A protective mother with 2 sons, and their girlfriends are in competition.

Kilduffyras1

A mother with only 2 children both men in their early 20s and very protective over them. Is it normal or the expected thing for their girlfriends to nearly be in competition with one another to impress the mother and want the mother to prefer her? I'm assuming if there were 3 brothers with 3 girlfriends the situation might seem different.
On nights out one of the girls starts saying out loud "oh your mother is texting me asking me about the both of yee and about where we are and what were doing". She texts her all night nearly as a lick arse. Whereas the other one (me) would rather enjoy the night and simply not involve the mother.

gctest50

Run away. Far and fast

bee06

No, it’s not normal. I like my mother in law but I don’t need to be friends with her or have her know everything we’re up to. If my brother in law had a girlfriend who did then I’d leave her off. If the mother is anyway normal she’ll see through it as well.

Kilduffyras1

I thought the exact same thing. This girl has been going out with my boyfriend's brother for 6 years. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3. When we started going out, I was all trying to organise double dates. I wanted to get on with this girl and have a good relationship with her but in the past year I hate her. She is from cork and every time she comes up to us in galway she buys the mother flowers. She only sees the mother twice a month where I see her every other day. I wonder does she feel threatened that I see the mother more?

Kilduffyras1

It really annoyed me on Friday night. We were sitting in a chipper and she shouted out at my boyfriend "Keith, your mam is texting me about you aswell" and she was smiling and laughing saying it. I was like in my head "Keith is my boyfriend, why is she texting you about my boyfriend, why won't she text ME asking is Keith alright"

peckerhead

You need to chill. Whatever she's trying to stir, she's succeeding.

Kilduffyras1

I know she's succeeding but its the fact she is trying to stir something! I never wanted this competition but she keeps at it and at it. I don't know it she jealous because she knows really me and the mother see each other more, or is she jealous that she's a size 18 and I'm a size 8. I just don't know. Girls have funny ways of seeing things but it's really pissing me off.

mojesius

To be blunt OP, this all sounds like unnecessary hard work that you can just step aside from.

Yer one sounds very immature, I'd just limit my contact with her unless there is a big family event (wedding for example). Stop going out with them when she's in town - Why would you subject yourself to that childish nonsense in your spare time?

You are in a relationship with your boyfriend, not his mother, his brother or his brother's girlfriend.

Some overprotective or 'close' mammies like having their children and partners all over them, baying for their attention, being competitive; and they like being overly involved in their childrens lives. I went out with a mammies boy years ago and found everything that comes with it (competition, interference, sly digs etc) very off-putting. I'd suggest limiting your involvement in the mammy dynamic too for your own sanity.

Here we go

Only person you need to get along withis your bf, if you get along with the brother his gf there mom great if not as long as it's civil your fine, but you only need to worry about how you and him get along, maybe they just click and get along that's fine for them same way your fine if you don't click with them

Kilduffyras1

I know, I need to step back. But it is very hard when the mother is always saying to others "oh you haven't met James girlfriend, Katie from cork, she's a lovely girl".
I guess I just thought the situation was rare, a mother with only 2 kids, both boys, and both wit girlfriends around the same age. I wanted to know if there was any girls in the exact same situation and how they get on with the brother in laws girlfriend and if there's competition there.

Loveinapril

There is only competition if you allow there to be, she can't compete with herself!

So what if she has a different relationship with her boyfriend's mother than you. It seems odd that the mother would be texting asking how her adult sons are but do you really want to be getting texts on a night out from your boyfriend's mother?

Be the more mature one and just let her on. If she says "oh mary is texting about Keith" say "thats nice" and change the conversation.

bee06

To be honest, it kinda sounds like you’re a bit jealous that the mother seems to get on with the other girl better.

Kilduffyras1

And is it even normal for a mother to be texting her nearly 24 year old son when he's on nights out and if he can't get through to him she will text the girlfriend?
I tryed saying this to my boyfriend ages ago but he gets thick, I tell him to tell his mother to eff off and he gets thicker. I know the only time I ever receive a message from my mum if I'm out late is "the roads are slippy, take care driving home". She would never text my boyfriend about my whereabouts. But this woman needs to know his whereabouts at all times. The other night the gym closed at 10pm , nd myself and him went to get a mcflurry and by 10.20 she had text him on his whereabouts. This is so frustrating. And when i confront him about it he says "its nothing to do wit you, nd how would that effect YOU" .I like my boyfriend a lot but his mother is over powering. Will this continue into our life if we ever get married? Will she want to know every minute detail of where he is? She needs to know his plan every evening and if he's gone anywhere else she's ringing him!

