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Partner's Internet history - Help!
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10-09-2018 11:43am#1So 2 weeks ago I moved in with my partner of 3 years, both me and my 7 year old child packed up everything and left our town and moved an hour away to live with him in his house, my child has started a new school and everything. I was nervous about the move and the risk we were taking in leaving our own lives behind but was excited at the same time.
So 1 day a week he goes out to meet his friends for soccer and goes for a pint. no problems, so while he was gone I put my child to sleep and was googling something on the tablet I bought him for Christmas and I came across a porn site in the history so I clicked into it.... it turns out he is paying for live cam girls on this particular site and it costs quite a bit, so from what I could gather, you pay the money and get tokens to give to the "performers" to do things for you on the live cam.... it also said he had plenty of tokens left and to log in again... meaning he obviously has a profile on there and is paying!! there are free cam rooms on this site as well so paying for it obviously gives you extra or something
I was and still am sick to my stomach over this... I am not a prude.. normal regular porn I have no problem with, but not this... I feel really betrayed...so I text him asking what was going on, he at first tried to say he came across it by accident... then I told him I saw his tokens and that he has a profile (there are no names or pics on the profile btw). So 20 minutes later he arrived home, said he was really sorry and that he wasn't using the camera on himself that it was just a stupid thing he's done once or twice and insisted that he only pays so he can stay in the "rooms" to watch and that they kick you out of the "show" if you don't pay... I did some research and it's all a bit grey... like there are options to do 1 to 1 cam shows which he swears he wouldn't do.. (mainly as he'd be afraid he'd get recognised or something)
He knows I am upset and he seemed very sorry and embarrassed about the whole thing... after I got over the initial shock I tried to talk it out with him as to how he views it - he said he sees it the same way as normal porn and it's nothing to him...
so why do I still feel so betrayed... the fact that he paid money to some other woman online to do things for him is killing me... I thought our sexlife was great but now I just feel self-conscious and I also feel like he's hiding things from me now.. since then I've spotted him on his phone resetting all his facebook passwords, logging himself out of all devices on everything.... as if he fears I will go snooping and find more things.. which ironically just makes me even more sure there's something going on behind my back. Also, he is going on a trip to asia with his best mate for a week next month and after this I know damn well I will just be wondering... if he can pay for that online then maybe he'd have no problem doing other things while away...
I don't know what to do. if it was just me by myself I would probably have walked out but my child has just started a new school and is settling in really well I can't just pull the child back out again. I also have to add that I really love this man he is sweet, funny, kind, great with my child etc. I just now feel so alone in a new town and I can't exactly spill this to my friends! I'd love some advice on how to get over this and move on, I wish I had never seen it!
thanks0
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It sounds like he is admitting to only as much as you've figured out. Lying about the profile until you said you knew about it is bad enough but going around changing all his passwords is suspicious. Like you I've no problem with porn but this is the next level.
Also it sounds a bit like he's still acting like a single guy. I hope you get a night a week break as well? Also he's going on holidays with is friend to Asia? What about going on holidays with you? It's a cliche but I'd be worried about him.going to.asia in particular too.
I'd be sitting down with him.face to.face not over the phone and ask him all of this straight out. You'll tell a lot from his body language.0 -
No matter what answers you get now, trust is gone and it's generally impossible to truly restore that. Instead of worrying about what he gets up to in Asia, think about using him being away as a chance to move out again.0
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Hi, OP here. Yes we have sat down and talked about it twice now, and I walked away both times feeling a little bit reassured but that lasted about an hour! It's still in the back of my head I'm not sleeping properly. I feel he's just telling me what I want to hear.
I don't want to turn into a paranoid nut who's going to be checking up on him at every turn, that's not my style.
It's still raw and it hurts like hell.0 -
It's a grey area, porn-wise. That wouldn't be my cup of tea tbh (just paying for porn alone wouldn't be nowadays!), but as a bloke I'd also fall along the lines of classifying it as watching porn, no more, no less.
