My friend is in alcohol rehab

Ursus Horribilis

Calling/texting 5-6+ times a day is way over the top if you're just platonic friends. It's interesting you mentioned the word co-dependent because it certainly sounds like that. I was starting to wonder were you a couple or something. It's probably good for both of you that this cycle has been broken. Even your concern for him is coming across on this thread as being a bit much for someone who's just a mate.

walkingmuch

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Calling/texting 5-6+ times a day is way over the top if you're just platonic friends. It's interesting you mentioned the word co-dependent because it certainly sounds like that. I was starting to wonder were you a couple or something. It's probably good for both of you that this cycle has been broken. Even your concern for him is coming across on this thread as being a bit much for someone who's just a mate.

Interesting to hear how it's coming across. He was the one calling that many times a day not me though,I just got used to it. My concern is for his health and for him to get well in himself whether that's with me in his life or not.

NinetyTwoTeam

Honestly if a platonic friend was contacting me 5-6 times a day, or was expecting me to contact them with that type frequency, we wouldn't be friends for long.

It's excessive for even a relationship imo!

walkingmuch

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

Honestly if a platonic friend was contacting me 5-6 times a day, or was expecting me to contact them with that type frequency, we wouldn't be friends for long.

It's excessive for even a relationship imo!

I'm learning a lot today to be honest, it's looking like he might have had control issues and I became codependent on that contact.

Paddy Cow

I don't think you should contact him while he's in rehab. He only has 6 weeks to work on his issues and break his bad habits. He needs time to focus solely on himself. Right now he doesn't need any distractions or dramas. He needs to figure out that his codependancy on you isn't healthy for either of you.

When he comes out you could send him a text wishing him well and see how it goes from there.

walkingmuch

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I don't think you should contact him while he's in rehab. He only has 6 weeks to work on his issues and break his bad habits. He needs time to focus solely on himself. Right now he doesn't need any distractions or dramas. He needs to figure out that his codependancy on you isn't healthy for either of you.

When he comes out you could send him a text wishing him well and see how it goes from there.

Yes I can see that he needs to work on himself now and his codependency so I won't be contacting him, perhaps just that text wishing him well once he's out. Thanks

LegacyUser

walkingmuch wrote: »

Looking for helpful comments only. "If I care" is not helpful. Of course I care, hence going to therapy and Al Anon. Our friendship wasn't based around alcohol, it was an incident. Are you speaking from experience?

You jumped on the poster you were answering here as though their observation was groundless, when in fact their post made a very astute point, one you don't seem to have grasped yet.
Your friend is in rehab, fighting for their health and future, but your post is about the impact on you, about what you need from the situation. You don't seem to have any insight into the fact that you are attempting to put your needs ahead of your friend's needs. Even in your last few posts, you type as though you're seeing the light, but only to blame him for being controlling and agree that he has co-dependency issues (which shows both no insight on your part and no idea what that term actually means, in this scenario, you are the one displaying co-dependency behaviours).

Whatever this incident was, it appears you have a guilty conscience about it (rightly or wrongly) and you want to get you story to your friend, whether it helps them or not. You say you're going to therapy and Al Anon as though it was proof you're putting them first, but they show no such thing, they're for yourself and/or creating the impression you're helping.
You also say your relationship wasn't based on alcohol, but with an alcoholic, that's actually not possible, every relationship in their lives is in some way related to or affected by their alcoholism, including the one between you and your friend. In your case, without knowing the details, it appears that you were somehow facilitating them. Perhaps you were doing that without realising, or maybe you didn't care, but either way you're going to have to stop putting your needs first and accept that their need is greater right now. If you can't be a genuine help, leave them alone.

walkingmuch

Guessed wrote: »

You jumped on the poster you were answering here as though their observation was groundless, when in fact their post made a very astute point, one you don't seem to have grasped yet.
Your friend is in rehab, fighting for their health and future, but your post is about the impact on you, about what you need from the situation. You don't seem to have any insight into the fact that you are attempting to put your needs ahead of your friend's needs. Even in your last few posts, you type as though you're seeing the light, but only to blame him for being controlling and agree that he has co-dependency issues (which shows both no insight on your part and no idea what that term actually means, in this scenario, you are the one displaying co-dependency behaviours).

Whatever this incident was, it appears you have a guilty conscience about it (rightly or wrongly) and you want to get you story to your friend, whether it helps them or not. You say you're going to therapy and Al Anon as though it was proof you're putting them first, but they show no such thing, they're for yourself and/or creating the impression you're helping.
You also say your relationship wasn't based on alcohol, but with an alcoholic, that's actually not possible, every relationship in their lives is in some way related to or affected by their alcoholism, including the one between you and your friend. In your case, without knowing the details, it appears that you were somehow facilitating them. Perhaps you were doing that without realising, or maybe you didn't care, but either way you're going to have to stop putting your needs first and accept that their need is greater right now. If you can't be a genuine help, leave them alone.

