A protective mother with 2 sons, and their girlfriends are in competition.

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I have tryed this moving into an apartment with him but he doesn't want to, and when his mother heard us over talking about it one day, she barged in and was like "what, what?" And his friend was there and said in a joking voice "did u not hear they're getting an apartment together" and you know what she said back "No they're not". So I'm at a brick wall here! This MIL is horrendously difficult.

This is a far bigger issue than anything else you have posted in the thread. Has he said why he doesn't want to move in with you?

allym

Jesus OP your boyfriend would wanna sort himself out.

You need to have a think if you want to put up with this for the rest of your life. If he’s not willing to move out because he has it too good at home that’s not going to change. You’re heading for a heartache here I think

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Yes but other posters here keep bringing up them not being able to do their washing but they can't do their washing because of her. So I don't know what they want me to reply

She was away for the week. He had the perfect opportunity to give the washing machine a whirl and see if he had a taste for washing his own clothes. He didn't. His mother is never going to change, for change to happen your boyfriend has to stand up for himself and start acting like an adult..... if he wants to.

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I would see him not being able to do anything for himself because of her because she has him ruined.

He might not be able to do any of these things, but he's also choosing not to learn. He could have taken the initiative and stuck the clothes in the washing machine. He could have sent you a text saying 'what temperature is best for washing clothes?' if he was really stuck and then he would have learned something.

Presumably his mother is not sitting in his bedroom watching him 24/7. He could have packed his own clothes by himself at night for your holiday and if she questioned it, told her it was done and resisted any interference on her part. How did she find out you had planned a wardrobe clear out if he didn't tell her? He feeds into this. It's not all one way traffic. BTW you decided he needed to do the clear out, not him. Not exactly him taking responsibility for himself.

Actually I would bet that if he agreed to move in with you, you'd find that he was going home at weekends with a bundle of washing because his mother would have told him that she would do it to keep that dynamic going and he would agree as he wouldn't have to do it himself. Or he would be calling in after work for the dinner so he wouldn't have to cook himself, and the mother would be telling him to come home for dinner so he can be sure that he gets a proper meal into him etc, etc.

Kilduffyras1

After reading all these comments I don't know what to do anymore. As one poster said he's an overgrown toddler and that's exactly what he is. I think she should have reared them to be more independent but how do i reverse this. How do i get him to stop being so attached to his mammy and loving her waiting on him. Do i threaten to break up with him if he doesn't change? What do I do? His excuse is that he hasn't got a proper job out of his course yet and doesn't want to get an apartment now and pay a deposit incase he gets a job in dublin in 2 months. I don't know is this a valid excuse

Big Bag of Chips

You see again you are taking on the responsibility for HIM to take responsibilty for himself!! There's nothing YOU can do. Apart from telling him that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a useless adult. You need to be prepared for what will happen though. Because I 100% guarantee you if you offer the ultimatum of her (his mother) or me, you will lose out. Unless you are prepared to step 100% into that role. He WILL break up with you rather than learn how to operate a washing machine. Just let that sink in for a minute.

How hard is he looking for jobs? Or does he expect mammy to find one for him?

K_P

So his mother has him ruined. How will that change when you move in together? I can tell you now. It won't.

He might be a lovely guy and not mean to take advantage of you or mean for you to do all the housework. But he's lived his whole life having everything done for him. I can guarantee you he has no idea how much work there is in keeping a house ticking over. For him, for his entire life, his mother has made every decision for him, fresh laundry just appears in his room, dinners are magically made, served and tidied up afterwards, bags packed, appointments made, bills taken care of.

Honestly, you have a very very short window while you're both sort of young (between 20-25 you say) to get him to change. If this goes on much longer into adulthood, he'll never change. He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Then again, some women love that, they want to feel important by having to "mind" their partner, being considered the boss, rolling their eyes at how useless he is. If this is you, great! You're on to a winner. If not, there's more trouble ahead than just some text messages from your mother in law.

Kilduffyras1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You see again you are taking on the responsibility for HIM to take responsibilty for himself!! There's nothing YOU can do. Apart from telling him that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a useless adult. You need to be prepared for what will happen though. Because I 100% guarantee you if you offer the ultimatum of her (his mother) or me, you will lose out. Unless you are prepared to step 100% into that role. He WILL break up with you rather than learn how to operate a washing machine. Just let that sink in for a minute.