Kilduffyras1

I'm just so annoyed about the entire situation. Katie (other girlfriend) seems to be perfectly fine about the mother being IN their relationship. She's fine about her texting her constantly on nights out, she seems to love it. But yet I hate it. I want my boyfriend to have the same attitude to his mother as I would have to mine if she even acted half the way mother in law acts. I would hate if my mother continuously contacted me. As I said I only get warned about taking care when driving in bad weather

Kilduffyras1

bee06 wrote: »

To be honest, it kinda sounds like you’re a bit jealous that the mother seems to get on with the other girl better.

I'm actually not because they don't get on better but it's the attitude of the both of them that pisses me off. Is it a bad thing to lay down the law with this girl when I see her again and let her know that I'm know longer gonna stand her trying to make me jealous?

Anne1982h

I would honestly take a deep breath and forget about this completely. I was in a similar situation. Had to listen to the MIL saying things like ‘oh other son is so lucky to be going out with x’ in a very pointed manner. I always got the impression she liked her a lot more than me - then they broke up and suddenly she was the worlds worse and I was great. No doubt when he goes out with someone new I’ll be demoted to no.2 again. It’s not worth wasting any energy over. His mother will have her own opinions on things and people so let her have them. Just be yourself around her which I’m sure is nice.

I bring my MIL flowers whenever I go to visit as I think it’s nice to bring something when I’m going to stay at her house all weekend. As you clearly live nearby this is a moot point for you but I wouldn’t think it’s the other girl licking up. If you wanted to be nice you could get her a small Christmas/birthday gift or a nice Easter egg - I do that too.

Finally why do you care if she’s texting the other gf or your boyfriend. Some parents worry. As long as he’s not saying I need to go home ASAP as his mother wants him then what’s the harm in her texting and him texting back saying I’m fine and that he is out with you. You’re building it all up in your head. You be you and let the other girlfriend be herself. If your boyfriend is happy to check in with his Mam so she knows he is ok then let him do that too.

baby and crumble

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Will this continue into our life if we ever get married? Will she want to know every minute detail of where he is? She needs to know his plan every evening and if he's gone anywhere else she's ringing him!

Probably, yes. I have a similar situation but at least it drives my wife mad. I don't understand it, i could go a week or two without talking to my Dad but she rings my wife EVERY day, sometimes more. I'm used to it now and to be fair she rarely involves me - if there's a panic on I might get a text but otherwise it's not too bad.

But it won't change, especially if your BF doesn't care about it. He's probably used to it and thinks most families are the same.

DaeryssaOne

I hope you're using fake names here OP as Ireland is a very small place?
While it's probably a bit annoying of the other girl and she could maybe grow up a bit I don't see why you're getting so wound up about it, it's particularly b*tchy saying she's doing it because you're thinner than her :eek:

If you do have such a great relationship with the MIL then what does it matter if the brother's gf is chatting to her too? You see her every other day, she doesn't see her as often and probably likes to make a point of not feeling left out as she's only there a couple of times a month. Be the bigger person (figuratively - you've pointedly told us that she is physically the bigger person) and just let it go.

With regard to the texting - every family is different, maybe the mother worries a lot and needs assurance from her sons that they're ok, not really your business if they like to send a quick text to let her know all is fine, telling your boyfriend that she should eff off is both rude and disrespectful and I don't blame him for getting annoyed with you.

Dial Hard

Kilduffyras1 wrote:

I know she's succeeding but its the fact she is trying to stir something! I never wanted this competition but she keeps at it and at it. I don't know it she jealous because she knows really me and the mother see each other more, or is she jealous that she's a size 18 and I'm a size 8. I just don't know. Girls have funny ways of seeing things but it's really pissing me off.

It sounds like there's a pair of you in it, tbh.

loalae

Your boyfriend's relationship with his mother is his business and I think by telling him how you want him to interact with his mother you've overstepped the mark. You have no right to do that. Yes it would drive you mad if your mam did that but his relationship is different and you need to accept that.

Let the other girl do whatever she wants - it's no reflection on you!