From the bits I've seen it's like girls in their underwear mugging at a webcam while lads talk to them in a chat room, then they can take private dances where they'll strip off and do stuff to themselves in exchange. I'm not sure about the whole 1-to-1 thing, I'd imagine the girls wouldn't get much out of watching lads mess with themselves on camera so I doubt they'd have that be an option if that's what's bothering you. I think it's just like a private dance or whatever else and lads pay to get them to go further and do more. I'd personally see it as just another form of porn (i.e. fantasy), but you're allowed feel how you feel about it too.
As for whether it makes him more likely to cheat on you on a lads holiday in Asia? I don't know, I wouldn't see evidence of that tbh. Cheating is a big jump from watching porn. I'd say it'd be worthwhile sitting him down for an honest, and non-hostile, chat about why he was into that particular, more personal porn and gauging it from there. Be careful how you do it though: if you come in all guns blazing, he's going to go into defensive mode and tell you enough to reassure you and what you want to hear regardless. If you come at it like "Is there something you got there that you feel could be better served in our sex life?" he may feel more safe to open up and give you more frank answers. If he opens up and goes in-depth with it in a full and conscious effort to help you understand, I'd see it as a really good sign. If you give him a safe space to do so and he still remains closed up, telling you only what you need to know and what you want to hear, then I'd start giving more weight to your anxieties and you can go from there.0 -
I would echo leggo, for some its seen just the same as porn but really its up too you how you view it.
I wouldnt be into it myself (we all have our kinks) but in my eyes its no different than getting a lap dance, this woman is just doing her job and wants some cash for it and with no touching involved.
Like leggo said sit down and have a non confrontational talk and let him know how you see if and ask him what he likes about etc, let him know theres a line and you dont want him to cross it but at the same time maybe incorperate it into your life if you feel comfertable doing it i.e you can play a cam girl etc
Theres a child involved so its not so easy to just up and leave and in the grand scheme of things i personally wouldnt see it as a breaking up offense and the doubt of if he'll cheat on you while hes away, well its been 3 years of yous two together, if he was going to do it he would have done it by now and you certainly would have known, cheaters always get caught and let themselve slip.
hope this helps and if you are able to work it out maybe get yourself a tablet ;-)0 -
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Hey OP,
The whole site and his behaviour on it is perhaps a grey area but the situation you're in is very black and white.
You are either comfortable to stay in a relationship with a man who engages in and pays for pornographic services. That's the minimum he is doing.
Or you are not.
If you are not then you have to prioritise your mental health and the toxic environment remaining in this relationship will create for you both you and your child ABOVE how great the new school is.
You could always move somewhere nearby and stay with that school and not stay with him0 -
Im not quite clear on the transaction here.
Is it that he is paying women to perform pornographic acts on themselves on camera. He himself is just watching (and paying?). Is there a group of people watching or is it private to him and the girl? Is he also messaging or contacting the girl outside of watching the show? Is he visible to the girl or to anyone else? Does he request certain things or is it just a setlist of her choosing?
Is it a bit like going to a live sex show except you are watching through a screen rather than in person and you get to request certain things?
I can understand how its a step on from just "ordinary" porn but unless he is messaging or contacting the people outside of the financial transaction I wouldnt see it as cheating, just a bit seedy and naff.
However, what I think about it is irrelevant really. What matters is how you feel about it. You have made a big step to move to where he is and bring your child and get your child settled in a new school and tbh - him flippantly risking it all over a **** is not taking into consideration the changes you have made.
And now you are suspicious about the trip to SE Asia (and Im not surprised). His behaviour in changing passwords is suspicious too.
Personally I couldnt live my life questioning whether or not my partner was breaking my trust. I like myself far too much for that.
I agree with the previous poster, although it would still be disruptive, you could move out with your child but stay in the area. Can you afford that?0 -
He says he's not alone in the chat room there are loads of others and it's not 1 to 1.. but I checked out the site myself and you can do that for free so why then pay for tokens!
I didn't go at him all guns blazing but I made it clear how I feel about the whole thing. It's disrespectful and in my view is a step away from cheating. Thing is he doesn't see it this way.
I would love to get past this and move on.. it's eating me up!
