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Girlfriend Cheated...sort of

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    #122
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP have you dated many other women, and has your girlfriend had many other partners before you?


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    #123
    Kuva
    Closed Accounts Posts: 870 ✭✭✭Kuva


    Axwell wrote: »
    Were there any other photos in the album

    He said their wasn't. She kept them as slag/craic material.

    Try the temporary separation.


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    #124
    Kuva
    Closed Accounts Posts: 870 ✭✭✭Kuva


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    OP have you dated many other women, and has your girlfriend had many other partners before you?

    Why ask that?


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    #125
    Rikand
    Registered Users Posts: 20,351 ✭✭✭✭Rikand


    This is going on for 3 months now and appears to have gotten more or less nowhere.

    Just break up with her. For your sake and hers. It sounds like a toxic situation to be living in.


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    #126
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I think its important. A person's breadth of experience with relationships can have a significant bearing on how they handle certain situations within a relationship.


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    #127
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Faith wrote: »
    Think, if the situations were reversed and you were trying to prove your innocence, would you get angry if your girlfriend asked you questions that gave you the chance to save your relationship?

    If it was three months of probing when I wasn't guilty in the first place you can bet I'd be angry. Is she supposed to keep grovelling, and for how long?

    Take it or leave it. If you still can't take her explanation, leave. It will be for the best.


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    #128
    HarryGa
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭HarryGa


    Deleted User wrote: »
    OP have you dated many other women, and has your girlfriend had many other partners before you?

    I had a 4 year relationship before this, she wanted to settle and have kids and I knew she wasn't the one so ended it. If by dated you mean, meeting once or twice or for a few weeks etc then probably 20 +.

    My girlfriend has had 3 previous boyfriends, 2 were when she was late teens early twenties and lasted maybe a year and the third one was for 5 years.


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    #129
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,587 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Either she has been lying to you for 3 months, or else you have been stressing her (and yourself) out unfairly for 3 months. Must be horrible for both of you.

    It sounds like you'll never sort it out in a way that both of you can move on from.


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    #130
    HarryGa
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭HarryGa


    osarusan wrote: »
    Either she has been lying to you for 3 months, or else you have been stressing her (and yourself) out unfairly for 3 months. Must be horrible for both of you.

    It sounds like you'll never sort it out in a way that both of you can move on from.

    Ya, it's a nightmare situation. If it was clearer either way then it'd be easier...but the fact that I don't know whats happened means I'll always have my doubts whatever I decide. But it can't go on like this and I just can't seem to completely get over it.


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    #131
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It's not the fact that you don't know what happened that's the problem. It's that you don't believe what your girlfriend told you.


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    #132
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,873 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The one thing there's regularly said is that a cheat/liar so only admit to what they've actually been caught out on and can't deny. Nobody here knows your girlfriend at all. You've been with her 6 years so you are the one best placed to know if her behaviour is a bit off. There's obviously something (a lot) about this whole thing that has your spidey sense tingling.

    At the end of the day you no longer trust what she is telling you. Whether or not you are right or wrong is irrelevant, the fact is the trust has been broken and it seems after 3 months it's not being repaired.

    Are you happy to continue on as you are for the foreseeable future? Because she's not going to admit to cheating (whether she did or not). So what you have now is what you are going to have next year and in 5 years time and in 20 years time. So if you can't accept living like this indefinitely, then you need to move on.. Regardless of who is right or wrong.

    There is no right or wrong decision, really. Just what is the right decision for you.


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    #133
    HarryGa
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭HarryGa


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    It's not the fact that you don't know what happened that's the problem. It's that you don't believe what your girlfriend told you.

    I want to. But because she lied about the situation many times and then the fact it doesn't add up, it makes me question it. I try to put it out of my head but invariably it comes up again down the line.


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    #134
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    What is your gut telling you? Do you feel, deep down, that she cheated in some way?


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    #135
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    strandroad wrote: »
    If it was three months of probing when I wasn't guilty in the first place you can bet I'd be angry. Is she supposed to keep grovelling, and for how long?

