He slept with my colleague

Arrival

Jesus, you need to go for counselling because you're being so harsh on that lad. The fact that he was honest with your colleague and called things off with her, telling her he has feelings for someone else, doesn't tell you that he's actually genuinely feeling strongly for you?

I'm actually annoyed after reading your post, you are ridiculously unreasonable here and I'd even say it's for the best that you do leave things go with this lad because it's for the best he dodges that bullet

seenitall

Hi OP,

Just want to say that you have my support on this, and that I would also be utterly disappointed to live through this scenario. This "technically not wrong" stuff only goes so far when the matters of the heart are involved. I would never dream of trying a heavy sell of cupcakes and trips to Paris on someone whose colleague I had in my bed at the weekend. Or the other way round. It would just feel incredibly seedy and wrong, no matter how "technically right" it may be. And therefore I would expect the same kind of standards of the person I'm going to date. I know full well I may be in a minority, but that's me, and being me has served me quite well so far

TBH, this love-bombing stuff you describe is a bit of a red flag in itself. Remember what is said about the people who are so full on in the beginning? I think that you probably dodged a bullet here, and needless to say, I'd be grateful to your colleague for speaking up, otherwise you'd still/never be any the wiser of what he really was up to on the weekend that he was leading you to believe was so promising for both of you in terms of finding that special connection with someone. God, but it makes my skin crawl!

However, I think that your language does betray a lot of hurt and anger being worked out in this situation, that don't necessarily belong at this guy's door. Forget about him now. But work on yourself. It sounds like you do need more time to process your break up properly, and I always suggest a bit of counselling as I know it can work wonders for clearing things up, getting new perspectives, moving on.

valoren

Still trying to get the narrative correct in my mind.

12 months ago OP and the guy meet at week long conference. They hit it off.
Months later the guy becomes a client of OP's company.
12 months later, OP and colleague go to the annual conference and meet the client again. More vibes.
The guy contacts OP, expresses his long held attraction and asks her to meet, OP is unsure, they don't hook up.
He then contacts the colleague the same night and they meet up for a trist.
The following morning, he is texting them both, arranging separate dates, one in Paris with OP, the other at a later date with the colleague. He is discreet about it but this is deemed sly behavior.
In the build up to their date, he sends cupcakes to their office to the OP.
He meets OP first in Paris and they hit it off.
He then cancels his plans with the colleague as he has met 'someone' else. He doesn't mention that it's the OP.
After the Paris weekend, the colleague see's the clients name on the OP's phone, asks to meet privately after work and reveals they rode each other at the conference, presumably to let OP know they were both being played.
OP is appalled at his underhanded behavior.
Throughout the above there is the sub plot of OP still being in love with her ex.

Is that the correct narrative?

osarusan

valoren wrote: »

The guy contacts OP, expresses his long held attraction and asks her to meet, OP is unsure, they don't hook up.
He then contacts the colleague the same night and they meet up for a trist.

I don't think this bit is right - I think he messaged, and slept with the colleague the night before he messaged the OP to say he'd fancied her for a while.

valoren

osarusan wrote: »

I don't think this bit is right - I think he messaged, and slept with the colleague the night before he messaged the OP to say he'd fancied her for a while.

From OP post;

on the very last night this guy started messaging me asking me to come out, he likes me so much, he's had a thing for me since that first conference and only having the balls to say anything now

Nothing happened

I take that to mean, they didn't meet that night, but he did meet the colleague instead.

ginandtonicsky

Valoren - he met and had sex with my colleague the night before he messaged me about feelings. She was happy enough for it to be a casual hookup until he asked to see her again and from there date plans were made. She has no idea the same thing was happening with me until she saw his name on my phone.

I apologised last night for calling him horrible names and that I acted out of hurt and anger. It seemed to go well, he again expressed feelings and told me he never meant to hurt me and wishes he could change it all.

What I’ve learned from this thread is that I am indeed a complete hot mess of emotions and unreasonable behaviour at the moment and I need to sort that out as a matter of priority. I’ve substituted self care with work stress and drama and it’s got me in a very dark place indeed where I’m just living life like some sort of headless chicken And not actually dealing with anything.