On my child in the school - no, I don't think I would afford a house in the town by myself. My own town is an hour away.
I know I need to make a decision - either decide to forgive and forget about it and really drop it and give it another chance or just pack up my stuff and leave before she gets too attached to the school, new friends etc.
I would like to save the relationship as I do still love him but I think if I get even a whiff of him getting up to anything else then I'll have to bite the bullet and return home.0 -
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Men Look at women. Yes. Bad person- no.
Men are attracted to the naked ladies. Yes. Bad person- No.
Men watch porn. Yes. bad person- No.
Man watches paid porn within interaction. Bad person- No.
The reality of the situation here is that your partner engages in paid porn sites. That's a whole can of moral worms right there.
Depending on your own moral compass it is anything from harmless fun to deviant behaviour.
The concerning piece here is how you both reacted. It appears that the relationship is new enough to be concerned but serious enough to be moving in with a child involved.
The answer here is sitting down in a non adversarial non judgmental environment and having a full and open and frank discussion about pornography and his tastes and his practices and what you expect in a relationship.
If your requirements are met then fine, he puts the paid porn away for the sake of the relationship and if he breaks that trust then good luck.
However, he might also see this as his requirements. There is a lot of problems with sexual addiction and he might see this as a "need" or has normalised this as part of his life.
There is no advice here that is going to fit other than the two of you sitting down and having a full and frank adult chat about it and take it from there.
My own view is its no big deal what people view in their own private time as long as its not unlawful or abusive but that's just me.0 -
Mr. Incognito wrote: »Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Men Look at women. Yes. Bad person- no...
...My own view is its no big deal what people view in their own private time as long as its not unlawful or abusive but that's just me.
OK.
I know this sounds terrible but I would be giving the OP different advice if she didn't have a child. I would tell her to give him a chance for a few months and see how she feels about the situation after that.
However she has a child and her priority is to provide a stable environment for her child to grow up in. I don't think a partner who watches pay-per-view porn is conducive to that environment. It's more than messing around with free MILF or threesome sites. If he gets himself into debt watching pay-per-view sites would he ask the OP for money if she was still living with him?
He is living the life of a single man - watching pay-per-view pron and going on a lads holiday to Asia. I don't think he's emotionally ready for a live-in a relationship with a woman who has a child.
I would advise her into looking at her options of moving out. No school can make up for a bad home environment. The child is her priority, not finding ways to put up with her bf's immature behaviour.0 -
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If he gets himself into debt watching pay-per-view sites would he ask the OP for money if she was still living with him?
Thats a big if and op hasnt given any indications that finances are an issue,even over the 3 years, in fact she moved into his homeHe is living the life of a single man - watching pay-per-view pron and going on a lads holiday to Asia. I don't think he's emotionally ready for a live-in a relationship with a woman who has a child.
How is watching pay-per-view porn the single life? People pay for movies all the time and that doesnt make them single. Also a trip to asia, is he not entitled to have a holiday on his own with his friends? Is he never allowed one? If it comes at the expense of their relationship meaning they never go on one or do things of a similar nature then yes i would agree but op hasnt said anything to the fact and its been 3 years, a holiday away from your family every once and a while is good for the mind and body and doesnt imply hes living a single life.I would advise her into looking at her options of moving out. No school can make up for a bad home environment. The child is her priority, not finding ways to put up with her bf's immature behaviour.
I would tend to agree but from the op the home enviorment doesnt sound like it needs a dramatic move like moving out and in my opinion nothing the ops boyfriend has done is immature, he and her have made an adult decision to live together and support one another, hardly immature0 -
As an avid, erm, "researcher" of porn myself, paying the tokens for these webcams is bizarre tbh. You can literally find any porn content you want online for free. And there are plenty of live cam shows for free as well. From what I've seen, the tokens allow you to comment and tell the people on the cam what to do but jaysus what's the point? They're going to do it anyway. The fact that he's now gone so protective and changing passwords is a much bigger concern. Might as well ask him what the story is.0
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Hi all Op here thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it. Just to clarify a few things, it's not a pay-per-view site it's a live "performance" and you get to send comments and tokens to the performers to get them to do certain things, so there is a bit of interaction involved. This and the fact that he felt he had to pay to do something like this when there's a ton of free stuff available... this is what gets to me... I have no issues with porn in itself or him watching it, that really wouldn't bother me.
