At the in-laws..

LegacyUser · 26-08-2018 1:44pm #1

Regular poster but going anon. With my boyfriend 18 months, mad about him, all is great relationship-wise. One thing is that even though I like his family and make a big effort with them, I'm starting to dread going to the in-laws.. for a couple of small reasons that I could get over, but the main reason is a bit of a strange one. His 'home' house is a couple of hours from where we work and live (independently of each other). So when we go down to his family's house, it's always for at least a few nights. He has a particular family-member, whom he happens to adore and idolise. That's fine - I like the person in general, but they have an obsession with the house being a certain way that's starting to affect me.

I am 25 and a working professional, I am clean but I am also practical. I like keeping my toiletries bag zipped up and sitting in the (ensuite) bathroom for ease of use. I like keeping my charger rolled up on the dresser beside the plug when not in use, for when I want to use it. I keep my handbag with my important belongings near the bedroom door so that I can grab it when on my way out somewhere. That being said, I don't leave things 'lying around' or in a mess anywhere.

It came to my attention recently from my boyfriend that this particular person was getting upset with the way I was leaving the room. I was regretful about this (although surprised), so while I knew that I hadn't been leaving the room in a pig stye, I said I'd make an effort to keep things the way that they like. Fast forward a few visits more and I've been virtually locking all of my stuff away into the wardrobe after each use, and I notice little things in the room each time I leave. For example, I once opened the bathroom window to air the room out, and when I returned 15 minutes later to close up, I noticed the window had already been closed and locked. I once was charging my phone in the room, and came back to notice it had been plugged out (wasn't fully charged). Also fairly sure I've come back to the wardrobe being open (I wouldn't leave it open).

I don't know am I being paranoid about it now but its starting to annoy me. I realise that I'm not staying in a hotel and in someone's home, and I am always extremely appreciative for being hosted, bringing gifts and helping out in the house where I can. I just feel very very uncomfortable staying in the one room where is my own space. I'm essentially living out of my case the whole time. I'm worried that someone is coming in and 'inspecting' how I'm leaving the space. Am I being too sensitive and should I get on with things with no question? Have explained to boyf but he simply pleads that I 'go along' with the way things are for the person's sake, to keep them happy.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-08-2018 2:10pm

To be honest, I'd be unhappy with someone invading my privacy in "my" room, while I'm there. Regardless of it being their house, manners would dictate that you don't go into a guests room and start moving things around. I would start being unavailable for such visits. I'd also question how much interference and influence this person will expect to have in your lives if you continue to go out together, and I think you need to start setting your own boundaries. You might not be able to do that in their house. But you can not visit, or agree to visit for a day or two and stay in a hotel locally. He probably won't agree with that but then you can decide if you want to visit or not. It's not compulsory!

Often being polite so as not to hurt someone else's feelings (continually) leads to that person taking liberties and resentment building.

leggo · 26-08-2018 2:26pm

Yeah this would bother me. It's their house and you're a guest so there's not much you can say, but also it is your stuff so they've no right to touch or interfere with it. I'd just stop going down to be honest, it's the only move you have. Plenty of people have tricky relationships with their in-laws and manage. It's really on your boyfriend to have your back and he's not doing that so what else can you do?

Don't be aggro about it, just say you don't like having your stuff interfered with and it makes you uncomfortable so you'd rather not go if it's going to be an issue, but you'd be happy to spend time with his family in a neutral venue. That puts it back where it should be, on your boyfriend. If he's unhappy with that and wants different results and for you to continue to stay then he can defend your position to his family.

bee06 · 26-08-2018 2:31pm

I’d be very uncomfortable with someone going into my room even if I was a guest as well. I certainly wouldn’t do it in my house. Doesn’t matter how the room is when they are staying there as long as it’s tidy when they leave.

Addle · 26-08-2018 2:32pm

I have the exact same issue!
Brought it up with my OH and he started doing it so that he'd be in my bad books rather than his relative! Go figure...
I wish I'd never brought it up.

zapper55 · 26-08-2018 3:07pm

I'd be worried about what you'd be expected to go along with in the future to keep this person happy. His mother I presume? It's very very intrusive and I wouldn't be surprised if they have a nose through your things while they are in the room.

It doesnt say much about him that he's acting so cowardly. If it was my mother I'd say please don't go into the room while we are staying. I'd be annoyed at the behaviour not trying to appease her. Very unattractive trait.

I really hope the long term plan isn't to move close to his family home. Your life will never be your own.