    That's fair. Maybe I just missed it, or forgot with the passage of time, but did she actually apologise or "grovel" at the beginning? I reread the original post and the OP said she consistently lied, only giving him bits of information and only actually giving those when she knew the gig was up.


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    #136
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Faith wrote: »
    That's fair. Maybe I just missed it, or forgot with the passage of time, but did she actually apologise or "grovel" at the beginning? I reread the original post and the OP said she consistently lied, only giving him bits of information and only actually giving those when she knew the gig was up.

    He said that she was upset and crying for a month.
    He also impersonated her in messages and the man's reply confirmed that she has not cheated on the OP, yet he keeps going at it.

    It's such a toxic relationship that I see no reason to continue it... there is no trust left. In any therapy you go to after someone has actually cheated you learn that there is no point continuing if the other side continues to hold it over the offender's head. It's either that you can work to move on or you need to split.


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    #137
    messy tessy
    Registered Users Posts: 889 ✭✭✭messy tessy


    bubblypop wrote: »
    The title says your girlfriend cheated..... Sort of.
    She didn't. Not in any kind of way.
    She didn't tell you that some married bloke where she works is sleazing onto her, why? Maybe she is afraid of your reaction?
    Maybe she is right.

    This sums up the thread perfectly.

    I genuinely feel sorry for the girlfriend here, I hope she realises at some point this 'relationship' is not normal and gets out.


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    #138
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    HarryGa wrote:
    She's trying to carry on as normal. She's not being secretive about stuff but if I do have any questions with regards to it she sort of loses her patience and gets angry. She is telling me to do whatever I need to do to find out the truth.

    Sounds like you are utterly wrecking her head at this stage. I don't blame her TBH.


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    #139
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Here's my best guess ... I think you believe there was more to this than her not wanting to upset you and you are probably correct. You want to have kids with this woman and spend the rest of your life with her, but you are wasting your time IMO. That is a huge commitment to make with someone you don't trust. Even if nothing happened, which is quite possible, the trust is gone. Move on with your lives.


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    #140
    HarryGa
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭HarryGa


    professore wrote: »
    Here's my best guess ... I think you believe there was more to this than her not wanting to upset you and you are probably correct. You want to have kids with this woman and spend the rest of your life with her, but you are wasting your time IMO. That is a huge commitment to make with someone you don't trust. Even if nothing happened, which is quite possible, the trust is gone. Move on with your lives.

    Yea that's pretty much it. I just don't think you'd go to those lengths to hide something you've never hidden before.


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    #141
    SimpleDimples
    Registered Users Posts: 225 ✭✭SimpleDimples


    Whether or not she is innocent, you will never know but there's no doubt that if she is and you cannot get over this, you will end up pushing her away by how you are acting.

    Either make your peace with it or break up with her.


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    #142
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HarryGa wrote: »
    But she lied Caranica, so the trust thing has every right to be questioned. I'm not saying that justifies impersonating her but of course I'm going to question her when I know she's lied.

    Alright OP lets pretend we can time travel and we go back to the first time her co-worker sent her a photo and she came straight to you and told you what happened and told you to let her handle it as shes the one who has to work there not you. What would you have done and be honest. Would have trusted her to handle it or would have contacted this guy? She's also been in the relationship for 6 years so clearly knows you and from how you reacted - snooping in her phone, sending messages from her phone etc etc She clearly didn't want attention from this twat but equally didn't want to deal with your jealousy and over reaction.

    I work in a large office and the politics there can be frustrating and confusing for those who don't work there. I dislike several co-workers but have to work with them so play nice. I know if I make any waves or worse my husband came storming in to 'defend me' I'd be sidelined so quickly and would have no chance of progressing my career but it would be done in such a way that I'd have no proof or comeback. It's no right but that's the reality of a lot of office spaces.


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    #143
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    HarryGa wrote: »
    Thank you, he admitted to kissing her and her pulling away through text that he believed were from her but were actually sent by me. So he wasn't aware he was admitting it to me
    My girlfriend knows that I messaged pretending to be her because the man called her the following day to clarify.

