Has your parent died?

Rubberlegs

Something that Ryan Tubridy said on the radio after his Dad died always stuck with me. He said when you lose a parent you become part of a club that you don't really want to be a member of. So true.

Heckler

My father died aged 74 after a gradual decline led him to being hospitalised. I was 31.

I was first up to the hospital after we all (mother and siblings) got THAT call but by the time I got there he was gone. When the nurse told me it was a crazy feeling, this being the first close family member of mine to have died. I went totally numb from head to toe and couldn't hear for a few seconds.

A hard part was calling sisters who lived abroad to tell them.

I got on OK with him. I'm one of 3 adoptees. I know he was an angry man, mostly with himself I think. He never raised a hand to any of us apart from the smack on the ass or back of the legs which was the fashion at the time. The mother was far more terrifying with the threat of the wooden spoon.

Since his passing I've learned a lot more about him from my younger sibling who takes a big interest in family history. He had a varied and interesting life that I should have paid more attention to when he was alive.

Death of a parent is hard and may not hit you properly for months or even years after. But it will. And you'll cope.

padraig.od

My father died 11 years ago today. I was in my early twenties. His illness and death changed me. I've never really come to terms with it. It's like my personality was infectected with a sadness that I can't shake off. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but most of the time it's a dull pain. I miss him more these days than I ever did in the past.

I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

Thanks for this thread everyone.

Rubberlegs

My Dad died in the November of the year and I can remember the sheer panic going into the New Year, I had this feeling that I was leaving him behind. I got by telling myself he was on an extended visit down the back of Woodies rooting around looking at stuff as he did. Mad the things you tell yourself to cope:). Almost 7 years now, feels like 17 sometimes and 7 months at others. I wonder sometimes will 10 years be a real punch in the stomach when it comes around. I can't do the grave visiting thing at all, once or twice a year maybe. I feel nothing standing there. I went in the dark last Christmas as it was the only time myself , the eldest and my sister could do together. Nearly sh1t ourselves and couldn't get out of there quick enough!

Heckler

padraig.od wrote: »

My father died 11 years ago today. I was in my early twenties. His illness and death changed me. I've never really come to terms with it. It's like my personality was infectected with a sadness that I can't shake off. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but most of the time it's a dull pain. I miss him more these days than I ever did in the past.

I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

Thanks for this thread everyone.

Maybe you should consider some sort of therapy or counselling. Time generally heals but if you're feeling worse as the years go by it could be an option.

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

prinzeugen

My mum died when I was ten and my dad when I was 20. Mum was unexpected (MS & cancer) but knew my dad was going.

I was a late baby so knew I was going to be young when they died but I didn't realise just how young.

Tim the Enchanter

My da died suddenly. 67. Was about an hour away when my mother called to say he was going to hospital but not to worry. Got on with the job i was at. My sister calls me about 20 minutes later to get to hospital asap. Not a pleasent drive. Met the sister in bits at the door. We were all there when he ran out of breath. I rang the brother who lives in the US to tell him. Was able to hold the phone to da's ear for the brother to say a final fearwell and that was it. He loved life and a party. We had some session to see him off!

Alf Veedersane

I'd just like to add that this has been a great thread and one that I've found it a positive and I'd like to thank people for contributing and making it what it is because I've found it cathartic, today in particular.

aLou991

My mum died when I was 13, she was 36. Very sudden, as in sick to pronounced dead in about two hours.

Was just me and her, I found her when she took that awful turn that ripped her away from me.

I still miss her everyday. Everyday I think of her and everyday I wish she was still here. The reality of it didn't hit me until I was about 20, when all the big stuff started happening, boyfriends etc. Went through a really fkd up time when I was 21 and I'd have taken another mans life if it meant I had her back for five minutes. She really and truly was my best friend. Even now, I feel robbed. I wish I had her with me.

I'm not a big believer in Heaven, but I'm a believer in something. I know that she can do more for me wherever she is than what she could have done if she was still here. I believe everything happens for a reason, and while sometimes it makes sense, no reason will ever be good enough for her being taken away from me.

If I've learned anything, it's that strong women raise strong women. I have my own car, in a fairly decent job for a really good company, and I'm about to buy my own house. I know I've gotten all of my ambition and drive from her, and that is honestly the greatest gift she could have gave me. I know she'd be proud of me and the women I turned out to be.

