Has your parent died?

Irish Guitarist

This is one of those threads where I type out a big long story and debate whether to post it or not. It may not be a good idea so I'll just post a short version.

I got the news on New Years Eve 1999 that my father hadn't long to live. I remember having to listen to drunk people walking past the house that night shouting and screaming about the Millennium while I was sitting there thinking about how life as I knew it was over. Sure enough my father died on the 4th of January 2000.

Over the next few months some other shitty things happened (including my mother and I coming home to a break in) that made me question whether I wanted to live or not. To be honest I haven't been the same since.

HandsomeBob

Irish Guitarist wrote: »

This is one of those threads where I type out a big long story and debate whether to post it or not. It may not be a good idea so I'll just post a short version.

I got the news on New Years Eve 1999 that my father hadn't long to live. I remember having to listen to drunk people walking past the house that night shouting and screaming about the Millennium while I was sitting there thinking about how life as I knew it was over. Sure enough my father died on the 4th of January 2000.

Over the next few months some other shitty things happened (including my mother and I coming home to a break in) that made me question whether I wanted to live or not. To be honest I haven't been the same since.

Ditto. The day they sent my oul lad home for palliative care was Christmas jumper day in the office. Everyone was in great form and in fairness I had only told 2 managers how serious the diagnosis was. Upped and left at lunch time and didn't step foot back in the place until everything was done with, which was the second week of January.

retro:electro

Irish Guitarist wrote: »

This is one of those threads where I type out a big long story and debate whether to post it or not. It may not be a good idea so I'll just post a short version.

I got the news on New Years Eve 1999 that my father hadn't long to live. I remember having to listen to drunk people walking past the house that night shouting and screaming about the Millennium while I was sitting there thinking about how life as I knew it was over. Sure enough my father died on the 4th of January 2000.

Over the next few months some other shitty things happened (including my mother and I coming home to a break in) that made me question whether I wanted to live or not. To be honest I haven't been the same since.

Ah Jesus I'm really sorry. Your post touched my heart.

_Dara_

In the last five years or so, I would periodically pause and think what it would be like to lose my parents. They had hit their 60s and I suppose it was a milestone in terms of considering their mortality. But they are going strong. Meanwhile, I was handed a terminal diagnosis two years ago in my 30s and I just bloody hate that I am going to do this to them. They have been so supportive of me in hard times and I wanted to give back that support. But, nope! I am doing pretty good currently but it'll probably happen within a year or two.

I read a really interesting article in the Guardian a while back about this terminally ill woman who wanted her loved ones to have a good quality recording of her voice. She herself had cherished an answering machine message from her deceased mother because it was the only recording she had of her voice and they say that you forget what someone sounded like. So she arranged to have a recording of her made as if she as appearing on 'Desert Island Discs' to give to her loved ones after she was gone. The effect it had on her family is fascinating, I'd urge anyone to read the article. I would love to do something similar myself, maybe not the exact thing she did but just have my voice recorded in decent quality for posterity. Anyone know how I can achieve this, bearing in mind that I am stony broke so it needs to not be expensive?

Article here: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/dec/19/for-record-jonathan-freedland-sisters-desert-island-discs

chooey

You don't cope but unfortunately life goes on. I lost my mam last year. She was my best friend in the world. Instead of the surprise of telling her that I was pregnant with my first child on Mother's Day, we had to pick a grave site. I still think that has been one of the worst moments in my life. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly and just before a big birthday for her where we had so many surprises planned which all had to be cancelled.
I find there's certain songs that bring back memories that will have me break down. I'd do anything to have her here to meet my baby and celebrate with us on her birthday. It's just so scary that life as you know it can change without any warning.
To the OP I know what a rotten feeling it is. How you nearly wish you could wake up and find out that it was all s dream and they weren't really gone

Galwayguy35

My father died in 1996 from cancer but we knew it was coming.

My mother died in 2007, found her dead in the room from a heart attack, that was a big shock

Life won't be the same after but at the same time you learn to live with the loss.