I think the only potential problem that could arise is if your boyfriend starts to want you to behave differently. If he does you'd be perfectly right to tell him to feck off. Otherwise how on earth does his mother texting her son's girlfriend affect you at all?

bee06

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I'm actually not because they don't get on better but it's the attitude of the both of them that pisses me off. Is it a bad thing to lay down the law with this girl when I see her again and let her know that I'm know longer gonna stand her trying to make me jealous?

Lay down the law! You don’t get to control her relationship with the mother. You assume she’s trying to make you jealous but maybe she’s just happy to be texting her. The two sons seem to be ok with the relationships they have with her as well and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to change. You need to decide if you can deal with it or not.

Kilduffyras1

Otherwise how on earth does his mother texting her son's girlfriend affect you at all?[/quote]

Texting her son's girlfriend about how he is is fine. but texting her about both of her boys, when one of them is my BF and when I'm sitting right beside them all is frustrating. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm not responsible enough to look after my boyfriend on a night out. Like why doesn't she text Katie and say "how's James, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him" and then text me "how's Keith, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him"

Kilduffyras1

loalae wrote: »

Your boyfriend's relationship with his mother is his business and I think by telling him how you want him to interact with his mother you've overstepped the mark. You

I think the only potential problem that could arise is if your boyfriend starts to want you to behave differently. If he does you'd be perfectly right to tell him to feck off. Otherwise how on earth does his mother texting her son's girlfriend affect you at all?

Texting her son's girlfriend about how he is is fine. but texting her about both of her boys, when one of them is my BF and when I'm sitting right beside them all is frustrating. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm not responsible enough to look after my boyfriend on a night out. Like why doesn't she text Katie and say "how's James, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him" and then text me "how's Keith, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him"

bee06

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Otherwise how on earth does his mother texting her son's girlfriend affect you at all?

Texting her son's girlfriend about how he is is fine. but texting her about both of her boys, when one of them is my BF and when I'm sitting right beside them all is frustrating. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm not responsible enough to look after my boyfriend on a night out. Like why doesn't she text Katie and say "how's James, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him" and then text me "how's Keith, is he drunk, when will yee be home, look after him"

And you’re not jealous that she’s getting texts and you’re not? Why would she send 2 texts when you’re all together?

loalae

But....do you want her to do that? I though you said that it drives you mad that she texts your boyfriend so often. Surely you'd find it even more annoying if she was texting you?

DaeryssaOne

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this but I think you just need to get over yourself to be honest

Kilduffyras1

loalae wrote: »

But....do you want her to do that? I though you said that it drives you mad that she texts your boyfriend so often. Surely you'd find it even more annoying if she was texting you?

I know but it's the fact that she is loving announcing it to us that the mother is texting her. It's not making me jealous, it's the fact that she is trying to make me jealous that annoys me and she thinks she's making me jealous. I would not want to give her that satisfaction and think in her her head "Mary prefers me". Why can't she just text her back and say nothing. Why is she announcing it to us all.

Anne1982h

To be honest you sound a bit immature in all of this. It’s perfectly plausible that she would text her about your boyfriend. You don’t own him. He is her boyfriends brother and she is out on a night out with him so she is in the perfect position to inform his mother how he is if she is texting her and wanting to know. If it makes you feel like she doesn’t think you can take care of her son then that is your feelings and interpretation of the situation and nothing to do with either the mother or the girlfriend. It’s your problem. Like I said previously you’ve completely built this up in your head. Maybe the other girlfriend is a nice friendly girl who likes bringing her mother in law flowers when she comes to stay and is happy to text her 24/7 - let her be how she wants to be and you be how you want to be.

GingerLily

You all sound like a nightmare!

She probably feels very left out as she doesn't live near you all so is over compensating - just ignore her. I doubt her intention is to make you jealous!

You however sound quite unreasonable - she must be jealous of you because your skinny?? Do you realise how conceited that sounds.

bee06

OP, the girlfriend has been around for longer than you. They already have a set dynamic since before you came along. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you get to lay down the law and change it.

Kilduffyras1

A lot of you are speaking correctly. But having said that, at the end of the day is it normal that my mother in all is texting her about MY boyfriend?. In all honesty, is this normal? The mother is texting her about HER boyfriend and his brother. Even though I'm sitting there right next to them alive and well?

woodchuck

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

A lot of you are speaking correctly. But having said that, at the end of the day is it normal that my mother in all is texting her about MY boyfriend?. In all honesty, is this normal? The mother is texting her about HER boyfriend and his brother. Even though I'm sitting there right next to them alive and well?

