He slept with my colleague

LegacyUser

You know we can see your back catalogue of posts right? A month ago saying you weren’t over ex, two weeks ago saying you were flying to Oaris but that given you live in different countries unlikely anything would happen? You were prepared to go to Paris regardless

GingerLily

I wouldnt be super impressed either OP.

He didn't break any rules pre say, but he's broken your trust.

Give him a second chance if you want, but maybe focus on getting over your ex first.

ahnow

Im surprised at all the replies here! He did “nothing wrong” per se...but at the same time...it’s really off putting, and if it were me I’d feel a bit let down and really embarrassed that I’m after spending a lovely weekend with this guy when all this time he’s after riding my friend/colleague and it’s this big secret!
It absolutely wouldn’t be an issue I think if the girls didn’t know each other, that’s how I’d feel about it. But the fact that yous are connected...there’s just something a bit icky and desperate about it.
Again, he didn’t do “anything wrong” but at the same time it’s really offputting, like he was putting his eggs in all the baskets, and hedging his bets. Not a great start to a budding relationship.

SimpleDimples

Total hypocrisy imo.

You have an issue with him having meani gless sex with someone before he started anything with you, yet you see no issue with you being in love with your ex.

In any relationship, those who came before you are none of your business.

Sephiroth_dude

ziggyman17 wrote: »

OP sounds like a horrible person, If I was him then I would run a mile,

A horrible person how exactly?

Metric Tensor

It seems a bit like your head is all over the place OP. I might be reading too much into things but based on your other posts are you putting too much pressure/expectations on yourself or where you expect your life to be?

FWIW I would also be less attracted to a potential partner who behaved as he has, even if he didn't do anything "wrong" - but others wouldn't - horses for courses and all that.

Fix your own head and go easy on yourself.

wirelessdude01

Cart before the horse. OP you do realise he didn't deserve you going off at him like that. He was a free agent.

He took what the other yoke offered on a plate, what man wouldn't? Realistically you just blew any chance of a relationship with him but frankly you aren't anywhere ready to have one with anyone. Sort your head out before trying to get involved with anyone.

weldoninhio

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

She didn't make him do anything, he suggested Paris, its in her OP.

He suggested Paris and she said yes, knowing that she was in love with someone else.

Gonad

Is there anything to be said for a Ménage à trois ?

In all fairness, yer man sounds like a decent sort of fella. First sign of serious relationship potential with you and he cut your ‘friend’ off below the knees. Top marks to that man I say. You didn’t even sleep with him yet he dropped the easy lay like a dead weight.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself OP. Your expectations are completely unreasonable.

wirelessdude01

Safe to say that the overwhelming majority of replies aren't what the OP expected/wanted.

wiggle16

You're completely over-reacting OP. That's not the behaviour of a prick.

Not to be bad, OP, but you basically went on a date in Paris. You've given a detailed description of it and put a lot of emphasis on it, and I'm sure it was genuinely amazing (I'm jealous TBH), but that's all it was: a really nice date. You're spinning it into something far more significant than it was, in order to make a betrayal out of the fact that he then went and slept with someone else. It wasn't a betrayal, he was a free agent. And I think you know that, which is why you're at pains to make it seem to yourself like you had more going on with him than you did. Or rather, I think that's what this other girl has done.

This guy probably thought all his birthdays had come at once, he had two women he fancied who were clearly interested in him. He went on a date with you. He slept with the other girl and arranged a date with her. Then he decided he wanted to make a go of it with you and let her know, rather than stringing her along. I cannot see anything wrong there.

The other girl told you that she slept with him, and that was vindictive. She should have kept her nose out of it. What happened between them was none of your business - she is only telling you that because in her eyes he picked you over her. You may not like the fact that he slept with her and maybe that has put you off, and that's fine - it does not make him a prick though and you should not have had a go at him. I would be very wary of that other girl in future. She knew what she was doing when she told you that.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm interested, your first line says "I know the answer to this"... What do you think the answer is? Are you embarrassed that it might get out that this fella that sent you cupcakes with a looking forward to Paris" note in front of all your colleagues slept with your colleague?