    I'm not sure how much contact went on between them.

    When I messaged the guy regarding the kiss he said it was a 4-5 second kiss then she pushed him away. But instead of telling me she continued to contact and call him (she claims this was to make sure he hid the truth from me)

    When I've asked her about it she told me initially they didn't even touch lips and now she's saying it was less than a second.

    This reads like you used her phone to text him on the sly and he rang her the next day and you got rumbled.

    Your gf is a saint to put up with you.

    If I was her I would dump you for this sort of behaviour and lack of trust.

    Everyone here is telling you she has done nothing wrong and you argue with them.

    You havent let it go for three months trying to justify your petty insecure irrational behaviour.


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    #144
    Kuva
    Closed Accounts Posts: 870 ✭✭✭Kuva


    Mr. Incognito wrote: »
    This reads like you used her phone to text him on the sly and he rang her the next day and you got rumbled.

    Your gf is a saint to put up with you.

    If I was her I would dump you for this sort of behaviour and lack of trust.

    Everyone here is telling you she has done nothing wrong and you argue with them.

    You havent let it go for three months trying to justify your petty insecure irrational behaviour.
    You need to read the thread before posting.


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    #145
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    This is what trust is: when there are odd things that perhaps can’t be explained, do you believe your girlfriend was out trying to **** another guy or emotionally cheat? Forget about this issue, using the rest of the relationship as evidence, do you trust her?

    If no, then for god’s sake let her go today.

    This issue is a dead end. You asked her for an explanation about why she kept the pictures, she told you it was for slagging. There’s your explanation. Case closed if you want it to be. But you don’t accept or believe it, grand you might be right. I think it’s a crazy thing to throw an otherwise good relationship away for, but I also don’t know her or the million other things separate to this that led you to not believe her, so if I did I may also feel how you feel OP.

    You say you’re not jealous/possessive/controlling and are quite laid back OP. Fine. I think all evidence in this thread suggests that may not be the case, and you’d be hard pressed to find many people who’d willfully describe themselves as jealous and possessive, but I’ll take that at face value. Here’s the thing: even if you were the most laid back guy ever, you ARE becoming all of the above before our eyes because of this. Who asks a partner to account for the origin of their ****ing Camera Roll folders like?!! That’s mental! If you’re at that stage, the relationship is already over bar the screaming and all that needs to happen is both parties accept it. So accept it. You might be right, you might be wrong, but either way this is now toxic and over so make it so and both move on with your lives with a fresh start.


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    #146
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    HarryGa wrote: »
    osarusan wrote: »
    Either she has been lying to you for 3 months, or else you have been stressing her (and yourself) out unfairly for 3 months. Must be horrible for both of you.

    It sounds like you'll never sort it out in a way that both of you can move on from.

    Ya, it's a nightmare situation. If it was clearer either way then it'd be easier...but the fact that I don't know whats happened means I'll always have my doubts whatever I decide. But it can't go on like this and I just can't seem to completely get over it.
    It might only seem like a nightmare situation at the minute OP. Whatever happens, sometime in the future you will look back on this, and put it down to one of the things life throws at us now and again.


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    #147
    HarryGa
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭HarryGa


    leggo wrote: »
    This is what trust is: when there are odd things that perhaps can’t be explained, do you believe your girlfriend was out trying to **** another guy or emotionally cheat? Forget about this issue, using the rest of the relationship as evidence, do you trust her?

    If no, then for god’s sake let her go today.

    This issue is a dead end. You asked her for an explanation about why she kept the pictures, she told you it was for slagging. There’s your explanation. Case closed if you want it to be. But you don’t accept or believe it, grand you might be right. I think it’s a crazy thing to throw an otherwise good relationship away for, but I also don’t know her or the million other things separate to this that led you to not believe her, so if I did I may also feel how you feel OP.

