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A protective mother with 2 sons, and their girlfriends are in competition.

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    #32
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    A lot of you are speaking correctly. But having said that, at the end of the day is it normal that my mother in all is texting her about MY boyfriend?. In all honesty, is this normal? The mother is texting her about HER boyfriend and his brother. Even though I'm sitting there right next to them alive and well?

    You're coming across as very possessive.

    The mother is talking to this girl anyway, so it's only natural that she'd ask her about both of her sons if she knows you're all on a night out together.


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    #33
    DaeryssaOne
    Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭DaeryssaOne


    She's not texting this girl about your boyfriend she is texting her about HER son, she's not doing it to get at you but it's convenient to ask the person who will actually respond. I'm sure your attitude to her texting has been made clear to her over the years and she knows she won't get an answer from you so why not ask the person who will respond and is sitting there with her son?


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    #34
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    bee06 wrote: »
    OP, the girlfriend has been around for longer than you. They already have a set dynamic since before you came along. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you get to lay down the law and change it.

    I don't want to change it. But believe me people this girl is making it extremely obvious that she is TRYING to make me jealous and that she is putting all of her energy in trying to win what she thinks is a stupid battle. The brothers friend said one night that she is brown nosing Mary. He said it joking to her and we all laughed about it but why would he come out with that if he wasn't noticing. Any time we are out she has to announce "Mary is texting me"


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    #35
    Anne1982h
    Closed Accounts Posts: 77 ✭✭Anne1982h


    Agree 100% with previous poster. She is texting her son, the girl receiving the text is getting a text about her boyfriends brother who she happens to be out with. You don’t own him. He is an independent person who means different things to different people. Ok the mother seems very involved but as long as the son doesn’t have a problem with it you shouldn’t either. On the one hand you say the texting is annoying and you would rather enjoy your night out then you say why aren’t you getting the texts as you’re apparently the only person who can say how your boyfriend is..... doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. And if she constantly announces she is getting the texts and is brown nosing the mother - who honestly cares. Let her do it. Next time she announces it just say ‘that’s lovely tell her hi from me.’ And carry on with your night out.


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    #36
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    A lot of you are speaking correctly. But having said that, at the end of the day is it normal that my mother in all is texting her about MY boyfriend?. In all honesty, is this normal? The mother is texting her about HER boyfriend and his brother. Even though I'm sitting there right next to them alive and well?
    Op I think you are just overinvolved. You were organising double dates, you pay way too much attention about what the other two are doing and who the mother is texting. Why would you care? You are in a relationship with one man and not with the whole clan including the future in-laws. The relationship others have with mammy doesn't seem to affect you at all except it being obvious yours is not the same. Since you don't want it to be I really don't know what the issue is.


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    #37
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    I don't want to change it. But believe me people this girl is making it extremely obvious that she is TRYING to make me jealous and that she is putting all of her energy in trying to win what she thinks is a stupid battle. The brothers friend said one night that she is brown nosing Mary. He said it joking to her and we all laughed about it but why would he come out with that if he wasn't noticing. Any time we are out she has to announce "Mary is texting me"

    Grand, you don’t want to change anything, their friends think she’s a joke so leave her off. You don’t control her, you control your reaction.


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    #38
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    You sound possessive and very unreasonable.

    You're going to lay down the law.

    You want him to tell his mother to "eff off"

    She's "obviously" trying to make you jealous.

    She's jealous because she's bigger than you (wtf?!)

    You really need to take a step back and reevaluate this situation. It sounds like you're trying to cause issues.


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    #39
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    I think I just want to get on with her and always have but to be honest she sees it as a competition. I'm no longer going to even speak to her or make effort with her and try to be pally. It's just gonna be hello and goodbye. And hopefully she will get sick of her own games after a while.


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    #40
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    I think I just want to get on with her and always have but to be honest she sees it as a competition. I'm no longer going to even speak to her or make effort with her and try to be pally. It's just gonna be hello and goodbye. And hopefully she will get sick of her own games after a while.

