Age gap

bannerdb · 11-12-2017 10:44PM #1

Hi folks,

I need some advice or guidance. I have recently met a woman in my local theatre group and we have really hit it off. We have realised that we have lots in common. We love the same music, books, movies, food. At a recent theatre wrap party we just spent the entire night talking by ourselves, sharing stories and talking about our shared interests, oblivious to everything going on around us. Since then we have been texting non stop. All day every day. I really want to ask her out. One issue though,(or is it?) I am 31 and she is 19 going on 20 in January. I'm worried about the age gap. Is it too big to expect a realistic prospect of a relationship? We live in a small town. Is it fair to expose her to the inevitable small minded gossip? I'm also separated and have a 3 yr old daughter. Would it be fair to them?

Some advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

Kidchameleon · 11-12-2017 10:53PM

Go for it. Worst thing that can happen is she'll say no. Dont worry about gossips. Its none of your ex's business and your child doesnt need to know anything. You can tell your child if things get serious. Even then you shouldnt tell her anything for a long long time into the relationship.

Daisy78 · 11-12-2017 11:53PM

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. The dynamics of being in a relationship with a much older man can be much more complicated than if she was seeing someone her own age. You are a grown man, she probably has little to no experience of relationships, it's not a level playing field in terms of experience and maturity. On top of that you have a marriage behind you a child which is a lot for any woman to take on never mind a 19 year old. I'm sure you do like her but I think you would do her a bigger favour by cooling things down a bit. She would be much better off dating a guy her own age and she won't have the opportunity to do that if something were to happen between the both of you.

Aspadeaspade · 12-12-2017 12:03AM

I would say go for it OP. Age doesn't come into it when you have lots in common and lots of shared interests. If she's mature enough for you mentally, which she sounds like she is.. ask her out if you think there's a spark for both of you. Good luck!

Dr Crayfish · 12-12-2017 12:07AM

In this day and age I don't think it's realistic. She'll have so many opportunities in front of her, things that aren't an option for you any more. Youd probably be doing her a favour in letting her go.

bannerdb · 12-12-2017 12:34AM

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Looks like there is nothing clear cut about this dilemma ðŸ˜® I really do want to ask her out...I have never had a connection like this with anyone before. But I just cannot get past the fact that she is only about to turn twenty and that she does have , and will have, as one of the replies quite rightly pointed out, have so many opportunities in front of her. As far as maturity goes, I think one of the reasons there is such a strong attraction, is that she has such a level and wise head on her shoulders. When she told me she was only turning 20 in January, I was really surprised. I also worry for the strain a relationship with someone who is older would put on her own relationship with her family and her peers.

Sinead Mc1 · 12-12-2017 09:09AM

I met my husband when I was 19. He was 29. We're together 14 years now. He also has a child from a previous relationship!
It's gas. We both agree it must have seemed a bit scandalous at the time but everyone agrees that it just worked for us.
Alot of my friends traveled alot. Something I definitely didn't do because of my relationship. Sometimes I feel I should regret this but I really don't. I don't think travel interested me that much anyway.
If I felt it did things might have been different.
My main point would be that she is old enough to make her own decisions.
I was free to walk away whenever I wanted.

silverharp · 12-12-2017 09:27AM

i'd say go for it, you are obviously a decent person the fact you are thinking about it. There is no right or wrong, for my parents generation this age difference wouldnt have been so unusual

Xterminator · 12-12-2017 10:18AM

Hi Op

you are well aware there are challenges to this relationship. that's good because you do live in the real world & you can discuss and work through any issues if you do form a relationship.

But if you are asking is it worth following your heart, or should you be cautious because it might not work out; then there really is only one answer. go for it. otherwise you will regret missed opportunities.

whoopsadoodles · 12-12-2017 10:31AM

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. .

I don't think the young woman should be patronised in this way.

Not all 20 year olds are mindless children and I think the woman should be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself.

If the OP feels that the age difference is an issue for him or for his child then absolutely that is valid, but if it's that he feels she may have an issue with the age difference then perhaps she should be the one to make the choice.

