Girlfriend Cheated...sort of

HarryGa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ok, I wasn't sure whether he knew it was you.

Well then you know he tried it on, and you know she told him no. All this 'me too' stuff going on should make you realise how often men give unwanted attention to women, and how sometimes the woman can feel too uncomfortable to outright say "I'm not interested".

It's all well and good saying "all she has to do is x, y, z", "she should have done a, b, c".. oftentimes it's not that easy. If there's a culture of 'banter' in a place, and there are lots of long standing employees who all know each other and are comfortable with each other and all have this sort of relationship going on (I don't mean going as far as cheating, I mean harmless flirting and innuendo) then it can be difficult as a new person to come into that and assert your authority that you will not tolerate it.

If there's a very flirty atmosphere in the company, then maybe your gf felt very uncomfortable, but unable to stop this man's advances. If that is what happened, then whether he knows you or not, you should absolutely have a problem with him! Now people can argue, if your gf didn't give him an outright 'no', then how was he to know she was uncomfortable, but the other side of that is if he made your gf feel uncomfortable then she didn't feel confident enough to give him an outright no and hoped he'd just eventually get the message.

It's a very complicated scenario, and if you messaging this man, as your gf, has confirmed that she did nothing wrong, then that's that.

You cannot blame your gf for the actions of someone else. And you cannot blame her for not immediately telling him to back off and leave her alone. It's not always that easy, as a woman on the receiving end.

I absolutely get that. What I'm worried about is that she was messaging him and lied, then tried to cover it up and also lied when I asked has anything inappropriate happened between them

Bullocks

HarryGa wrote: »

I wasn't saying this in an angry way at all...I was only trying to paint a picture. He isn't an attractive male and she is an attractive female, if he were very attractive then it would make more sense that she might have something going on with him.

I'm also not angry towards him, he doesn't know me, he's not in a relationship with me and so owes me nothing...

I'd say he could owe you a lot if you threatened to tell his wife about his carry on.

Big Bag of Chips

But she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She knew "admitting" anything to you was going to throw all this up. Her messaging him, could have been her being polite. You saw the messages. Did she send anything that would make you question her? You heard it from him, himself, he tried to kiss her and she backed off. Not every woman is confident and able to bat off the advances of an older/more senior colleague.

From what you say, your gf was being polite. She was targeted by a man who liked the look of her and chances his arm. She politely engaged in conversation/texts at first, and he started off subtly. Nothing untoward, nothing to make her feel too uncomfortable.. odd selfie of him with a beer, or watching telly whatever. Maybe she was starting to feel uncomfortable, maybe she was uneasy with the level of contact, but yet there wasn't anything really in it for her to tell him she wasn't interested. Then he tried it on, and she knew what had been going in all along.

Look, only you know her. Maybe she's a nice girl/woman! Who got caught up in this without really realising where it was heading. Or maybe she's a gezzabel who goes around flirting with every married man she sees and enjoying the excitement of leading them on and then turning them down, and all the time playing the innocent to her boyfriend.

Only you can decide which she is.
And only you can decide what to do with your relationship from here.

professore

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Or it means he's a married sleaze who is chancing his arm or won't take no for an answer. Does she need to wear a neon sign or something?

Why did she keep the selfies if they were from a creep she isn't interested in? Selfies that could get her in hot water with you. That's the huge red flag for me.

She didn't let him kiss her but it sounds like they were in a position alone together where this was possible. Not good either. Why doesn't she report him to HR, and show them the selfies? With MeToo this is much easier than it used to be.

Or send the selfies to his wife. People have to take responsibility for their role in this. I always have drawn clear boundaries with female colleagues. It's dead easy with a married person.

On occasion even then you would get the odd one talking about "your lovely wife" or some such giving advance signals not to try anything. Others are neutral or give signals in the opposite direction - their horrible husband, looking for excitement in their life, sitting close and touching you etc etc. I don't know where on this spectrum your girlfriend falls. I do know if I don't discourage this behavior strongly then it will continue to escalate. And that's women - men are far more persistent.

And saying a guy is not attractive is rubbish.. as a man you literally have no idea what women find attractive. Look at Jack Nicholson or Gerard Depardieu FFS.

Having said that OP you do come across pretty badly in how you handled it. If you're not happy, just walk. I would if I were you. Once the lies, omissions and half truths start it's time to go.

work

work wrote: »

Do not understand the marriage thing we have grown up as a country surely? brother with same girl 20 years and happier than many married people.

