My friend is in alcohol rehab

walkingmuch

Hi. My best friend has gone into drink and drugs rehab in the UK for 6 weeks and to say I'm finding it hard is an understatement. Before anyone says I'm being selfish, I know he is in exactly the right place for him and getting the best help and I'm so glad about that.

My concern is that, his mum has told me they get their mobile phone back for a few hours in the evening (he is 3weeks into it). Im thinking that if he has his mobile but still not contacting me, should I be worried. The last time I saw him before he went into rehab, we left on a bad note as he was in a bad way and I had to leave the situation. He blamed my leaving for his escalation of drinking that night. That was our last contact. The lack of contact is so hard.

I have started going to Al Anon which is helpful and doing some therapy myself. This helps but I miss him so much. His mum has been to see him and told me he is doing well, but that he has not mentioned me. I would like to hear from people on either side who have been through treatment or were outside when a loved one was in treatment.

How did you deal with it, should I be worried etc?

Thanks in advance.

Dravokivich

If the last thing ye talked about was him blaming you, chances are he's guilty about it.

johnayo

walkingmuch wrote: »

Hi. My best friend has gone into drink and drugs rehab in the UK for 6 weeks and to say I'm finding it hard is an understatement. Before anyone says I'm being selfish, I know he is in exactly the right place for him and getting the best help and I'm so glad about that.

My concern is that, his mum has told me they get their mobile phone back for a few hours in the evening (he is 3weeks into it). Im thinking that if he has his mobile but still not contacting me, should I be worried. The last time I saw him before he went into rehab, we left on a bad note as he was in a bad way and I had to leave the situation. He blamed my leaving for his escalation of drinking that night. That was our last contact. The lack of contact is so hard.

I have started going to Al Anon which is helpful and doing some therapy myself. This helps but I miss him so much. His mum has been to see him and told me he is doing well, but that he has not mentioned me. I would like to hear from people on either side who have been through treatment or were outside when a loved one was in treatment.

How did you deal with it, should I be worried etc?

Thanks in advance.

Maybe send him a text wishing him well and he will get that whatever time he gets his phone back. As already said, he possibly feels guilty after your last meeting.

Conservatory

Leave him alone. He was probably told to stay away from his old friends. Get your drinking sorted out.

If you care about your friend you will understand that if the two of you hang out again when he gets out of rehab chances are you will both start drinking again.

walkingmuch

Conservatory wrote: »

Leave him alone. He was probably told to stay away from his old friends. Get your drinking sorted out.

If you care about your friend you will understand that if the two of you hang out again when he gets out of rehab chances are you will both start drinking again.

Looking for helpful comments only. "If I care" is not helpful. Of course I care, hence going to therapy and Al Anon. Our friendship wasn't based around alcohol, it was an incident. Are you speaking from experience?

Conservatory

walkingmuch wrote: »

Looking for helpful comments only. "If I care" is not helpful. Of course I care, hence going to therapy and Al Anon. Our friendship wasn't based around alcohol, it was an incident. Are you speaking from experience?

It’s the most helpful advice you will get here. He will also be told not to start any new relationships with girls for a year or two.

splinter65

Conservatory wrote: »

Leave him alone. He was probably told to stay away from his old friends. Get your drinking sorted out.

If you care about your friend you will understand that if the two of you hang out again when he gets out of rehab chances are you will both start drinking again.

Nowhere does the OP say that they themselves have a drink problem or that they drank with this friend. Nowhere.

Conservatory

splinter65 wrote: »

Nowhere does the OP say that they themselves have a drink problem or that they drank with this friend. Nowhere.

He is going to al anon somewhere. Somewhere he said that. Somewhere.

walkingmuch

Conservatory wrote: »

It’s the most helpful advice you will get here. He will also be told not to start any new relationships with girls for a year or two.

Well appreciate your reply. I wasn't a drinking buddy so there's more to the story than that. So can't see why he would be told to stay away from me this is my issue. I'm guessing he may need a break from all his friends for a bit to get clear. Yes I had heard that about relationships.

walkingmuch

Conservatory wrote: »

He is going to al anon somewhere. Somewhere he said that. Somewhere.

Al Anon, is for friends and family of people with alcohol addictions!

Conservatory

walkingmuch wrote: »

Al Anon, is for friends and family of people with alcohol addictions!

Sorry I didn’t know that anyway whatever your relationship is he was probably told to just have contact with family. It’s normal in these places as far as I’m aware.

nikkibikki

He's dealing with a lot of his own issues. You could send him a text telling him you are thinking about him and you are there for him as a support.

His drinking is not your fault. He probably realises this and is gearing up to talking about that, it's part of the 12 steps I think?

You are doing the best thing for yourself and him by going to Al Anon. He will b back to you when he is ready.

splinter65

Conservatory wrote: »

He is going to al anon somewhere. Somewhere he said that. Somewhere.

Al anon is for the families and loved ones of people who abuse alcohol.

Conservatory

splinter65 wrote: »

Al anon is for the families and loved ones of people who abuse alcohol.

Is it not for the alcoholics?