I guess I just don't understand what he gets out of it and why he couldn't just direct some of his preferences towards me!
I probably shouldn't have mentioned his trip, it's got nothing to do with this really.
We do and have done lots of trips and holidays together so him going on his own is not affecting that really.
I think the demon of paranoia about finding this out has spilled over into his trip. I don't want to think along those lines at all0 -
The bit I would be concerned about is the secrecy of it.
If its all ok and not something to be worried about - why hide it? OP is with him 3 years and her first inkling of this was an accidental find.
Im always walking in on my husband watching porn and vice versa. Sometimes we watch it together. We leave tablets and laptops open with porn or forums we are members of on etc... We dont hide our digital lives from each other.
But he was hiding this. Thats not a good sign.0 -
Yes, also the secrecy. It is making me wonder what else he's been hiding from me.
It also happened our first week living together which made me freak even more, I'm trying not to let my imagination run away with me but it's hard because I've left so much behind to move here including uprooting my 7 year old.
That said.. how do I stop this from festering into me convincing myself there's more going on when there might not be!0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »Just to clarify a few things, it's not a pay-per-view site it's a live "performance" and you get to send comments and tokens to the performers to get them to do certain things, so there is a bit of interaction involved. This and the fact that he felt he had to pay to do something like this when there's a ton of free stuff available... this is what gets to me... I have no issues with porn in itself or him watching it, that really wouldn't bother me.
I guess I just don't understand what he gets out of it and why he couldn't just direct some of his preferences towards me!
Porn and fantasies can be completely separate to relationship. Maybe he enjoys watching women do stuff to themselves that they're happy to but he wouldn't like his partner doing, e.g. if he's into lesbian stuff, but he may get hurt if he saw you kissing or doing stuff with another woman. I've watched and enjoyed stuff before that, if I saw my partner doing or did it with her, I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye afterwards.
Your issue now is trust, and that can be solved with one open, frank and non-confrontational conversation where you ask him the questions you're asking us. Have you had that yet since posting this thread? If you did, what was said and why did it not work? If not, do so tonight, or you're going to keep going around in the same circle chasing your tail and getting more annoyed at the lack of resolution.0 -
Ok, So the guy watches porn and buys tokens for a bit of a laugh.. Im sorry, This is all perfectly normal. Guys watch porn. We all do it. I watch MyFreecams the odd time. I dont buy tokens but I dont judge anyone who does.
So.. Porn is normal.. Lets move onto trust
You went onto HIS computer and looked at his internet history and then spent time investigating his activity on a porn site. So really, the only person here breaching trust is the OP.
So she goes confronts him and lets him know shes been snooping in his internet history! Shat does a normal guy do? He logs off everything to prevent her from snooping some more and clears autofill info, That's what he does!
so.. back to the watching porn bit. We all do it but we dont usually share the details of exactly what it is we watch or what sort of interactions we have with porn. While we all do it were generally pretty private about it.
So yea, from a guys point of view my girl just moved in, made the rookie mistake of staying logged into porn sites (incognito FTW) and got embarrassingly caught. She obviously has no respect for a dudes boundaries or privacy so best to learn our lessons and not make those mistakes again.0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »Yes, also the secrecy. It is making me wonder what else he's been hiding from me.
It also happened our first week living together which made me freak even more, I'm trying not to let my imagination run away with me
Well as the above poster said we don't usually share our pornographic habits with partners, I know i certainly don't.
Also as what was said you did go snooping and invaded his privacy so that matter does need to be addressed also. If it was the other way around and he had found say on your laptop you pay a subscription fee to something similar each month that you didn't want him to see how would you feel?
Good luck op0 -
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Hi, OP here, just to clarify, I wasn't snooping when I found it. I put the first 2 letters in the search bar for something I was googling myself and they happened to be the same letters of the start of this website.. the token thing also came up on the same line.
