At the in-laws..

afkasurfjunkie

Gosh I’d just be so tempted to bring a bag filled with condoms, handcuffs and sex toys next time. Just to see how it would go.

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afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Gosh I’d just be so tempted to bring a bag filled with condoms, handcuffs and sex toys next time. Just to see how it would go.

For some reason this is the first thing that occurred to me too.

Leave an enormous double dildo charging on the bedside table. Perhaps a magazine of some extreme porn left open on the bed. Even better, a crisis pregnancy pamphlet.

Its extremely rude, and I wouldnt stay somewhere that I wasnt made welcome - which is what this is, making a guest feel unwelcome and intrusive by moving their stuff around and giving them a sense of unease while they stay.

splinter65

....... wrote: »

For some reason this is the first thing that occurred to me too.

Leave an enormous double dildo charging on the bedside table. Perhaps a magazine of some extreme porn left open on the bed. Even better, a crisis pregnancy pamphlet.

Its extremely rude, and I wouldnt stay somewhere that I wasnt made welcome - which is what this is, making a guest feel unwelcome and intrusive by moving their stuff around and giving them a sense of unease while they stay.

What an absolutely awful suggestion. Only an absolute moron would do this. This is not a hotel or anywhere that the OP is paying for an overnight stay and has a right to privacy. She didn't get a court summons to appear in that house where she was obliged to attend.
I'll assume you are a teenager cos if hate to think anyone over the age of 21 would think this was good advice.

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splinter65 wrote: »

What an absolutely awful suggestion. Only an absolute moron would do this. This is not a hotel or anywhere that the OP is paying for an overnight stay and has a right to privacy. She didn't get a court summons to appear in that house where she was obliged to attend.
I'll assume you are a teenager cos if hate to think anyone over the age of 21 would think this was good advice.

I see your sense of humour made a swift departure in your eagerness to be offended and throw a few personal insults. :rolleyes:

Mind you, if it was my stuff being moved they might well find some sex toys in there and I am well out of my teens. Some of us carry such items in our belongings

The space invader can hardly complain at what she finds when she goes snooping, can she?

In fact - given such an over the top response at the mere suggestion of sex toys, pregnancy pamphlets, which was made in jest - perhaps I should make it seriously. If it can cause such a ridiculous apoplectic reaction in a mere poster to the forum, the space invader will surely explode!

So yeah - sex toys and items of a potentially embarrassing nature among your belongings. Go for it.

splinter65

....... wrote: »

I see your sense of humour made a swift departure in your eagerness to be offended and throw a few personal insults. :rolleyes:

Mind you, if it was my stuff being moved they might well find some sex toys in there and I am well out of my teens. Some of us carry such items in our belongings

The space invader can hardly complain at what she finds when she goes snooping, can she?

It's amazing how many adults think their perceived rights and entitlements trump good manners and common sense

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splinter65 wrote: »

It's amazing how many adults think their perceived rights and entitlements trump good manners and common sense

Are you suggesting the OP has no right to carry sex toys about?

splinter65

....... wrote: »

Are you suggesting the OP has no right to carry sex toys about?

Ok so say you are the OP. You've gone to the bother of packing the sex toys etc and you've left them strategically in your room and your pretty sure she's found them. So....what have you achieved?

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splinter65 wrote: »

Ok so say you are the OP. You've gone to the bother of packing the sex toys etc and you've left them strategically in your room and your pretty sure she's found them. So....what have you achieved?

A good laugh.

And hopefully a message to the woman not to be snooping.

splinter65

....... wrote: »

A good laugh.

And hopefully a message to the woman not to be snooping.

Who'll be laughing?

Neyite

OP, I'd find that invasive, and it would probably deter me from going. While it's all very well that some people might find their nosy mammy's 'cleaning' amusing, that's what they've grown up with and it's not your mammy doing it so it naturally would feel very different.

I do remember reading about a MIL who used to snoop while babysitting and her DIL had enough of it and put lots of emigration forms and literature for Australia in her underwear drawer in time for the next snoop. It was for a "friend" of course. Snoopers don't know that, though.

This sounds more of compulsive behaviour the host can't help more than a mammy opening a letter 'by mistake' though, so I'd be gentle in this case.

I think polite and factual is the way to go - via your partner though, not directly. You say to him straight that it's not the norm to poke about a guest's room or belongings and that you find it uncomfortable so you won't be going to visit any more unless it's a big family occasion. He can then mention it when he gets asked "Oh, is Redline not with you this time" or not (probably not though if the host is idolised by your partner)

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splinter65 wrote: »

Who'll be laughing?

Why?

splinter65

....... wrote: »

Why?

You mentioned it would be a good laugh. For whom though? Apart of course from yourself?

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splinter65 wrote: »

You mentioned it would be a good laugh. For whom though? Apart of course from yourself?

For anyone who wishes to laugh.

Neyite

Can we get back on topic of helping the OP with her issue, please?

splinter65

....... wrote: »

For anyone who wishes to laugh.

Just you then.

LegacyUser

I simply wouldn't go. If your partner wants you to go he'll sort out this issue. You've tried your best to be reasonable and compromise.
I really can't stand when people pander to family at the expense of their partners feelings when the family member is clearly wrong! I think it can cause a lot of problems down the line!

coffee_cake

I think it's up to your partner to set the boundaries here and you need to talk to him. I also think you should decrease the number of visits. It's a lot when you're spending nights there at a time.

How much else is he going to expect you to "go along with" just to keep the mother (assuming) happy? Why doesn't he just "go along with" what you want? You are in a relationship with him, not her, and maybe he should be reminded of it.