Dial Hard · 26-08-2018 3:38pm

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

I had something similar with an ex's mother so after two visits I just stopped going with him. Easier for everyone.

Addle · 26-08-2018 3:40pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

This.
If my OH is home for the weekend, I might just join them for Sunday dinner.
Only stay over now if there's an occasion/party.

Loveinapril · 26-08-2018 3:50pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

.

Absolutely. OP, you are together 18 months and don't even live together. They are not your in- laws yet! It sounds like such a hassle. If he wants to allow that dynamic, let him, but it's not yours to manage. Just don't go!

LegacyUser · 26-08-2018 3:57pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Stupid question perhaps, but why do you need to go with him every time he visits???

I had something similar with an ex's mother so after two visits I just stopped going with him. Easier for everyone.

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

messy tessy · 26-08-2018 9:28pm

RedLine188 wrote: »

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

Considering they aren't your in laws I wouldn't worry about coming across like you are avoiding them.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-08-2018 9:36pm

Why don't you want to be seen to be avoiding them? Incase you offend them? I don't see them being too worried about offending you when you're there!

Fakediamond · 26-08-2018 10:13pm

I’m going to take a different view here and speculate that his mother (?) probably has ocd and just can’t stop herself. It’s an extreme way of managing anxiety. That being said, the points are still valid that her problem shouldn’t be your problem. As she’s probably not gong to change without therapeutic intervention, the only option is for you to stay away. Alternatively, it might help you to be able to view it as a mental health issue, rather than her just being generally nosey or judgemental about your standard of housekeeping!

lulu1 · 26-08-2018 11:13pm

I wouldn't want anyone going into my room if was a guest and wouldn't think of going into the room i I had guests staying at mine.

Op I would suggest to your boyfriend about about getting a key for the room door

Wheety · 26-08-2018 11:20pm

I don't care how much your boyfriend idolises his Mother he should be telling her not to invade your privacy when you stay over.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-08-2018 11:28pm

I think suggesting anything to the boyfriend is going to be a lost cause, as he seems to want to keep the peace, and will do whatever it takes to keep this person happy. It might be something you want to explore a bit further, OP, because if you see a future for the two of you, you need to know if his adoration of this person is going to cause problems for you two as a couple.

leggo · 27-08-2018 12:09am

RedLine188 wrote: »

I don't go every time. He goes home every two/three weekends, I join him 4-5 times a year. I would like to reduce the visits if possible tbh but I also don't want to be seen as avoiding the family.

I wouldn't be worried about this. If you go with the neutral venue idea I suggested for example, that's totally avoided, your bf can make up an excuse like work or whatever about how it's inconvenient for you to stay and it'll keep the peace while you still see them. Why not invite them down for Sunday dinner or the like sometime?

But truth be told they'll probably be happier to have him stay without you, that's what's most normal to them and least disruptive. Not to mention if they are OCD and it bothers them when you do certain things, it'll probably be a relief to the person moving your stuff. A lot of in-laws would bite the hand off you if you offered them the chance to not have to open up their home for a few days to partners of children!

Arrival · 28-08-2018 12:57am

I would never stay in that house again, that is absolutely ridiculously intrusive and ignorant behaviour and I have to say your partner has absolutely no backbone if they're not on your side on this. In my family home I hated when any of my parents went into my room, let alone changed things around, and if I had a guest staying in my room, especially a partner, and I found out this was happening there'd be war. Just as you say, you are a guest in their house and are appreciative of that but 'your' room is your own personal space during your stay and that personal space must be respected and only a **** host would intrude in such a way.

A stern warning to your partner that if this continues then you'll no longer be staying overnight might be necessary if you're actually prepared to follow through and not stay overnight again.

Addle · 28-08-2018 5:23am

What will happen OP when you move in together and his family visit?

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 5:39am

Don't go down anymore for an overnight. Just tell him that you enjoyed every other aspect of visiting his family and you tried your hardest to be tidy but it's ruined by these "room inspections".
Leave it at that . Don't get into an argument about it. He has to deal with it it's his family member.
It's not a big deal as your not engaged or even living together.

suicide_circus · 28-08-2018 5:47am

Honestly OP that's unhinged behaviour from the family member. Obsessive and controlling with a lack of boundaries. You're probably not gonna be able to change that person though. if it was me, I wouldn't be visiting that house to often as you are not being respected as a guest.