You're coming across as very possessive.

The mother is talking to this girl anyway, so it's only natural that she'd ask her about both of her sons if she knows you're all on a night out together.

DaeryssaOne

She's not texting this girl about your boyfriend she is texting her about HER son, she's not doing it to get at you but it's convenient to ask the person who will actually respond. I'm sure your attitude to her texting has been made clear to her over the years and she knows she won't get an answer from you so why not ask the person who will respond and is sitting there with her son?

Kilduffyras1

bee06 wrote: »

OP, the girlfriend has been around for longer than you. They already have a set dynamic since before you came along. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you get to lay down the law and change it.

I don't want to change it. But believe me people this girl is making it extremely obvious that she is TRYING to make me jealous and that she is putting all of her energy in trying to win what she thinks is a stupid battle. The brothers friend said one night that she is brown nosing Mary. He said it joking to her and we all laughed about it but why would he come out with that if he wasn't noticing. Any time we are out she has to announce "Mary is texting me"

Anne1982h

Agree 100% with previous poster. She is texting her son, the girl receiving the text is getting a text about her boyfriends brother who she happens to be out with. You don’t own him. He is an independent person who means different things to different people. Ok the mother seems very involved but as long as the son doesn’t have a problem with it you shouldn’t either. On the one hand you say the texting is annoying and you would rather enjoy your night out then you say why aren’t you getting the texts as you’re apparently the only person who can say how your boyfriend is..... doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. And if she constantly announces she is getting the texts and is brown nosing the mother - who honestly cares. Let her do it. Next time she announces it just say ‘that’s lovely tell her hi from me.’ And carry on with your night out.

meeeeh

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

A lot of you are speaking correctly. But having said that, at the end of the day is it normal that my mother in all is texting her about MY boyfriend?. In all honesty, is this normal? The mother is texting her about HER boyfriend and his brother. Even though I'm sitting there right next to them alive and well?

Op I think you are just overinvolved. You were organising double dates, you pay way too much attention about what the other two are doing and who the mother is texting. Why would you care? You are in a relationship with one man and not with the whole clan including the future in-laws. The relationship others have with mammy doesn't seem to affect you at all except it being obvious yours is not the same. Since you don't want it to be I really don't know what the issue is.

bee06

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I don't want to change it. But believe me people this girl is making it extremely obvious that she is TRYING to make me jealous and that she is putting all of her energy in trying to win what she thinks is a stupid battle. The brothers friend said one night that she is brown nosing Mary. He said it joking to her and we all laughed about it but why would he come out with that if he wasn't noticing. Any time we are out she has to announce "Mary is texting me"

Grand, you don’t want to change anything, their friends think she’s a joke so leave her off. You don’t control her, you control your reaction.

Whispered

You sound possessive and very unreasonable.

You're going to lay down the law.

You want him to tell his mother to "eff off"

She's "obviously" trying to make you jealous.

She's jealous because she's bigger than you (wtf?!)

You really need to take a step back and reevaluate this situation. It sounds like you're trying to cause issues.

Kilduffyras1

I think I just want to get on with her and always have but to be honest she sees it as a competition. I'm no longer going to even speak to her or make effort with her and try to be pally. It's just gonna be hello and goodbye. And hopefully she will get sick of her own games after a while.

GingerLily

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I think I just want to get on with her and always have but to be honest she sees it as a competition. I'm no longer going to even speak to her or make effort with her and try to be pally. It's just gonna be hello and goodbye. And hopefully she will get sick of her own games after a while.

You can only control your own behaviour so that's not a bad plan!

Kilduffyras1

But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me " should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.

SAMTALK

Am i the only one who finds the whole thing very strange!

Why doesn't the mother just text her sons and ask what she wants to ask?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I know but it's the fact that she is loving announcing it to us that the mother is texting her. It's not making me jealous, it's the fact that she is trying to make me jealous that annoys me and she thinks she's making me jealous. I would not want to give her that satisfaction and think in her her head "Mary prefers me". Why can't she just text her back and say nothing. Why is she announcing it to us all.

Yeah, you think kicking off about it all won't give her the satisfaction?

