A protective mother with 2 sons, and their girlfriends are in competition.

Conor Bourke

OP what DO you like about him. What are his good points, what do you get from this relationship that is good enough to make you happy enough to put up with his uselessness for the rest of your life?

ibarelycare

OP you just keep giving more and more examples which are reinforcing what everyone's saying. You're trying to pin the blame on the mam for how your bf is, and of course she is at fault in a lot of ways, but MANY children have overbearing parents and manage to become fully-functioning adults. Although your bf is still young, he is not giving any indication whatsoever that he wants to cut the apron strings. Most people at 22 years are either living independently or WANTING to live independently of their parents. What are the chances of him actually changing? He doesn't want to, and you're in for many more years of misery TRYING to change him.

Kilduffyras1

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

OP what DO you like about him. What are his good points, what do you get from this relationship that is good enough to make you happy enough to put up with his uselessness for the rest of your life?

He's extremely kind. I fell off a balcony (a very low one) when we began going out and i was in hospital for 3 weeks as I broke my arm and pelvis and he drove 2 hours every day to come and see me and he helped feed me and wash me on the days my mum couldn't come up.
He pays for everything, even though I offer and leave money in his wallet he still pays for everything
There's so much more about him like.
He genuinely loves me I know he does but he is an overgrown toddler with a crazy mother pulling him back to her every time. The jobs situation with him, he done a business degree and cannot get a job from it, so now he is working full time in his uncles hotel as a waitor. He says he's trying to get a job out of his course but I don't know, I don't ask him because he seems to not want to talk about it.

Kilduffyras1

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

OP what DO you like about him. What are his good points, what do you get from this relationship that is good enough to make you happy enough to put up with his uselessness for the rest of your life?

He's extremely kind. I fell off a balcony (a very low one) when we began going out and i was in hospital for 3 weeks as I broke my arm and pelvis and he drove 2 hours every day to come and see me and he helped feed me and wash me on the days my mum couldn't come up.
He pays for everything, even though I offer and leave money in his wallet he still pays for everything
There's so much more about him like.
He genuinely loves me I know he does but he is an overgrown toddler with a crazy mother pulling him back to her every time. The jobs situation with him, he done a business degree and cannot get a job from it, so now he is working full time in his uncles hotel as a waitor. He says he's trying to get a job out of his course but I don't know, I don't ask him because he seems to not want to talk about it.

SAMTALK

Funny what started out about other girlfriend being a problem actually turns out that your boyfriend is actually the biggest problem all round.

You can think all you like that he can change / you can change him but believe me all he will do is replace his mother with you!

woodchuck

I think people are being a little unfair on the boyfriend. I have a typical Irish mammy and I didn't move out of home until my mid-20s. While I was at home, it was near impossible to do my own laundry and cooking - I'd come home from college/work and it would just be done!

However, I can confirm that since I have moved out of home, I am a fully functional adult who does all my own cooking, cleaning etc :P

I suppose a key difference though is that I wanted to do things for myself, but felt I couldn't. Do you think your boyfriend actually wants to cut the apron strings, or would he be happy to carry on like this indefinitely with you becoming his surrogate mammy down the line?

SAMTALK

woodchuck wrote: »

I think people are being a little unfair on the boyfriend. I have a typical Irish mammy and I didn't move out of home until my mid-20s. While I was at home, it was near impossible to do my own laundry and cooking - I'd come home from college/work and it would just be done!

However, I can confirm that since I have moved out of home, I am a fully functional adult who does all my own cooking, cleaning etc :P

I suppose a key difference though is that I wanted to do things for myself, but felt I couldn't. Do you think your boyfriend actually wants to cut the apron strings, or would he be happy to carry on like this indefinitely with you becoming his surrogate mammy down the line?

But when his mother was away he was willing to leave it all until she came back.

qwerty13

Look he might be a nice guy, but he’s stuck in the past. He has both of you pegged into 1950s roles, where he does the paying, and you ‘mind’ him. That’s not kind, that’s a throwback to the era where women gave up working outside the home when they got married - whether they wanted to continue their job or not. It’s not partners. It’s not equals.

There seems to be way too much involvement with his family. Why would you be at his mothers friends for dinner? And constantly socialising with his brother, or in his family home? Do you never get to be alone, or socialise with your friends / family?