    You can only control your own behaviour so that's not a bad plan!


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    #41
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me :)" should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.


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    #42
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,322 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    Am i the only one who finds the whole thing very strange!

    Why doesn't the mother just text her sons and ask what she wants to ask?


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    #43
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    I know but it's the fact that she is loving announcing it to us that the mother is texting her. It's not making me jealous, it's the fact that she is trying to make me jealous that annoys me and she thinks she's making me jealous. I would not want to give her that satisfaction and think in her her head "Mary prefers me". Why can't she just text her back and say nothing. Why is she announcing it to us all.

    Yeah, you think kicking off about it all won't give her the satisfaction?

    Maybe she's insecure, maybe she's stirring. If it's the former and you react like that, she'll be shocked and you'll come across as the bad guy. If it's the latter, you've done exactly what she wants and you'll come across the bad guy.

    You're considering starting some potentially headwrecking family drama because you're annoyed about what somebody else might be thinking. I don't mean to be harsh but you seem like someone who appreciates direct communication: grow up and get over it.


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    #44
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me :)" should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.

    "aw that's so nice you guys have a great relationship!" big smile. If she's stirring then she won't know whow to react, the very thing she's trying to annoy you with has made you smile. If she's not stirring then no harm done commenting on the fact they have a nice relationship.


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    #45
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    SAMTALK wrote: »
    Am i the only one who finds the whole thing very strange!

    Why doesn't the mother just text her sons and ask what she wants to ask?

    Probably an “Irish mammy” type who thinks he sons can’t take care of themselves and it’s the woman’s job to do it.


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    #46
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
    SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?


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    #47
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    Whispered wrote: »
    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me :)" should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.

    "aw that's so nice you guys have a great relationship!" big smile. If she's stirring then she won't know whow to react, the very thing she's trying to annoy you with has made you smile. If she's not stirring then no harm done commenting on the fact they have a nice relationship.

    I would see this as her thinking "its really annoying her now that she sees our good relationship and is commenting on it, I'll keep going" but then and again I'm bad at reverse psychology 😂


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    #48
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
    SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?

    The problem is - even if this girl is being malicious - if you call her on it you'll look like the bad guy - so oh have to behave like an adult with maturity and your head held high .

    As a previous poster said - next time she tells you she'd texting his mother tell her your happy their relationship. The next time she tells you ask her why she's telling you, and maybe point out that you don't need to know who she's texting.


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    #49
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    I would see this as her thinking "its really annoying her now that she sees our good relationship and is commenting on it, I'll keep going" but then and again I'm bad at reverse psychology ��

    But is it reverse psychology? It is nice if they have a good relationship. It's nice for her, for your mother in law, for your brother in law. Even for you. When the people around us are happy and stable, life is happier. The last thing you want is a drama filled family, I assume. So it is nice.

    If she is stirring and you comment on her great relationship with a smile on your face, if you actively encourage it, if it means nothing to you beyond thinking it's sweet, then let her contiune to comment. You continue to "be happy" for them. She can't make you feel jealous about something you don't care about. You don't want her texting you all the time, in fact it would annoy you. So be happy this girl is happy, even proud, to step up there and be the textee.

    Another point is that some women make big efforts with their MILs for the partners sake. Actively fostering a friendship. While it wouldn't be my cup of tea, I can see why someone would do it. If this is the case with your SIL, then she might be proud of their friendship, it might make her feel more secure with her partner, more part of the family.


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    #50
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
    SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?

    You're doing better. Right now as far as everyone's concerned, she's the dope. If you ALLOW her to drag you into conflict about, as far as everyone's concerned you'll both be dopes. How does it play out when she announces these texts?

    If you respond, either go the "aw that's sweet route" or if you can't bring yourself to do that, keep it short and neutral and change the subject.

    "Oh bla bla their mams after texting me"

    "...Cool. Anyways lads what was yer man like earlier in the pub?"