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 6:42am

suicide_circus wrote: »

Honestly OP that's unhinged behaviour from the family member. Obsessive and controlling with a lack of boundaries. You're probably not gonna be able to change that person though. if it was me, I wouldn't be visiting that house to often as you are not being respected as a guest.

There's no need for the person to change. It's her home. The OP as a guest doesn't have a right to tell this woman what she can and can't do in her own home.
She can decline the invitation to visit. That's all. It's not an inconvenience to her not to go.

suicide_circus · 28-08-2018 6:46am

I don't think I suggested she attempt to change this person? agreed, it's their house and it's their right to be a weird and inappropriate host just as it's the OP's right not to visit.

GingerLily · 28-08-2018 6:48am

splinter65 wrote: »

There's no need for the person to change. It's her home. The OP as a guest doesn't have a right to tell this woman what she can and can't do in her own home.
She can decline the invitation to visit. That's all. It's not an inconvenience to her not to go.

That's not right, a certain level of privacy should be respected when a guest stays over.

Closing windows seems reasonable - the host might have a good reason. But guests belongings should stay where they are in their bedrooms/bathrooms untouched and uninspected.

Its just basic manners.

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 8:31am

Of course a hostess shouldn't touch a guests property etc. But it's not the hostess who's here looking for guidance. The OP is perfectly justified in telling her boyfriend that she's not going to weekend in his home place anymore.
I wouldn't go either.
It's then for the boyfriend to take that up with his family member, or not, that's his choice.
What I wouldn't recommend is the OP confronting the family member herself.
No way.
That would be entirely inappropriate.

forgodssake · 28-08-2018 8:38am

I wouldn't dream of going into one of the rooms in my house if a guest was staying in it . Proper out of order I think if you do. It's the mother's house fair enough but come on , allow people privacy and to feel welcome . Going into a room an adjusting things while the guest is still with you screams OCD to me .

woodchuck · 28-08-2018 8:38am

It's not a big deal as your not engaged or even living together.

They are together 18 months though, so presumably this isn't just a fling and there is the potential for things getting more serious in the future. So issues like this shouldn't be overlooked at this stage of the relationship, because it will become a bigger issue down the line.

I wouldn't take it personally OP, it sounds like the mother* might have a touch of OCD which is making her do these things. I agree it is very intrusive though. I wouldn't confront the mother directly, but could you have a word with your boyfriend about how this is making you feel? If the mother is doing the same thing with his belongings, I would've thought he wouldn't be too happy either. But maybe it's just what he's used to...

*if it is the mother we're talking about

forgodssake · 28-08-2018 8:45am

woodchuck wrote:

*if it is the mother we're talking about

I just presumed it was the mother ha !

only because I've had similar experience to this , unfortunately I had to go visit and stay because of the kids , I never said anything and it never got any better . Looking back I'm glad I didn't say it straight out as it probably would have caused a rift , but I used to drop hints like ' did someone move my bag I was sure I left it on the bed ' because she would have it 'tidied' two mins after we'd arrived .
some people can't let go of their habits and sometimes for a quiet life it's easier to just let it be !. At least your not moving into the house OP !

GingerLily · 28-08-2018 9:08am

splinter65 wrote: »

What I wouldn't recommend is the OP confronting the family member herself.
No way.
That would be entirely inappropriate.

I agree the OP needs to tell her boyfriend that it's not on and not confront his family

sbsquarepants · 28-08-2018 9:19am

OP - it's very annoying, i'll give you that, but the fact is it's not a hotel you're in, it's someone else's house and basically they can do whatever the hell they want.

The choice you have to make is to stay or not to stay, that's it. Confronting his mother (presumably) about how she behaves in her own home is a stupid idea, no good can come of that!

Personally, I'd be inclined to just put up and shut up, it's not like you live there, surely you can just suck it up for a couple of days in a year for the sake of a quite life?

I actually know a bloke who had to move out of his family home, because his mother just wouldn't stop "cleaning" aka snooping around, his room no matter how much he asked, he locked the door - she got a duplicate key and in she went to "clean". There's just no stopping people like that, it's not an argument you can win. (Now he was also 28 / 29 at the time so possibly should have been long gone anyway, but that's a different argument!)

witchgirl26 · 28-08-2018 9:35am

OP honestly if it's only 4-5 times a year for a weekend, I'd just row in and get on with how things are. It's not like you're there every weekend. Is it annoying - course! It's not like you're being messy or leaving things around but the family member involved has a certain way of doing things and keeping things and seems to have problems with this not being kept to.