    You say you’re not jealous/possessive/controlling and are quite laid back OP. Fine. I think all evidence in this thread suggests that may not be the case, and you’d be hard pressed to find many people who’d willfully describe themselves as jealous and possessive, but I’ll take that at face value. Here’s the thing: even if you were the most laid back guy ever, you ARE becoming all of the above before our eyes because of this. Who asks a partner to account for the origin of their ****ing Camera Roll folders like?!! That’s mental! If you’re at that stage, the relationship is already over bar the screaming and all that needs to happen is both parties accept it. So accept it. You might be right, you might be wrong, but either way this is now toxic and over so make it so and both move on with your lives with a fresh start.

    I accept that. I have become very insecure and crazy, no doubt about it.

    I didn't ask for her to explain her camera roll. I was looking through her pictures to find a certain photo, she knew about this and was sitting on the couch next to me. I then came across two selfies of this guy she clearly forgot she had saved. I know her whatsapp media does't back up, neither does mine...I never had to ask her about this.

    I completely accept that most people wouldn't describe themselves as jealous/possessive/controlling...but we've never had a situation like this before where either of us have hid stuff, we've both had messages or texts from the opposite sex trying it on or being inappropriate and there's never been an issue.

    If I thought it was reasonable that she would think that this would be my reaction then I would accept that. But she had no reason to think I'd have gotten annoyed about this guy trying his case, far better looking and better "catches" have tried and it hasn't bothered me.

    I've told the story as fairly as I possible can in the hope of getting some unbiased feedback. I want to believe this is all just a misunderstanding


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    #148
    lunamoon
    Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    HarryGa wrote: »
    I've told the story as fairly as I possible can in the hope of getting some unbiased feedback. I want to believe this is all just a misunderstanding

    TBH, I don't think you do want to believe it's all just a misunderstanding. You want more details, you want to try catch her out.

    You say she had no reason to hide it from you as you've never reacted like this before but honestly, she probably knows you better than you know yourself and would know you'd react badly.

    I think after all this time if it's still beating you up inside you need to end it.


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    #149
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    HarryGa wrote: »
    I've told the story as fairly as I possible can in the hope of getting some unbiased feedback. I want to believe this is all just a misunderstanding

    IMO you were totally out of line from the beginning and caused the whole situation to escalate.

    You threatened to call her work colleague to question him about sending her a photo? This would have been end of situation and relationship for me.

    Adults do not threaten to call each others work colleagues to cause a bit of drama.

    That is ridiculous behaviour. Youre not her keeper. Youve an awful cheek to think that you have the right to call someone you dont know to question them as to why they are contacting your partner.

    And then to impersonate her to get information out of him? Seriously?

    You need to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are behaving.


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    #150
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    With all of this snooping behavior OP, there's a good chance your girlfriend looks at you differently than before. You definitely see her differently.

    This relationship sounds changed for the worst and isn't going back to what it was. You now see her as someone who possibly cheated, she might now see you as controlling, possessive and highly jealous. None of these are ideal attributes that a girl wants to see in her man. And you don't want to be looking at her seeing a dishonest cheater.

    If you really can't get past this OP, the relationship is fúcked. Even if you can, you've possibly gone too far in her eyes.


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    #151
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,993 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    In your opening post, you say that your girlfriend told the colleague not to say anything to you because if you found out you would ask her to change jobs.

    Is that true? Would you have asked her to change jobs?

    The question at the end of your post isn't about the relationship and moving on, it's about whether you will look weak if you forgive and it turns out she was up to something.

    I'm not sure whether there is a bit of control There?

    I have to say though, I am seeing your point. She did twist things a lot when originally challenged, but does that mean she lied for the reasons you think? Could she have lied to keep the peace?

    You saw the shenanigans that went on on the first night out, so maybe you're judging her by their standards, instead of trusting her by her own?

    Maybe I read you wrong, but is the sequence of events that:-

    - he messaged her with a few selfies
    - she responded
    - You found out and threatened to ring him
    - She rang him
    - next day they had a private conversation where he tried to kiss her?
    - you messaged him pretending to be her and found out about the kiss?

    If it was all innocent and she messaged him to tell him to get lost, why would he try to kiss her?

    If I was you and only got the truth (or skme version of it) from dragging teeth, whether fear of your reaction not, it wouldn't sit easy with me either.


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