Girlfriend Cheated...sort of

Ursus Horribilis

It's nearly 3 months since you started this thread and you don't seem to be any further along the line than you were in June. Are you still with your girlfriend? Do you see a future with her? It's clear that this is still eating you up. How much more of this can you and the relationship take?

HarryGa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's nearly 3 months since you started this thread and you don't seem to be any further along the line than you were in June. Are you still with your girlfriend? Do you see a future with her? It's clear that this is still eating you up. How much more of this can you and the relationship take?

Yes we are still together.

100% see a future with her aside from this which has come completely out of nowhere. I was very happy in the relationship besides this. We had spoken about getting married and I wanted children and everything with her. But if there is more to it then I obviously can't have any of those things with her.

Yes it is eating me up, completely to be honest. If it was clear cut either way then I could move past it. If she cheated then I would 100% walk and never look back, she also knows this so if she has, which I'm not saying she has, but if she has she will never admit to it because she knows it would be over.

I hate the uncertainty. It's the worst situation I've ever been put in because I'm either being a really sh*tty boyfriend and not getting over this and trusting my girlfriend or else I'm being a complete sucker for staying with her. At the minute I feel like a bit of both.

Caranica

Please end it. She deserves better. You will hold this against her forever if it's eating you up like this already.

HarryGa

Caranica wrote: »

Please end it. She deserves better. You will hold this against her forever if it's eating you up like this already.

I think thats a bit harsh on me Caranica. You might be right about me having to end it but saying she deserves better is a bit over the top.

I accept I'm struggling to move past it. It doesn't add up or make sense, why would someone do the things listed above, I could argue that I also deserve better. Unfortunately this is life, people make mistakes, ending the relationship depends on how big the mistake on this occasion was, or me not ever being able to get over it...but I don't think it's because she deserves better because I'm struggling to accept some things that don't make complete sense.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah but you don't 100% see a future with her if this is eating you up. This is a cancer that is destroying your relationship. Nobody here can tell you for certain if she cheated or didn't. We've all got our own takes on what you told us. More importantly, you can't come up with an answer that sits easily with you either. So you're still sitting on that fence. Can you see a time when you won't be sitting on that fence? What needs to happen?

HarryGa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Ah but you don't 100% see a future with her if this is eating you up. This is a cancer that is destroying your relationship. Nobody here can tell you for certain if she cheated or didn't. We've all got our own takes on what you told us. More importantly, you can't come up with an answer that sits easily with you either. So you're still sitting on that fence. Can you see a time when you won't be sitting on that fence? What needs to happen?

No I can't see a time to be honest with the information I have at the minute.

It'll kill me to walk away, because up until this we were great, and I'll walk away never knowing...but I can't stay either if I think she might have.

The truth is up until this she never gave me a reason to suspect she would ever cheat.

But likewise I never gave her a reason to think I would be jealous of her messaging a colleague. So it doesn't add up

I wouldn't bother coming on here and asking for peoples opinions if I was twisting the truth. I would clearly only get a one sided response which wouldn't be helpful. If I was a crazed jealous and insecure boyfriend then I completely understand why she might hide it. But I'm not and she has been in similar positions before and not hid it.

IHeartShoes

‘I'm still struggling to get my head around why she would save the photos?’

Maybe she forgot they were there because they weren’t that big a deal to her? I’ll bet she’s desperately sorry she didn’t delete them now but who knew you’d react like this? I have tonnes of random photos on my photo that might not reflect well on me if taken out of context. Or maybe the photos were an ego boost. Not the greatest crime.

‘I'm also struggling to understand how or why a married man would try and kiss a woman when he knows her boyfriend is on to him and could tell his wife. This doesn't make sense, I understand she's not responsible for his actions but that's complete madness.’