AdrianII

Im sorry for you loss OP.
I'm gonna be blunt about it

It's sh*t and you never get over it.


The one thing I remember clearly though is when we had the wake and the funeral, you remember who was there like a photograph and you also remember who wasn't there.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

My father died, young, 47 years ago. My mother died 21 years ago. People say time heals but it doesn't; it just makes coping somewhat easier. The loss of a loving parent stays with you forever but the grief gives way to memories. What doesn't go away is the loss and the regrets. Not regrets about things that happened when they were alive but regret that they don't get to share in your life stages with you. There are many moments throughout the year when I think 'Dad would have been proud to see that' or "Mum would have loved to see that'. I have great faith and believe they are still with us in spirit and I will, on occasion, talk to them or look for strength from them. If someone made you who you are and moulded the person you became you won't get over losing them but you will move on and try to live up to the person they lived to create.

Kalimah

clappyhappy wrote:

I was the eldest in my family (20) when my mum died at 44 years of age, youngest was 12. I was 30 when my dad died aged 64. You've probably heard it a million times but time is a healer, but not a day has gone by when I don't think of my mum, it still hurts, how she'd love to see her grandkids, meet our husbands/wife and how we'd love to be able to do nice things for them both now. But we can't, it still hurts deeply but I've come to accept it. Think of how proud they would be of you, keep doing things that you know would make them proud. Talk to them, talk about them, my kids know all I know about their grandparents, warts & all. There is no answer, but we have to be strong for ourselves & the family left behind. My deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

clappyhappy wrote:

I was the eldest in my family (20) when my mum died at 44 years of age, youngest was 12. I was 30 when my dad died aged 64. You've probably heard it a million times but time is a healer, but not a day has gone by when I don't think of my mum, it still hurts, how she'd love to see her grandkids, meet our husbands/wife and how we'd love to be able to do nice things for them both now. But we can't, it still hurts deeply but I've come to accept it. Think of how proud they would be of you, keep doing things that you know would make them proud. Talk to them, talk about them, my kids know all I know about their grandparents, warts & all. There is no answer, but we have to be strong for ourselves & the family left behind. My deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. It was a disaster.

Ghekko

I must be a total freak as I have just gotten on with it with an attitude of what's the point in being miserable as it won't bring them back. Dh and I lost our mums within weeks of each other and my dad a year and half later. Kids, having lost 3 grandparents in a relatively short space of time, also seem to be grand. And yet we were close to them (mother's moreso). I can't explain it but I don't dwell on them as then I fear I might get very upset. Who knows, I could have a complete meltdown some day but for now I'm coping ok. Life goes on and people stop asking how you are so you somehow get used to everyday life without them.

Stopped Clock

wakka12 wrote: »

I just can't actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard it'll be when it happens.

It doesn't. We're all coping as best we can. There is only so long anyone can curl up in a little ball or cry for. Then you dry your tears and try to keep going. The human mind has an amazing ability to numb and to cope with the awfulness thrown at you. I'm not the same person since mum died. It has changed my outlook on life utterly.

JupiterKid

This thread is quite upsetting as quite a few posters lost their parents at a very young age and sometimes in quick succession. My dad was fantastic to my sisters and I when we lost mum young but he was falling apart inside until he finally got grief counselling.

Time is a healer - to an extent. But you never really get over losing a loved one like a parent and a sibling. Yes, the memories are there and the happy photos etc. But some people never really recover. I think having a partner and children of your own really helps in supporting you in your grief. But many of us are left completely alone.

I know for a fact that I have not really recovered after my Dad's death 3 years ago. Perhaps I will some day but at the moment I am still struggling.

JupiterKid

JupiterKid wrote: »

This thread is quite upsetting as quite a few posters lost their parents at a very young age and sometimes in quick succession. My dad was fantastic to my sisters and I when we lost mum young but he was falling apart inside until he finally got grief counselling.

Time is a healer - to an extent. But you never really get over losing a loved one like a parent and a sibling. Yes, the memories are there and the happy photos etc. But some people never really recover. I think having a partner and children of your own really helps in supporting you in your grief. But many of us are left completely alone.

