At the in-laws..

LegacyUser

Regular poster but going anon. With my boyfriend 18 months, mad about him, all is great relationship-wise. One thing is that even though I like his family and make a big effort with them, I'm starting to dread going to the in-laws.. for a couple of small reasons that I could get over, but the main reason is a bit of a strange one. His 'home' house is a couple of hours from where we work and live (independently of each other). So when we go down to his family's house, it's always for at least a few nights. He has a particular family-member, whom he happens to adore and idolise. That's fine - I like the person in general, but they have an obsession with the house being a certain way that's starting to affect me.

I am 25 and a working professional, I am clean but I am also practical. I like keeping my toiletries bag zipped up and sitting in the (ensuite) bathroom for ease of use. I like keeping my charger rolled up on the dresser beside the plug when not in use, for when I want to use it. I keep my handbag with my important belongings near the bedroom door so that I can grab it when on my way out somewhere. That being said, I don't leave things 'lying around' or in a mess anywhere.

It came to my attention recently from my boyfriend that this particular person was getting upset with the way I was leaving the room. I was regretful about this (although surprised), so while I knew that I hadn't been leaving the room in a pig stye, I said I'd make an effort to keep things the way that they like. Fast forward a few visits more and I've been virtually locking all of my stuff away into the wardrobe after each use, and I notice little things in the room each time I leave. For example, I once opened the bathroom window to air the room out, and when I returned 15 minutes later to close up, I noticed the window had already been closed and locked. I once was charging my phone in the room, and came back to notice it had been plugged out (wasn't fully charged). Also fairly sure I've come back to the wardrobe being open (I wouldn't leave it open).

I don't know am I being paranoid about it now but its starting to annoy me. I realise that I'm not staying in a hotel and in someone's home, and I am always extremely appreciative for being hosted, bringing gifts and helping out in the house where I can. I just feel very very uncomfortable staying in the one room where is my own space. I'm essentially living out of my case the whole time. I'm worried that someone is coming in and 'inspecting' how I'm leaving the space. Am I being too sensitive and should I get on with things with no question? Have explained to boyf but he simply pleads that I 'go along' with the way things are for the person's sake, to keep them happy.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, I'd be unhappy with someone invading my privacy in "my" room, while I'm there. Regardless of it being their house, manners would dictate that you don't go into a guests room and start moving things around. I would start being unavailable for such visits. I'd also question how much interference and influence this person will expect to have in your lives if you continue to go out together, and I think you need to start setting your own boundaries. You might not be able to do that in their house. But you can not visit, or agree to visit for a day or two and stay in a hotel locally. He probably won't agree with that but then you can decide if you want to visit or not. It's not compulsory!

Often being polite so as not to hurt someone else's feelings (continually) leads to that person taking liberties and resentment building.

leggo

Yeah this would bother me. It's their house and you're a guest so there's not much you can say, but also it is your stuff so they've no right to touch or interfere with it. I'd just stop going down to be honest, it's the only move you have. Plenty of people have tricky relationships with their in-laws and manage. It's really on your boyfriend to have your back and he's not doing that so what else can you do?

Don't be aggro about it, just say you don't like having your stuff interfered with and it makes you uncomfortable so you'd rather not go if it's going to be an issue, but you'd be happy to spend time with his family in a neutral venue. That puts it back where it should be, on your boyfriend. If he's unhappy with that and wants different results and for you to continue to stay then he can defend your position to his family.

bee06

I’d be very uncomfortable with someone going into my room even if I was a guest as well. I certainly wouldn’t do it in my house. Doesn’t matter how the room is when they are staying there as long as it’s tidy when they leave.

Addle

I have the exact same issue!
Brought it up with my OH and he started doing it so that he'd be in my bad books rather than his relative! Go figure...
I wish I'd never brought it up.

zapper55

I'd be worried about what you'd be expected to go along with in the future to keep this person happy. His mother I presume? It's very very intrusive and I wouldn't be surprised if they have a nose through your things while they are in the room.

It doesnt say much about him that he's acting so cowardly. If it was my mother I'd say please don't go into the room while we are staying. I'd be annoyed at the behaviour not trying to appease her. Very unattractive trait.