How could you make sense of someone else’s actions or what’s going on in his head? Maybe be he’s infatuated with your GF and it was worth the risk? Maybe he wants out of his marriage and is too cowardly to leave so wants someone else to pull the trigger? Is it that important? All that is important here is that your GF didn’t respond. Not the behaviour of some who is tempted or having an affair. This one is not worth wasting anymore energy over.

I think you have to just make a decision here and stop the analysis. Trust her and move on. Take the risk if she’s as worth it as you initially thought. If you’re wrong, then you’ll find out sooner rather than later. Maybe you’re more worried about what others might think if you are perceived to be ‘a sucker’?

Or just break up if you don’t trust her anymore. Just make a decision.

If it were me, I would make that decision for you. Could not cope with the indecision, over analysis or second guessing me.

It will work out for the best.

HarryGa

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Maybe she forgot they were there because they weren’t that big a deal to her? I’ll bet she’s desperately sorry she didn’t delete them now but who knew you’d react like this? I have tonnes of random photos on my photo that might not reflect well on me if taken out of context. Or maybe the photos were an ego boost. Not the greatest crime.

They were in a separate album in her camera roll...absolutely understand why she might have been flatter but to go out of your way and save the pics while deleting the chat is just weird and doesn't make sense.

My girlfriend says she didn't respond, and maybe she didn't. But there was a late night call that could easily have been the two of them getting their story straight.

Taking everything she has said at face value is great, but she lied many times about this so why believe these things.

Caranica

HarryGa wrote: »

I think thats a bit harsh on me Caranica. You might be right about me having to end it but saying she deserves better is a bit over the top.

I accept I'm struggling to move past it. It doesn't add up or make sense, why would someone do the things listed above, I could argue that I also deserve better. Unfortunately this is life, people make mistakes, ending the relationship depends on how big the mistake on this occasion was, or me not ever being able to get over it...but I don't think it's because she deserves better because I'm struggling to accept some things that don't make complete sense.

See my post of 30th June. You snooped on her phone. You sent messages impersonating her and now you say you can't get over what she may or may not have done? She has given you six years of her life and you won't trust her.

A grain of sand can become a pearl because it irritates and grows and grows. This has got under your skin and whether there's any truth in what you believe or not, it's changed your relationship and not for the better. Three months on and it hasn't gone away. Time to call it a day for both of you.

HarryGa

Caranica wrote: »

See my post of 30th June. You snooped on her phone. You sent messages impersonating her and now you say you can't get over what she may or may not have done? She has given you six years of her life and you won't trust her.

A grain of sand can become a pearl because it irritates and grows and grows. This has got under your skin and whether there's any truth in what you believe or not, it's changed your relationship and not for the better. Three months on and it hasn't gone away. Time to call it a day for both of you.

But she lied Caranica, so the trust thing has every right to be questioned. I'm not saying that justifies impersonating her but of course I'm going to question her when I know she's lied.

I also gave 6 years of my life, and I want to know happened if I'm to give many more years.

Tandey

Lying about or not telling your boyfriend about a guy attempting to kiss you is never going to end well. Especially when she works with him every day. Feel for you op. Who knows what else she has lied about in the past.

Big Bag of Chips

If this is something you can't get passed then I think you have no choice but to end the relationship. You simply cannot go on living like this. You feel that what she is telling you isn't adding up. People are often told to listen to their gut. Your gut is telling you something isn't quite right.

You might be wrong, and you might be throwing away a good relationship, but without any hard evidence all you have to go on is your gut feeling. Your gf may very well have been inappropriate with a colleague. She may not have gone so far as cheating on you, but she may have allowed things to develop to a stage where she was disrespecting you and your relationship.

Or she may have done nothing at all, and was caught up in another man's mess...

But the reality is, if this is something that you cannot get past, then your relationship probably won't last anyway. If it doesn't end because of what she did, then it will end because of your inability to move on.

I think you should end the relationship. Even temporarily. Take a break from each other, completely. No contact. And see are you happier away from her, or do you really want to be with her. If you find that you do want to be with her, that you feel you do want a future, then you agree to get back together and completely move on from this incident. It should not be brought up again.