Something to bear in mind for the future, given the current dynamics:

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a ****.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

valoren

When you invite guests and arrange for them to stay in the guest room then it ceases to be your room and it becomes the guest's room. When there is no-one staying it's just a room after all. Basic manners of hospitality should let rational people know that. It is their room until they leave and it follows that it ought to be left alone. If someone deems it is their property and this nonsense about 'their house, their rules' then there are other properties you can stay at. It's not as if the OP has ransacked the room here and for the family member to rummage around is an invasion of privacy.

My advice is to not put up and shut up at all simply because you only stay there a handful of times a year. I'd suggest staying in a B&B or a local hotel for the duration. If challenged on it by your boyfriend say that it's for the best, that you value your privacy, that staying in another place will allow for privacy and additionally that by doing so you will also actively avoid upsetting his family member who is distraught at "the way you leave the room". It is win-win for you by doing that. You get to be independent, you get your privacy, you get to highlight their bad manners and establish that you're not some door mat they can snoop around with either. Would this mark you out as a trouble maker? Not at all. It would mark you out as someone they should have respect for more than anything.

My mother comes to stay with my wife and me every month for a weekend. She stays in the guest room. My older brother has always been annoyingly OCD when it comes to tidying up. Coasters for every thing. To spill some tea would be a declaration of war, biscuit crumbs on the table and he'd give out to you kind of thing. My mother never stays there for the weekend. She can't relax and feels that she is being watched and monitored. If she spills tea at ours, it get's cleaned up. If she get's crumbs on the floor, there's a hoover for that. She is a guest and she is to be made comfortable. You are not comfortable at your boyfriends home as you're being monitored and watched yourself. My older brother presumably likes that our mother doesn't stay over, perhaps he does what he does to enable that. Just a thought.

splinter65

My mother is 84 and has lived entirely alone for 22 years. When my youngest brother brought his partner from abroad for their yearly visit lasting only 5 nights the tension would build from the first minute, bags shoes laptops mobile phones chargers coffee mugs and no coasters coats apple peel daily showers X 2 in a pathologically tidy 2 bedroom bungalow, too much.
One year they just checked into our local hotel and yes there were tears from her at first but mostly because "what will the neighbors say" but now they have 2 small children it is simply the only way it can work.

LolaJJ

The next time you're asked to visit - suggest staying in a nearby hotel?

The person in question has already given feedback that they don't like how you are leaving the place and by repeatedly interfering with your belongings it's been made abundantly clear to you that the issue is ongoing by the recurring visits to your room. OP, You aren't the problem here.

Just say it makes you incredibly uncomfortable. I can't imagine your partner, regardless of how much he idolises this person is really going to defend them for how they have acted. It's bizarre, really!

SirChenjin

bluewolf wrote: »

I think it's up to your partner to set the boundaries here and you need to talk to him. I also think you should decrease the number of visits. It's a lot when you're spending nights there at a time.

How much else is he going to expect you to "go along with" just to keep the mother (assuming) happy? Why doesn't he just "go along with" what you want? You are in a relationship with him, not her, and maybe he should be reminded of it.

Something to bear in mind for the future, given the current dynamics:

^^ loved that piece posted by bluewolf. So true.

OP, every family I do believe has their own idiosyncrasies but, IMO, this is going beyond mere idiosyncratic behaviour. You are not being too sensitive, and a chat about boundaries with him needs to happen.

dixiefly

lulu1 wrote: »

I wouldn't want anyone going into my room if was a guest and wouldn't think of going into the room i I had guests staying at mine.

Op I would suggest to your boyfriend about about getting a key for the room door

+1

This is what I was going to suggest. Key or you reduce the visits considerably.

splinter65

dixiefly wrote: »

+1

This is what I was going to suggest. Key or you reduce the visits considerably.

If anyone staying as a guest in my house asked for a key they simply wouldn't be invited again. What on earth is the point in spending the weekend in a house where you have now created a terrible atmosphere.
If you don't like the hostess then don't accept invitations to stay.
It's not the boyfriends house. He's a grown man. Either he asks his mother to stay out of the room during your visit or you stay in a hotel/B&B and then you can pay for your privacy.

Fakediamond

splinter65 wrote: »

stay in a hotel/B&B and then you can pay for your privacy.

Except for the chambermaid/maintenance person or any other hotel employee who needs to enter your (their) room!

splinter65

Fakediamond wrote: »

Except for the chambermaid/maintenance person or any other hotel employee who needs to enter your (their) room!

That's true. Ironically the only place you can be sure of privacy is in your own home.
My home my rules. That's what this thread boils down to really.

iamwhoiam

On the complete other end of the tale here . My son and partner visit from abroad yearly . She is unbelievably untidy in the room , I mean seriously untidy . Nothing minor like the OP but clothes all over the floor and wet towels on a bed etc . Its confined to the room and never in the rest of my house . So I bite my tongue hard and shut the door because I like having them and enjoy that they stay here . I have contemplated saying something but its not worth the risk for me .

splinter65

iamwhoiam wrote: »

On the complete other end of the tale here . My son and partner visit from abroad yearly . She is unbelievably untidy in the room , I mean seriously untidy . Nothing minor like the OP but clothes all over the floor and wet towels on a bed etc . Its confined to the room and never in the rest of my house . So I bite my tongue hard and shut the door because I like having them and enjoy that they stay here . I have contemplated saying something but its not worth the risk for me .

The wet towels on the bed floor or anywhere at all is inexplicable in an adult. I admire you.

iamwhoiam

splinter65 wrote: »

The wet towels on the bed floor or anywhere at all is inexplicable in an adult. I admire you.

Yes . Funnily enough it was the one thing I adressed in a diplomatic way . Asked her nicely to hang them on the line as we had a heat wave going on !!