If you think you will regret not asking her out in years to come, then ask her out. If you think it's just passing lust, then consider the risks.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2017 11:15AM

Op go for it . It’s not that unusual , some women at 19 are very mature and level headed and some are not .
It certainly doesn’t boil down to birth certs

eviltwin · 12-12-2017 12:02PM

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. The dynamics of being in a relationship with a much older man can be much more complicated than if she was seeing someone her own age. You are a grown man, she probably has little to no experience of relationships, it's not a level playing field in terms of experience and maturity. On top of that you have a marriage behind you a child which is a lot for any woman to take on never mind a 19 year old. I'm sure you do like her but I think you would do her a bigger favour by cooling things down a bit. She would be much better off dating a guy her own age and she won't have the opportunity to do that if something were to happen between the both of you.

That should be for her to decide shouldn't it? No harm in the OP asking her out.

Daisy78 · 12-12-2017 02:18PM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. .

I don't think the young woman should be patronised in this way.

Not all 20 year olds are mindless children and I think the woman should be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself.

If the OP feels that the age difference is an issue for him or for his child then absolutely that is valid, but if it's that he feels she may have an issue with the age difference then perhaps she should be the one to make the choice.

If you think you will regret not asking her out in years to come, then ask her out. If you think it's just passing lust, then consider the risks.

I didn't say anything about her being a mindless child or patronise her??! He asked for opinions and I gave mine. The point I was trying to make, obviously not very well it would seem is that at that age you are still trying to figure out what you want in life in terms of college, career, if you want to see the world,etc Entering into a relationship with a much older man, who has much bigger responsilities is a big consideration for someone so young. What if she wants to move to another part of the country or indeed abroad for work in a few years time? Given that you have a child to consider this might not be an option for you. It's all well and good to say throw caution to the wind and go for it but there could potential heartache down the line if your paths diverge.

Bambi985 · 12-12-2017 02:37PM

I'm your age OP and I can't think of what I'd have in common with a 19 year old, maybe a few of the more fickle things you mentioned if at all. Books, films etc. From a "life stage" perspective, the likelihood of you being compatible in the way you need to be to have a healthy relationship are pretty slim - she's just out of school/maybe in college and that carefree period is about a decade ago for you now that you're in your 30s and have greater responsibilities.

You'll always get the "I met my wife when she was x and we're married 40 years" posts on these threads but by and large these relationships aren't the norm, aren't prone to lasting and will face a lot of judgement and objection publicly, they can often be divisive when it comes to family and friends too. Things you'd want to consider when you're thinking not just of yourself, but also your child and this woman.

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Passenger · 12-12-2017 04:16PM

Definitely go for it imo. Life is too short for hemming and hawing and wondering what could have been.

Some posters in this thread are looking too far ahead, they're already marrying you two ffs. Even if you only had a few dates with this girl you could have a great time together and it would be well worth it.

Emme · 12-12-2017 04:23PM

If the genders were changed and it was a woman of 31 wanting to date a 19 year old man what would people think? I bet people wouldn't be saying "go for it" then.

OP you might as well ask her out. You'll regret it if you don't. It's a man's world when it comes to dating and you're right to make the most of it. You have a shared interest which is a good start. Your ex won't be happy about it though and you have to consider how it would impact on your child if your relationship with this woman gets serious and you have chidlren with her.

coolcat63 · 12-12-2017 04:28PM

When I was 20 I had a 3 year relationship with a 42 year old! Go for it.

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Dj Stiggie · 12-12-2017 05:11PM

Emme wrote: »

If the genders were changed and it was a woman of 31 wanting to date a 19 year old man what would people think? I bet people wouldn't be saying "go for it" then

Why not? I dated a woman twelve years older than me when I was 21.