Springfields

HarryGa wrote: »

But she lied Caranica, so the trust thing has every right to be questioned. I'm not saying that justifies impersonating her but of course I'm going to question her when I know she's lied.

I also gave 6 years of my life, and I want to know happened if I'm to give many more years.

So you can't move on and forget so it's time to call it a day....why drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out when you are not willing to accept her version of events...you are just torturing yourself and her now by dragging this out. If ye are ment to be together you will be but maybe not just right now... and I know 6 years is a long time..but what's the point in holding on when bye are both miserable.
And you can't know what way it turns out if ye stay together...no one knows...you can't have the answers that you are looking for. There are no guarantees unfortunately.

HarryGa

Ya that's the unfortunate part. I know deep down I have to end it, and I know it'll take me a long time to get over this...the not knowing am I throwing away something great part is heartbreaking.

HarryGa

HarryGa wrote: »

Ya that's the unfortunate part. I know deep down I have to end it, and I know it'll take me a long time to get over this...the not knowing am I throwing away something great part is heartbreaking.

But you seem happy to throw away the relationship. You don't want to get over it.
Your doubts are more important to you than making it work.
So, yes, you are probably doing the right thing.

HarryGa

bubblypop wrote: »

But you seem happy to throw away the relationship. You don't want to get over it.
Your doubts are more important to you than making it work.
So, yes, you are probably doing the right thing.

I appreciate it seems like that. This is what she is saying also. I have genuinely tried to but I can't. Every few days it just pops into my head, I questioned the things that don't make sense and think there must be more to it. I really wish I could switch it off.

Faith

The thing is, for me, is if I were caught up in a situation in which i looked like I had cheated on my husband, but I hadn’t, I would go to the ends of this earth to make sure he knew that and understood. I would never stop explaining and doing whatever it took to ensure the trust wasn’t permanently damaged.

How is your girlfriend behaving these days? Is she carrying on as business as usual? Is she doing anything to reassure you that she wasn’t cheating? I think that’s what would be most telling for me, tbh.

HarryGa

Faith wrote: »

The thing is, for me, is if I were caught up in a situation in which i looked like I had cheated on my husband, but I hadn’t, I would go to the ends of this earth to make sure he knew that and understood. I would never stop explaining and doing whatever it took to ensure the trust wasn’t permanently damaged.

How is your girlfriend behaving these days? Is she carrying on as business as usual? Is she doing anything to reassure you that she wasn’t cheating? I think that’s what would be most telling for me, tbh.

She's trying to carry on as normal. She's not being secretive about stuff but if I do have any questions with regards to it she sort of loses her patience and gets angry. She is telling me to do whatever I need to do to find out the truth.

But the problem is, if more has happened, and I'm not saying it has, but if it has then they both have their stories straight and probably the only way to get to the bottom of it is to go through his wife...which is something I absolutely do not want to do, not only because of his wife but because of his kids also.

Axwell

When you say she saved the photos to a separate album, are you sure its an album she went and created and put them in herself and not one from say whatsapp where she deleted the messages and the images just automatically got saved? On my phone any media on whatsapp automatically gets saved to a second folder as well as the camera roll.

HarryGa

Axwell wrote: »

When you say she saved the photos to a separate album, are you sure its an album she went and created and put them in herself and not one from say whatsapp where she deleted the messages and the images just automatically got saved? On my phone any media on whatsapp automatically gets saved to a second folder as well as the camera roll.

The media from her whatsapp doesn't save to her camera roll, and it wasn't in her normal camera roll...it was a separate album she obviously thought I wouldn't see

Peatys

HarryGa wrote: »

The media from her whatsapp doesn't save to her camera roll, and it wasn't in her normal camera roll...it was a separate album she obviously thought I wouldn't see

Don't know the specifics, but just for example, i didn't create any of the folders on my phone, they were created automatically..

