54321 wrote: »That said I wouldn't dream of visiting chat rooms or anything that involves interacting sexually with other men cos I know damn well it's wrong and I wouldn't hurt him in this way
Have you asked if it would hurt him or are you assuming?
Maybe he wouldn't care?0 -
sbsquarepants wrote: »Have you asked if it would hurt him or are you assuming?
Maybe he wouldn't care?
I have asked him and he said he wouldn't be happy with it. Again, whether that was just said to appease me I don't know0 -
On the one hand you say you are not doing anything to cause distress, but on the other you said you would emigrate if the missus knew about some things you do. So if youre not doing anything to cause distress, then whats the issue?sbsquarepants wrote: »If you and your hubby want to check each others everything - have at it, there's no problem there, so long as it's what you both want. The problem stems when one person doesn't want it - which the OP's partner clearly doesn't (just like I wouldn't and countless others wouldn't) He's changed his passwords etc. - now either respect his privacy or find someone else who doesn't mind you nosing around.
Actually we never check on each other because we do have trust and we are completely open.
But in the same manner in which the OP found this activity, people who live together stumble across hints of each others private lives all the time. Its impossible not to.
Whether it be a vibrator left on the bed or a credit card bill left open on the counter or a search history not deleted in a browser, if you are living a life where you have to actively make the effort to hide such things then its really not much of a life is it? In my own home I dont feel the need to hide anything I do. My husband is my partner, not my prison guard.
Who wants to live watching someone frantically trying to hide whatever they are doing and trying to lie about it if stumbled upon?
And who wants to live frantically hiding what they are doing and coming up with lies to cover it?0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »I have asked him and he said he wouldn't be happy with it. Again, whether that was just said to appease me I don't know
Double standards then?
Why is it ok for him and not for you?0 -
On the one hand you say you are not doing anything to cause distress, but on the other you said you would emigrate if the missus knew about some things you do. So if youre not doing anything to cause distress, then whats the issue??
Jaysus, that was a joke!Who wants to live watching someone frantically trying to hide whatever they are doing and trying to lie about it if stumbled upon?
And who wants to live frantically hiding what they are doing and coming up with lies to cover it?
Not me anyway.
As I've said - you're taking me up wrong - probably my fault, don't take everything I've said quite so literally! I'm just stressing the point that not everyone is comfortable with living in each others pockets. It's nice to have a bit of time and space to yourself sometimes, without ever having to report back what you done in that time and space - even to your partner.
Some people in relationships see themselves as half a couple, others as a pair of individuals.
Anyway - we digress.....
Back on topic - double standards are never good, if it's not OK for you to be doing it, it's not OK for him. If he knows this and yet is doing it anyway, that's a different thing entirely to my point. That's not valuing privacy, it's just being disrespectful.0 -
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One piece of advice that I originally got from my mother and which I have validated through many years of experience is that, in general, people don't change. When you are making a decision about whether or not you want to continue in a relationship with this guy, you shouldn't assume that in the future his fundamental character is going to significantly change.
Another aspect you need to consider here is if your partner is exhibiting signs of compulsive behavior? Is this an addiction? If it is, it could cause you all great harm in the long run as you get caught up in his problem. But there are ways out - but it would need to be approached head on in an honest manner - it sounds like you might be far from that point here.0 -
I think the fact that he is paying for tokens that allow him to interact with and even instruct the model onscreen adds an extra dimension to things, and maybe it's this dimension that is the issue. It's probably much less usual than just watching porn.
You mean like paying premium rate phone call to vote for your favorite act on X factor?
Or betting on a football match or horserace to get a bigger kick out of the game?
A few quid for interaction adds a dimension but its harmless.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »You mean like paying premium rate phone call to vote for your favorite act on X factor?
Or betting on a football match or horserace to get a bigger kick out of the game?
A few quid for interaction adds a dimension but its harmless.
Ah here, none of those things are remotely comparable.0 -
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Wabbit Ears wrote: »why not? You pay tokens for additional interaction with a model whos gets paid through those tokens on a screen.
take away a taboo around porn and how is it different?
Because in none of the scenarios you mentioned is there any direct interaction with the other party. They're oblivious to the fact that you even exist. Communicating directly with and paying a cam girl to do what you want is breaking a fourth wall that remains in place in all your examples and, indeed, in standard porn.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »You mean like paying premium rate phone call to vote for your favorite act on X factor?
