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He slept with my colleague

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    #122
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    I dunno. I think people are working out their own insecurities and anxieties here and applying those to this fella. For example, giving out because he blew off the mate here...surely it'd be way worse if he didn't?! You're putting this guy between a rock and a hard place where whatever he does is wrong and are determined to apply the player tag to him no matter what he does. He blows off the mate? Player. He doesn't blow off the mate? Player. There's not a move this guy can make that won't lead to you criticising him, which just suggests you want to criticise him and facts don't matter.

    And this did all happen over a long period of time. What is it, a year? If something doesn't happen with me and another person the first or second time I meet them...I assume it's a busted flush. How long did you expect this guy to hold onto hope for this girl he barely knew here?

    The course of events that's most likely here is that he slept with the OP's mate, realised he should've put himself out there with the OP and asked out straight, did so and dated her, it went well, he called time with the mate and was honest with everyone involved.


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    #123
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #124
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    ginandtonicsky wrote:
    But listen, it happened, he apologised and said he wishes it never did and I’ve apologised for being totally inappropriate in my language to him when I found out.


    So is there any chance for ye now or are you still adamant that he is in the wrong?


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    #125
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    ....... wrote: »
    Once he slept with the mate he blew it. There was never going to be a good outcome from that moment. Either the mate was gonna be hurt or the OP was gonna be hurt or he was gonna be disappointed. As it happened, two of those outcomes came to be.

    It’s really easy to judge situations and people in hindsight though. That’s not how any of us live our lives in the real world, we play the cards as we see them at any given stage. If your priority is “judge the situation from the best angle that gives you the conclusion that this guy is a player who blew it”, that’s the way to look at it. It’s not the way things happened, but it’s the way to twist it to reach that conclusion.

    If you want to gauge it from “I’m an outsider and this person is looking for help, how do I gauge it fairly taking all views into account so that this reaches its best resolution where people happy”, you’ll take a step back and look at it from all angles from the perspective of how it actually played out.

    The ‘all men are dickheads’ narrative might provide people temporary relief but it’s neither true nor helpful.


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    #126
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    He got laid. Happened to be with someone you know.
    She mightn't be your colleague forever.
    He has the possibility of being a long term parter.
    He's definitely worth a second chance.


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    #127
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #128
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Addle wrote: »
    He got laid. Happened to be with someone you know.
    She mightn't be your colleague forever.
    He has the possibility of being a long term parter.
    He's definitely worth a second chance.

    Her work colleague is a friend too. I wouldn't bother with him, you aren't over your ex and you don't trust this new guy, no point bothering


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    #129
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    ....... wrote: »
    Who said or implied that all men are dickheads?

    You’re clinging to it with both hands. Earlier on you slated him for blowing off the mate, for example. I pointed out that surely it’d be worse if he didn’t. You ignored that. You’re ignoring a lot of the valid points being brought up (for example everything but the last line of my post) because you want to believe what you want to believe. I’m saying what you believe isn’t true and doesn’t help anyone going forward, even if it does give temporary comfort.


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    #130
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    leggo wrote: »
    You’re clinging to it with both hands. Earlier on you slated him for blowing off the mate, for example. I pointed out that surely it’d be worse if he didn’t. You ignored that. You’re ignoring a lot of the valid points being brought up (for example everything but the last line of my post) because you want to believe what you want to believe. I’m saying what you believe isn’t true and doesn’t help anyone going forward, even if it does give temporary comfort.

    How is this helpful to the OP? If you want to start a debate maybe start a thread elsewhere.


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    #131
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    GingerLily wrote: »
    How is this helpful to the OP? If you want to start a debate maybe start a thread elsewhere.

    I’ve explained: because validating her behaviour could put the kibosh on attempts to remedy the things that caused that behaviour and just lead to a loop of similar events, with the OP no happier. but feeling fully charged up because a bunch of randoms said this guy was a dick and she was right to do what she did. All because they took this thread as an opportunity to vent their own issues with men.

    Telling someone they’re right is often the least helpful thing you can do.


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    #132
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    leggo wrote: »
    I’ve explained: because validating her behaviour could put the kibosh on attempts to remedy the things that caused that behaviour and just lead to a loop of similar events, with the OP no happier. but feeling fully charged up because a bunch of randoms said this guy was a dick and she was right to do what she did. All because they took this thread as an opportunity to vent their own issues with men.

    My responses would be the same to a man who found out the girl he was planning on dating had been sleeping with his friend and work colleague, I suggest your the only one here who is giving gender bias advice.

    Its a moot point anyways as the OP need to get over her ex


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    #133
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,799 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Kids, enough of the bickering. Regular posters here should be more than the familiar with the Forum Charter, and the basic rule of the Forum, direct your post to the OP, and post offering mature constructive advice.

    Anyone unsure of the posting guidelines should remind themselves. Also, as always, if you notice a post that breaches the charter, report it. Commenting on it is considered off-topic and backseat moderation.

    I think OP, your issue is resolved. Thread locked.


This discussion has been closed.
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