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Child Item

Neice univited me to her Hen

mindlet

In January last year. I decided to go to my neices Hen as I found out some of my other sister in laws were going and I was offered a lift.I was originally invited but changed mind 3.months beforehand as i found out some of my sistersinlaw were going. I contacted the bride's maids via email and Facebook and they both ignored my emails,so I asked my mother what should I do and she said to text neice and ask for bride's maid's contact number. So it sounded like sound advice so I texted neice and I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised. The Hen was not intil April and I was only going one night. After this I decided that there was little point in going to the wedding so I didn't. I wasn't going to be two faced. Now just over a year after the wedding she gave birth and organised a family gathering to see her new child and I wasn't invited. Another stab through my heart. I always love my family but this hurts like hell. I still have not received an apology and probably never will. Not sure what to do. Advice needed.

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elbyrneo

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

Yes because up to the point of her niece not inviting her, time had not begun, history had not started, and everything was right in the world.

Or, perhaps, there was a reason the niece did not invite the OP?

Impressive how you can be so sure from the single OP post that the niece was in the wrong.

bee06

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

That’s not the way things work. People decide who they want to go to their hen, wedding, birthday party or whatever and that’s it. Anyone not invited should have enough cop on to accept it.

GingerLily

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

Its not a 5 year old birthday party, you don't have to invite everyone.

It's meant to be an intimate party for the bride to be, perfectly understandable that she doesn't invite everyone.

woodchuck

bee06 wrote: »

That’s not the way things work. People decide who they want to go to their hen, wedding, birthday party or whatever and that’s it. Anyone not invited should have enough cop on to accept it.

I agree. However, it doesn't sound like the OP was familiar with the modern etiquette surrounding hen parties. I think it's perfectly forgivable that she would express an interest? She said:

I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised.

Surely her niece could've been a bit more sensitive, explaining the situation a bit better?

This is going purely on what the OP has said of course. We have no idea what their relationship was like up to that point.

bee06

woodchuck wrote: »

Surely her niece could've been a bit more sensitive, explaining the situation a bit better?

This is going purely on what the OP has said of course. We have no idea what their relationship was like up to that point.

Playing devils advocate, just because the OP found the text upsetting doesn’t mean it was the intention to upset.

Without further clarification from the OP all we can do is speculate.

OP, just to pick up on one point you made though. You said the hen was in April and you text in January and were only going for one night implying you were in loads of time and it should be no big deal. I had my hen in April and everything was organised in January. People have lives, need notice, there’s money to be saved and collected etc. These things don’t just happen in a couple of weeks. Every hen I’ve gone to has been organised months in advance.

smelly sock

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

Neyite

I'm afraid you caused this.

You (incorrectly) heard through the grapevine other aunts were going to the Hen, invited yourself and got offended when you were told you were not included - to the point where you snubbed the wedding and the entire pregnancy and the birth of your new grand-niece/nephew.

However, they seem happy enough to let you off to flounce in indignation - have you been involved in previous arguments or family dramas?

It's clear they aren't going to come grovelling back to apologise to you like you hoped. What would you like to happen now? Do you want to be included in future family gatherings? If so, you need to apologise to them, acknowledge that you were in the wrong, and mean it.

Idle Passerby

smelly sock wrote: »

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

It wasn't the niece that texted her, it was the bridesmaid.

There's an astonishing amount of planning that goes into a hen party. Its not easy to coordinate a group of people for several pre-planned activities especially when hotels, restaurants, activity providers are all asking "what are the final numbers and when will I get paid?" People dithering about whether or not they'll go is a huge headache, never mind people inviting themselves along.

We don't know how the BM worded her text, it may have been reasonable it may have been rude, the OP doesn't quote what she said. I wouldn't see it as unreasonable for the BM to say something like "Sorry you aren't on the list of people the bride wanted invited"

Edit: I see her emails to the briesmaid's were ignored so the text was from the niece. Either way, it appears the OP was never actually invited and then sent repeated messages asking to be included which seems fairly pushy.

strandroad

smelly sock wrote: »

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

There is no requirement to include all relatives in a hen/stag (or a wedding for that matter). If I had a difficult relative and I had a choice of inviting them and suffering their drama on the day or not inviting them and suffering the drama afterwards from a distance, I would choose the latter to protect my other guests.

We don't know if the OP is difficult but from her reactions it's a distinct possibility; it would explain her niece's decision as well as the fact that both bridesmaids chose to blank her.

B0jangles

I may be out of date on my wedding ettiquette, but isn't the hen supposed to close friends only?