Or betting on a football match or horserace to get a bigger kick out of the game?
A few quid for interaction adds a dimension but its harmless.
These analogies dont compare at all.
The best I can come up with is a live sex show on a stage surrounded by glass wall booths where the audience pays for what the girl does and perhaps she might interact directly with some booths by walking over to the glass?0 -
Because in none of the scenarios you mentioned is there any direct interaction with the other party. They're oblivious to the fact that you even exist. Communicating directly with and paying a cam girl to do what you want is breaking a fourth wall that remains in place in all your examples and, indeed, in standard porn.
Right and what about a pole dancing club, throwing money at woman on poles, widely accepted in the world, used in movies and frequented by stags and the opposite woman going to them chip and dales shows, strippers at birthday parties, ann summers parties.
Its all about drawing the line on what you find acceptable op, its unfortunate you snooped and lets be honest thats what it is after you saw it come up, now its up to you two to decide if you will be ok with his porn habits in private or you dont want him to do it anymore and for him to decide if he will stop if you ask him too, ultimately i dont think he will continue and will find other type of excitement from them if you want him to stop but then that needs to be it, you cant all of sudden find out he watchs lesbian porn and decide thats not acceptable to you, that will set an unfortunate precident and its only fair a person can do what they like in their private time without judgement provided its not hurting anyone0 -
These analogies dont compare at all.
The best I can come up with is a live sex show on a stage surrounded by glass wall booths where the audience pays for what the girl does and perhaps she might interact directly with some booths by walking over to the glass?
Its called a pole dancing club, woman and men dance and people give them monet in their underwear etc0 -
Its called a pole dancing club, woman and men dance and people give them monet in their underwear etc
They are not performing sex acts and the men are not publicly masturbating. And there is no screen between the customer and the girl.
Not in any Ive been to anyway.
Paying for cam porn is not the same as a pole dancing club at all.0 -
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Because in none of the scenarios you mentioned is there any direct interaction with the other party. They're oblivious to the fact that you even exist. Communicating directly with and paying a cam girl to do what you want is breaking a fourth wall that remains in place in all your examples and, indeed, in standard porn.
The cam girl sees a screenname and you're one of a hundreds of other anonymous online users.
The more I reed replies on this thread the more I understand that most folk really don't know how these cam tokens work. the vast majority of using them is tipping the performer when she does soemthing you like or adding to a pot where she will get her kit off when she gets to X number of tokens. no real interaction at all.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »The more I reed replies on this thread the more I understand that most folk really don't know how these cam tokens work. the vast majority of using them is tipping the performer when she does soemthing you like or adding to a pot where she will get her kit off when she gets to X number of tokens. no real interaction at all.
Apologies if I'm not allowed to ask this but would your other half be ok with you doing this? Assuming you were doing it all along without her knowledge and she found out? Just curious0 -
Are you actually for real?!My main concern for the OP is that there is a child involved. Her child.
Some porn does not involve just adults.
Porn is fine if it involves adults and isn't a financial drain on the household (he watches pay-per-view porn). He is also going on a lads holiday to Asia which in many cases involves visiting prostitutes.
Is the OP happy with this for herself? Fine.
Is the OP happy with this for her child? Not fine.
You're suggesting without any tangible evidence and with no basis at all that his 'pay per view' porn as you keep referring to it may not just involve adults, that it might involve minors too. Whoooaaaa... calm down there Columbo!
You've also implied that he's going to Asia to bang hookers and that he's causing 'financial drain' on the household and you're concerned for her child. Wow. Honestly, your kind of mindset is dangerous and the reason most men hide porn or at least don't shout it from the rooftops. I'm a woman btw. Chances are this hasn't affected her child at all. Jesus.
Op, I completely understand why this is upsetting for you but you love this man dearly and I really think you should try to get past this. I remember years ago learning that my partner had escorts come to his house, this was before he was with me and they had s*x in his bed, the same bed we were using and it really upset me. I was picturing these supermodel escorts who were amazing in bed. I wrecked my head and ultimately ruined our relationship.
In retrospect, I really regret that. It was none of my business what he did and with who before we got together. What these girls looked like is irrelevant. He loved me and wanted to be with me but I threw it all away and went nuts at him for having a good time before we'd even met!
So what if he buys tokens. It's not nice to picture him doing that obviously and I totally get why you're upset, I would be too, but it isn't real or logical. For him this is just meaningless kicks with faceless women. It's just gratification, it doesn't affect his feelings for you at all.