    Some women just cannot seem to help themselves competing with the other women in their lives, and it's usually over petty nonsense like this. Obviously she's picked up on the dynamic in the family and picked that as her battle.

    Just don't let yourself get dragged down to that level.


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    #51
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    She sounds like a weirdo. Ignore it, you dont have to take it on board.. what ever shes doing.. its all coming from whatever goes on in that strange little mind of hers.. dont involve yourself, when she brings it up smile, nod and either change the subject or walk away.


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    #52
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    Just smile sweetly and pay her no heed. By the way I hope you have changed the names/details of your situation, you could be identified very quickly...


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    #53
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    Some of you are agreeing with me, some are saying it might not be malicious.
    It's malicious, end of. My boyfriend said she never brought flowers before I came along. Is that not a sign that she is trying to get a competition going? She never bought her Christmas presents, she never was close to her and then I came along and she started brown nosing.
    So yea it's malicious. It's childish, immature and malicious. No other way about it. It's putting her back in her box when she gets malicious is what I want to do coz I don't want to go my life with this in-law wrecking my bloody head about her and Mary being best friends. I don't care about it but I want her to 100% know that I don't give a ****e. Then she might stop. I think my frustration with, she interperates it into "this girl is jealous" when really I just want her to stop coz its wrecking my head and everyone else's head because it's looks so "forced".


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    #54
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    mapaca wrote: »
    Just smile sweetly and pay her no heed. By the way I hope you have changed the names/details of your situation, you could be identified very quickly...

    One of the names is different, not them all! But I say I will be fine, coz I only have my surname in my username !


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    #55
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,322 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    bee06 wrote: »
    Probably an “Irish mammy” type who thinks he sons can’t take care of themselves and it’s the woman’s job to do it.

    I must be a bad Irish Mammy so :o


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    #56
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    SAMTALK wrote: »
    bee06 wrote: »
    Probably an “Irish mammy” type who thinks he sons can’t take care of themselves and it’s the woman’s job to do it.

    I must be a bad Irish Mammy so :o
    I don't think you're a bad Irish mammy, my mother would never my brothers wife about his whereabouts.


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    #57
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    OP are you actually listening to the advice? Or just trying to convince us your right and she's wrong?


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    #58
    Kilduffyras1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 61 ✭✭Kilduffyras1


    I am listening and gonna take it on board!


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    #59
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    Some of you are agreeing with me, some are saying it might not be malicious.
    It's malicious, end of. My boyfriend said she never brought flowers before I came along. Is that not a sign that she is trying to get a competition going? She never bought her Christmas presents, she never was close to her and then I came along and she started brown nosing.
    So yea it's malicious. It's childish, immature and malicious. No other way about it. It's putting her back in her box when she gets malicious is what I want to do coz I don't want to go my life with this in-law wrecking my bloody head about her and Mary being best friends. I don't care about it but I want her to 100% know that I don't give a ****e. Then she might stop. I think my frustration with, she interperates it into "this girl is jealous" when really I just want her to stop coz its wrecking my head and everyone else's head because it's looks so "forced".

    To be honest you are starting to sound like the childish, immature and malicious one. You are far too involved in all these people's lives, can yourself and the boyfriend not find other people to hang out with? If your woman wants to suck up to her MIL then let her off, let her do whatever she wants. But there's no point claiming you don't care about her relationship with the mother, because you've gone and created a whole thread about it.


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    #60
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,507 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Kilduffyras1 wrote: »
    I don't care about it but I want her to 100% know that I don't give a ****e.

    But you do care about it. It bothers you so much that you felt the need to start a thread about it here, bring her weight into it, have a pop at the people who think you're being a total drama queen and want your boyfriend to tell his own mother to eff off.

    You might be trying to fool yourself into thinking you don't care, OP, but I don't think anyone else is buying it.


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    #61
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    Laying down the law and putting her back in her box. Op read back over your posts and imagine you're reading a strangers issue. You sound so aggressive.


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