If it was a case that you were staying more often then yeah I'd have a quiet word with your OH about it but realistically what is he going to be able to do?

afkasurfjunkie · 28-08-2018 10:21am

Gosh I’d just be so tempted to bring a bag filled with condoms, handcuffs and sex toys next time. Just to see how it would go.

....... · 28-08-2018 11:13am

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Gosh I’d just be so tempted to bring a bag filled with condoms, handcuffs and sex toys next time. Just to see how it would go.

For some reason this is the first thing that occurred to me too.

Leave an enormous double dildo charging on the bedside table. Perhaps a magazine of some extreme porn left open on the bed. Even better, a crisis pregnancy pamphlet.

Its extremely rude, and I wouldnt stay somewhere that I wasnt made welcome - which is what this is, making a guest feel unwelcome and intrusive by moving their stuff around and giving them a sense of unease while they stay.

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 11:33am

....... wrote: »

For some reason this is the first thing that occurred to me too.

Leave an enormous double dildo charging on the bedside table. Perhaps a magazine of some extreme porn left open on the bed. Even better, a crisis pregnancy pamphlet.

Its extremely rude, and I wouldnt stay somewhere that I wasnt made welcome - which is what this is, making a guest feel unwelcome and intrusive by moving their stuff around and giving them a sense of unease while they stay.

What an absolutely awful suggestion. Only an absolute moron would do this. This is not a hotel or anywhere that the OP is paying for an overnight stay and has a right to privacy. She didn't get a court summons to appear in that house where she was obliged to attend.
I'll assume you are a teenager cos if hate to think anyone over the age of 21 would think this was good advice.

....... · 28-08-2018 11:39am

splinter65 wrote: »

What an absolutely awful suggestion. Only an absolute moron would do this. This is not a hotel or anywhere that the OP is paying for an overnight stay and has a right to privacy. She didn't get a court summons to appear in that house where she was obliged to attend.
I'll assume you are a teenager cos if hate to think anyone over the age of 21 would think this was good advice.

I see your sense of humour made a swift departure in your eagerness to be offended and throw a few personal insults. :rolleyes:

Mind you, if it was my stuff being moved they might well find some sex toys in there and I am well out of my teens. Some of us carry such items in our belongings

The space invader can hardly complain at what she finds when she goes snooping, can she?

In fact - given such an over the top response at the mere suggestion of sex toys, pregnancy pamphlets, which was made in jest - perhaps I should make it seriously. If it can cause such a ridiculous apoplectic reaction in a mere poster to the forum, the space invader will surely explode!

So yeah - sex toys and items of a potentially embarrassing nature among your belongings. Go for it.

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 11:54am

....... wrote: »

I see your sense of humour made a swift departure in your eagerness to be offended and throw a few personal insults. :rolleyes:

Mind you, if it was my stuff being moved they might well find some sex toys in there and I am well out of my teens. Some of us carry such items in our belongings

The space invader can hardly complain at what she finds when she goes snooping, can she?

It's amazing how many adults think their perceived rights and entitlements trump good manners and common sense

....... · 28-08-2018 11:55am

splinter65 wrote: »

It's amazing how many adults think their perceived rights and entitlements trump good manners and common sense

Are you suggesting the OP has no right to carry sex toys about?

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 1:24pm

....... wrote: »

Are you suggesting the OP has no right to carry sex toys about?

Ok so say you are the OP. You've gone to the bother of packing the sex toys etc and you've left them strategically in your room and your pretty sure she's found them. So....what have you achieved?

....... · 28-08-2018 1:31pm

splinter65 wrote: »

Ok so say you are the OP. You've gone to the bother of packing the sex toys etc and you've left them strategically in your room and your pretty sure she's found them. So....what have you achieved?

A good laugh.

And hopefully a message to the woman not to be snooping.

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 1:36pm

....... wrote: »

A good laugh.

And hopefully a message to the woman not to be snooping.

Who'll be laughing?

Neyite · 28-08-2018 1:36pm

OP, I'd find that invasive, and it would probably deter me from going. While it's all very well that some people might find their nosy mammy's 'cleaning' amusing, that's what they've grown up with and it's not your mammy doing it so it naturally would feel very different.

I do remember reading about a MIL who used to snoop while babysitting and her DIL had enough of it and put lots of emigration forms and literature for Australia in her underwear drawer in time for the next snoop. It was for a "friend" of course. Snoopers don't know that, though.

This sounds more of compulsive behaviour the host can't help more than a mammy opening a letter 'by mistake' though, so I'd be gentle in this case.