I'm not in the habit of checking these things, I agree snooping won't get me anywhere, I've had an ex do this to me continually and it's awful.
I just hope there's nothing more to this... like random chat rooms etc - I get it's not physically cheating but in my eyes it's a betrayal0 -
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Well as the above poster said we don't usually share our pornographic habits with partners, I know i certainly don't.
Why not?
No secrecy about it at all in my marriage, we watch together, watch separately, know what each other likes watching etc....
Nothing to make a secret of? It porn. Its masturbation. We all do it. Why would you hide it from a partner?
Thats the part I find odd about it - that it was hidden.0 -
Thats the part I find odd about it - that it was hidden.
Not everyone is as open as you.
I know a girl who split up with her boyfriend of 2 or 3 years because she caught him masturbating and said it was the same thing as cheating. Up until she told me the story I'd never in a million years have guessed she have thought that anything like that!
I wouldn't be the biggest lover of porn by any stretch, but even I've watched stuff that I'd feel the need to emigrate if my missus knew, it's just not her thing at all. Horses for courses and all that!
OP you went snooping and you found out something you didn't want to know - let that be a lesson to you. Some things are just not any of your business!
The only slight concern (too strong a word maybe) I'd have is the paying for it - there is so much stuff out there for free, I just can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would pay, I always imagine you must need to be into some seriously freaky shít to have to pay for it - but yet millions of people do, so what the hell do I know, they can't all be freaks!0 -
Newbie54321 wrote: »Hi, OP here, just to clarify, I wasn't snooping when I found it. I put the first 2 letters in the search bar for something I was googling myself and they happened to be the same letters of the start of this website.. the token thing also came up on the same line.
I'm not in the habit of checking these things, I agree snooping won't get me anywhere, I've had an ex do this to me continually and it's awful.
I just hope there's nothing more to this... like random chat rooms etc - I get it's not physically cheating but in my eyes it's a betrayal
Maybe you stumbled across it, but you then went snooping.
Snooping is snooping Newbie.
I'm not getting at you, it's very common, especially in the early stages - but it doesn't make it right, you're not entitled to know and it's never going to help build trust or any of that bollox you get here from the usual apologists!
Spying on someone and finding nothing, is not the same thing as trusting them!
It really is as simple as this - you know NOW. You're either OK with it or you aren't - only you know the answer to that one!0 -
sbsquarepants wrote: »Not everyone is as open as you.
No - but most people would be aware that their partner is watching some kind of porn even if they dont know exactly what or watch together.
For it to come as a total surprise after 3 years and be followed up by him changing passwords and trying to hide his digital life is suspicious IMO.
There is a child involved here. The OP has uprooted herself and her child to go live with this guy in a different place with a new school. Its never going to work if he is trying to hide an aspect of his life so thoroughly from his partner. If he wasnt ready to share his life then he never should have gone along with a child being moved to a new school etc to move in.0 -
No - but most people would be aware that their partner is watching some kind of porn even if they dont know exactly what or watch together.
For it to come as a total surprise after 3 years and be followed up by him changing passwords and trying to hide his digital life is suspicious IMO.
There is a child involved here. The OP has uprooted herself and her child to go live with this guy in a different place with a new school. Its never going to work if he is trying to hide an aspect of his life so thoroughly from his partner. If he wasnt ready to share his life then he never should have gone along with a child being moved to a new school etc to move in.Why not?
No secrecy about it at all in my marriage, we watch together, watch separately, know what each other likes watching etc....
Nothing to make a secret of? It porn. Its masturbation. We all do it. Why would you hide it from a partner?
Thats the part I find odd about it - that it was hidden.
Because peopels habits and fantasies are just that, my partner wouldnt have the same taste and interests in what i like to view and vice versa and there isnt anything wrong with that. Trying to involved them in an intimate thing you like that might not go well is not a good.
As an example many men watch gay or transexual porn to get off but leave it at that,have no desire to go be with a man or transexual and informing their partner might have the same result as op here.