Typer Monkey

Conservatory wrote: »

Is it not for the alcoholics?

No it's specifically to help people who have loved ones with addiction problems A quick Google will tell you all you need to know surely??

Conservatory

Typer Monkey wrote: »

No it's specifically to help people who have loved ones with addiction problems A quick Google will tell you all you need to know surely??

Never knew that cheers. Anyway back to the op If I need help I’ll start my own thread.

splinter65

Conservatory wrote: »

Is it not for the alcoholics?

No . AA is for alcoholics.

walkingmuch

So are they advised not to contact any friends, even very supportive ones? I'm wondering the point of them having mobiles for couple hours in evening is if this is case.

splinter65

walkingmuch wrote: »

So are they advised not to contact any friends, even very supportive ones? I'm wondering the point of them having mobiles for couple hours in evening is if this is case.

If you have kids or a sick loved one then you’d need to catch up?

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe he doesn't see you as a supportive friend just now? Or that he doesn't have the stomach to try and reach out to you. Who knows? The guy is sick and perhaps you're not someone he needs in his life just now, hard and all as that is to hear. Maybe the best thing to do is keep in touch with his mother and gauge how things are going from what she is telling you.

Just send the guy a text wishing him well and telling him you're behind him all the way. Then leave him alone, it's up to him after that and he has to do what's best for him. Don't put any pressure on him, don't tell him you're going to al-anon or that you want him to call, don't make any requests or demands at all. Just let him know that you're there if he needs you and let him sort himself out.

walkingmuch

Candie wrote: »

Just send the guy a text wishing him well and telling him you're behind him all the way. Then leave him alone, it's up to him after that and he has to do what's best for him. Don't put any pressure on him, don't tell him you're going to al-anon or that you want him to call, don't make any requests or demands at all. Just let him know that you're there if he needs you and let him sort himself out.

Ok sound advice

shafty100

id say your friend is probably going through a very rough time ,so give him some space to get through his battle , im sure when he is strong enough he will get in contact .

NinetyTwoTeam

Just gonna say I find this super weird. It's odd and unhealthy for any adult to be so dependant on a platonic friend. And as someone who has been through alcohol problems, a co-dependant person who won't let someone alone for a bit to do something as important as sort out an addiction that will ruin their life is a very dangerous person for an alcoholic to have in their life.

He'll be battling this every day for the rest of his life (though it gets much easier the longer you are off it) If you're not on board and are demanding attention (what exactly do you want from him right now?!) then you're sabatoging everything.

nthclare

Hopefully he's not in a droconian 12 step based treatment centre.
They're not healthy for some people, as they break down the addict to nothing and basically tell them it's all their fault and to forgive anyone who wronged them.
Then they tell you you're powerless over people place's and things, and suggest you stop hanging out with old friends etc.

They say one has to have a god or higher power in their livesin order to get well, and so these 12 steps are the only way to salvation.

It's a very insidious program, it has a 5% success rate.
A lot of the staff in treatment centres are exe addicts who go into social care studies after a few year's.

Granted AA has helped a lot of people but, I'd say 50% of members are under an illusion they're the chosen one's.

Anybody not in AA is considered a Normie or normal person.

There's another program which encourages the opposite to AA it's called lifering.

They have a more common sense approach to life while AA has a more woo and religious approach.

They say it's not religious, but that's not true.

A lot of AA members turn very narcissistic after a few year's, bad behaviour is justified because they handed it over to God that morning therefore if they misbehaved it's god's will.

13th stepping is something to watch out for too,.

That's where an older member man or woman takes advantage of someone who's vulnerable and not emotionally stable.

Hopefully your friend will be OK and you'll continue the friendship when they get out.

They'll probably be very raw and a bit fearful dealing with reality.

Alanon helps the friend's of addicts to detach from the addict in a way which will help them not take on the addicts problems etc

NinetyTwoTeam

I dunno if debating AA is appropriate for this thread but in terms of the 5% stat, no one knows how accurate that is actually, it's just a number you hear thrown around. the fact is all addiction is tough to beat, at the end of the day it's up to the person to make the right choices.

you do have to avoid certain people places and things to stay sober. that IS, as you say, common sense. and you don't have to become religious if it's not your thing. nor do you have to become bffs with every person in AA. some of them you won't like at all, people are flawed.

i have heard some centers can be a bit draconian, but most seem to do a good job. some people need big changes. some guys brains need to be washed a bit, they're current habits and decisions are that self destructive.

if someone has a problem, doing the 12 steps is highly unlikely to make things worse, and even if it doesn't result in sobriety right away they'll probably get something useful out of it, some insight, identification with those facing a common obstacle, etc.

nthclare

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

I dunno if debating AA is appropriate for this thread but in terms of the 5% stat, no one knows how accurate that is actually, it's just a number you hear thrown around. the fact is all addiction is tough to beat, at the end of the day it's up to the person to make the right choices.

you do have to avoid certain people places and things to stay sober. that IS, as you say, common sense. and you don't have to become religious if it's not your thing. nor do you have to become bffs with every person in AA. some of them you won't like at all, people are flawed.

i have heard some centers can be a bit draconian, but most seem to do a good job. some people need big changes. some guys brains need to be washed a bit, they're current habits and decisions are that self destructive.

if someone has a problem, doing the 12 steps is highly unlikely to make things worse, and even if it doesn't result in sobriety right away they'll probably get something useful out of it, some insight, identification with those facing a common obstacle, etc.