Dating. If you’re with someone as a long term partner, then you’re not dating. If you’re still dating at 6 years in, you’re doing it all wrong.

Caranica

I'm horrified at this thread op. That you would snoop and send messages from someone who has given you six years of their lives, that's just not on imo!

I've spent pretty much all my working life around guys like this. And women who don't get involved. Doesn't mean guys don't try to overstep the mark as this guy did, happens a lot in my line of work.

You're going to push her away if you don't let this go. If she was my friend I'd be telling her to run for the hills. If you want to keep her in your life you need to drop this and stop snooping on her phone!

Dial Hard

HarryGa wrote:

I absolutely get that. What I'm worried about is that she was messaging him and lied, then tried to cover it up and also lied when I asked has anything inappropriate happened between them

She was trying to stop an already messy and difficult situation from getting any worse. One rather suspects she knew exactly how you'd react and was trying to contain the damage.

The fact of the matter is that sometimes in relationships lie in order to to protect their partner. You'll get the usual black & white suspects on here proclaiming that the second someone tells a lie, a relationship is doomed, but that's simply not how real life works. But if you're one of those people, then end the relationship and move on. At the moment you're punishing you're girlfriend for trying to manage a situation in a way *you* don't approve of, and that's incredibly unfair.

FurBabyMomma

professore wrote: »

Why did she keep the selfies if they were from a creep she isn't interested in? Selfies that could get her in hot water with you. That's the huge red flag for me.

Honestly I would view it differently. At that point she didn't realise he was a creep and probably saw the selfies as no big deal, just someone messing around. No need to delete as nothing to hide. Now if they were of a sexual nature then that would be different, but OP doesn't suggest they are? I've a load of rubbish photos on my phone from people that I don't bother deleting.

I do agree with you that the unwanted advance in the work place should be reported to HR, as it's sexual harassment pure and simple. I would like to think this is what I'd do in the same situation. I also understand that this woman might not want to do that for fear of rocking the boat in the work place. I can imagine it's a horrible position to be in.

professore

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Honestly I would view it differently. At that point she didn't realise he was a creep and probably saw the selfies as no big deal, just someone messing around. No need to delete as nothing to hide. Now if they were of a sexual nature then that would be different, but OP doesn't suggest they are? I've a load of rubbish photos on my phone from people that I don't bother deleting.

I do agree with you that the unwanted advance in the work place should be reported to HR, as it's sexual harassment pure and simple. I would like to think this is what I'd do in the same situation. I also understand that this woman might not want to do that for fear of rocking the boat in the work place. I can imagine it's a horrible position to be in.

I agree with most of this except keeping the selfies sent by a guy who thinks nothing of picking up a girl at a bar with his wife and kids at home. What a scumbag.

Big Bag of Chips

I have friends who send all sorts of innocuous selfies. (You mention that the selfies were innocent, OP, so we'll assume not 'dick picks'). I also have work colleagues who send me innocuous texts. A person cannot simply go to HR because a work colleague is sending a few chit-chat texts. I don't think a person could even go to HR if a colleague tried to kiss them on a night out. Especially if they backed off when they were rejected.

Your gf maybe felt like she was being targeted by this fella, but he wasn't doing anything too out of the ordinary to raise alarm bells. She was polite in replying, but not leading him on. He then tried to kiss her (suggesting she was "in a position" for him to try it on means nothing. I have had colleagues try to kiss me is busy pubs on nights out) and she didn't reciprocate.

Maybe she should have told you from the start, but maybe she felt there wasn't anything to tell. Then maybe by the time she was feeling uncomfortable about him, she (rightly, it seems) feared your reaction when she did tell you. If you think you will need to keep checking up on her in future, it might be best to just let it go now. It's no way for you, or her to live. If you think this fella was a bit of a sleaze, and 'groomed' your gf then that's not really her fault, and you should move on from this and stop continuing to make her feel bad about it.

FurBabyMomma

professore wrote: »

I agree with most of this except keeping the selfies sent by a guy who thinks nothing of picking up a girl at a bar with his wife and kids at home. What a scumbag.

Oh I missed out on that part! Hope he gets his comeuppance soon, he sounds like a right piece of work!