But thats not say their sex life is bad, it could still be amazing but people are different when it comes to porn, fantasies and realities.
A persons private porn preferences are just theres and nobody really has a right to now unless that person wants them to know
And regarding the changing of password, this is a natural response to having found out someone was going through your accounts, if someone broek into your house with your key youd obviously change the locks0 -
No - but most people would be aware that their partner is watching some kind of porn even if they dont know exactly what or watch together.
For it to come as a total surprise after 3 years and be followed up by him changing passwords and trying to hide his digital life is suspicious IMO.
There is a child involved here. The OP has uprooted herself and her child to go live with this guy in a different place with a new school. Its never going to work if he is trying to hide an aspect of his life so thoroughly from his partner. If he wasnt ready to share his life then he never should have gone along with a child being moved to a new school etc to move in.
I personally don't buy into this Hollywood share your life bullshít. Some people value their privacy (I'm one of them)
I simply don't want my missus snooping around, reading my emails going through my internet history or whatever, we've been together 12 years and I've nothing to hide - but hide I do!
I'm perfectly capable of sharing what I want other people to know, and I make no apologies for not sharing everything.
You've only something to fear if you've something to hide is just the mantra of nosey parkers everywhere.0 -
...if someone broek into your house with your key youd obviously change the locks
Your partner who you live with is in no way comparable to a stranger breaking into your home and frankly, its disturbing that you would analogise them this way.
You dont share your bed or your home or your life with someone who has tried to break into your house. It is not the same thing at all.
While I take your point on people having private preferences (although I do not relate to it), the idea that you should go into lockdown because you want to hide an aspect of your digital life from your partner doesnt sit well with me.
Personally I wouldnt be arsed being in a relationship with someone if they couldnt be open with me about all aspects of their life. I would respect their privacy to look at whatever they want online, but hiding things, changing passwords, etc.. doesnt make for a very healthy relationship.
Perhaps Im coming at it from an different viewpoint, but its virtually impossible to hide your life with someone you have lived with for decades. People share tablets, phones, use each others bank cards, open each others mail by accident sometimes. If you are not open to sharing your intimate life with your life partner then youre probably not cut out for living with someone.
No point being in a relationship where you dont trust the other.0 -
sbsquarepants wrote: »I personally don't buy into this Hollywood share your life bullsh Some people value their privacy (I'm one of them)
Nothing Hollywood about it but it would take too much effort and not be worth the bother.
I never mentioned any mantra but I would personally be concerned at the mindset of someone who was so intent on hiding aspects of his life from his partner. If he goes to what much effort to hide something so ordinary, then what else might be getting hidden?
Ive little time for people who engage in viewing their partners as the enemy.
If you cant be open with your partner then its not much of a relationship IMO. Whats the point?
Edited - just to add. If you are doing something that you know would cause distress to your partner - why be with that partner? I dont stuff that would hurt my husband. I respect him and love him and wouldnt want to upset him. If there was some practice that I wanted to engage in that he couldnt accept, then we simply wouldnt be together in the first place. Lies and secrecy dont make for healthy relationships.0 -
I think the fact that he is paying for tokens that allow him to interact with and even instruct the model onscreen adds an extra dimension to things, and maybe it's this dimension that is the issue. It's probably much less usual than just watching porn.No - but most people would be aware that their partner is watching some kind of porn even if they dont know exactly what or watch together.
But for the OP, I wonder if you can narrow down exactly what the issue is.
Is it a money issue? You said the tokens cost quite a bit.
Is it an issue that he hid this from you until now? If, say, he'd been open about it at some point when you previously discussed/watched porn together or whatever, would it still have been a problem?
Or is it the fact there is an extra level of interaction, something a bit more personal about it, that is the issue?0 -
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My main concern for the OP is that there is a child involved. Her child.
Some porn does not involve just adults.
Porn is fine if it involves adults and isn't a financial drain on the household (he watches pay-per-view porn). He is also going on a lads holiday to Asia which in many cases involves visiting prostitutes.
Is the OP happy with this for herself? Fine.
Is the OP happy with this for her child? Not fine.0
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