He slept with my colleague

LegacyUser

OP, I'd be of the same thinking as you. If a guy was behaving and speaking to me the way this guy was with you only to be sleeping with someone else in the meantime, I'd find it disingenuous. His actions and words would ring untrue for me. Especially, as you said, with someone you're close to. For me, if I really like someone I'm not wired to chase others - my energies go into that person I really, really like. But, clearly, we are in the minority. I probably wouldn't have gone off on him, just politely declined any further contact in a romantic setting.

That being said, I think your real issues lie with your ex - this guy just exacerbated things for you. Maybe your reaction would not have been as intense if you weren't still feeling the effects of your breakup with your ex.

You said you and your ex still have feelings for each other. Do either of you want to give it a second chance? Focus on that or getting over him with aid of counselling and forget for now dating anyone. It doesn't sound like you're ready to.

erudec

Katgurl wrote: »

I don't think he's a prick. I .

Yes, he didn't owe you anything and there's nothing wrong with him having sex with your colleague or anyone else.

<SNIP>

LLMMLL

I kinda get where you’re coming from OP. Sure if it was just a bit of banter and flirting it would be perfectly acceptable to do the same with your colleague. But if he was being really full on and promising you the sun, moon and stars I could see why you’d be put off by him essentially keeping your colleague as an option.

It’s become more acceptable in the last few years to basically have a few people on the go in the early days. I personally think that comes with a responsibility to treat these people fairly. It’s a little **** to date 3 people and give any of them the impression that it was love at first sight.

Also you’re well within your rights to not like this style of dating. There are plenty of people who want the be exclusive from day 1, or at least believe the person they have been on one date with should only have eyes for them.

I don’t think you’re within your rights to be calling this guy a prick or whatever. He seems more decent than a lot of guys out there even if you’re incompatible in your views on dating.

3DataModem

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I find that so hard to believe. Like if you put yourself in my shoes. Someone you have a professional connection with, have known for a year, discloses deeper feelings and woos you over to the point where you travel to a different country to see them. And then you learn that literally the night before he expressed these deeper feelings, he had sex with your colleague/mate? If I’m in the minority fair enough but I cant imagine ever thinking that is not **** behaviour tbh. It’s not my standard of behaviour anyway

It is certainly unusual, yes. You are allowed think it’s strange. But the way he immediately cut off pursuing other girl after your time away is exactly what a good person does. Chill.

PARlance

I'm assuming that you will be telling Mr. P***k that you still love your Ex? And that you've said this to your Ex since the Paris trip.

sexmag

LLMMLL wrote: »

or at least believe the person they have been on one date with should only have eyes for them.

That's exactly what he did, they went on a date after he slept with the colleague and then immediately he dropped her and was up front and honest about it to the girl which is admirable

dudara

@erudec - less of the generalisations please. You can take your rhetoric elsewhere. Posts here are supposed to offer constructive, direct advice to the OP.

dudara

Airyfairy12

Sorry but I think youre over reacting and coming across a bit entitled, controlling and immature. Nothing has been done to at all but youre acting like a little victim. You wearnt together when he f*cked your colleague, he brought you on a romantic date to Paris, yous aren't together now and he's calling off dates because he likes you so much. Whats your problem?

Rachiee

I think the fact that he cancelled his upcoming date with your colleague shows hiw special he felt his time in paris with you was, he didnt want to just keep his options open he recognised he had feelings for you and decided he wanted to see where it would go and wouldnt be fair to date other people. He sounds like a catch but then its all so tainted now theres probably no point in persuing it but I wouldnt be hurt at all that he was onto someone else or assume he was lying, he seems to have genuinely been very interested in you.

professore

As a guy he will have already learned that passing up women because he fancies one above others almost always turns out to be a mistake. He was probably surprised that you were into him. It's different for women since they get asked out generally so they know where they stand. Men genuinely often have no idea if a woman will be interested in them or not, so you have to hedge your bets or wait forever for the perfect woman which might never arrive.

If he kept after your colleague after you two were together then you would have something to complain about.

Did your colleague know you were into this guy and shagged him anyway? That is a problem if she did - she isn't your friend if she did this.

There's a reason "all's fair in love and war" is a cliche.

He sounds like a decent bloke to me.

acer911

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I guess I expected him to not try to crack on with someone so close to me professionally and socially at the same time as me? If his feelings were in fact genuine and as deep as he said they were? Am I really in the minority in thinking that is appalling behaviour?

I think you are off the mark here and have been unfair on him! To say you let rip at him too!? Think you owe him an apology. I think you should give him a chance, seems like a nice guy.

Hitman3000

acer911 wrote:

I think you should give him a chance, seems like a nice guy.

To be fair she has already said she has feelings for her ex. It would not be fair on the guy to make him waste time and energy on a relationship that has no future.

weldoninhio

Hitman3000 wrote: »

To be fair she has already said she has feelings for her ex. It would not be fair on the guy to make him waste time and energy on a relationship that has no future.

She’s already made him fly to Paris and led him on over there (while apparently in love with another man). I doubt his feelings come into it with this OP.

lawred2

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Not sure what to make of it being honest, why **** your friend when he wanted you all along? Are you getting any counselling yourself for the break up?

Why not?

The sex you have is better than the sex you imagine ..

snotboogie

I'd be a bit kinder to OP than most here. At best this guys courtship was indiscreet and sloppy; he started a love triangle of casual sex and long term relationship plans between two colleagues and friends, both of whom he had a professional relationship with! I also wouldn't read as much into the text to her colleague after Paris, he'd want to be a complete fool to think that he could play two workmates like this for any length of time without serious damage to his professional reputation.