How hard is he looking for jobs? Or does he expect mammy to find one for him?

I think you're being unfair, I don't think he would go to the drastic step of breaking up with me if I asked him to use a washing machine. That's not fair. We love each other, he's not gonna break up with me over that. He's an overgrown toddler, not shallow.
He's not killing himself look for jobs because he has had everyone do everything for him. Any job he ever had was jobs gotten through relatives

bee06

OP, my mother did everything for me and my siblings when we lived at home and we were terrible and let her. The girls at least learned to cook but the boys didn’t have a clue. However, they moved out and sorted themselves out and became responsible for themselves. My mother could have ruined them like your boyfriend but they didn’t let that happen. You keep blaming the mother but your boyfriend is allowing this to happen. You need to remember that.

bee06

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

He's not killing himself look for jobs because he has had everyone do everything for him. Any job he ever had was jobs gotten through relatives

It actually gets worse the more you tell us to be honest.

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I think you're being unfair, I don't think he would go to the drastic step of breaking up with me if I asked him to use a washing machine. That's not fair. We love each other, he's not gonna break up with me over that. He's an overgrown toddler, not shallow.
He's not killing himself look for jobs because he has had everyone do everything for him. Any job he ever had was jobs gotten through relatives

So he doesn't even have the incentive to go out and seek work himself? That speaks volumes. He's told you that he can't move in with you because he might get a job in Dublin in 2 months? Who's going to get him that job? His mammy? He's no more moving to Dublin in the next 2 months.

No he won't break up with you because of a washing machine, he will break up with you if you make him grow up and act like an independent adult rather than waiting on him hand and foot like his mammy does. It will be a choice between two lifestyles, the one you offer and the one his mother offers. He sees no reason to change the lifestyle he currently has, so effectively has made his choice.

K_P

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

He's not killing himself look for jobs because he has had everyone do everything for him. Any job he ever had was jobs gotten through relatives

You're still making excuses for him. Everyone does things for him so it's not his fault that at 24 (or whatever he is) he is making no effort to get a job. Seriously?

OP, unless he changes, I can see your future crystal clear. So you might as well start now - put on a load of Keith's laundry there, will you, And it's nearly lunchtime. He likes a ham and cheese sandwich with the crusts cut off with a cup of tea. It's not his fault he can't do it himself, everyone's always done it for him... and soon that will be you.

Kilduffyras1

So are you saying that 100% of the time, a man who's a mammys boy won't stay with a girl unless she's going to mammy him? I'm sure there's mammys boys out there where there wives and girlfriends don't take their dependant ****

Kilduffyras1

You are all right in What yee are saying. But what are my options? I'm not happy with it so all I can do is break up with him. And I like him too much for that. I would stick the overgrown toddler carry on into our 30s 40s 50s etc etc because I like him enough that id stick but I'd just rather if it wasn't there for me to have to stick it

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

So are you saying that 100% of the time, a man who's a mammys boy won't stay with a girl unless she's going to mammy him? I'm sure there's mammys boys out there where there wives and girlfriends don't take their dependant ****

He has two choices, he can change or not.

If he changes, great for you, you might have a relationship with an adult who can look after himself.

If he doesn't change you can continue with the relationship in the knowledge that he expects you to fulfill the mammy role or have his mother fulfill it with or without your blessing. Good luck with the longterm interfering mammy who thinks you are terrible for not looking after her son.

You can choose to try and let him fend for himself or you can embrace the mammy role that you don't want. If you don't want a relationship like that and eventually end things he will find a woman who will play mammy, just like his brother did.

K_P

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

So are you saying that 100% of the time, a man who's a mammys boy won't stay with a girl unless she's going to mammy him? I'm sure there's mammys boys out there where there wives and girlfriends don't take their dependant ****

In my experience, he won't break up with you but he'll resist moving in with you, he'll resist getting engaged. If you do manage it, your life will be a series of arguments about housework. He probably won't be doing it to be cruel, but he's just clueless. And you'll probably just give in and take on the mammy role for the sake of a quiet life and because you're sick and tired to your soul of arguing.