I know for a fact that I have not really recovered after my Dad's death 3 years ago. Perhaps I will some day but at the moment I am still struggling.

Three years is still recent enough JK. Give yourself time, it'll get easier.

As my own parents have said after losing an adult child, you never get over it, but it does become easier to live with. Sometimes a good day just means you got up and put one foot in front of the other, and the day will come when you don't have to remind yourself to do it.

You're never as alone as you think, either. It's got to be the human experience that binds nearly all of us together, there's just no escaping bereavement for most of us, we'll all experience it and virtually all of us will get on with life sooner or later.

Fizzlesque

My mother died when I was three years old. She was buried on my third birthday, such was the timing of her passing. My father told me and my four older brothers that our mother was gone to heaven and that was a great place to be. I missed the story because I fell asleep so three nights later I asked my father where my mother was. He realised then I'd missed the whole story. My father didn’t tell me this until many years later, when I was an adult, and it made so many things that hadn’t made sense start to make sense. Feelings of loss and being left behind. To me she just disappeared. As a teenager, I used imagine she'd run away with another man and was coming back to get me; any day now.

I drank a cup of mushroom tea one night – many years ago now – and a few times during the trip I found myself at a place with trees and a river and my mother standing on the opposite side beckoning me over to join her. I was ecstatic and was immediately made a move to dive into the river to swim over to be with her, when she said to me “wait, you have to go back and get rid of the body (meaning my dead body) first, you can’t leave it for others to sort out” so I’d agree (this happened more than once) and head back along the tunnel in my mind and back to the room I really was in to get rid of my own dead body. Of course, the return journey to normal thinking rendered that idea totally unworkable :-)

My mother’s 45 years gone now, so she’s very far removed from me at this stage. I don’t remember her at all but I remember the feeling of loss and being left behind. My dad is still alive but he’s getting on in years. His passing is going to rip me to shreds. Not looking forward to the fallout of that inevitability. I have no answer to the original question about how to cope. I think we probably just make it up as we go along.

Hellywelly

My dad died when I was 10. He was 40. My mum didn't believe in kids going to the burial part of the funeral so for years I used to think I saw him , that he was still alive 😑. His death has shaped me more than any other event in my life and the older I get, the more I realise that.
Time does help though. I have a vivid memory of the day, many years after he died, that I realized I hadn't thought about him for days and it shocked and terrified me in equal measure. Now I realize that humans couldnt bear to sustain that intense first grief indefinitely. And thus it wanes. And that's a good thing.
My condolences to all the posters here who've experienced the loss of parents or loved ones.

Fayre

Lost my father at the beginning of last year to a terminal illness. It has actually made me feel less alone reading this thread and seeing so many people say they're not the same person as they were before and never will be - makes me feel like less of a freak coz I feel the same. Life is irrevocably altered and not for the better. But I liked the line that someone said just because it's different doesn't mean that it's not going to be good.

To the people that haven't lost a parent - get out of here! Don't even read threads like this. You'll be mourning them long enough. Go out enjoy life, enjoy them, enjoy the way things are right now today. Tomorrow will sort itself out when it comes.

When my father died I was pregnant with my second child. He was mad about my first child and when it started to dawn on both of us that he wasn't going to live to see the second one being born it was hard. On the day before he died he confided in my mother how sad he was that he wasn't going to be around to meet my baby. When I had the baby a few months later, I didn't feel the elation and joy that you ''should'' feel after having a healthy baby. During visiting hours I kept my sh!t together but when there was no-one there and I knew no nurses would be coming in, I cried. My parents were the first visitors to come in to see my first baby and it killed me knowing he wouldn't be walking in that door. Everybody expects you to be over the moon when you have a baby and if you're seen crying then they'll be nurses making notes ''possible PND'' and prescribing tablets - I didn't want that coz I knew there was no cure for what I was feeling. And so I hid the grief and cried when it was just me and baby on our own. I felt the weight of the words he had said to my mother and I felt like I was crying his tears at not meeting her as well as my own. 
Faith must be a great comfort, I wish mine had lasted long enough to tide me over this but sadly it didn't. When you don't have faith you have to dig deep to find other ways to console yourself. It helps if you can find someone else that has experienced the loss of a parent and has gotten over it without faith as a crutch. 
Sorry for your loss OP

witchgirl26

Fayre wrote: »