Edit: I thought I read he tried to kiss her in the workplace, not on a night out, but my pregnancy brain is currently not to be trusted!

ncmc

I’m really struggling to see how your GF ‘sort of’ cheated. Her colleague sent some texts, including an innocent selfie to which she only politely replied. She called him to tell him you were on the warpath and then spoke to him privately in work and when he tried to kiss her, she rebuffed him. I wouldn’t look anything into the fact she kept the selfie. I rarely delete my WhatsApp pictures, they don’t save to my camera roll so I tend to just leave them there or else occasionally do a purge of all pics. It sounds to me like she only gave you bits of the story because she knew you would go off the deep end about it.

On the other hand, you took her phone and sent messages pretending to be her? That is beyond the pale for me, I would be incensed if my partner did that. It is such an incredible invasion of privacy. I agree with previous posters, she’s new to the job and was trying to deal with his advances without making things difficult at work. You on the other hand went around like a bull in a china shop, snooping on her phone repeatedly and pretended to be her to entrap him.

Yes, she probably should have told you the whole story, but based on your reaction and what you subsequently did, I can’t say I blame her. Her work colleague is a creep, but it sounds like she dealt with it well. You on the other hand need to take a good hard look at how you reacted and the trust issues you have.

This relationship may not survive this breach of trust, but it is her I would be advising to run for the hills based on what you’ve posted here!

NinetyTwoTeam

I agree with the above from nc. she didn't cheat, she had to navigate a creep in work situation without raising the suspicions of a bf who already obviously has some trust issues. she had no reason to hide her phone so she didn't and you broke her trust.

i had a gf go through my phone and read messages from platonic friends and go mental, she also read a journal i used to keep when i was in college, she went through it when i was away in class, where i wrote about a drunk girl trying to kiss me on a night out and i didn't reciprocate. I didn't heed those signs and things got way worse after that with the jealousy.

I would apologize to my gf for making her cry so much over something that this other dirtbag did - you're blaming her for being the victim of a workplace harasser. You want to go to war over this and make someone cry step up to your man he's the one with a case to answer. but just moving on would be best. your gf isn't a cheater.

HarryGa

Thank you all for the replies,


Just to clarify, I wasn’t snooping through her phone, she knew I was looking through it for a photo. I then came across 2 selfies from a work colleague. I asked her about it and she said a friend had sent them. I asked her to show me and she had neither her friends conversation or a conversation from the male work colleague. So I found it odd that she deleted the conversation.

I have no issue with men messaging her, she’s a great looking woman and she’s going to get male attention. That’s part of lifeS She often messages other men, never hides it and I have no issue with it nor should I. That’s why this struck me as extremely odd. Why hide these messages and then lie about it.

I understand that sending a message pretending to be her is incredibly bad, not defending it but my thought process was if I’m being lied to then I’m going to find out why.

I tried by asking her and knew she wasn’t telling me the truth as it didn’t make sense

HarryGa

Thank you all for the replies,


Just to clarify, I wasn’t snooping through her phone, she knew I was looking through it for a photo. I then came across 2 selfies from a work colleague. I know tell she forgot about them when I asked her about it and she said a friend had sent them. I asked her to show me and she had neither her friends conversation or a conversation from the male work colleague. So I found it odd that she deleted the conversation. Her whatsapp photos don’t save to camera roll so she had saved them separately.

I have no issue with men messaging her, she’s a great looking woman and she’s going to get male attention. That’s part of lifeS She often messages other men, never hides it and I have no issue with it nor should I. That’s why this struck me as extremely odd. Why hide these messages and then lie about it.

I understand that sending a message pretending to be her is incredibly bad, not defending it but my thought process was if I’m being lied to then I’m going to find out why.

I tried by asking her and knew she wasn’t telling me the truth as it didn’t make sense

Caranica

HarryGa wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies,


Just to clarify, I wasn’t snooping through her phone, she knew I was looking through it for a photo. I then came across 2 selfies from a work colleague. I know tell she forgot about them when I asked her about it and she said a friend had sent them. I asked her to show me and she had neither her friends conversation or a conversation from the male work colleague. So I found it odd that she deleted the conversation. Her whatsapp photos don’t save to camera roll so she had saved them separately.
...
I understand that sending a message pretending to be her is incredibly bad, not defending it but my thought process was if I’m being lied to then I’m going to find out why.

You asked her to show you conversations? You're her boyfriend not her father! I can't believe she actually didn't tell you where to go there and then.