You want kids within what, 5 years? Have you talked about this, about you both working towards this? Doesn’t seem like he’s on board with this, if he’s doing casual labour because his mammy asked his uncle to sort it for him. Where will you live? Is he going to suggest staying with his control-freak mother ‘for a while’? Do you want to keep working after you have kids - how do you see that working out if not only does he have a job that can’t support you both, but he won’t help out with any kids?

To me it is a complete mess. One which you are already way too involved in. His family sounds dysfunctional - and he isn’t doing a single thing to break the cycle. Unless he started growing a pair, I’d be out of there. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration OP. And you can bet that his mother will be even worse if you do have kids. And at Christmas, birthdays, etc

bee06

OP, he chooses the quiet life. He could have laid down the law with her but he chooses not to. If you get married and have kids and your MIL is on your back for doing nothing right then do you think he’s going to stand up to her? No, he’ll choose the quiet life again and you’ll be stuck with a useless husband, a bunch of kids and an over bearing mother in law and no-one on your side.

Big Bag of Chips

Look, OP, none of us are you. And if you are happy enough to put up with him because he's so lovely to you that is completely your decision. Women have done it/are doing it all over the world and have been happy enough for years. So if you really want to continue with him, and if you really are happy to put up with it for the next 30-40 years then I say go for it! But if you go for it you are going to have to embrace it. It has to be an all or nothing. Which means you have to step into line with the mother and the other gf. You have to be ok about "minding" him when he's out. You have to be ok about his mam texting you. You have to be ok with her doing his washing, and packing his bags. And you have to join her in these jobs and become a team to mind him. After all, you both just love him and want what's best for him. And what's best for him is not having the two most important people in his life fighting over him. The other girlfriend seems to have figured this out, already!

Also - if you are going to willingly take on this role, you might do well to start looking for a job for him. If you want to move out, and if the only thing standing in his way is that he doesn't have a proper job, then if you are going to take on the role of being his carer, you need to set him up with a few interviews. You'll need to make sure he has appropriate clothes and is approporiately prepared for an interview. You will need to make sure he has a way of getting there (on time) and getting home.

You know what your life with him is going to be like. You've said that you are happy to accept it - so accept it and start working towards your future. (But know that you will be doing it alone - or if you want help you need to win mammy over so that she is onside, both to help you set him up and to give him her blessing. Because he won't move out if mammy is not happy.)

Kilduffyras1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Look, OP, none of us are you. And if you are happy enough to put up with him because he's so lovely to you that is completely your decision. Women have done it/are doing it all over the world and have been happy enough for years. So if you really want to continue with him, and if you really are happy to put up with it for the next 30-40 years then I say go for it! But if you go for it you are going to have to embrace it. It has to be an all or nothing. Which means you have to step into line with the mother and the other gf. You have to be ok about "minding" him when he's out. You have to be ok about his mam texting you. You have to be ok with her doing his washing, and packing his bags. And you have to join her in these jobs and become a team to mind him. After all, you both just love him and want what's best for him. And what's best for him is not having the two most important people in his life fighting over him. The other girlfriend seems to have figured this out, already!

Also - if you are going to willingly take on this role, you might do well to start looking for a job for him. If you want to move out, and if the only thing standing in his way is that he doesn't have a proper job, then if you are going to take on the role of being his carer, you need to set him up with a few interviews. You'll need to make sure he has appropriate clothes and is approporiately prepared for an interview. You will need to make sure he has a way of getting there (on time) and getting home.

You know what your life with him is going to be like. You've said that you are happy to accept it - so accept it and start working towards your future. (But know that you will be doing it alone - or if you want help you need to win mammy over so that she is onside, both to help you set him up and to give him her blessing. Because he won't move out if mammy is not happy.)

To be honest I said to him I will try set up interviews for him and look for jobs for him but he won't allow me. He said he doesn't want to be in a job that I got for him. I understand in ways that he wants to get something that only HE got but I don't think he's capable of it to be honest. I'm streets ahead of him with things that like, and I'm very career driven and he knows it but he doesn't want me to have that one over him. Even though I explained to him that our relationship is not a competition where we have to get points over each other.

Big Bag of Chips

So, what now? Do you continue to put your life on hold waiting for him to figure out how to go online and search jobsites? He has a business degree. Why is he working as a waiter in his uncle's hotel? Could the uncle not find him a job in the offices? Admin? Or would the uncle not offer him that sort of job because he knows he'd probably not be able to manage it?

