Sopranos best jokes

Remember your first blow job?







Yeah!







Did it take the guy long to come?

mojesius

Not so much a joke but one of my favourite Christopher quotes:

"What's he saying? There were dinosaurs back with Adam and Eve? no way. T-Rex in the Garden of Eden? Adam and Eve'd be runnin' all the time, scared ****less. But the Bible says it was Paradise"

El Weirdo

Paulie: The guy was an interior decorator.

Christopher: Really? His place looked like shit.

buried

McCrack

Junior:

"What did the blind man say when he went to the fish market?"

"Hello Ladies."

chrissb8

When Paulie goes to Italy gets completely blanked at the cafe and just doesn't get the culture.

Comes back and says it was amazing and he had the best time.

also......"TONY MAKING A PARTY FOR ME"

munster87

Not a joke either but my funniest scene was when Paulie couldn’t hear Tony properly on the phone telling him about the Russian that they had to kill and then says to Christopher “You’re not gonna believe this, he killed 16 Czechoslovakians, guy was an interior decorator" and Christopher replies “his house looked like ****”.

munster87

El Weirdo wrote: »

Paulie: The guy was an interior decorator.

Christopher: Really? His place looked like shit.

Ah that really did take me too long to type on this!

King George VI

Shrink: “What line of work are you in?”
Tony Soprano: “Waste management consultant.”

mojesius

chrissb8 wrote: »

When Paulie goes to Italy gets completely blanked at the cafe and just doesn't get the culture.

Comes back and says it was amazing and he had the best time.

also......"TONY MAKING A PARTY FOR ME"

Commendatori!

Are Am Eye

Tony: So, Uncle Junior, How was Boca?
Junior: Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
Carmela: mumbles That's not what I heard.

Tipsy McSwagger

Ralph is dead in the bath.

Christopher Moltisanti: [grabs hold of Ralph's hair and it comes clean off - it's a wig he's been wearing all along to hide his baldness] Aahh! Holy ****! I had no idea. Did you?
Tony Soprano: Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.

DEFTLEFTHAND

chrissb8 wrote: »

When Paulie goes to Italy gets completely blanked at the cafe and just doesn't get the culture.

Comes back and says it was amazing and he had the best time.

also......"TONY MAKING A PARTY FOR ME"

I love when Paulie is in a restaurant with the two Italian Mafia guys in Naples and he starts asking for gravy (basic tomato pasta sauce). The Italians don't know what the fcuk he's on about.

They speak in Italian to each other and say "And I thought the Germans were classless pieces of sh1t" in front of an oblivious Paulie.

brainfreeze

El Weirdo wrote: »

Paulie: The guy was an interior decorator.

Christopher: Really? His place looked like shit.

munster87 wrote: »

Not a joke either but my funniest scene was when Paulie couldn’t hear Tony properly on the phone telling him about the Russian that they had to kill and then says to Christopher “You’re not gonna believe this, he killed 16 Czechoslovakians, guy was an interior decorator" and Christopher replies “his house looked like ****”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsxthFO-HWs&feature=youtu.be

DesperateDan

A few of my favourites, watched for the first time last year:

Junior on Richie Aprile: "He has a tremendous amount of moxy for someone of his stature"
Junior to Tony: "If you're going to lie to me tell me there's a broad waiting in the car to tongue my balls"
Paulie: "Why do ****ting, pissing and ****ing all happen within a 2 inch radius of eachother"
Paulie on Sun Tozoo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YonukB9yPAs
Phil Leotardo on his goth nephew: "The hell is wrong with you? You look like a Puerto Rican whore"

Ipso

Christopher to Adrianna
Hi, I got that new 50 cent movie to watch later. They were giving it away at the gas station.

BoroMan32

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGQ68saNpBA

artanevilla

Meadow: There are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco bay area than anywhere on the planet.

Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing fudge?

HandsomeBob

I hear Ginny Sack had a 90 pound mole removed from her ass.

Ipso

If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waitin' in the car who wants to tongue my balls.” – Uncle Junior

James Bond Junior

Tony to Mikey Palmice- “Too bad they don't have a telethon for ****faceitis. They found a cure yet?”

James Bond Junior

HandsomeBob wrote: »

I hear Ginny Sack had a 90 pound mole removed from her ass.

I hear her blood type is ragu!

tinpib

I watched this a few years ago, really enjoyed it. Peter Bogdanovich [Dr Elliot in Sopranos, Melfi's shrink] interviewing David Chase.

I don't know where it is in the interview exactly, and I'm paraphrasing from memory here, but Bogdanovich is skirting around, almost afraid to suggest that it is almost possible for people who might think Sopranos could possibly be perceived as more comedy....

I think he was expecting for Chase to explode at him, Chase says straight away "Oh ya, it is". He saw it as a comedy first, not a drama.

At least that was my memory of the exchange.

Anyway, whole interview is good.

Are Am Eye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQrQcAzMb8E

mojesius

Also, one of the best transitions in the show -

Carmela and Rosalie walking around Paris, taking in the architecture and streets in complete awe...cuts to Sil shouting: "Make sure you clean that **** off her tit" at the fella cleaning the Bing sign.

I cried laughing when I saw that.

Riddle101

Richie Aprile on Christoper "You ever notice he's the only moterhf**cker who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back. That Nose Is Like A Natural Canopy"

PowerToWait

Richie talking about Chris

Did you ever notice he's the only mother****er who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back?

Also Richie when he crippled some guy by running a car over him

Tony " I thought I told you to back off Beansie!"