Is this colleague the one you think is a bit of a show off?

Look, you can live your life worrying what others think, or you can live your life doing what you want. I'm not sure this is a starter anyway, but if it's not, don't blame it on what others might think or say.

My best friend has been married for 15 years to her friend's ex-boyfriend. They were together for a short time, neither of them particularly interested. It wasn't some blossoming romance, with deep feelings.. But as soon as they split up, my friend realised there was something about him, and they ended up together. Her friend was even at their wedding!

FurBabyMomma

I don't get it. You expect this man to behave like he's in a relationship with you before he actually is, yet the same standards don't apply to you seeing as you told your ex you're still in love with him? It does seem like double standards.

leggo

OP I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here...but you seem like a massive drama queen tbh. Every stage of this story follows the "What's the most dramatic thing you can do now" formula. You're jumping to ten on everything. At one stage you even compared your date to a movie, like that's what you're going for. This is the real world. In the real world, people who carry on like their life is a movie generally get left behind by many because they're just headwrecks.

You had a date and it went well...so it was like a movie. You went straight to 10.

This guy slept with someone you know before you had one date...so he's a prick. In truth, it's a complicated situation and there's a lot to like about his behaviour, but you went straight to 10 there.

You found out and you didn't try ascertain more information or take time to process, you immediately ate him over text aaaaaaand...? Yep, you went straight to 10 again.

You bumped into your ex. Did you do what most of us do when we bump into an ex and play it cool while struggling through an awkward conversation? Nope, told him you love him. Guess what...you went straight to 10 again.

This isn't how emotionally mature people carry on OP, I'm sorry. I'm not sure if you want advice or want us to all say "Oh wow your life is so interesting tell us more!" But happy people don't have much drama or stories, they just get on with things because they're happy. If they posted on PI, it'd be pretty boring because they're just having nice nights with chats and laughs hanging out with a person they enjoy hanging out with. That should be the goal. Everyone in work might stand around the dramatic person and listen to their stories, but in truth nobody wants to live their life. Take a lesson from all this and stop putting yourself in holes for the sake of it and maybe take a beat when something happens in regulating how you react to it. Just don't go to 10.

snotboogie

Hitman3000 wrote: »

snotboogie wrote:

I'd be a bit kinder to OP than most here. At best this guys courtship was indiscreet and sloppy; he started a love triangle of casual sex and long term relationship plans between two colleagues and friends, both of whom he had a professional relationship with! I also wouldn't read as much into the text to her colleague after Paris, he'd want to be a complete fool to think that he could play two workmates like this for any length of time without serious damage to his professional reputation.

They weren't his colleagues. He was a client of the OP.

I didn't say that they were his colleagues, I said the two women in his love triangle were colleagues and he had a professional relationship with both of them. I can understand the confusion given the absolute mess he has made of this.

Neyite

Mod:
I've just deleted two posts that:

• offered zero advice
• attacked the OP

This is against the charter.
If you can't offer advice in a better way than namecalling or putting someone down, I would rather you refrained from posting.

LegacyUser

I am trying to think about it. I'm a woman.

My first thought was that he didn't do anything wrong. I can see that it might be a bit of a shock that it was your colleague.

Bit you don't control someone until you are in an exclusive relationship.

I travel around Europe for work and sometimes I have sex because I really fancy the person, but sometimes I have sex just because I am bored and lonely in a hotel. We are human. Sex is human! If I then met someone I really liked, I would stop having sex with these other people, like this guy, but how would he know until he went on a date with you that he really likes you. Telling her that he really likes you is honest and appropriate, and I think he wants to develop things further.
Also, see that the colleague told you after he cut things off with her. Jealousy. Always trust your own instinct. Good luck!

Keyzer

If I were you (and him) I'd call it a day on this one. It had potential but its gone down in flames....

osarusan

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Like if you put yourself in my shoes.

Put yourself in his shoes.

He met you a year ago at a conference. For the next year or so you had a good personal relationship and got on really well together. Seems like he fancied you, but nothing was happening.

