Guessed wrote: » Really? Make up your mind. I know you claim you're parking that need, but none of your posts actually show that to be true, it's all about your needs. This is a self-congratulatory plea for your heroism, claiming some supposed status as a lifesaver to support your argument. It's the clearest demonstration in your posts that you are co-dependent, you need him to be dependent so that you can signal virtue by claiming to be the one who has saved him, the very essence of co-dependency. No, we don't. We all have issues of one sort or another, but to suggest that "most" of us have co-dependency issues is nonsense, most of us aren't dependent on another person's dependency for our identity and validation. It was neither unhelpful or unnecessary, it might save a lot of grief in time, for your friend. I was convinced of what I first wrote, but now I'm also convinced that you're even more of the problem than your first posts suggested. Your friend has his phone in the evenings and hasn't contacted you, despite, according to you, being the one to initiate contact 5 or 6 times a day. That's part of a good start for him, hopefully he keeps it up. I'd suggest that the only real help you can give him now is to respect his choice not to contact you and return the favour, completely.
walkingmuch wrote: » I have stopped putting my needs first
walkingmuch wrote: » I do feel guilty about walking out on him that night and yes I want him to know that
walkingmuch wrote: » sufficed to say there were key moments he may not have been around if I hadn't been present.
walkingmuch wrote: » I am aware now also that I have codependency issues, most of us do according just my therapist
walkingmuch wrote: » As for "perhaps I didn't care", that comment was unnecessary and very unhelpful, looking for a reaction that I won't rise to.
Guessed wrote: » You jumped on the poster you were answering here as though their observation was groundless, when in fact their post made a very astute point, one you don't seem to have grasped yet. Your friend is in rehab, fighting for their health and future, but your post is about the impact on you, about what you need from the situation. You don't seem to have any insight into the fact that you are attempting to put your needs ahead of your friend's needs. Even in your last few posts, you type as though you're seeing the light, but only to blame him for being controlling and agree that he has co-dependency issues (which shows both no insight on your part and no idea what that term actually means, in this scenario, you are the one displaying co-dependency behaviours). Whatever this incident was, it appears you have a guilty conscience about it (rightly or wrongly) and you want to get you story to your friend, whether it helps them or not. You say you're going to therapy and Al Anon as though it was proof you're putting them first, but they show no such thing, they're for yourself and/or creating the impression you're helping. You also say your relationship wasn't based on alcohol, but with an alcoholic, that's actually not possible, every relationship in their lives is in some way related to or affected by their alcoholism, including the one between you and your friend. In your case, without knowing the details, it appears that you were somehow facilitating them. Perhaps you were doing that without realising, or maybe you didn't care, but either way you're going to have to stop putting your needs first and accept that their need is greater right now. If you can't be a genuine help, leave them alone.
walkingmuch wrote: » Looking for helpful comments only. "If I care" is not helpful. Of course I care, hence going to therapy and Al Anon. Our friendship wasn't based around alcohol, it was an incident. Are you speaking from experience?
Paddy Cow wrote: » I don't think you should contact him while he's in rehab. He only has 6 weeks to work on his issues and break his bad habits. He needs time to focus solely on himself. Right now he doesn't need any distractions or dramas. He needs to figure out that his codependancy on you isn't healthy for either of you. When he comes out you could send him a text wishing him well and see how it goes from there.
NinetyTwoTeam wrote: » Honestly if a platonic friend was contacting me 5-6 times a day, or was expecting me to contact them with that type frequency, we wouldn't be friends for long. It's excessive for even a relationship imo!
Ursus Horribilis wrote: » Calling/texting 5-6+ times a day is way over the top if you're just platonic friends. It's interesting you mentioned the word co-dependent because it certainly sounds like that. I was starting to wonder were you a couple or something. It's probably good for both of you that this cycle has been broken. Even your concern for him is coming across on this thread as being a bit much for someone who's just a mate.
nthclare wrote: » The 12 step programme hasn't changed since the 1930's it's a program of contradiction and damaging a lot of peoples perception of reality. OK it helps some, but it's not regulated or fitting in with the world we live in today. I agree this isn't a place to debate AA But from personal experience, it's a flawed programme. Im sober since 2001 and have seen the antics, clicks and infighting. People sponsoring people and making their sponsees very sick. I never sponsored anyone, Im not a psychotherapist or qualified to put someone's mental health in jepordy. If anyone told me they're finding it hard I'd say I've been there id listen but wouldn't have any answers but if you're struggling I suggesty go to a gp or psychotherapist.... Some goon telling someone who's suicidal or depressed they'll get better if they say a few prayers and go to 90 meetings in 90 day's...fck off I seen another member who was clinically depressed being told if he doesn't get rid of the antidepressants he's not on the program. I won't tell you what happened when he threw away his antidepressants, the final outcome was catastrophic.... And the AA gurus responce was Ahhh sure his higher power will look after him, it was gods will... That's the type of loons that frequent AA meetings, playing doctor and saying a ritual will make one better. Bllsht
Eircom_Sucks wrote: » Maybe he’s not contacted you cause he might think you are the crutch for his drinking , ie when he goes out with you he gets mashed more than with others ? Just a thought The fact you feel he should probably text would suggest you rely on him to much and maybe you go overboard at same time and you miss them nights ? I could be 100 % wrong and not trying to be negative , but its a diff spin to think about
NinetyTwoTeam wrote: » Just gonna say I find this super weird. It's odd and unhealthy for any adult to be so dependant on a platonic friend. And as someone who has been through alcohol problems, a co-dependant person who won't let someone alone for a bit to do something as important as sort out an addiction that will ruin their life is a very dangerous person for an alcoholic to have in their life. He'll be battling this every day for the rest of his life (though it gets much easier the longer you are off it) If you're not on board and are demanding attention (what exactly do you want from him right now?!) then you're sabatoging everything.
NinetyTwoTeam wrote: » I dunno if debating AA is appropriate for this thread but in terms of the 5% stat, no one knows how accurate that is actually, it's just a number you hear thrown around. the fact is all addiction is tough to beat, at the end of the day it's up to the person to make the right choices. you do have to avoid certain people places and things to stay sober. that IS, as you say, common sense. and you don't have to become religious if it's not your thing. nor do you have to become bffs with every person in AA. some of them you won't like at all, people are flawed. i have heard some centers can be a bit draconian, but most seem to do a good job. some people need big changes. some guys brains need to be washed a bit, they're current habits and decisions are that self destructive. if someone has a problem, doing the 12 steps is highly unlikely to make things worse, and even if it doesn't result in sobriety right away they'll probably get something useful out of it, some insight, identification with those facing a common obstacle, etc.
Candie wrote: » Just send the guy a text wishing him well and telling him you're behind him all the way. Then leave him alone, it's up to him after that and he has to do what's best for him. Don't put any pressure on him, don't tell him you're going to al-anon or that you want him to call, don't make any requests or demands at all. Just let him know that you're there if he needs you and let him sort himself out.
walkingmuch wrote: » So are they advised not to contact any friends, even very supportive ones? I'm wondering the point of them having mobiles for couple hours in evening is if this is case.
Conservatory wrote: » Is it not for the alcoholics?
Typer Monkey wrote: » No it's specifically to help people who have loved ones with addiction problems A quick Google will tell you all you need to know surely??
splinter65 wrote: » Al anon is for the families and loved ones of people who abuse alcohol.
![Photo of [Deleted User]](https://wb.vanillicon.com/v2/bb1b435feca4d036f6db42bb67252c40.svg)