Time is a healer, but the big stuff still hurts. You'll get there OP, it'll just take some time and alot of bumps in the road.

Heckler

Death is hard. Its the most inevitable thing to face us but its reality is scary.

This thread is fantastic, brutal, sad and ultimately uplifting. Help is in others.

Kerryfootball

My wife lost both her parents before she turned 30, both to cancer and relatively short illnesses.
I'm so happy that her dad was there to walk her down the isle.
There's no one answer that I can give only time and keeping active.
I'm immensely proud of my wife but my heart breaks for her.

notsoyoungwan

Both my parents are still alive, but their health is declining. I lost my grandmother when I was in my early teens, which was a devastating blow. All my life, and for decades before I was born, she had lived with us so she was like a second mother to my siblings and me. It's now more than 20 years since she died, and I can honestly say she is still hugely important to me. I don't think of her every day, or even every week, but there are so many times when I think of her and wonder what she'd think of me and my life now, or I imagine what advice she'd give me about something. I wear her jewellery with pride and though I am not at all religious I have her rosary beads and I have a religious plaque that meant a lot to her, and which she had hanging in her bedroom. Her photo is on my bedside locker. There are times I still get misty-eyed over her, but mostly I count myself so lucky that I had her in my life. I will never be a mother or a grandmother but I hope that I can somehow be as special a guiding figure in someone's life as she was in mine.

Gloomtastic!

Another Boards classic!

My dad worked 6 days a week until he was 81 then had 'an episode' and was incapacitated for the last three years of his life, losing his marbles along the way.

My mum looked after him everyday and night (when his mind would go off with the fairies). Don't know how she did it. I helped out a few days/nights while she had some time away but it was very, very hard 'Dad, there are no cattle at the end of the bed, go back to sleep please!!!'

It was a relief for us all in the end.

Do I miss him? Sort of, he was my Dad and the kindest man I've ever known but we had nothing in common (until I realised recently my morning routine now mirrors what his was - who would have thought! )

My Mum's still here, thank goodness. She's given us a few scares but hopefully we'll get a good few more years with her. She's the best!

signostic

Heckler wrote: »

Death is hard. Its the most inevitable thing to face us but its reality is scary.

This thread is fantastic, brutal, sad and ultimately uplifting. Help is in others.

yes indeed and as is so often said we will all go someday but for me I`m hoping there will an exception..

5starpool

My father died late last year. He was in his mid 80's and had a relatively happy life, and a short enough period of decline leading up to his death. My mother and all their children were there, and a brother of his at the end. It was overwhelmingly sad and a horrible experience, but over the days that followed, lots of humour too in unexpected places intermingled with the grief. Things like that had always seemed like something that happened to other people, not to me or my immediate family, but we found out that isn't the case in reality sadly.

I found out 2 days after the burial that I was going to be a father for the first time, so it was a rollercoaster of a week. I don't believe in god or the afterlife, but going to his grave just to symbolically 'tell him' about the baby was an emotional experience as well. I'm not typically a tearful person, but I found plenty in the days around the event. Christmas was sad, which I spent with my mother who is heartbroken still after over 54 years of marriage, but thinking and talking about him now doesn't bring on tears like it did soon after his death.

It still makes me very sad though, but in the grand scheme of things I'm very lucky to have had them both for so long (and my mother still thankfully). I wish he was around to meet his new grandchild (the first male one to have his surname), but we'll make sure to tell the kid of the granddad he'll never meet.

uch

5starpool wrote: »

I wish he was around to meet his new grandchild (the first male one to have his surname), but we'll make sure to tell the kid of the granddad he'll never meet.

Sorry for your loss, but it always baffled me why this was so important to oul lads, me own Da was the same when my son was born, he had 3 grandkids at the time but my lad was the most important because he had his name, I've heard it from loads of people that it was the same with their families

prinzeugen

uch wrote: »

Sorry for your loss, but it always baffled me why this was so important to oul lads, me own Da was the same when my son was born, he had 3 grandkids at the time but my lad was the most important because he had his name, I've heard it from loads of people that it was the same with their families

Take my brother and myself. We are the last two males of a branch of the family tree.