He met your friend at the same conference a year later, they ended up sleeping together. Seems like it was a fairly casual hook up.

Then the next day he took a plunge on asking to meet you, told you'd he'd liked you for a while etc, and eventually you did meet in Paris and had a great time.

He had a great time also, to the point that he let your friend know that he had met somebody and things had changed, and he wouldn't be meeting her again.

I can understand that him texting you and your friend as you were literally sitting beside each other really annoys you, he comes across to you as a real player or whatever.

But from his perspective, he was a single guy who slept with a single girl. Then he asked another girl he fancied to meet him, had a great time, and told the first girl he'd met someone and things had changed.

I think you need to pinpoint what it is that really bothers you so much, then take a step back and see if you are being reasonable in how you view it. As you can see, a lot of posters here don't think you are.

Anyway, it looks like things are completely over with him at this stage.

Also, your head seems to be completely and utterly messed up with your own ex, and that is possibly clouding your judgement also, and needs to be sorted out separately, for its own sake.

sexmag

Amie12456 wrote: »

Bit you don't control someone until you are in an exclusive relationship.

WTF?

You dont control anyone, relationship or not.

Remind me and every man going to steer clear of you.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

You bumped into your ex. Did you do what most of us do when we bump into an ex and play it cool while struggling through an awkward conversation? Nope, told him you love him. Guess what...you went straight to 10 again.

This isn't how emotionally mature people carry on OP, I'm sorry. I'm not sure if you want advice or want us to all say "Oh wow your life is so interesting tell us more!" But happy people don't have much drama or stories, they just get on with things because they're happy. If they posted on PI, it'd be pretty boring because they're just having nice nights with chats and laughs hanging out with a person they enjoy hanging out with. That should be the goal. Everyone in work might stand around the dramatic person and listen to their stories, but in truth nobody wants to live their life. Take a lesson from all this and stop putting yourself in holes for the sake of it and maybe take a beat when something happens in regulating how you react to it. Just don't go to 10.

The amount of defensive posts attacking the OP is ridiculous! Of all the threads I've read on PI forum the replies here seem to fall short of the mark. Constructive criticism is fine - however the majority of the posts seem more about pontificating than advising.

Leggo, you have absolutely no idea how the conversation went between OP and her ex or which of them said there was still feelings - remember, they both said they had feelings still for each other not just her. You also have no idea about the dynamic of their relationship - you say most people would just have awkward talk - well most people might and others might not. Others might react the way the OP and her ex did.

Perhaps posters could remember that the OP came here for advice and not for the constant digs and name calling. Y'all might want to dial down the attitude.

OP the guy was sloppy in his execution and you're allowed to feel put off by it. The way you spoke to him was a bit OTT and something you should apologise for - at the end of the day he technically didn't do anything wrong. I imagine your reaction to him was more so due to residual issues from your breakup. Be up front with him about your ex and explain that you can't be involved with anyone now due to feelings for ex.

Also, just as an aside, getting involved with clients should be an immediate no, it's not very professional and can get very messy.

Slutmonkey57b

If there is any blame to be handed around here, it rests with you and your colleague, not him. He saw sparks with you, didn't think it could go anywhere, was friendly to see where it went.

Your colleague obviously knew you were interested in him but offered him a quick one anyway. He took it, as he's no reason not to, then found that his feelings for you had only been reinforced, and decided to take the risk and tell you. He arranged a date, told the colleague he wasn't interested anymore (politely, it seems) and tried to continue things with you.

Then your colleague stuck her oar in *after* he'd finished with her and *before* he started with you, for... some reason. I'd ask questions why she did any of the things *she* did, because unlike him she knew exactly how you were feeling all the way along.

He's better off without either of you, and the poster above who mentioned dialling it up to 10 every time is right on the money.

What you did (telling your ex you still love them after the date) is 100 times worse than what he did (having a meaningless fling before your date).

LegacyUser

sexmag wrote: »

WTF?

You dont control anyone, relationship or not.

Remind me and every man going to steer clear of you.