What I’ve also learned is the value of kindness and compassion in these threads and how that can really be like a warm hug from a friend when someone is going through a tough time. I appreciate you’re putting all of your private stuff out there for public consumption and you have to be fair game for what comes back, but I don’t see how name calling and telling someone they’re a drama queen and this guy “dodged a bullet” in their hour of need teaches anyone anything other than to get them a bunch of likes from a crowd who gets a good laugh from it all.

I know well how wrong a lot of my thought processes and behaviours are here, but in fairness most people who post in PI don’t do so to chat mundanely about their stress free lives, they do it because they’re really struggling with something and are probably a bit all over the place and there are ways of pointing out the error of their ways without attacking them as people.

Seenitall, thank you for your post. Despite my erratic mindset at the moment I can’t imagine what this guy did would ever sit well with me and I know I’m in the minority but I guess it’s about personal standards of behaviour and knowing what yours are.

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Metric Tensor

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

What I’ve learned from this thread is that I am indeed a complete hot mess of emotions and unreasonable behaviour at the moment and I need to sort that out as a matter of priority. I’ve substituted self care with work stress and drama and it’s got me in a very dark place indeed where I’m just living life like some sort of headless chicken And not actually dealing with anything.

This is it OP - all the rest is just a by-product of the above.



If you were in the right head place the current incident would've been something you could have more easily dealt with (in whichever way) and moved on.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

I can't understand why you hold this guy up to such high standards but don't hold yourself to those standards? You told your ex that you still loved him, this is as bad as anything this guy has done.

PARlance

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Valoren - he met and had sex with my colleague the night before he messaged me about feelings. She was happy enough for it to be a casual hookup until he asked to see her again and from there date plans were made. She has no idea the same thing was happening with me until she saw his name on my phone.

I apologised last night for calling him horrible names and that I acted out of hurt and anger. It seemed to go well, he again expressed feelings and told me he never meant to hurt me and wishes he could change it all.

What I’ve learned from this thread is that I am indeed a complete hot mess of emotions and unreasonable behaviour at the moment and I need to sort that out as a matter of priority. I’ve substituted self care with work stress and drama and it’s got me in a very dark place indeed where I’m just living life like some sort of headless chicken And not actually dealing with anything.

What I’ve also learned is the value of kindness and compassion in these threads and how that can really be like a warm hug from a friend when someone is going through a tough time. I appreciate you’re putting all of your private stuff out there for public consumption and you have to be fair game for what comes back, but I don’t see how name calling and telling someone they’re a drama queen and this guy “dodged a bullet” in their hour of need teaches anyone anything other than to get them a bunch of likes from a crowd who gets a good laugh from it all.

I know well how wrong a lot of my thought processes and behaviours are here, but in fairness most people who post in PI don’t do so to chat mundanely about their stress free lives, they do it because they’re really struggling with something and are probably a bit all over the place and there are ways of pointing out the error of their ways without attacking them as people.

Seenitall, thank you for your post. Despite my erratic mindset at the moment I can’t imagine what this guy did would ever sit well with me and I know I’m in the minority but I guess it’s about personal standards of behaviour and knowing what yours are.

I think you really wound people up by going so hard on the guy but as you say, you've a lot going on, were angry etc.

I think it's clear that you are a "romantic", that mightn't be the best description and it's no bad thing either but the dating world seems to be void of a bit of romance these days, life has changed and the way people date has changed a fair bit. That scene mightn't be your scene but I think you should be more open to someone who is, if you can.

That's if you want to go into that scene again. I think the first step would be to get over or sort out issues with your Ex.