Hitman3000

snotboogie wrote:

I'd be a bit kinder to OP than most here. At best this guys courtship was indiscreet and sloppy; he started a love triangle of casual sex and long term relationship plans between two colleagues and friends, both of whom he had a professional relationship with! I also wouldn't read as much into the text to her colleague after Paris, he'd want to be a complete fool to think that he could play two workmates like this for any length of time without serious damage to his professional reputation.

They weren't his colleagues. He was a client of the OP.

LegacyUser

Are you allowed date your clients or is it frowned on like most industries? Perhaps he thought he’d a better chance with a colleague that wasn’t his superior. I’d take whatever the colleague says with a pinch of salt obviously she’d want to make out she was wooed in same fashion rather than flash in pan. He had meaningless sex when single, if you were genuinely interested you wouldn’t be telling an ex you still loved them.

ginandtonicsky

He was/is a client. I work for a small tech startup, I work in a very small team and sit right beside this colleague as well as socialising with her and spending long days with her. Of course you shouldn’t be dating your clients so I had to think long and hard about this.

Someone asked me what precisely it is that I have the problem with and that’s just it. It feels like he was out for what he could get without an arse’s notion about the working relationship and the friendship that would potentially be impacted. He messaged her and pursued her in the same vein he did with me.

When my colleague showed me his messages, that bit about “I’ve got feelings for someone” felt very much for show, my first comment was “that’s written like he knew I’d be reading it at some stage”. It felt like he was covering his tracks because we’d had this great weekend and there was a risk his name would come up in the office. It felt pre-emptive.

He knew I have ex issues. He knew I’m still very much in the aftermath of something very difficult. My colleague gave him an ultimatum to tell me or else she would. We never spoke about fancying him or any of that, it was very much a client relationship until suddenly she felt she was forced to disclose this because she perceived what he was going to be deceitful.

Anyway. It has been pointed that I haven’t covered myself in glory in how I’ve spoken to him since. So I will be apologising. I’m not an awful person, I’m a hurt person who felt betrayed by someone who’s actions to me were more about being out for what he could get, despite all his prose and declarations of the last few weeks.

The Princess Bride

Just to clarify OP.
Was Paris only the 3rd time you'd met this man?
As in, 1st time at conference last year, then he was a client but no face to face meetings, until second conference this year?
Then Paris for a date?
If so, what he did before Paris is rather irrelevant as you weren't in a relationship.

To be honest, even if your colleague wasn't caught up in the equation, there's your unfinished emotional relationship with your ex to consider, plus this new man is in a different country.

A year post, as you put it, "a brutal breakup", obviously wasn't enough for you to heal yourself.
I think you probably need to take some time for yourself, without any relationship. And as others have said, consider some counselling.
For everyone's sake.

For the record, Paris guy did nothing wrong.

Sephiroth_dude

weldoninhio wrote: »

She’s already made him fly to Paris .

She didn't make him do anything, he suggested Paris, its in her OP.

Hitman3000

Sephiroth_dude wrote:

She didn't make him do anything, he suggested Paris, chased her, sent muffins to her office.

Which she could have stopped by telling him she was not interested. Seriously is the guy always at fault no matter What?

Big Bag of Chips

Thread title edited. Language used falls short of what is expected in Personal Issues.

LegacyUser

How come he’s the issue and not your colleague. Sounds like your projecting and highly over invested for what was essentially a first date.

ginandtonicsky

I was interested. I like the guy. I felt there was a vibe between us at this year’s conference. And his efforts to pursue me were so full on, so strong in a way that rarely happens so I thought I’d give him a chance.

Obviously I’m not over my ex and need to deal with that properly. I hadn’t seen him in 8 months before yesterday. I hadn’t cried in months. This guy was at the forefront of my mind. I was excited about what could be. I thought I was safe to try something with someone new. Obviously not, but that was new information to me too with what happened last night.

Sephiroth_dude

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Which she could have stopped by telling him she was not interested. Seriously is the guy always at fault no matter What?

She was obviously was interested though, he asked her out.

Hitman3000

ginandtonicsky wrote:

I was interested. I like the guy. I felt there was a vibe between us at this year’s conference. And his efforts to pursue me were so full on, so strong in a way that rarely happens so I thought I’d give him a chance.

I'm not trying to offend you. It's neither fair on yourself or any potential partner until your deal with your feelings for your ex. You have already said you still love your ex how can any person get close to you when you still feel that way. I think you liked the attention but are not ready to move on. Just my two cents.

LegacyUser

For future reference, rule number 1 of dating, don't talk about your ex!!! (ESPECIALLY on a first date). This is red flag central.

Nothing else to add to the majority view expressed

facehugger99

You sound way too emotionally invested in a guy you met a handful of times.

Big Bag of Chips

It's been mentioned now a few times, but I'll say it again anyway, whether or not he slept with anyone a few weeks before your first "date" is irrelevant. You are still in love with your ex. So even if this fella did everything 'right', even if he hadn't looked at another woman for the entire past year while he waited for you and to know if anything could ever come of it, it would be irrelevant, because you are still in love with your ex.

You went to Paris with this fella, you did all the romantic things, you kissed, walked around hand in hand looked to the future, and then you told your ex you loved him.

He slept with your friend, you told your ex you're still in love with him. I think you're quits now.

sexmag

Op the main constructive criticism here is he is entitled to do what he likes while single. He tried to court you and did so by sending cakes to your office, clearly your colleague knew this anyway and slept with him so she's another issue.

How he slept with her and courted you is irrelevant really, he chose you, you went off on him as if you had been in a relationship for years and he cheated on you and this may be because you were in talks for a year or because you weren't over your ex and projected that fact you didn't get closure on him when you found out he slept with your friend.

Either way in this scenario you are way over the line and it's best you both stay away from each other particularly as you aren't over your ex