ThunbergsAreGo

HarryGa wrote: »

The media from her whatsapp doesn't save to her camera roll, and it wasn't in her normal camera roll...it was a separate album she obviously thought I wouldn't see

Whatsapp saves all messages automatically

She didn't save them and probably didn't give them a second thought

Try it yourself, every message you have been sent in WhatsApp is saved

Ursus Horribilis

I changed my phone a few months ago. Even my old Whstsapps came across once I logged in. Like the others, my Android phone stores its pictures in all sorts of automatically created folders. I've never bothered to create a new folder manually.

HarryGa

Peatys wrote: »

Don't know the specifics, but just for example, i didn't create any of the folders on my phone, they were created automatically..

She has turned off saving whatsapp media automatically and the pictures were both in an untitled folder with no other pictures in them. Trust me I would love if there was a reasonable explanation for it that made sense. Her reasoning was she saved them cause she might have wanted to slag back in future or whatever.

Ursus Horribilis

If you've gone the deep into her WhatsApp settings to be able to tell us that, I'm not sure there is any way back. If my boyfriend did that to me, I'm not sure I'd ever trust him again. You don't trust her, do you?

Faith

HarryGa wrote: »

She's trying to carry on as normal. She's not being secretive about stuff but if I do have any questions with regards to it she sort of loses her patience and gets angry. She is telling me to do whatever I need to do to find out the truth.

For me, this is the biggest red flag. I know when my husband is lying about something because he gets angry when I probe. When he’s not lying, he doesn’t get angry with my questions.

The only time I have ever had reason to suspect that someone was cheating on me was when I saw messages that weren’t totally innocent. I asked about it and was greeted with denial, then minimization (“she’s just a friend”, “you’re reading too much into it”) and then anger. Even though there was never physical cheating, there had been emotional infidelity and it was his reactions that gave it away.

Think, if the situations were reversed and you were trying to prove your innocence, would you get angry if your girlfriend asked you questions that gave you the chance to save your relationship?

HarryGa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If you've gone the deep into her WhatsApp settings to be able to tell us that, I'm not sure there is any way back. If my boyfriend did that to me, I'm not sure I'd ever trust him again. You don't trust her, do you?

I didn't dig into her whatsapp, I know she hasn't them backed up to her camera, neither do I, because she's said it before. It takes up far too much storage with all the videos and stuff sent in by groups. I didn't have to check for this because I already knew it.

HarryGa

Faith wrote: »

For me, this is the biggest red flag. I know when my husband is lying about something because he gets angry when I probe. When he’s not lying, he doesn’t get angry with my questions.

The only time I have ever had reason to suspect that someone was cheating on me was when I saw messages that weren’t totally innocent. I asked about it and was greeted with denial, then minimization (“she’s just a friend”, “you’re reading too much into it”) and then anger. Even though there was never physical cheating, there had been emotional infidelity and it was his reactions that gave it away.

Think, if the situations were reversed and you were trying to prove your innocence, would you get angry if your girlfriend asked you questions that gave you the chance to save your relationship?

Yea that's my reaction too. I would do whatever it took to prove I was innocent. She's said I now know everything and she's tired of going over everything again and again

Axwell

HarryGa wrote: »

The media from her whatsapp doesn't save to her camera roll, and it wasn't in her normal camera roll...it was a separate album she obviously thought I wouldn't see

Were there any other photos in the album

HarryGa

Axwell wrote: »

Were there any other photos in the album

No just the two he sent her. And I then checked to see if this was normal and maybe there was other albums similar but that was the only album like that in the camera roll. Her explanation for it was she deleted the conversation incase I ever seen it but saved the photos to slag in future if she needed.

It doesn't make one bit of sense...her explanation or saving normal photos of a guy that she sees every day at work.

That's the problem with the entire thing...it doesn't make sense or add up! I've tried to see it from every side.