As I said, he's still relatively young. You maybe have some time to sort him out, but it's not looking promising with him so entrenched in his mammy's apron strings and you so willing to make excuses for him.

K_P

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Good luck with the longterm interfering mammy who thinks you are terrible for not looking after her son.

This is a very good point. If you're bothered now by his mammy texting the sister in law, it'll be so much worse if you manage to get him to move out and grow up. You'll be the worst in the world, an absolute b***h as far as she's concerned that you're not waiting on him hand and foot. She did it, why can't you?

Kilduffyras1

K_P wrote: »

In my experience, he won't break up with you but he'll resist moving in with you, he'll resist getting engaged. If you do manage it, your life will be a series of arguments about housework. He probably won't be doing it to be cruel, but he's just clueless. And you'll probably just give in and take on the mammy role for the sake of a quiet life and because you're sick and tired to your soul of arguing.

As I said, he's still relatively young. You maybe have some time to sort him out, but it's not looking promising with him so entrenched in his mammy's apron strings and you so willing to make excuses for him.

Well as I said he listens to his mother and when he turns 30, she will tell him to get married to me, and if I get pregnant before 30 (which I want, as I've always wanted kids before 30), she will definitly make him propose then! God forbid I have a child out of wedlock in Marys eyes haha

K_P

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Well as I said he listens to his mother and when he turns 30, she will tell him to get married to me, and if I get pregnant before 30 (which I want, as I've always wanted kids before 30), she will definitly make him propose then! God forbid I have a child out of wedlock in Marys eyes haha

And with that, I'm out. Good luck Ms Kilduff. You've made your bed. Now go lie in it. And then make it up again because your useless boyfriend doesn't know how.

Anne1982h

So OP let’s recap: this man wont move in with you, he is happy for his mammy to be texting and calling him 24/7 . He has no initative to look for a job or progress his career, he makes excuses when you ask him to do things, he can’t cook clean or wash his own clothes or even pack a bag for a holiday. Honestly if you are happy with a man like that best of luck to you but no point in complaining or giving out about him - you know what he is like and you are still going out with him. I would sit down and tell him he is 24 and a man. You have been together for three years. Where does he see this relationship going - does he want to marry you and have children - what parts of the house work and child rearing does he envisage himself doing and why/why not. Listen to what he says and decide if you can deal with his answers for the rest of your life. It’s not about him breaking up with you - why would he - he has his mother minding him 24:7 and you to go out with whenever it suits him. You need to decide whether you want to be in a long term relationship with him knowing what he is like. You need to consider what he would be like if you had a serious illness and needed him to care for you (this happened me at 29 and my Oh went above and beyond for me) and a million other things grown ups need to deal with in real life. It sounds like he is still a child and maybe you need someone more mature.

loalae

Do you know what - I bet you'd meet someone you like just as much who isn't such a dope.

georgina toadbum

You're in a relationship 3 years and he won't move in with you? I think this something way more important than your SIL or MIL.

If he wanted to move in with you, he would. Regardless of how his mother treats him, you, your SIL or the post man.

rainbowtrout

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Well as I said he listens to his mother and when he turns 30, she will tell him to get married to me, and if I get pregnant before 30 (which I want, as I've always wanted kids before 30), she will definitly make him propose then! God forbid I have a child out of wedlock in Marys eyes haha

Do you really want a man who would be proposing to you because his mammy told him to?

Big Bag of Chips

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I would stick the overgrown toddler carry on into our 30s 40s 50s etc etc because I like him enough that id stick but I'd just rather if it wasn't there for me to have to stick it

Really?! Really??

How much will you still "like" him when you have a couple of children. You are wrecked. You do everything. Every single little thing in the house. You do his washing, cook his dinners, look after every small thing that is involved in looking after and bringing up children, and trust me there is more to do than anyone can ever explain to you. You will effectively being a single parent to your children with an overgrown child staring wide eyed at you too wondering what your problem is.

If there is something there about his personality now that you wish wasn't there, how do you think that particular personality trait will look to you as life moves on, and as real adult problems start arising in your lives. Bills, mortgage, cost of school, cost of activities? You're giving out that his mother treats him like a baby yet you're saying you'd be happy to do that for the rest of his life?

What sort of example would you be setting to any sons/daughters that you might have?