Ah here, OP - I'm out. I said earlier that I felt sorry for you, that you were the only one who seemed to have a bit of cop on out of the whole lot of them. I'm not so sure anymore. You're a young woman. You should be starting to spread your wings. Starting new stage of your life. Looking forward to growing, maturing and moving into adulthood. I don't know how you can do that when you are effectively going out with a sulky teenager.

Good luck.

qwerty13

To be honest I said to him I will try set up interviews for him and look for jobs for him but he won't allow me. He said he doesn't want to be in a job that I got for him. I understand in ways that he wants to get something that only HE got but I don't think he's capable of it to be honest.

Two huge issues here:

1), you don’t think he’s capable of looking for a job. Man oh man. How is he going to be able to keep a job, in the real world, where the boss doesn’t say ‘oh ok Keith, I’m sorry I asked do that task I know you don’t like, let me do it myself for you’ ... or ... ‘no Keith, sure what was I thinking, of course you can’t work late, you’re expected at your mammy’s for dinner’.

2) I would bet that he’s is lying to you. He’s perfectly content to stay in the low paid job where he can live with mammy (sure he doesn’t need more money than he has, when his whole life is taken of). And mammy has told him not to let you look for jobs for him, cos you’ll pick one miles away where she won’t see him every day, which will break her heart, after all she’s done for him!!!

And if he truly thinks that way, re ‘getting one over on him’, he is not just a spoilt man-child, he’s a petulant d*ck who will sulk at you when he doesn’t get his own (mammy approved) way.

peckerhead

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

...I don't think he's capable of it to be honest. I'm streets ahead of him with things that like, and I'm very career driven and he knows it but he doesn't want me to have that one over him. Even though I explained to him that our relationship is not a competition where we have to get points over each other.

Sorry, I have to say your relationship sounds completely toxic to me. You say it's not a competition but in fact you're measuring like crazy, and tbh I suspect you're infantilising him practically as much as the mother is.

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I do think yee are all correct but I don't think it's 100% his fault! I think he is afraid of her. And I think he wants to avoid the fights. I once asked him to stop texting his mam and enjoy our time at a waterpark and he said "i just want a quiet life and to keep her happy". I do think he has a **** way of handling it. HE should turn around and tell her to stop the texting but he won't. Because I have seen her roar and tell him he's not going out at the age of 22. But yet what I don't understand is why he doesn't want to get away from it because I would

It’s time he showed a bit of backbone. His mother’s preoccupation in life is being central to her sons’ lives. Without having a role of waiting on them hand and foot I suspect she has very little else going on. They are getting to the stage where they should be independent, moving out of home, moving in with girlfriends so she is keeping a very tight rein on them.

I can guarantee you that if he stood up to her just once and let her rant and rave about his decision to move out, get a job, whatever that she might pick a row over that she would sulk, but if he held firm on his decision no matter how small it is (packing for a holiday) she would back down because she would be afraid of being cut out so would focus her efforts on what she still had control on.

Once he starts making small decisions for himself it’s easier to make larger decisions and gain independence from this situation but he has to do it.

OP imagine 10 years from now, you got married and had a couple of kids. Something happens where you broke your leg or similar. Nothing life threatening but you are incapacitated for six weeks or so. You can’t walk. Could you depend on him to get two toddlers up in the morning, nappies changed, fed, off to the crèche, do a food shop, get the dinner cooked when he gets home that evening, and do all the housework you can’t do? I just paint this as a typical scenario that could happen. Just think about it

shesty

Ah Irish mammies and their sons....they (mostly) ruin them.

My input into this OP is that kids are hard on your relationship.And I mean really bloody hard.Any little bit of resentment or irritation or annoyance that you have been brushing under the carpet for years and trying to ignore or justify comes right up when kids arrive and does.not.go.away. The problem being then that you don't just have you and him to think about...you have kids too, whose whole world you could turn upside down.

So if you are having problems now with various things about him, they won't go away.Plus the relationship between grandparents (ie his parent) and your kids will further complicate matters....believe me.If you are ok with dealing with that when there are kids involved, then fine.Otherwise you would want to have a long serious think about where this is going (and how it's going there)