"I did, then I put it in drive"

Beaten to it

Your Face

Gwynplaine

"She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu"

TerrorFirmer

Already mentioned but that 'Interior Decorator' misunderstanding is one of the best exchanges ever to grace the screen. I'll read a thread like this and remember so much I'd forgotten, but never that scene.

Such a great show. Another few years and I'll have to watch it all again from the start.

Lackey

The scene of Christopher's intervention was classic!
when he curses at his mother and they all jump him, brilliant.

Turtyturd

Not a joke as such but the bit in the whole series that made me crack up...

Hammer89

"You threw food at Vito. This has to be resolved."

I don't know why that's so funny to me but it is.

Also, when Christopher and Adriana are discussing her inability to conceive, and he goes, 'Both of them?' after she tells him that she has a problem with her uterus.

One more: When Tony rings Vito's phone and some black road worker answers, and Tony ends up thinking he's his gay lover.

buried

Lackey wrote: »

The scene of Christopher's intervention was classic!
when he curses at his mother and they all jump him, brilliant.

lol Yes. Out of all the horror stories, only the one about the dog is what sends Tony off and he keeps coming back to it after everybody else's go

Tony - "Still..... this thing with the dog...how could you not see it on the chair??"

Dominic - "Your getting emotional Tone..."

Tony - "THAT'S BECAUSE I KNOW WHATS ITS LIKE TO LOSE A PET!!"

Pauliedragon

"How can you trust a guy who can literally go f*** themselves?"
I always loved Paulie walnuts.

tinpib

IT'S A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY!!!

And then way, way after that was a big part of the story, Paulie mentions something like

Paulie:"I'm thinking of putting Ma into that same retirement community as your mother"

Tony: "IT'S A NURSING HOME!!"

Atoms for Peace

Christopher Moltisanti: The Russians? They're not all bad.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How about the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers moved nuclear warheads into Cuba, pointed 'em right at us.

Christopher Moltisanti: That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bull****.

Dyr

You need the accent for it:
Paulie, "They had their turn now it's ours, that's why Dinosaurs don't exist no more"
Floozie: "Wasn't that a meteor?"
Paulie: "They're all meat eaters"

Melfi: "You like that arrangement, the wives riding in the back of the car?"
Tony: "Actually I think they should ride in a little trailer behind the car, like skunks"

Junior: "Did you offer my nephew something?"
Home Nurse: "I am registered nurse, not maid!"
Junior "Well, did you offer him an aspirin?"

Bobby, crying: "My father can't do this, he's retired!"
Junior: "Retired? What's this we're in? The Navy?!"

buried

Those bits with Junior and Bobby are really brilliant. The Lasagne bit with Junior and Bobby when Bobby gets back to work for Junior cracks me up every time, Junior questioning everything, the cagey auld fecker, and he dead right too!

Junior - "You gotta get on with your life Bobby, put it behind ya"

Bobby - "Thats what Janice said"

Junior - "Janice?"

Bobby - "Shes been wonderful through all this, Lookin after the kids, bringin dinner over to the house..."

Junior - "Janice??"

Bobby - "Shes a pretty good cook"

Junior - "Since when? Everybody steers clear of her food"

Bobby - "She made this lasagne the other night...with the sweet sausage along with the beef..."

Junior - "Sweet sausage? With little pieces of beef? and a little layer of basil leaves underneath the cheese?"

Bobby - "Thats right"

Junior - "That's Carmellas lasagne!"

Bobby - "Aaaahh Junior, you always think the worst of people""

Junior - "Fine......Enjoy your lasagne!........Just don't come running to me."

rtron

They are discussing what to do if your attacked by bear. "Run down hill, or something"

taytobreath

Dyr

Not a joke but I liked it as a retort

When Tony tells Dr Melfi her life is in danger and she needs to leave town:

Melfi: "I can't just leave! I can't just lam it! I have a life! I have patients!"
Tony: "Well, just tell 'em August came early!"
Melfi: "It doesn't work that way! I have patients who are SUICIDAL!"
Tony: "Well, they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped!"

Are Am Eye

Christopher starting out with Murmur as his AA sponsor. Then he becomes
Murmur's loan shark while keeping the addict - sponsor relationship.

Would be looking for guidance and support from him at the same time as
beating him up for non payment.

Bunny Colvin

"Your Father never had the makings of a varsity athlete"

Jim Bob Scratcher

Heres Johnny

Playing golf, Tony says 'Uncle Jun is in the muff, I mean the rough
Then starts singing 'South of the border, down Mexico way'

AJ telling Tony he wants to work in event management
'Its a bit gay isn't it?'
Sorry Carmela told Tony AJ wanted to work in event management maybe

Big Bobby going on about Quasimodo and Notre Dame was great too.

Pretty much anything Silvio, Paulie, Chris and Junior said had a funny undercurrent

Might be time for a rewatch I think

McMurphy

In the episode 'Pine Barrens' after the Russian escapes from Paulie and Christopher, and from memory the guy is in bare feet, pyjamas bottoms and very little else.

Anyway, darkness falls.... the two (Paulie and Christopher) hear s strange sound coming from the woods.......

Christopher: Could be him out there, stalking us.

Paulie: With what, his cock?

ryathoe

"Junior, if there's any flies on you, they're paying ****ing rent!"
Johnny Sacks to Junior discussing Hesh series 1.

BoroMan32

Phil Leotardo: [to Vito Jr] What the hell's wrong with you? You look like a Puerto Rican whore. You make me sick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzrEum_VfgA

squawker

Johnny Dogs wrote: »

In the episode 'Pine Barrens'

must of seen that episode 20 times

still laugh at some of the lines

mojesius

Artie Bucco's earring