I think the best way to sum it all up is that while you may have different personal standards, a person with "less" standards shouldn't be deemed a youknowwhat.

leggo

Fair play for that OP. Good for you that you can get introspective and own the issue. For the record, if you were referring to me calling you a drama queen, I wasn’t trying to dunk on you for thanks. Sometimes the best way to reflect a mirror back on someone and to get them to help themselves is to give a perspective as to how their situation may look to an outsider. Most people get defensive and just resist any attempt to deflect all criticism from themselves, you’ve taken the opposite approach and put the hands up and I respect that. Now put this moment of clarity into action and you’ll be flying. For what it’s worth any damage with this bloke doesn’t appear to be terminal so you’re starting from a good place.

Potatoeman

As okay as people say they would be with this, I’d say you need to be in the situation yourself first. I had someone at work after me sleep with a colleague and after that I was only interested in something casual with her.

I’d also be careful with the colleague being into casual hookups if you’re not. The chances of this happening again could be higher than you think. You might be safer separating your work and personal life to avoid situations like this. Guys might try to have casual fun with her before a relationship with you and as you can see from the posts here there is technically nothing wrong with that.

Also you don’t seem to live in the same country as this guy. How is that going to work?

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I agree entirely with you about people jumping down your throat to call you names.

I am glad you called him to apologise and also think it totally reasonable to not want to start something based on the complications.

Slutmonkey57b

osarusan wrote: »

Because she didn't want it coming out 6 months later that she'd slept with the OP's now-boyfriend? She'd rather have that out in the open straight away between her and her friend.

The boyfriend wouldn't have mentioned it, and the op wouldn't have known.

The colleague only told her because the guy had broken things off with her, and that's hardly a positive motivating factor.

GingerLily

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

The boyfriend wouldn't have mentioned it, and the op wouldn't have known.

The colleague only told her because the guy had broken things off with her, and that's hardly a positive motivating factor.

You have no way of knowing her motivations - the colleague has done nothing wrong and it's very unfair that people are accusing her of having alterier motives when all she's done is be honest with a friend in a timely manner.

SirChenjin

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

What I’ve learned from this thread is that I am indeed a complete hot mess of emotions and unreasonable behaviour at the moment and I need to sort that out as a matter of priority. I’ve substituted self care with work stress and drama and it’s got me in a very dark place indeed where I’m just living life like some sort of headless chicken And not actually dealing with anything.

What I’ve also learned is the value of kindness and compassion in these threads and how that can really be like a warm hug from a friend when someone is going through a tough time. I appreciate you’re putting all of your private stuff out there for public consumption and you have to be fair game for what comes back, but I don’t see how name calling and telling someone they’re a drama queen and this guy “dodged a bullet” in their hour of need teaches anyone anything other than to get them a bunch of likes from a crowd who gets a good laugh from it all.

I know well how wrong a lot of my thought processes and behaviours are here, but in fairness most people who post in PI don’t do so to chat mundanely about their stress free lives, they do it because they’re really struggling with something and are probably a bit all over the place and there are ways of pointing out the error of their ways without attacking them as people.

Completely agree with you.

I hope that things improve for you very soon. You have been through an awful lot.

No advice at all, just sending you a big virtual hug. Take care.

statina

OP Mind yourself, you’re going through such a personal hard time. “This too shall pass”

Best wishes

WIZWEB

OP I'm going to go against the majority here. You're right to have serious suspicions especially considering the spin you were fed at the time he slept with your colleague. He knew it was highly likely that your colleague might talk about her experience with him to you. He just didn't care or saw it as a way to create triangulation. Even though you and him didn't sleep together it was a great way to play the gentleman and increase your emotional connection to him. Deliberate? Perhaps. You use the word 'sociopath'. Related to that type is narcissist. A word I use often here where I believe relevant but you've not spent enough time with this man for me to use that label. Always best that you spend no time with those types though. He's at least an emotional player laying on the charm while lieing as a free agent or otherwise.

An interesting point is you mention your ex who was/is in therapy. Are you an empath or would you perceive yourself as codependent? Really attractive traits to players and narcissists and often us types end up very attracted to them. Just speculation but if your ex has an addiction they will be naturally Narcissistic while using. Thankfully in that case it usually subsides when not using. Otherwise best to minimise contact.