Sigh. You read me wrong. If you actually asked me you wouldn't jump to conclusions. I am against control.
Look at it this way.
What I am saying is: 1-1 relationships, where people say "you cannot have sex with someone else while you are with me", is control, is it not? But some people like these kind of relationships.

And I am saying she was trying to control someone before they were even in that kind of relationship. And that doesn't work.

I am not a fan of relationships like that. I like open relationships. With no control.

And plenty of men like me, thanks a lot.

LegacyUser

sexmag wrote: »

WTF?

You dont control anyone, relationship or not.

Remind me and every man going to steer clear of you.

Why do you have to be so aggressive actually.

You accused me of saying the exact opposite of the thing I was trying to say. I was saying "you don't control anyone". Jeez this board.

Honey OP - I would say your colleague is jealous, he is a free agent until he got with you, if you have a great time -go further!

osarusan

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

Your colleague obviously knew you were interested in him but offered him a quick one anyway. He took it, as he's no reason not to, then found that his feelings for you had only been reinforced, and decided to take the risk and tell you. He arranged a date, told the colleague he wasn't interested anymore (politely, it seems) and tried to continue things with you.

Then your colleague stuck her oar in *after* he'd finished with her and *before* he started with you, for... some reason. I'd ask questions why she did any of the things *she* did, because unlike him she knew exactly how you were feeling all the way along.

He's better off without either of you, and the poster above who mentioned dialling it up to 10 every time is right on the money.

What you did (telling your ex you still love them after the date) is 100 times worse than what he did (having a meaningless fling before your date).

It doesn't seem like the colleague was aware that the OP and the guy had anything other than professional contact:

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

He knew I have ex issues. He knew I’m still very much in the aftermath of something very difficult. My colleague gave him an ultimatum to tell me or else she would. We never spoke about fancying him or any of that, it was very much a client relationship until suddenly she felt she was forced to disclose this because she perceived what he was going to be deceitful.

To look at it from the perspective of the OP's colleague - she went to a conference with the OP, met a client (she possibly knew the client and the OP got on well personally).

OP's colleague and client spent a night together. Were making plans to meet again but client took the plunge to meet OP, had a great date, then let colleague know things had changed and he wouldn't be meeting her again.

It was only when the colleague saw the client's name on OP's phone that she put two and two together, and immediately arranged a drink with the OP to fill her in on what had happened between them.

Slutmonkey57b

osarusan wrote: »

It was only when the colleague saw the client's name on OP's phone that she put two and two together, and immediately arranged a drink with the OP to fill her in on what had happened between them.

Why did she do that? What did she gain from it? What did she think the op would gain from it?

The only thing it did was make the op insecure and put out a childish marker "I shagged your bloke before you dated him". Doesn't sound like a nice person.

Sounds very much like a person who could put two and two together, watch how the op reacted to the guy's interactions, and work out she fancied him... Op doesn't sound good at hiding her emotions.

sexmag

Amie12456 wrote: »

Sigh. You read me wrong. If you actually asked me you wouldn't jump to conclusions. I am against control.
Look at it this way.
What I am saying is: 1-1 relationships, where people say "you cannot have sex with someone else while you are with me", is control, is it not? But some people like these kind of relationships.

And I am saying she was trying to control someone before they were even in that kind of relationship. And that doesn't work.

I am not a fan of relationships like that. I like open relationships. With no control.

And plenty of men like me, thanks a lot.

No I read you right, people in 1 on 1 relationships do not control one another,it's called monogamy, you need to choose your words better.

tea and coffee

If it's a small open plan office and everyone saw you getting the cupcakes and you're close to the work colleague surely she knew, or could feasibly guess, who they were from. Why did she not say anything then?
I'm in 2 minds on this. Seems a little odd he slept with her when he was into you but then he did call it off as soon as you had a great date.

osarusan

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

Why did she do that? What did she gain from it? What did she think the op would gain from it?

Because she didn't want it coming out 6 months later that she'd slept with the OP's now-boyfriend? She'd rather have that out in the open straight away between her and her friend.