I really hope the long term plan isn't to move close to his family home. Your life will never be your own.

Dial Hard

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

I had something similar with an ex's mother so after two visits I just stopped going with him. Easier for everyone.

Addle

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

This.
If my OH is home for the weekend, I might just join them for Sunday dinner.
Only stay over now if there's an occasion/party.

Loveinapril

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

.

Absolutely. OP, you are together 18 months and don't even live together. They are not your in- laws yet! It sounds like such a hassle. If he wants to allow that dynamic, let him, but it's not yours to manage. Just don't go!

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

I had something similar with an ex's mother so after two visits I just stopped going with him. Easier for everyone.

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

messy tessy

RedLine188 wrote: »

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

Considering they aren't your in laws I wouldn't worry about coming across like you are avoiding them.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you want to be seen to be avoiding them? Incase you offend them? I don't see them being too worried about offending you when you're there!

Fakediamond

I’m going to take a different view here and speculate that his mother (?) probably has ocd and just can’t stop herself. It’s an extreme way of managing anxiety. That being said, the points are still valid that her problem shouldn’t be your problem. As she’s probably not gong to change without therapeutic intervention, the only option is for you to stay away. Alternatively, it might help you to be able to view it as a mental health issue, rather than her just being generally nosey or judgemental about your standard of housekeeping!

lulu1

I wouldn't want anyone going into my room if was a guest and wouldn't think of going into the room i I had guests staying at mine.

Op I would suggest to your boyfriend about about getting a key for the room door

Wheety

I don't care how much your boyfriend idolises his Mother he should be telling her not to invade your privacy when you stay over.

Big Bag of Chips

I think suggesting anything to the boyfriend is going to be a lost cause, as he seems to want to keep the peace, and will do whatever it takes to keep this person happy. It might be something you want to explore a bit further, OP, because if you see a future for the two of you, you need to know if his adoration of this person is going to cause problems for you two as a couple.

leggo

RedLine188 wrote: »

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

I wouldn't be worried about this. If you go with the neutral venue idea I suggested for example, that's totally avoided, your bf can make up an excuse like work or whatever about how it's inconvenient for you to stay and it'll keep the peace while you still see them. Why not invite them down for Sunday dinner or the like sometime?

But truth be told they'll probably be happier to have him stay without you, that's what's most normal to them and least disruptive. Not to mention if they are OCD and it bothers them when you do certain things, it'll probably be a relief to the person moving your stuff. A lot of in-laws would bite the hand off you if you offered them the chance to not have to open up their home for a few days to partners of children!

Arrival

I would never stay in that house again, that is absolutely ridiculously intrusive and ignorant behaviour and I have to say your partner has absolutely no backbone if they're not on your side on this. In my family home I hated when any of my parents went into my room, let alone changed things around, and if I had a guest staying in my room, especially a partner, and I found out this was happening there'd be war. Just as you say, you are a guest in their house and are appreciative of that but 'your' room is your own personal space during your stay and that personal space must be respected and only a **** host would intrude in such a way.

A stern warning to your partner that if this continues then you'll no longer be staying overnight might be necessary if you're actually prepared to follow through and not stay overnight again.

Addle

What will happen OP when you move in together and his family visit?

splinter65

Don't go down anymore for an overnight. Just tell him that you enjoyed every other aspect of visiting his family and you tried your hardest to be tidy but it's ruined by these "room inspections".
Leave it at that . Don't get into an argument about it. He has to deal with it it's his family member.
It's not a big deal as your not engaged or even living together.

suicide_circus

Honestly OP that's unhinged behaviour from the family member. Obsessive and controlling with a lack of boundaries. You're probably not gonna be able to change that person though. if it was me, I wouldn't be visiting that house to often as you are not being respected as a guest.

splinter65

suicide_circus wrote: »

Honestly OP that's unhinged behaviour from the family member. Obsessive and controlling with a lack of boundaries. You're probably not gonna be able to change that person though. if it was me, I wouldn't be visiting that house to often as you are not being respected as a guest.