The other lad is going to mess with your head in my opinion as he has done so unintentionally or otherwise. Save yourself the drama and ideally meet a new bloke from either as the newbie has disrespected you and regarding the ex they are an ex for a reason or two.

ginandtonicsky

Thanks Wizweb and thank you all for your kindness.

I don’t know if I’m codependent or an empath but my ex had addiction issues tied to his depression/anxiety and I suppose you could say dealing with that had a really detrimental affect on my self esteem and on me as a person.

I don’t really want to go down the rabbit hole of personality types and all the rest of it, all I know is it felt wrong and the charm offensive continues even now after I’ve apologised and expressed that I have no interest in anything romantic anymore. I’m obviously not without my own faults but it feels sinister and it feels wrong and funnily enough the glaring difference with my ex was that for all his sins and there were many, I always knew he was a good person and his loyalty never waned. The idea of Sleeping with one of my colleagues while he was trying to pursue me would have turned his stomach.

I’m at risk of rosetinting everything about him at the moment so will be maintaining a healthy distance from both these lads from now on and looking into therapy when I get back to my home city.

Thank you all

Degringola

"all I know is it felt wrong"
I'm so glad you're listening to your gut feelings, OP.  They hardly ever lead us astray.
I think the only question you need to ask yourself in these kind of situations is
"Is this acceptable to ME? ". 
I find his actions quite creepy and I think you've dodged a bullet.
Please don't let him hoover back, he sounds quite persistent.
All the best.

WIZWEB

You're welcome OP.

As you dealt with your ex's addiction issues which would mean staying with them while aware it would suggest codependency through enabling as any of us do while we stay in those relationships. Your combined empathy (evidenced by how you still speak caringly for your ex considering what that relationship cost you) would gravitate you towards a fixer role. Both empathy and codependency can be positive traits but often leave us open to abuse by being taken advantage of by others. Such a scenario as you are aware will eventually affect your mental health. Therapy is a great idea to resolve these issues and prevent repeat experiences. The role we take on is usually defined through early developmental childhood experiences from learned behaviours taught by our parents. Your therapist if a link is discovered will discuss this with you if you're comfortable.

Regarding your self esteem have a Google on the 'Locus of Evaluation'. It's an effective but simple tool from the renowned psychotherapist Carl Rogers to work on prioritising yourself and your own needs. Even now you being concerned about what your ex would think about you sleeping with a colleague displays an external seeking of SELF-Worth. Just think about how much power that gives him over you (in your head) even though he hasn't asked for it in this case! Maybe reflect with your therapist on similar instances during that relationship that gave your control and power away. Any an invite to damage our SELF-Esteem. Work on internalising this instead through this little tool.

The recent lad has already introduced you into a predictable cycle. It always eventually ends in a discard. The first two pieces which can bounce back and forward as you've experienced are first the idolisation and then the devaluation phases. You empower yourself and protect your emotional health by not engaging in such drama.

The 'healthy distance' is another great idea you have. That will protect you while you recover. As your self-esteem increases you'll develop a natural barrier that will protect you with a very low threshold for other people's problems or games.

PressRun

While I don't think he did anything bad per se, we are all entitled to our own feelings on what feels right or wrong. Something about this fella obviously just didn't sit right with you and that should be enough to move on without him. I don't think it was right to go off on him over it, but you're still allowed to feel uncomfortable with his approach to this situation. There are obviously residual feelings about your ex and how that ended, and I would address that before looking into pursuing anything else romantic with someone else.

LolaJJ

I actually completely understand where OP is coming from and I'm really surprised that she's received such a back-lash here.

If I had had on/off flirting with a guy for over a year who confessed to me that he had had feelings for me and had some crazy romantic date with me in Paris...

I would feel REALLY special and excited.

Until I learned that this is just a move he does with a lot of different girls and didn't even like me enough to at least pick someone I don't know or didn't introduce him too.

Similarly if I GENUINELY liked a guy I wouldn't even glance side-ways at any of his friends or colleagues, especially if he was also there. You just don't

I get it OP

leggo

LolaJJ wrote: »

I actually completely understand where OP is coming from and I'm really surprised that she's received such a back-lash here.