When I said earlier he would break up with you rather than learn how to use a washing machine what I meant was he would let you break up with him rather than step up and start behaving like an adult. He won't break up with you, ever, because that would mean having to make a decision for himself. And also if he breaks up with you who will find him another girlfriend who'll put up with his lazy mammy's boy attitiude? So he will stick this out for as long as you are willing to put up with it. When you have had enough that will spell the end of the relationship, because HE'S not going to change.

I feel very sorry for you, OP, because you obviously have a bit of cop on. In this whole ridiculous situation you seem to be the only one with a bit of sense. But - with every post you are getting dragged deeper and deeper into this mess. To the point where the very thing you started your post giving out about you are now saying you would be happy to continue doing for the rest of your life? What you sohuld be doing is saying enough is enough and giving yourself the chance to find someone who you like equally as much who doesn't have those toddler traits and all seeing/all doing mother that you wish your bf hadn't got.

Anne1982h

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Well as I said he listens to his mother and when he turns 30, she will tell him to get married to me, and if I get pregnant before 30 (which I want, as I've always wanted kids before 30), she will definitly make him propose then! God forbid I have a child out of wedlock in Marys eyes haha

Honestly Op look at what you just wrote. So the grand plan is he will propose when told to or earlier if you sneakily get pregnant as it’s what you want and what - Hes too immature to make a decision of having kids so you’ll make it for him? ?? You seem to be in this relationship with eyes open about how ridiculous it is and how immature and childish your boyfriend is - good luck with it and there is no point complaining about him or his mother in law or brother or his brothers girlfriend - no one is forcing you to be in this situation you are choosing to be there.

qwerty13

Have you ever watched ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’? It’s like a preview of your future life!

A domineering and interfering MIL, who thinks you are useless cos you don’t look after her man-child right. The man-child spends his life lying / avoiding his mother and wife, to keep himself out of trouble. The wife turns into an angry shrew, with the frustration of a man-child to look after, and his horrible horrible mother.

For gods sake OP, he’s not just a lazy self-entitled lump around the house, he won’t even get a bloody job. 24 years of age and afraid of his mammy over having any say in his own life. ‘Loser’ is not a word I’d use lightly, but in this case, it fits.

I think you know all this too. I think you know deep down that the problem is him - but it was easier to convince yourself that it’s the brothers GF (mammy no 2).

splinter65

Feminism to the fore in every aspect of the modern world, equality and justice the bywords of the day, and this is where we are in personal relationships?
Something went very very wrong along the way. It’s so depressing and such a shame. Sorry for the unhelpful post, just wanted to make the point.

Kilduffyras1

I do think yee are all correct but I don't think it's 100% his fault! I think he is afraid of her. And I think he wants to avoid the fights. I once asked him to stop texting his mam and enjoy our time at a waterpark and he said "i just want a quiet life and to keep her happy". I do think he has a **** way of handling it. HE should turn around and tell her to stop the texting but he won't. Because I have seen her roar and tell him he's not going out at the age of 22. But yet what I don't understand is why he doesn't want to get away from it because I would

Anne1982h

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I do think yee are all correct but I don't think it's 100% his fault! I think he is afraid of her. And I think he wants to avoid the fights. I once asked him to stop texting his mam and enjoy our time at a waterpark and he said "i just want a quiet life and to keep her happy". I do think he has a **** way of handling it. HE should turn around and tell her to stop the texting but he won't. Because I have seen her roar and tell him he's not going out at the age of 22. But yet what I don't understand is why he doesn't want to get away from it because I would

Like you say he doesn’t want to get away from it. It’s your decision whether you want to put up with it or get away from the whole situation. I know what my decision would be. Good luck with it and if you decide to stay with him you need to accept the situation you’re choosing to stay in - childish boyfriend overbearing mother in law and all the rest. No point complaining when you’ve made the decision to be there. Must spoil the OH this weekend - I’m a lucky girl considering what else is out there!!!

Kilduffyras1

Like the other day we were at Mary's friend's house having dinner and the friend got Keith to bring the dinners from the kitchen to the dining area. Keith brought out my dinner first and she said "why aren't you serving your mother First". And then he handed the dinner to her instead. I was like Oh my god!!!!