OP I would just say to keep in mind that she probably will want to do things that may not suit or interest you, such as backpack or go on a J1 and it wouldn't be fair of you to hold her back from these opportunities. If things aren't going to work out, it's much better to leave on a high where she remembers how you helped her grow, instead of her resenting you for things she feels you held her back from doing.

whoopsadoodles · 12-12-2017 05:19PM

Daisy78 wrote: »

I didn't say anything about her being a mindless child or patronise her??! He asked for opinions and I gave mine. The point I was trying to make, obviously not very well it would seem is that at that age you are still trying to figure out what you want in life in terms of college, career, if you want to see the world,etc Entering into a relationship with a much older man, who has much bigger responsilities is a big consideration for someone so young. What if she wants to move to another part of the country or indeed abroad for work in a few years time? Given that you have a child to consider this might not be an option for you. It's all well and good to say throw caution to the wind and go for it but there could potential heartache down the line if your paths diverge.

Saying a woman of 20 is still just a kid is patronising, imo.

A 20 year old guy could have a child and be "stuck" living in the same locality for life.

A 32 year old woman could have the opportunity to travel for work.

Age shouldn't be the be all and end all when two consenting adults want to be together and certainly a woman's decision shouldn't be made for her because she is younger.

um7y1h83ge06nx · 12-12-2017 06:06PM

Go for it! It might be good for both of you, giving you a different perspective on things compared to a woman your own age.

WIZWEB · 12-12-2017 08:13PM

19 year age gap in my last relationship. Me the older one! The age gap was never really an issue. I left after a few years for a multitude of other valid reasons.

milli milli · 13-12-2017 09:53AM

I come from a creative background and a significant amount of friends and colleagues have large age-gap relationships (10, 20 and even 30 year gaps. All consenting adults). No one bats an eyelid.

I suppose creative people aren't as black-and-white in thinking about things and so an age gap isn't really a big deal at all. All people are different and at different life stages, despite their ages.
I think what's important is the connection you have with someone and most people know that a really good connection with someone is actually quite hard to find.

Yes there are challenges but all relationships will have some kind of challenges and people in similar age relationships break up everyday, so age isn't always the deciding factor.

bannerdb · 13-12-2017 09:53AM

Thank you all for your advice. Some really valid points made. Cheers.for taking the time to help me with the dilemma.

Icepick · 13-12-2017 05:26PM

these relationships aren't the norm, aren't prone to lasting and will face a lot of judgement and objection publicly

I would never consider this re age. And it's patronizing to OP.

Dr Crayfish · 13-12-2017 05:44PM

Icepick wrote: »

I would never consider this re age. And it's patronizing to OP.

I think you could safely say majority of relationships like this don't last.

MartyMcFly84 · 13-12-2017 06:17PM

Its 11/12 year age gap. I know people who think its too much I know others who it seems to work for. It really depends on the people.

Personally I am 33 and in general I would feel that a woman 25 or younger would be just in a different place than I am. With the age gap of 11 years I think is very different if she was 30 and you were 41. By 30 most people have had lots of life experience and are ready to settle. At 19 , this person has likely never lived outside of their parents house..

What happens if she, goes off to college or wants to go back packing for 3 months, or go on J1 or and year to Australia? These are very common things for young people to do before they take on the responsibilities of work, long term relationships and kids.

I am sure she is quite taken by an older man, lots of women are. But a time might come where she might want to do things her friends or other people her age are doing and might not be able to if she is in a committed relationship, with added responsibilities. This can cause resentment down the line. I sound pretty negative here sorry about that. Just my 2c.

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Tipperary animal lover · 13-12-2017 08:52PM

I'm with my partner 25years age gap of 15years and getting married in 3 weeks, it all comes down to if ye are compatibe, remember every relationship needs to be worked on same as family friends workmates, it's up to you to make it work.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-12-2017 09:09PM

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

What happens if she, goes off to college or wants to go back packing for 3 months, or go on J1 or and year to Australia? These are very common things for young people to do before they take on the responsibilities of work, long term relationships and kids.

Well then she has the option of doing that.

OP, I take it you're thinking of asking her out, not to marry you. Ask her. She may say yes, she may not. It may develop into a relationship it may not. It may last the next 60 years, it may not. Just like if you asked out someone in their 30s.

As mentioned, she's about to turn 20 and perfectly capable of deciding for herself what she wants. As for never lived out of home... Same could be said for many 30 year olds these days.

Age gap

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