Maybe she's insecure, maybe she's stirring. If it's the former and you react like that, she'll be shocked and you'll come across as the bad guy. If it's the latter, you've done exactly what she wants and you'll come across the bad guy.

You're considering starting some potentially headwrecking family drama because you're annoyed about what somebody else might be thinking. I don't mean to be harsh but you seem like someone who appreciates direct communication: grow up and get over it.

Whispered

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me " should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.

"aw that's so nice you guys have a great relationship!" big smile. If she's stirring then she won't know whow to react, the very thing she's trying to annoy you with has made you smile. If she's not stirring then no harm done commenting on the fact they have a nice relationship.

bee06

SAMTALK wrote: »

Am i the only one who finds the whole thing very strange!

Why doesn't the mother just text her sons and ask what she wants to ask?

Probably an “Irish mammy” type who thinks he sons can’t take care of themselves and it’s the woman’s job to do it.

Kilduffyras1

Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?

Kilduffyras1

Whispered wrote: »

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

But just a bit of advice I need. When she does it again. What's the best way to reply to her? I don't want to make this girl think I'm jealous so when she says again, "aw Mary is texting me " should I say nothing or should I make a smart remark, or what should I say to let her think I don't care. I just don't want her thinking she is getting at me.

"aw that's so nice you guys have a great relationship!" big smile. If she's stirring then she won't know whow to react, the very thing she's trying to annoy you with has made you smile. If she's not stirring then no harm done commenting on the fact they have a nice relationship.

I would see this as her thinking "its really annoying her now that she sees our good relationship and is commenting on it, I'll keep going" but then and again I'm bad at reverse psychology 😂

GingerLily

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?

The problem is - even if this girl is being malicious - if you call her on it you'll look like the bad guy - so oh have to behave like an adult with maturity and your head held high .

As a previous poster said - next time she tells you she'd texting his mother tell her your happy their relationship. The next time she tells you ask her why she's telling you, and maybe point out that you don't need to know who she's texting.

Whispered

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

I would see this as her thinking "its really annoying her now that she sees our good relationship and is commenting on it, I'll keep going" but then and again I'm bad at reverse psychology ��

But is it reverse psychology? It is nice if they have a good relationship. It's nice for her, for your mother in law, for your brother in law. Even for you. When the people around us are happy and stable, life is happier. The last thing you want is a drama filled family, I assume. So it is nice.

If she is stirring and you comment on her great relationship with a smile on your face, if you actively encourage it, if it means nothing to you beyond thinking it's sweet, then let her contiune to comment. You continue to "be happy" for them. She can't make you feel jealous about something you don't care about. You don't want her texting you all the time, in fact it would annoy you. So be happy this girl is happy, even proud, to step up there and be the textee.

Another point is that some women make big efforts with their MILs for the partners sake. Actively fostering a friendship. While it wouldn't be my cup of tea, I can see why someone would do it. If this is the case with your SIL, then she might be proud of their friendship, it might make her feel more secure with her partner, more part of the family.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Kilduffyras1 wrote: »

Ok so maybe you all think this girl means no harm. Have you ever spoken with someone and you and everyone else knows what their intentions are? Well this girl wants to make me jealous. It's obvious to me, it's obvious to the boy's friends, it's obvious to my boyfriend (he thinks "she's a dope").
SO, how do i reply to this girl when she says these things? How do you deal with these people who are playing their own games. Am I doing better or worse by not replying to her at all?

You're doing better. Right now as far as everyone's concerned, she's the dope. If you ALLOW her to drag you into conflict about, as far as everyone's concerned you'll both be dopes. How does it play out when she announces these texts?

If you respond, either go the "aw that's sweet route" or if you can't bring yourself to do that, keep it short and neutral and change the subject.

"Oh bla bla their mams after texting me"

"...Cool. Anyways lads what was yer man like earlier in the pub?"

Some women just cannot seem to help themselves competing with the other women in their lives, and it's usually over petty nonsense like this. Obviously she's picked up on the dynamic in the family and picked that as her battle.

Just don't let yourself get dragged down to that level.

Airyfairy12

She sounds like a weirdo. Ignore it, you dont have to take it on board.. what ever shes doing.. its all coming from whatever goes on in that strange little mind of hers.. dont involve yourself, when she brings it up smile, nod and either change the subject or walk away.