The 12 step programme hasn't changed since the 1930's it's a program of contradiction and damaging a lot of peoples perception of reality.

OK it helps some, but it's not regulated or fitting in with the world we live in today.

I agree this isn't a place to debate AA

But from personal experience, it's a flawed programme.

Im sober since 2001 and have seen the antics, clicks and infighting.

People sponsoring people and making their sponsees very sick.

I never sponsored anyone, Im not a psychotherapist or qualified to put someone's mental health in jepordy.

If anyone told me they're finding it hard I'd say I've been there id listen but wouldn't have any answers but if you're struggling I suggesty go to a gp or psychotherapist....

Some goon telling someone who's suicidal or depressed they'll get better if they say a few prayers and go to 90 meetings in 90 day's...fck off

I seen another member who was clinically depressed being told if he doesn't get rid of the antidepressants he's not on the program.

I won't tell you what happened when he threw away his antidepressants, the final outcome was catastrophic....

And the AA gurus responce was Ahhh sure his higher power will look after him, it was gods will...

That's the type of loons that frequent AA meetings, playing doctor and saying a ritual will make one better.

Bllsht

Eircom_Sucks

Maybe he’s not contacted you cause he might think you are the crutch for his drinking , ie when he goes out with you he gets mashed more than with others ? Just a thought

The fact you feel he should probably text would suggest you rely on him to much and maybe you go overboard at same time and you miss them nights ?

I could be 100 % wrong and not trying to be negative , but its a diff spin to think about

walkingmuch

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

Just gonna say I find this super weird. It's odd and unhealthy for any adult to be so dependant on a platonic friend. And as someone who has been through alcohol problems, a co-dependant person who won't let someone alone for a bit to do something as important as sort out an addiction that will ruin their life is a very dangerous person for an alcoholic to have in their life.

He'll be battling this every day for the rest of his life (though it gets much easier the longer you are off it) If you're not on board and are demanding attention (what exactly do you want from him right now?!) then you're sabatoging everything.

Thanks I appreciate your opinion. It's not that I'm demanding attention it's just that this is all new to me, and he was the type of person who used to contact me every day, often ringing 5/6 times a day, so when that's gone it's normal to miss him. We are very close and it's true I am probably co dependent now, but I am leaving him alone! I haven't contacted him, his mam is keeping me up to date. It's a funny one to explain but he's the type of person who hated being on his own, couldn't stand it actually, would always be texting or ringing so I got used to that and then it was cut off so abruptly, it was a shock to my system. I am going to give him this space though, he obviously needs it.

walkingmuch

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

Maybe he’s not contacted you cause he might think you are the crutch for his drinking , ie when he goes out with you he gets mashed more than with others ? Just a thought

The fact you feel he should probably text would suggest you rely on him to much and maybe you go overboard at same time and you miss them nights ?

I could be 100 % wrong and not trying to be negative , but its a diff spin to think about

I don't think I am the crutch for his drinking, in fact I've been encouraging him for the last few months when he's been off it and supporting him through as etc. I do agree that maybe I started to rely on him too much better and that's something I'm going to need to work on now. The irony is when we were friends at the beginning I would text him every so often, but he began texting and ringing every day sometimes 5/6 times a day and even more, so I became so used to this, that when it abruptly stopped as he went into rehab following a relapse, I found it hard to deal with now. I am wondering if his amount of contact was unhealthy?

walkingmuch

nthclare wrote: »

The 12 step programme hasn't changed since the 1930's it's a program of contradiction and damaging a lot of peoples perception of reality.

OK it helps some, but it's not regulated or fitting in with the world we live in today.

I agree this isn't a place to debate AA

But from personal experience, it's a flawed programme.

Im sober since 2001 and have seen the antics, clicks and infighting.

People sponsoring people and making their sponsees very sick.

I never sponsored anyone, Im not a psychotherapist or qualified to put someone's mental health in jepordy.

If anyone told me they're finding it hard I'd say I've been there id listen but wouldn't have any answers but if you're struggling I suggesty go to a gp or psychotherapist....

Some goon telling someone who's suicidal or depressed they'll get better if they say a few prayers and go to 90 meetings in 90 day's...fck off

I seen another member who was clinically depressed being told if he doesn't get rid of the antidepressants he's not on the program.

I won't tell you what happened when he threw away his antidepressants, the final outcome was catastrophic....

And the AA gurus responce was Ahhh sure his higher power will look after him, it was gods will...

That's the type of loons that frequent AA meetings, playing doctor and saying a ritual will make one better.

Bllsht

Thanks, makes a lot of sense what you said. The centre seems to be very modern and has psychologists and counsellors on 24 hour availability so hopefully it's not too AA based.