As for "your thought process" in sending the message, there were other ways to find out if you had to rather than impersonation. That's dishonest and pretty damn low.

You say you're not sure if the relationship can survive, that trust is an issue. What you're missing is that she's actually the one who's hard done by, not you. Harassment in the workplace is not easy to deal with and now she's got you on her back.

If you want to save the relationship, you've a lot of apologising to do.

FurBabyMomma

You asked to see her conversations? You also know her WhatsApp photos don't save to camera roll? I've been with my husband 18 years and leave my phone lying around all the time and I can guarantee he doesn't have that much knowledge of my phone, nor I of his. That and your impersonation of her through messages are massive red flags, no wonder your girlfriend is afraid to tell you things. I'd be out of there in a flash if my oh treated me like that.

ManOfMystery

Being in a relationship does not mean that each person is no longer entitled to any privacy.

My wife has conversations on Whatsapp with her sister, colleagues, etc. I wouldn't dream of trying to read these with or without her knowledge. 

Any desire to read them stems from an insecurity on your part, wherein you suspect - on a small scale, or large - that somehow these conversations will contain some evidence of betrayal or so on. This is your issue, not hers. 

Your partner was put in a position where she could cheat, but didn't. Still, you're focusing on the fact she lied about it - perhaps she is guilty of this, but I suspect it's only because she knew that mention of any such incident would feed the paranoia that you're already guilty of and any reaction would be OTT.

wiggle16

HarryGa wrote: »

Thanks for that. Well they were married men and they left with women that weren't their wives. I thought that was pretty low and we talked about it on the way home. So I knew what those men were like.

The checking of her phone initially genuinely wasn't in regards to finding anything, I was looking for a photo to put on Facebook. Every time since then has 100% been to see what's going on. It's not that I don't want to be seen as weak but I can't help but think that's what she'll think of me but also don't know if I'm a fool to trust her. Her argument is that I would have done the same. She said she shouldn't have lied about the initially one but once she did it all got out of control and then she couldn't go back on the lies and that if she had told me a guy kissed her that I'd never be comfortable with her situation again.

I actually cannot get over the fact that you think she is the one in the wrong.

Wrong or not, what those men and women do is not your business. You don't have to like them, but your girlfriend does have to work with them. She's the one who gets to decide whether her work environment is suitable for her, not you.
- you made it clear to her what you think of her colleagues
- you made it clear to her that you wouldn't want her working there if any bad behaviour was directed at her [as if that's even your decision]
- someone did try it on with her and she rejected them. She handled it herself and she handled it like an adult. She chose not to tell you, because she likely knew that this is how you would react, because you are possessive. Yup.

And if you don't think you are possessive, well:
- checking her phone, incessantly. "which she still never hides from me" - no one should ever have to hide their phone from their partner! How is that in the least bit normal to you?
- using her phone to impersonate her to one of her colleagues, who you suspected of cracking onto her. Just because your hunch was correct doesn't make that right. All you found out was that that guy is an ársehole. Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. What if you were wrong? You could have gotten her sacked for all you know.

She did not cheat on you. She did the opposite, if there is such a thing. Someone tried to kiss her and she flat out rejected them. Granted, she should not have lied, nor hid anything - but the fact that she in fact had nothing to hide or lie about in the first place, since she did nothing wrong, should indicate to you that your behaviour and attitude are the issue here, not hers.

You come across as very controlling and insecure - personally I could not put up with that for one split second - and extremely possessive. And now you are agonising over whether or not you will "look weak" to her if you "forgive" her, while she hasn't stopped crying.

The reason, OP, that she hasn't stopped crying, is because:
- some ársehole in her job cracked onto her, bad enough by itself,
- and she chose not to tell you because she knew how you would react,
- but you went and snooped though her phone anyway, and found out,
- and now she has to deal with your insecure behaviour,
- and so she is crying because it seems no matter what way she turns, she cannot do right by you, which I can tell you is exasperating.
And the reason for all of that is because you are checking her phone and she likely has no idea where you are getting most of this information from. She sounds thoroughly bewildered. You owe her a massive apology. Massive.

OP, if she were my friend I would honestly tell her to leave you. The better part of me says you are not a bad guy, judging by a lot of your other posts in this thread, but your inability to see that you are not the one who needs to do the forgiving says a lot about whether or not you two will be able to get past this or if she should even stay at all. I'm sorry OP, but you really need to look in the mirror on this one.