I know I won't have kids and its highly unlikely my brother will either.

So that is our surname gone from the tree as there is nobody to carry the surname forward.

KatW4

My dad died 16 years ago when I was 11. He was a good dad until his alcoholism took over. He moved out when I was 7 and I didn't see much of him until he was diagnosed with cancer.

I dont have many good memories of him. I wish I knew more about him though.

My granny died 6 years ago and that hit me harder. I miss her so much.

It terrifies me to think that eventually my mum will die. I don't know how I'll cope when that happens.

HandsomeBob

uch wrote: »

Sorry for your loss, but it always baffled me why this was so important to oul lads, me own Da was the same when my son was born, he had 3 grandkids at the time but my lad was the most important because he had his name, I've heard it from loads of people that it was the same with their families

Some oul lads are just insecure like that in regards to their name living on as much as possible. I never met my mother's father but I've been told about some of the outright bizarre sh1t he would say indicating his preference for the grandchildren with his name.

It hurt my mother a lot and while I know my oul lad loved her father like his own too in a way, there was anger there over it. Seemingly it was really obvious around holidays and certain events too which hurt my mother further, once her sons became old enough to realise what was happening. A bitter oul bollox altogether....must be where I get it from. :pac:

I don't think my oul lad gave a fcuk about who had his name tbh as grandkids came late enough in his life, so he was just delighted to have them around and watch them grow up on his floor so to speak.

rekluse

My father died a couple of years ago and I never told him how thankful I was for everything he did for me and how much I loved him. It one of many regrets I have and I would advise others not to make it.

wexandproud

rekluse wrote: »

My father died a couple of years ago and I never told him how thankful I was for everything he did for me and how much I loved him. It one of many regrets I have and I would advise others not to make it.

this for me hits the nail on the head ,
my father also died suddenly a couple of years back and although we had a fantastic relationship i never actually thanked him for all he had done or told him that i loved him.
every time i visit the grave i say it , but it would have been nice to say it to his face

peckerhead

Just read this thread for the first time and want to thank all who've posted. And offer condolences, OP, on your loss.

It's coming up on 30 years next month since my mum passed away at the age of 43 from a brain haemorrhage. I was then 13 and the eldest of the three kids. Then my kid brother died a year later, which was an incredibly hard second blow, especially for my father, just getting back on his feet a year after losing his wife. I had to grow up very fast. The only thing I'm still grateful for is that I was the one to find his body, not my dad.

My dad suffered from heart disease and finally copped a massive heart attack aged 54, the year I turned 30 and my son was born (no, he didn't get to see his grandson; he died a week before the birth).

It left an enormous hole in my life and, still today, an abiding sense of tremendous sadness that my kids growing up never had a grandparent between them, bar the eldest two girls my dad for the first couple of years of their life, and the man didn't know how to change a nappy, God love him. So none of my kids (now all adults) have any real memories of my parents. I should probably talk to them a lot more about them, as someone suggested above. I'll have outlived them both in another few months! :pac:

Mind your folks, folks, and spend time with them. You'll miss them when they're gone.

myshirt

My parents are still alive, but my wife's mother died when she was 12 and her father when she was 19.

It's not easy, no doubt, but you owe it to your parents to keep the chin up and tits out. Stand in defiance of life's challenges, your parents will smile down on you from above, fight like they fought, with courage and strength to overcome what life may throw at you. Persevere and don't give up. Keep the memories, pray, talk to friends, your other half, there is always someone who cares.

Kablamo!

My father passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack in August 2009. I was 20 at the time. I'm an only child and my mother is rather useless- I had been camping abroad for two weeks and had arrived home that evening. I was asleep in bed a few hours later when she wandered into my room as casually as you'd like to tell me that he was downstairs, not breathing. It would never occur to her to call an ambulance herself, so I bolted downstairs with the phone in my hand dialling 999. As soon as I saw him on the couch though, I knew he was gone, it was a total "Oh, bollocks" moment, a la Father Ted.
I had to make all the arrangements because my mother point blank refused to get involved, so I didn't even really have time to begin processing what had happened for a good while.
I held my 21st birthday a day to the month after he passed- that was a struggle- it still hadn't hit me yet but everyone was treating me as if I was made of glass, and asking my friends and family as opposed to me how I was coping. I found that really frustrating, I actually told someone in a fit of temper that it was my father who had died, not me. After my birthday all the home visits and calls from concerned friends and family began to taper off, so I dropped out of college to keep my mother company. I was acutely aware of how quiet and lonely the house was without my father gone.
He was a wonderful character, so living with him was like living with a labrador puppy who could reach the things on the high shelves, and who also had access to a credit card- it was never boring so it was a huge adjustment to make in terms of our living situation.