If I had had on/off flirting with a guy for over a year who confessed to me that he had had feelings for me and had some crazy romantic date with me in Paris...

I would feel REALLY special and excited.

Until I learned that this is just a move he does with a lot of different girls and didn't even like me enough to at least pick someone I don't know or didn't introduce him too.

Similarly if I GENUINELY liked a guy I wouldn't even glance side-ways at any of his friends or colleagues, especially if he was also there. You just don't

I get it OP

Flip side: you’re only getting one side of the story here. If I met someone a couple times and liked them, but say they gave mixed signals (which often people don’t even realise they give) or didn’t seem interested...I’d have no problem sleeping with someone they knew if the opportunity presented itself and we both wanted to. Again, he’d met this person a few times over the course of a few months. He owes her less than nothing. We’ve no idea what his side of the story is.

I can also totally see how the OP would be taken aback and even how she’d choose not to continue things as it’d seem a bit tainted and weird. That’s not what she’s getting backlash for. It’s the level of her overreaction. She’s acknowledged this is an issue and is going to work on it. I don’t think it’s helpful to her to validate that behaviour now when it likely wasn’t making her happy to begin with and getting help for it will likely make her much happier in the long run. There are different ways to help people than just showing total support.

LolaJJ

leggo wrote: »

Flip side: you’re only getting one side of the story here. If I met someone a couple times and liked them, but say they gave mixed signals (which often people don’t even realise they give) or didn’t seem interested...I’d have no problem sleeping with someone they knew if the opportunity presented itself and we both wanted to. Again, he’d met this person a few times over the course of a few months. He owes her less than nothing. We’ve no idea what his side of the story is.

I can also totally see how the OP would be taken aback and even how she’d choose not to continue things as it’d seem a bit tainted and weird. That’s not what she’s getting backlash for. It’s the level of her overreaction. She’s acknowledged this is an issue and is going to work on it. I don’t think it’s helpful to her to validate that behaviour now when it likely wasn’t making her happy to begin with and getting help for it will likely make her much happier in the long run. There are different ways to help people than just showing total support.

Absolutely, my comment was relating to all the posts saying that the guy did nothing wrong. I believe what he did was wrong

leggo

He unequivocally didn’t. You don’t owe anyone you haven’t even been on a date, or had any romantic dealings with, exclusivity. That’s an absolutely mental thing to expect from someone and the kind of thing that upsets teenagers... “But he looked at me first!” and so on.

But it’s also okay for the OP to not proceed if she feels that way too. She’s free to do as she wishes and so is he. No need for stress, drama or tears. Isn’t that a much healthier way to live?

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sexmag

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Except he is not married or commited to anyone and as such does not owe anyone anything.

Would it have made a differnce if he slept with her years before hand and then tried to start something with op?

He was up front with the other girl as soon as op gave him a chance which is a decenbt thing to do, he could have just blown her off and went with op, infact if he didnt end it with the other girls op may have been none the wiser, prior to hooking with op that he could do as he liked and not to mention the other must have known op was into him as he had sent gifts to her job and she said its a small office so everyone played a part.

Anyway op seems to have got a resolution and is going to be better off because of it

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ginandtonicsky

Yeah listen it’s much of a muchness now and I’ve literally been lying on a beach for five days straight so am a bit more zen and meh about it all.

What I will say though is that the language that I was lauded for in the OP for being a “drama queen” - a lot of that was his. Paris being like a movie, how amazing and special I am, how he thought I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen when he met me last year.

So I’ll hold my hands up for having the reaction I did, totally unhealthy and definitely symptomatic of the stress I’ve had in my life recently. But he absolutely encouraged me to think of our date in the way I did, that’s been the nature his texts/calls to me ever since he expressed interest.

Hard to marry that with casually hooking up with the colleague I had introduced him to at the event we were both at, and subsequently trying to date her, if those types of mad feelings were bubbling under the surface all along.

But listen, it happened, he apologised and said he wishes it never did and I’ve apologised for being totally inappropriate in my language to him when I found out.