If I can give you one piece of constructive advice, I would strongly encourage you to do the following:
Find a close female relative or friend - your mother, a sister, an aunt, anyone you know well and respect and who cares about you - and tell her exactly what you told us here in the thread, with no frills.
I would strongly encourage you to do that, and really consider her reaction. I think it's the only way that you are going to see your behaviour for what it is. And I say this as a bloke myself.

Good luck, all the same. I hope you make an opportunity of what I've encouraged above.

Lux23

Your girlfriend is essentially getting harassed by a married man in work, and you're blaming her for it. Awful. She hasn't cheated, the only thing she did was tell some white lies to protect your feelings.

HarryGa

wiggle16 wrote: »

I actually cannot get over the fact that you think she is the one in the wrong.

Wrong or not, what those men and women do is not your business. You don't have to like them, but your girlfriend does have to work with them. She's the one who gets to decide whether her work environment is suitable for her, not you.
- you made it clear to her what you think of her colleagues
- you made it clear to her that you wouldn't want her working there if any bad behaviour was directed at her [as if that's even your decision]
- someone did try it on with her and she rejected them. She handled it herself and she handled it like an adult. She chose not to tell you, because she likely knew that this is how you would react, because you are possessive. Yup.

And if you don't think you are possessive, well:
- checking her phone, incessantly. "which she still never hides from me" - no one should ever have to hide their phone from their partner! How is that in the least bit normal to you?
- using her phone to impersonate her to one of her colleagues, who you suspected of cracking onto her. Just because your hunch was correct doesn't make that right. All you found out was that that guy is an ársehole. Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. What if you were wrong? You could have gotten her sacked for all you know.

She did not cheat on you. She did the opposite, if there is such a thing. Someone tried to kiss her and she flat out rejected them. Granted, she should not have lied, nor hid anything - but the fact that she in fact had nothing to hide or lie about in the first place, since she did nothing wrong, should indicate to you that your behaviour and attitude are the issue here, not hers.

You come across as very controlling and insecure - personally I could not put up with that for one split second - and extremely possessive. And now you are agonising over whether or not you will "look weak" to her if you "forgive" her, while she hasn't stopped crying.

The reason, OP, that she hasn't stopped crying, is because:
- some ársehole in her job cracked onto her, bad enough by itself,
- and she chose not to tell you because she knew how you would react,
- but you went and snooped though her phone anyway, and found out,
- and now she has to deal with your insecure behaviour,
- and so she is crying because it seems no matter what way she turns, she cannot do right by you, which I can tell you is exasperating.
And the reason for all of that is because you are checking her phone and she likely has no idea where you are getting most of this information from. She sounds thoroughly bewildered. You owe her a massive apology. Massive.

OP, if she were my friend I would honestly tell her to leave you. The better part of me says you are not a bad guy, judging by a lot of your other posts in this thread, but your inability to see that you are not the one who needs to do the forgiving says a lot about whether or not you two will be able to get past this or if she should even stay at all. I'm sorry OP, but you really need to look in the mirror on this one.

If I can give you one piece of constructive advice, I would strongly encourage you to do the following:
Find a close female relative or friend - your mother, a sister, an aunt, anyone you know well and respect and who cares about you - and tell her exactly what you told us here in the thread, with no frills.
I would strongly encourage you to do that, and really consider her reaction. I think it's the only way that you are going to see your behaviour for what it is. And I say this as a bloke myself.

Good luck, all the same. I hope you make an opportunity of what I've encouraged above.

Thank you for your honest opinion.

I have 100% accepted that sending a message pretending to be her is wrong, I hate that I done it. My options were a) do nothing, know she wasn’t being truthful and continue to be unhappy knowing she was lying to me or b) do something I’ve never done nor felt like I needed to do before to get to the bottom of it or c) know she was lying and end things. It doesn’t mean I condone the behavior, I’m just saying I knew she was lying and they were my options.

Neither of us look or snoop through each other’s phones, I’ve never said or suggested we do. I said she never hides her phone to give people a bit of perspective. She’s not secretive and neither am I about any of our stuff. I’ve never read through her conversations with her family or friends like people have assumed...quite frankly I don’t know why anyone would.