There's no need for the person to change. It's her home. The OP as a guest doesn't have a right to tell this woman what she can and can't do in her own home.
She can decline the invitation to visit. That's all. It's not an inconvenience to her not to go.

suicide_circus

I don't think I suggested she attempt to change this person? agreed, it's their house and it's their right to be a weird and inappropriate host just as it's the OP's right not to visit.

GingerLily

splinter65 wrote: »

There's no need for the person to change. It's her home. The OP as a guest doesn't have a right to tell this woman what she can and can't do in her own home.
She can decline the invitation to visit. That's all. It's not an inconvenience to her not to go.

That's not right, a certain level of privacy should be respected when a guest stays over.

Closing windows seems reasonable - the host might have a good reason. But guests belongings should stay where they are in their bedrooms/bathrooms untouched and uninspected.

Its just basic manners.

splinter65

Of course a hostess shouldn't touch a guests property etc. But it's not the hostess who's here looking for guidance. The OP is perfectly justified in telling her boyfriend that she's not going to weekend in his home place anymore.
I wouldn't go either.
It's then for the boyfriend to take that up with his family member, or not, that's his choice.
What I wouldn't recommend is the OP confronting the family member herself.
No way.
That would be entirely inappropriate.

forgodssake

I wouldn't dream of going into one of the rooms in my house if a guest was staying in it . Proper out of order I think if you do. It's the mother's house fair enough but come on , allow people privacy and to feel welcome . Going into a room an adjusting things while the guest is still with you screams OCD to me .

woodchuck

It's not a big deal as your not engaged or even living together.

They are together 18 months though, so presumably this isn't just a fling and there is the potential for things getting more serious in the future. So issues like this shouldn't be overlooked at this stage of the relationship, because it will become a bigger issue down the line.

I wouldn't take it personally OP, it sounds like the mother* might have a touch of OCD which is making her do these things. I agree it is very intrusive though. I wouldn't confront the mother directly, but could you have a word with your boyfriend about how this is making you feel? If the mother is doing the same thing with his belongings, I would've thought he wouldn't be too happy either. But maybe it's just what he's used to...

*if it is the mother we're talking about

forgodssake

woodchuck wrote:

*if it is the mother we're talking about

I just presumed it was the mother ha !

only because I've had similar experience to this , unfortunately I had to go visit and stay because of the kids , I never said anything and it never got any better . Looking back I'm glad I didn't say it straight out as it probably would have caused a rift , but I used to drop hints like ' did someone move my bag I was sure I left it on the bed ' because she would have it 'tidied' two mins after we'd arrived .
some people can't let go of their habits and sometimes for a quiet life it's easier to just let it be !. At least your not moving into the house OP !

GingerLily

splinter65 wrote: »

What I wouldn't recommend is the OP confronting the family member herself.
No way.
That would be entirely inappropriate.

I agree the OP needs to tell her boyfriend that it's not on and not confront his family

sbsquarepants

OP - it's very annoying, i'll give you that, but the fact is it's not a hotel you're in, it's someone else's house and basically they can do whatever the hell they want.

The choice you have to make is to stay or not to stay, that's it. Confronting his mother (presumably) about how she behaves in her own home is a stupid idea, no good can come of that!

Personally, I'd be inclined to just put up and shut up, it's not like you live there, surely you can just suck it up for a couple of days in a year for the sake of a quite life?

I actually know a bloke who had to move out of his family home, because his mother just wouldn't stop "cleaning" aka snooping around, his room no matter how much he asked, he locked the door - she got a duplicate key and in she went to "clean". There's just no stopping people like that, it's not an argument you can win. (Now he was also 28 / 29 at the time so possibly should have been long gone anyway, but that's a different argument!)

witchgirl26

OP honestly if it's only 4-5 times a year for a weekend, I'd just row in and get on with how things are. It's not like you're there every weekend. Is it annoying - course! It's not like you're being messy or leaving things around but the family member involved has a certain way of doing things and keeping things and seems to have problems with this not being kept to.

If it was a case that you were staying more often then yeah I'd have a quiet word with your OH about it but realistically what is he going to be able to do?