In time, you won't feel as hurt OP. Don't throw away what you have over this. Try to get past it. Feel how you feel, talk it over and let it go. If he does it again, then maybe it's time to reevaluate.
Best of luck OP!!
Btw, you sound like a very cool understanding gf.0 -
Artic Simian wrote: »Are you actually for real?!
You're suggesting without any tangible evidence and with no basis at all that his 'pay per view' porn as you keep referring to it may not just involve adults, that it might involve minors too. Whoooaaaa... calm down there Columbo!
I suggested nothing of the sort. I simply stated that some porn does not involve adults. You could take it to mean household furniture or anything else you can thing of. Only the OP's boyfriend knows what kind of porn he was watching.Artic Simian wrote: »You've also implied that he's going to Asia to bang hookers and that he's causing 'financial drain' on the household and you're concerned for her child.
His girlfriend has moved in but he still booked a holiday to Asia with his friend. Some people go to Asia for the culture and cuisine. Others go for hedonism. Others go to see oriental art or to go trekking in the Himalayas. It may matter to the OP that he is going to Asia with his friend because she mentioned it.Artic Simian wrote: »Wow. Honestly, your kind of mindset is dangerous and the reason most men hide porn or at least don't shout it from the rooftops. I'm a woman btw. Chances are this hasn't affected her child at all. Jesus.
I don't see how my mindset is dangerous. The move to a new home and a new school will affect her child and she has taken that into account. She didn't take into account discovering that her partner had a habit of watching pay-per-view porn.Artic Simian wrote: »Op, I completely understand why this is upsetting for you but you love this man dearly and I really think you should try to get past this. I remember years ago learning that my partner had escorts come to his house, this was before he was with me and they had s*x in his bed, the same bed we were using and it really upset me. I was picturing these supermodel escorts who were amazing in bed. I wrecked my head and ultimately ruined our relationship.
In retrospect, I really regret that. It was none of my business what he did and with who before we got together. What these girls looked like is irrelevant. He loved me and wanted to be with me but I threw it all away and went nuts at him for having a good time before we'd even met!
So what if he buys tokens. It's not nice to picture him doing that obviously and I totally get why you're upset, I would be too, but it isn't real or logical. For him this is just meaningless kicks with faceless women. It's just gratification, it doesn't affect his feelings for you at all.
In time, you won't feel as hurt OP. Don't throw away what you have over this. Try to get past it. Feel how you feel, talk it over and let it go. If he does it again, then maybe it's time to reevaluate.
Best of luck OP!!
Btw, you sound like a very cool understanding gf.
Being "cool and understanding" doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
I hope it works out for the OP no matter what she does. However too many children have suffered because their mother was willing to do anything to hold onto a man, in some cases (not all) sacrifice the welfare of their children. These women lose all self-respect and are happy to put up with anything just to have a man.
I am in no way suggesting that the OP would do this or that her partner has any interest in children or indeed other women.
However the OP should demand complete honesty. If he cares about her he will be honest with her. This includes what he will do on his holiday to Asia. It is better to be honest than to get an STD.
Again I am in no way suggesting that the OP's partner is going to use prostitutes or cheat when he is in Asia.
IF (but he probably ISN'T) he is going to do that and the OP is ok with it then they should use barrier protection until he gets the all clear from a full STD screen when he comes back.0 -
Hi sgf moved in yet he still booked a holiday to Asia with his friend...Artic Simian wrote: »Are you actually for real?!
You're suggesting without any tangible evidence and with no basis at all that his 'pay per view' porn as you keep referring to it may not just involve adults, that it might involve minors too. Whoooaaaa... calm down there Columbo!
I suggested nothing of the sort. I simply stated that some porn does not involve adults. You could take it to mean household furniture or anything else you can thing of. Only the OP's boyfriend knows what kind of porn he was watching.Artic Simian wrote: »You've also implied that he's going to Asia to bang hookers and that he's causing 'financial drain' on the household and you're concerned for her child.
His girlfriend has moved in but he still booked a holiday to Asia with his friend. Some people go to Asia for the culture and cuisine. Others go for hedonism. Others go to see oriental art or to go trekking in the Himalayas. It may matter to the OP that he is going to Asia with his friend because she mentioned it.Artic Simian wrote: »Wow. Honestly, your kind of mindset is dangerous and the reason most men hide porn or at least don't shout it from the rooftops. I'm a woman btw. Chances are this hasn't affected her child at all. Jesus.