I seen photos of a guy on my girlfriends phone, asked her what it was about (which is completely normal) and I know my girlfriend very well and knew she was lying. I wasn’t buying it and we didn’t argue but things were weird with us. Tell me how many people here would be able to act completely normal with their other half’s if they knew they were lying to them?

After a few days she wanted to work it out but was still telling me the same story. I’m sorry but I’m not going to accept something that doesn’t make any sense. I told her if she wanted to prove she was telling the truth then show me the conversation from her friend that has those photos.

I don’t know how people on here have arrived at a guy accidentally seeing photos of another guy saved on gf’s phone and questioning that to that guy being controlling and insecure.

So I should see so something that makes no sense and just accept it without question? The issue is we have never fought about any other person before. She hid messages, and lied, I sent a message that I had no right to send but the rest is just assuming I’m insecure

You are still trying to justify yourself here.
There is no justification for being angry with your girlfriend, she did not cheat or anything like it.
She didn't tell you about a sleazebag at work trying it on with her, & TBH I understand why!
A total over reaction from you, & if anyone at her work found out what you did! How embarrassing for her.

Honestly? You are totally wrong here.

lunamoon

I honestly don't think anyone is going to be able to say anything to you to make you see clearly. You are hellbent on trying to justify what you did. Your girlfriend didn't cheat on you and lied to you because she knew how you'd react. If I was your gf (I'd leave you but that's here nor there) I wouldn't have told you either.

Big Bag of Chips

The thread, and your replies are going around in circles

What do you want to do, OP? Do you want to end it, or do you want to continue to be in a relationship with her?

Whichever you want to do, you need to make a decision. If you cannot get over it then you should end it with her. If you believe she is now being truthful and didn't encourage this lad in any way, then you need to move on, put it behind you and stop persecuting your gf about it.

Katgurl

I am going against the majority here. I understand your reaction.

I am very very against invasion of privacy but also was using boyfriend's phone a few months and saw something dubious. I didn't want to click into it so asked him and his reaction was bizarre and looked extremely guilty. I was gutted. I found myself grabbing the phone and demanding to be shown stuff I would never have asked. We rowed for three days because he kept feeding me some stupid story that made no sense whatsoever. The annoying thing was that while the truth was a little bit hurtful, not that bad in the grander scheme of things but my mind went into overdrive with his lying to me.

Anyway we have drawn a line and I have told him that he needs to trust me to have a reasonable reaction to stuff even if I don't like it but that I won't stay with someone unless I know I can believe what he tells me.

I will be honest now though - I found it hard to stop worrying for a couple of weeks afterwards and went into his phone when he was asleep and rifled through stuff that was none of my business. I always felt disgusting afterwards. After I had done it three or four times I came clean about my snooping, told him I really wanted to move on and forget it but I felt so hurt. Then I asked him to change his pin so I wouldn't be tempted but he said no, he had broken my trust and he was sorry. Since then I have felt no inclination to look at anything and I know I won't again.

Give it a bit of time. You have been lied to and thats why you are now getting yourself tied up in knots.

Personally I would come confess to your girlfriend about what you did, what you found out, ask why she felt the need to conceal it from you and then see can you move on together.

wiggle16

HarryGa wrote: »

Thank you for your honest opinion.

I have 100% accepted that sending a message pretending to be her is wrong, I hate that I done it. My options were a) do nothing, know she wasn’t being truthful and continue to be unhappy knowing she was lying to me or b) do something I’ve never done nor felt like I needed to do before to get to the bottom of it or c) know she was lying and end things. It doesn’t mean I condone the behavior, I’m just saying I knew she was lying and they were my options [...]

I don’t know how people on here have arrived at a guy accidentally seeing photos of another guy saved on gf’s phone and questioning that to that guy being controlling and insecure. So I should see so something that makes no sense and just accept it without question? The issue is we have never fought about any other person before. She hid messages, and lied, I sent a message that I had no right to send but the rest is just assuming I’m insecure

Snooping through someone's phone/facebook/laptop/diary/etc is always an option, but that doesn't make it right. Following her around was also an option. Confronting that guy outside his job was also an option. Options you didn't take, for obvious reasons. If you believe someone is lying to you, you deal with it by refusing to engage with them until you get the truth, however long it takes, or you put your hands up and leave. I'm not pontificating or moralising about it when I say that. I completely understand the temptation to take the easy option and look through a phone, but it's not on. And I could understand doing it once... but doing it multiple times and even impersonating her? It is not a proportionate response.