People get ballyragged into inviting Mrs Whoever, who they haven't seen for 30 years to the actual wedding because she invited their parents to her wedding in 1958, but the guestlist for the hen is entirely the bride's business.

Even if you could reasonably have expected to be invited, at no point do you get to invite yourself, and then throw a strop when your self-invite is refused. That you seem to have thought you could do this might help explain why you weren't invited in the first place.

alan partridge aha

Idle Passerby wrote: »

It wasn't the niece that texted her, it was the bridesmaid.

There's an astonishing amount of planning that goes into a hen party. Its not easy to coordinate a group of people for several pre-planned activities especially when hotels, restaurants, activity providers are all asking "what are the final numbers and when will I get paid?" People dithering about whether or not they'll go is a huge headache, never mind people inviting themselves along.

We don't know how the BM worded her text, it may have been reasonable it may have been rude, the OP doesn't quote what she said. I wouldn't see it as unreasonable for the BM to say something like "Sorry you aren't on the list of people the bride wanted invited"

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

GingerLily

B0jangles wrote: »

I may be out of date on my wedding ettiquette, but isn't the hen supposed to close friends only?

People get ballyragged into inviting Mrs Whoever, who they haven't seen for 30 years to the actual wedding because she invited their parents to her wedding in 1958, but the guestlist for the hen is entirely the bride's business.

Even if you could reasonably have expected to be invited, at no point do you get to invite yourself, and then throw a strop when your self-invite is refused. That you seem to have thought you could do this might help explain why you weren't invited in the first place.

When someone throws a hissy fit and refuses to come to your wedding - count your blessing that their tantrum didn't happen on the day and ruin your wedding!!

Idle Passerby

alan partridge aha wrote: »

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

Thats why I added this:
"Edit: I see her emails to the briesmaid's were ignored so the text was from the niece. Either way, it appears the OP was never actually invited and then sent repeated messages asking to be included which seems fairly pushy."

Perhaps the bridesmaids were too embarrassed to reply to someone trying to invite themselves.

The OP hasn't been back to clarify whether or not she was actually invited in the first place but it seems she wasn't. Maybe she innocently saw it more as a casual night out that she could tag along to but sending emails asking to be invited, to two bridesmaids and then texting the bride looking for answers kind of sounds like a drama llama tactic. Particularly in light of the rift it seems to have caused.

iamwhoiam

alan partridge aha wrote: »

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

My guess is the bridesmaids did not reply as they wanted to run it by the bride first .A bridesmaid would not be at liberty to invite someone without asking the bride

mindlet

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people. By the way. I'm a young aunty and myself and said neice were very close even lived with her for a while overseas. Everyone else in my family were invited and all I did was text looking for number for her bride's maid and I decided a nasty text back. i was always very good to her and would have done anything for her,treated her like my little sister. She was only inviting me to wedding as it was expected. I don't go to events where I know I'm not wanted. I'm not nasty and don't deserve insults here. It just hurt when she invited everyone but be me out recently and even my father said that I should have been invited. We are a very close family. Maybe I should have gone to wedding,but I was very hurt by her and her nasty text in January. Tell me how you would feel when all your family are invited to a gettogether and you aren't. It just hurts. Life is too short and I am ready to talk to her when she is ready to explain why she didn't want me at her hen and she invited my sister and all my sister in laws. That's not how I treated anyone in my family for my hen.

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people. By the way. I'm a young aunty and myself and said neice were very close even lived with her for a while overseas. Everyone else in my family were invited and all I did was text looking for number for her bride's maid and I decided a nasty text back. i w

As a matter of interest what was in the text she sent back ? Also maybe your niece was hurt that you declined to go and then changed your mind when it suited you to go ?

mindlet

alan partridge aha wrote: »

After you ask all these questions and if the answer is no then avoid your niece.

answer is no, I'm great fun love a laugh and it was in Galway and i was giving them 3 months notice. its not like I asked the week before. If her bridesmaids actually got back to me none of this would have happened. Actually I only texted her because my mam said just to send a short text looking for her bridesmaids phone number. At all times I was v friendly and never pushy as I said I had been invited and just changed my mind but this was months before.

woodchuck

Life is too short and I am ready to talk to her when she is ready to explain why she didn't want me at her hen and she invited my sister and all my sister in laws.

But she DID invite you and you turned the invitation down:

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but it sounds pretty straight forward that she wanted you there, you turned down the offer, and when you changed your mind you were hurt that they couldn't accommodate you. Presumably they had everything booked already based on the final numbers received - it's not her fault you changed your mind.

Would you not just get in touch to congratulate her on the new baby and try to mend your relationship? As you said, life is too short...

mindlet

lunamoon wrote: »

I think the OP needs to confirm whether she was invited or not. It looks like she just presumed she was invited and if that's the case then she really has no reason to be annoyed at the niece.