I don't see how my mindset is dangerous. The move to a new home and a new school will affect her child and she has taken that into account. She didn't take into account discovering that her partner had a habit of watching pay-per-view porn.Artic Simian wrote: »Op, I completely understand why this is upsetting for you but you love this man dearly and I really think you should try to get past this. I remember years ago learning that my partner had escorts come to his house, this was before he was with me and they had s*x in his bed, the same bed we were using and it really upset me. I was picturing these supermodel escorts who were amazing in bed. I wrecked my head and ultimately ruined our relationship.
In retrospect, I really regret that. It was none of my business what he did and with who before we got together. What these girls looked like is irrelevant. He loved me and wanted to be with me but I threw it all away and went nuts at him for having a good time before we'd even met!
So what if he buys tokens. It's not nice to picture him doing that obviously and I totally get why you're upset, I would be too, but it isn't real or logical. For him this is just meaningless kicks with faceless women. It's just gratification, it doesn't affect his feelings for you at all.
In time, you won't feel as hurt OP. Don't throw away what you have over this. Try to get past it. Feel how you feel, talk it over and let it go. If he does it again, then maybe it's time to reevaluate.
Best of luck OP!!
Btw, you sound like a very cool understanding gf.
Being "cool and understanding" doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
I hope it works out for the OP no matter what she does. However too many children have suffered because their mother was willing to do anything to hold onto a man, in some cases (not all) sacrifice the welfare of their children. These women lose all self-respect and are happy to put up with anything just to have a man.
I am in no way suggesting that the OP would do this or that her partner has any interest in children or indeed other women.
However the OP should demand complete honesty. If he cares about her he will be honest with her. This includes what he will do on his holiday to Asia. It is better to be honest than to get an STD.
Again I am in no way suggesting that the OP's partner is going to use prostitutes or cheat when he is in Asia.
IF (but he probably ISN'T) he is going to do that and the OP is ok with it then they should use barrier protection until he gets the all clear from a full STD screen when he comes back.
So what? Are you saying once you move in with someone you're no longer allowed book holidays without them? You have to always holiday together? I'm sure he consulted her before booking it and I'm assuming she was okay with that.
Drop the coy act while you're at at it. You implied he was going to use prostitutes or you wouldn't have brought it up. You do on my ass think he's going for the cusine or oriental art. You sound like someone who isn't very fond of men.
Saying they should use barrier protection if he picks up an STD in Asia is just ludicrous and purely putting ideas in the OP's mind.0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »Apologies if I'm not allowed to ask this but would your other half be ok with you doing this? Assuming you were doing it all along without her knowledge and she found out? Just curious
My other half and I have a fairly standard agreement around porn. Its the same agreement we have about our ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Its teh same agreement about what happens in our dirty day and nightime dreams. Its the same agreement around sex-toys. Its the same agreement we have about randomers we see that we think are hot.
That agreement is we're adults. We have adult thoughts. We have sexual tastes and fantasies that are our own. We agree to respect that and not ask questions we dont want answers to because, as you've found out, nothing good comes from that!! you really only need to learn that lesson once.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »My other half and I have a fairly standard agreement around porn. Its the same agreement we have about our ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Its teh same agreement about what happens in our dirty day and nightime dreams. Its the same agreement around sex-toys. Its the same agreement we have about randomers we see that we think are hot.
That agreement is we're adults. We have adult thoughts. We have sexual tastes and fantasies that are our own. We agree to respect that and not ask questions we dont want answers to because, as you've found out, nothing good comes from that!! you really only need to learn that lesson once.
If the agreement works for you both that's great.
If a couple are planning to move in together they should sit down and talk about any agreements beforehand so there are no surprises like with the OP.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »We agree to respect that and not ask questions we dont want answers to because, as you've found out, nothing good comes from that!!
This sounds like you are ok with each other cheating so long as you dont tell or ask?
Is that it?0 -
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If the agreement works for you both that's great.
If a couple are planning to move in together they should sit down and talk about any agreements beforehand so there are no surprises like with the OP.
People hardly sat down and discuss their porn preferences before moving in. It's not like there's a list that people tick off before moving in.
The Chinese say people have 3 faces, the one the world sees, the one friends and family see and one only you see. I'd say most put personal porn preferences in the last one and not usually let other people know what the REALLY like0
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