I think polite and factual is the way to go - via your partner though, not directly. You say to him straight that it's not the norm to poke about a guest's room or belongings and that you find it uncomfortable so you won't be going to visit any more unless it's a big family occasion. He can then mention it when he gets asked "Oh, is Redline not with you this time" or not (probably not though if the host is idolised by your partner)

....... · 28-08-2018 1:39pm

splinter65 wrote: »

Who'll be laughing?

Why?

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 1:42pm

....... wrote: »

Why?

You mentioned it would be a good laugh. For whom though? Apart of course from yourself?

....... · 28-08-2018 1:43pm

splinter65 wrote: »

You mentioned it would be a good laugh. For whom though? Apart of course from yourself?

For anyone who wishes to laugh.

Neyite · 28-08-2018 1:45pm

Can we get back on topic of helping the OP with her issue, please?

splinter65 · 28-08-2018 1:57pm

....... wrote: »

For anyone who wishes to laugh.

Just you then.

LegacyUser · 28-08-2018 6:18pm

I simply wouldn't go. If your partner wants you to go he'll sort out this issue. You've tried your best to be reasonable and compromise.
I really can't stand when people pander to family at the expense of their partners feelings when the family member is clearly wrong! I think it can cause a lot of problems down the line!

29-08-2018 10:35am

I think it's up to your partner to set the boundaries here and you need to talk to him. I also think you should decrease the number of visits. It's a lot when you're spending nights there at a time.

How much else is he going to expect you to "go along with" just to keep the mother (assuming) happy? Why doesn't he just "go along with" what you want? You are in a relationship with him, not her, and maybe he should be reminded of it.

Something to bear in mind for the future, given the current dynamics:

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a ****.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

valoren · 29-08-2018 10:48am

When you invite guests and arrange for them to stay in the guest room then it ceases to be your room and it becomes the guest's room. When there is no-one staying it's just a room after all. Basic manners of hospitality should let rational people know that. It is their room until they leave and it follows that it ought to be left alone. If someone deems it is their property and this nonsense about 'their house, their rules' then there are other properties you can stay at. It's not as if the OP has ransacked the room here and for the family member to rummage around is an invasion of privacy.

My advice is to not put up and shut up at all simply because you only stay there a handful of times a year. I'd suggest staying in a B&B or a local hotel for the duration. If challenged on it by your boyfriend say that it's for the best, that you value your privacy, that staying in another place will allow for privacy and additionally that by doing so you will also actively avoid upsetting his family member who is distraught at "the way you leave the room". It is win-win for you by doing that. You get to be independent, you get your privacy, you get to highlight their bad manners and establish that you're not some door mat they can snoop around with either. Would this mark you out as a trouble maker? Not at all. It would mark you out as someone they should have respect for more than anything.

My mother comes to stay with my wife and me every month for a weekend. She stays in the guest room. My older brother has always been annoyingly OCD when it comes to tidying up. Coasters for every thing. To spill some tea would be a declaration of war, biscuit crumbs on the table and he'd give out to you kind of thing. My mother never stays there for the weekend. She can't relax and feels that she is being watched and monitored. If she spills tea at ours, it get's cleaned up. If she get's crumbs on the floor, there's a hoover for that. She is a guest and she is to be made comfortable. You are not comfortable at your boyfriends home as you're being monitored and watched yourself. My older brother presumably likes that our mother doesn't stay over, perhaps he does what he does to enable that. Just a thought.

splinter65 · 29-08-2018 10:58am

My mother is 84 and has lived entirely alone for 22 years. When my youngest brother brought his partner from abroad for their yearly visit lasting only 5 nights the tension would build from the first minute, bags shoes laptops mobile phones chargers coffee mugs and no coasters coats apple peel daily showers X 2 in a pathologically tidy 2 bedroom bungalow, too much.
One year they just checked into our local hotel and yes there were tears from her at first but mostly because "what will the neighbors say" but now they have 2 small children it is simply the only way it can work.

LolaJJ · 29-08-2018 2:51pm

The next time you're asked to visit - suggest staying in a nearby hotel?

The person in question has already given feedback that they don't like how you are leaving the place and by repeatedly interfering with your belongings it's been made abundantly clear to you that the issue is ongoing by the recurring visits to your room. OP, You aren't the problem here.

Just say it makes you incredibly uncomfortable. I can't imagine your partner, regardless of how much he idolises this person is really going to defend them for how they have acted. It's bizarre, really!

At the in-laws..

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