I was originally invited,said no as i thought no others a little older going then my other sister in law said I should go and she would bring me down. I just wanted the organisers to know i was coming down for one night if that was ok.

miamee

Unfortunately mindlet, you have declined her last two invitations to family-type events (first the hen and then the wedding) so she obviously has decided not to bother inviting you to any more. Have you spoken to her in all this time? Asked her how the hen went or the wedding or honeymoon? Did you send her a card or gift for her wedding wishing her well? Congratulate her on her pregnancy?
If you've been avoiding her all this time since the text about the hen a year and a half ago, I can see why she wouldn't want you at the family gathering introducing baby to their extended family. It sounds like a lovely family gathering and not the time for her to be stressed out about whether or not you are coming or what you are going to say to her about the hen/wedding/whatever.

mindlet

Try_harder wrote: »

It annoys me when when people invite themselves to things!

I didn't and all I did three months before was ask if I could come for one night. I even said I would organise my own accommodation. So it shouldn't have been an issue.

Get Real

mindlet wrote: »

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people.

I am ready to talk to her when she is ready to explain why she didn't want me at her hen and she invited my sister and all my sister in laws. That's not how I treated anyone in my family for my hen.

These two points, both coming from you, are at absolute odds with each other.

So you were invited, and you, of your own accord, declined to attend. You then changed your mind, but threw your toys out when it was too late to do so. I would expect any reasonable adult to understand this and move on.

I mean, numbers for accommodation, deposists, activities etc have to be finalised and deposists paid. You outlined you weren't going and they went ahead and planned on tha basis.

You then reacted to this, by not showing up to the wedding itself.

And yet, in your second point, you're the one ready to accept an explanation from her?.......

GingerLily

mindlet wrote: »

I didn't and all I did three months before was ask if I could come for one night. I even said I would organise my own accommodation. So it shouldn't have been an issue.

Are you aware that the bridesmaids take responsibility for the hen organising?

Why did you take it out on the bride? You had already declined?

It seems like a lot of drama

lunamoon

I think that ultimately you caused this problem by not going to her wedding. You said you couldn't go. I presume she had everything booked etc and didn't want the hassle of trying to accommodate someone else. Which is fair enough and her right. Then you escalated the issue by not going to her wedding. She obviously wanted you at her hen/wedding because she invited you but you turned her down and caused this **** storm.

wench

If you were so close to the bride, why didn't you talk to her when you were originally invited, to see who else was going and what the plan was?

mindlet

woodchuck wrote: »

But she DID invite you and you turned the invitation down:

I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but it sounds pretty straight forward that she wanted you there, you turned down the offer, and when you changed your mind you were hurt that they couldn't accommodate you. Presumably they had everything booked already based on the final numbers received - it's not her fault you changed your mind.

Would you not just get in touch to congratulate her on the new baby and try to mend your relationship? As you said, life is too short...

It was 3 months before the hen so ofcourse they could have added me. I still want to know why? I never did anything to hurt her even offered her lots of new stuff for her wedding i never used. I knew she was stressed and I always messaged her with tips and told her I would help in anyway in wedding prep. So it was a kick in the teeth to be told she didn't want me there

lawred2

mindlet wrote: »

In January last year. I decided to go to my neices Hen as I found out some of my other sister in laws were going and I was offered a lift. I contacted the bride's maids via email and Facebook and they both ignored my emails,so I asked my mother what should I do and she said to text neice and ask for bride's maid's contact number. So it sounded like sound advice so I texted neice and I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised. The Hen was not intil April and I was only going one night. After this I decided that there was little point in going to the wedding so I didn't. I wasn't going to be two faced. Now just over a year after the wedding she gave birth and organised a family gathering to see her new child and I wasn't invited. Another stab through my heart. I always love my family but this hurts like hell. I still have not received an apology and probably never will. Not sure what to do. Advice needed.

Hmmm you invited yourself. Bit mean of them to tell you to take a hike but still mighty presumptuous on your part to just invite yourself.

Move on would be the best advice.

mindlet

wench wrote: »

If you were so close to the bride, why didn't you talk to her when you were originally invited, to see who else was going and what the plan was?

sorry but that's not how hens work. You don't stress the bride. So i did what I was supposed to do and notified two bridesmaids. when I received no response,my mother said just to get one of their numbers and text them

wench

mindlet wrote: »

It was 3 months before the hen so ofcourse they could have added me.

How long had it been since the original invite?

elbyrneo

"i before e except after c".

Sorry, it's been bugging me.