I have stopped putting my needs first hence not having contacted him since entering rehab. Going for therapy and all anon is completely for me to help me cope and know that I'm not going mad, he doesn't know about any of this so that point is invalid. I'm getting a lot of awareness from it. I'm definitely not attempting to put my needs ahead of his, I am looking for help in an unfamiliar situation which I know I am justified in doing, I'd rather do it here than to be texting him or his family. I am aware now also that I have codependency issues, most of us do according just my therapist. Yes I do feel guilty about walking out on him that night and yes I want him to know that, shoot me I'm human, but all the advice I've been given since has been thatI did the safest thing. Doesn't feel like it though. However I will park my need to explain this to him, as he has to focus on him and realise it himself. I suppose as you are not in the situation or know the extent to which I've been there as a support it can look from outside I could have been a facilitator, but sufficed to say there were key moments he may not have been around if I hadn't been present. As for "perhaps I didn't care", that comment was unnecessary and very unhelpful, looking for a reaction that I won't rise to.

LegacyUser

walkingmuch wrote: »

I have stopped putting my needs first

Really?

walkingmuch wrote: »

I do feel guilty about walking out on him that night and yes I want him to know that

Make up your mind. I know you claim you're parking that need, but none of your posts actually show that to be true, it's all about your needs.

walkingmuch wrote: »

sufficed to say there were key moments he may not have been around if I hadn't been present.

This is a self-congratulatory plea for your heroism, claiming some supposed status as a lifesaver to support your argument. It's the clearest demonstration in your posts that you are co-dependent, you need him to be dependent so that you can signal virtue by claiming to be the one who has saved him, the very essence of co-dependency.

walkingmuch wrote: »

I am aware now also that I have codependency issues, most of us do according just my therapist

No, we don't. We all have issues of one sort or another, but to suggest that "most" of us have co-dependency issues is nonsense, most of us aren't dependent on another person's dependency for our identity and validation.

walkingmuch wrote: »

As for "perhaps I didn't care", that comment was unnecessary and very unhelpful, looking for a reaction that I won't rise to.

It was neither unhelpful or unnecessary, it might save a lot of grief in time, for your friend.

I was convinced of what I first wrote, but now I'm also convinced that you're even more of the problem than your first posts suggested. Your friend has his phone in the evenings and hasn't contacted you, despite, according to you, being the one to initiate contact 5 or 6 times a day. That's part of a good start for him, hopefully he keeps it up. I'd suggest that the only real help you can give him now is to respect his choice not to contact you and return the favour, completely.

walkingmuch

Guessed wrote: »

Really?



Make up your mind. I know you claim you're parking that need, but none of your posts actually show that to be true, it's all about your needs.



This is a self-congratulatory plea for your heroism, claiming some supposed status as a lifesaver to support your argument. It's the clearest demonstration in your posts that you are co-dependent, you need him to be dependent so that you can signal virtue by claiming to be the one who has saved him, the very essence of co-dependency.



No, we don't. We all have issues of one sort or another, but to suggest that "most" of us have co-dependency issues is nonsense, most of us aren't dependent on another person's dependency for our identity and validation.



It was neither unhelpful or unnecessary, it might save a lot of grief in time, for your friend.

I was convinced of what I first wrote, but now I'm also convinced that you're even more of the problem than your first posts suggested. Your friend has his phone in the evenings and hasn't contacted you, despite, according to you, being the one to initiate contact 5 or 6 times a day. That's part of a good start for him, hopefully he keeps it up. I'd suggest that the only real help you can give him now is to respect his choice not to contact you and return the favour, completely.

All very unhelpful. Always the "guest" contributes that are the biggest abusers. Not explsing to you any further.

Big Bag of Chips

walkingmuch, if you have an issue with a post report it. "Guest" posts have to be pre-approved by moderators before they appear on site, which means a moderator has read the post and agrees it is valid. (Sometimes 'guest' posts don't get approved).

You may not always like the advice and opinion you read here, but that doesn't mean it is not valid, and it certainly does not mean posters can be classed as abusers.

Personal Issues is a very helpful forum for people looking for advice from impartial strangers. Oftentimes friends and family just tell us what we want to hear. I hope you continue to post. A lot of posters here, have a lot of experience in similar situations. You may not heed all the advice, that of course is your prerogative.

Big Bag of Chips

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