A big part of the issue, OP, is that it did not take much for you get from being suspicious about a picture to looking through her phone. At that stage the incident with that creep in her job had not actually happened at that point. The truth is that if you spend long enough spying on someone, you will eventually see something they would probably have rather kept to themselves, rightly or wrongly. That's exactly what happened here. The fact that you snooped through her phone multiple times and then found something you didn't like (which was not what you suspected it was) is a complete coincidence, because you started snooping BEFORE the incident happened. You threatened to contact him BEFORE it happened. That's what makes it controlling.

No one is saying that you have to accept things that don't make sense. And no one saying that seeing a picture and being suspicious is controlling. But continually snooping through your girlfriend's phone and going to the lengths of impersonating her is controlling and insecure. You cannot do that. It's not your phone, and you violated her privacy and trust to satisfy your own preoccupation. And now that you found out that you were wrong, and she wasn't cheating, but lied about something else to avoid creating an issue about something she clearly wanted to put behind her (and did not involve you in any way), instead of being relieved she's not cheating you are taking it as a betrayal.

That is possessive, because you are disregarding her autonomy in handling issues in her own life. Couples should be able to share everything with each other but they do not have to all the time: you do not have the right to know everything that goes on in her life nor make decisions or determinations for her.
Your reaction exudes that you consider her to be "yours" and that if another man interferes with that sense of ownership then you have a right to feel violated, and betrayed if she does not report it to you - and the right to invade her privacy to get to the bottom of it. (For the record, I think she should have just come clean when you asked her, but she obviously felt she couldn't).

Finding out the truth, regardless of how you went about it, should have cleared things up immediately. The whole episode should have ended with "I'm sorry I doubted you and I'm sorry I went through your phone, but it just didn't add up, and I'd prefer if you were honest with me about these things because I care about you". But instead, it has all been about you and how you feel about it. You haven't once mentioned how that man's actions must have made her feel, nor made a genuine effort to understand her motivation behind keeping it from you.

I'm not trying, nor going, to get into a debate about the wider issues, and I am genuinely not trying to berate or attack you, I apologise if I come across harsh. I'm saying that you are handling this very badly and need to step back and look at your entire attitude to it - admitting you probably shouldn't have impersonated her cos it's a "bit low" is not the same thing. That's not the issue. Your entire reaction is.

Again I am not trying to attack you. I'm not trying to make you out to be a "me-have-woman" caveman either. You're not. But you are not seeing the issue - and once again, I'd encourage you to speak to a close female friend or relative about it, though I acknowledge you probably won't.

What is it you actually want to happen? In your ideal world, what happens next? What will make you feel better about this?

professore

I think if you find out your partner is lying to you about an interaction with the opposite sex, that's a huge problem. Snooping is justified in that context.

I believe the OP when he says he doesn't normally snoop and isn't a control freak. I'd wonder why his partner feels the need to lie to him, I'd say there's no smoke without fire in this case.

If course if the OP is forever at his GF then that's a different matter.

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

I think if you find out your partner is lying to you about an interaction with the opposite sex, that's a huge problem. Snooping is justified in that context.

I believe the OP when he says he doesn't normally snoop and isn't a control freak. I'd wonder why his partner feels the need to lie to him, I'd say there's no smoke without fire in this case.

If course if the OP is forever at his GF then that's a different matter.

I don't agree, sometimes it's easier and fairer to tell a white lie to protect your partner from things that they don't need to know.

Just because she hadn't told her partner yet, doesn't mean she wouldnt eventually tell him, sometimes you need time to assess things for yourself and figure out how you want to handle your own problems.

People who snoop always find something eventually that they'll say has justified their snooping.

professore

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't agree, sometimes it's easier and fairer to tell a white lie to protect your partner from things that they don't need to know.

Lying about someone hitting on you is hardly a white lie though. I didn't eat the last Rolo is a white lie. Why say it was one of the girls? It makes no sense unless you are hiding something or of course if you are dating a psycho.

professore

professore wrote: »

Lying about someone hitting on you is hardly a white lie though. I didn't eat the last Rolo is a white lie. Why say it was one of the girls? It makes no sense unless you are hiding something or of course if you are dating a psycho.

Given the reaction of the OP, I would think she didn't want the hassle from him.
It's not a lie, she didn't do anything except rebuff someone else's advances.