It took about eighteen months I think for it to all hit me and catch up with me, I was in Penneys in Rathfarnham one day and there was a man walking through the aisles wearing the same green sleeveless quilted coat my father was known for wearing, and without thinking I just assumed it was him, so I went over and told him to get a move on and I'd wait in the car. The man turned, and lo and behold, wasn't my father, and when I saw his face a siren just went off in my head- I didn't have a father anymore, my father was dead- but all of a sudden the realisation that never again would I meet him on this mortal coil hit me and I crumpled.
Burst into tears and frightened the life out of this poor fellow, just out buying a few multipack of socks or what have you, and between gasps for air I managed to half explain what had happened.
Himself and the wife brought me out to my car, and got me a coffee, and stayed with me until I calmed down. It was very nice of them because it couldn't have been a very pleasant experience for them either.
Few more little things like that over the years, seeing my friends having the first dance with their fathers at weddings, or having children etc are bittersweet moments for me- my father adored children and would have been the most fantastic grandparent- and if I'm entirely honest it took me a few years to tamp down a sense of jealousy and begrudgery when these things happened. I can now appreciate them for what they are though which is brilliant- there's no point in bitterness, and I'd have rather had my father for what feels like as brief a time as I had than anyone else's for longer.

It's been eight years now. I don't miss his presence anymore. The house has changed, I donated most of his stuff to charity, I drive his car (funny how it's still 'his' car, but the mind works in mysterious ways, he only had it for two months, but even the neighbours still refer to it as his car), we have built a new life around the gap that his passing left.
What hurts me still and I can't imagine will ever pass, is the things he won't get to experience- watching films on a mobile phone! New motorways down the country! A spice bag! Because I know what joy things would have brought him and it breaks my heart that he'll never experience it again. The feeling of the sun on his face on a summers day, that's all over for him now. I wish I had been kinder to him, and given him more of my time. He deserved it.

So to sum up this long and rambling post, I'm over the fact that my father died. I've accepted it and my life has progressed and moved on. I can't change it or bring him back.
It still hurts terribly though.
Sitting at my kitchen table sobbing now I am like an eejit!

fryup

my dad died last year from cancer of the oesophagus (old age really) very common cancer amongst elderly men....it was a release for him when he died

he reached a good age, i think i would have been more upset if he died younger & suddenly e.g. heart attack

uck51js9zml2yt

I was with my mother in the days before she died. We had the best time ever. She looked forward to it and was glad it was coming, she knew where she was going as did I.
Death wasn't the end, only the beginning, a transition into Life.

I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell her what's happened but I know where she is and that I'll see her again one day.
The sadness was filled with hope and an assurance of Life after death. It removed the sting!

Heckler

i think the overwhelming arc of this thread is to appreciate your parents while they are still here.

I have one gone and my mother is in her mid 80's. Shes in fantastic health, both body and mind, and due home soon from a long trip away overseas.

This thread has made me determined to appreciate her and the time we have left.

Condolences and thanks to those who have lost for sharing your stories. This thread was a help to me and I'm sure it will be to many others.

Akrasia

My Dad died when I was 19, still think of him a lot and would love to have him around today, he would have adored his grandkids and no doubt he'd have pushed me into all kinds of madcap schemes over the years.

My mother is still alive, she's held together by cellotape and surgical thread. She's still a young woman, in her early 50s but she had a whole load of operations over the last few years to deal with a long term illness, but despite all that, she bounced back, got herself a job and is working 5 days a week with special needs kids.

Shes as tough as they come and cooks the best 'cheesy potato' (gratin) in the world.

fryup

Akrasia wrote: »

Shes as tough as they come and cooks the best 'cheesy potato' (gratin) in the world.

recipe please

Akrasia

I think her secret is unhealthy volumes of fresh double cream