Lost my father at the beginning of last year to a terminal illness. It has actually made me feel less alone reading this thread and seeing so many people say they're not the same person as they were before and never will be - makes me feel like less of a freak coz I feel the same. Life is irrevocably altered and not for the better. But I liked the line that someone said just because it's different doesn't mean that it's not going to be good.

You are definitely not a freak! I'm only starting to be a little more like the old me now almost 10 years later but I'll never be the same, completely contented and happy person I used to be.

I'm so sorry for your loss and must have been so difficult dealing with the grief while also wanting to be happy for the arrival of your second child. Conflicting emotions like that are just too much. I didn't have kids but I think for me some of the hardest things were knowing that my dad would never meet any kids I had or walk me down the aisle to get married. Course you want them there for the big moments and those big moments can really highlight the piece of your life that's missing.

Hugs to all dealing xxx

Lux23

My Dad died almost three years ago, it was a massive shock and quite traumatic for us all. It just takes time to learn to live with the grief.

HandsomeBob

Fayre wrote: »

When my father died I was pregnant with my second child. He was mad about my first child and when it started to dawn on both of us that he wasn't going to live to see the second one being born it was hard. On the day before he died he confided in my mother how sad he was that he wasn't going to be around to meet my baby. When I had the baby a few months later, I didn't feel the elation and joy that you ''should'' feel after having a healthy baby. During visiting hours I kept my sh!t together but when there was no-one there and I knew no nurses would be coming in, I cried. My parents were the first visitors to come in to see my first baby and it killed me knowing he wouldn't be walking in that door. Everybody expects you to be over the moon when you have a baby and if you're seen crying then they'll be nurses making notes ''possible PND'' and prescribing tablets - I didn't want that coz I knew there was no cure for what I was feeling. And so I hid the grief and cried when it was just me and baby on our own. I felt the weight of the words he had said to my mother and I felt like I was crying his tears at not meeting her as well as my own. 

I think a lot of people can relate to that. Not long after my own passed away my brother's daughter was born, who would have been the first girl of the family (as in the first girl of all my siblings and the following grandchildren). We all found it tough, obviously my brother and mother most of all.

Romantic Rose

After reading this thread yesterday, I wrote a poem about my mother. I found it great therapy. Sometimes you're just in the mood to write and I got so many nice memories written down into a poem. So important to keep their memory alive.

Even things I forgot about about my Mum came back to me. Funny little quirks she had. Made me chuckle then. She was so unique

mcko

wakka12 wrote: »

I just cant actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard itll be when it happens.

Never ever seeing the person who cared for you your whole life again, the one who got you through everything and loved you no matter what, leaves a knot in my stomach.

You will be devestated but life does go on , remember the good times, remember we are only here for a short time enjoy your family.

Theboinkmaster

Brilliant thread - thank you to all those who contributed.

MonkieSocks

My Dad passed away over twenty years ago.

I still miss him a lot as he was always a good humoured and happy go lucky type of person.


During the Second World War, on the very first day of " The Battle Of Britain"
He was responsible for the Downing of over Twenty German Aircraft!





He was quite possibly the worst Mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Alf Veedersane

My Mam died 8 years ago now. Cancer. By the time the symptoms came, it was already too late. One day she was fine and playing badminton, a week later she was given 3 months to live, maybe 6 with chemo. The world came from under me.

I had been lucky to have two great parents and as I grew up, I recognised how lucky I was and Mam was a great friend.

And then the diagnosis. It still upsets me because of the things that have happened since and how much I wish she'd been a part of it...and trying to tell my 2-yr-old who she is and why she's not here now. And how broken-hearted my Dad still is.

I consider myself lucky to have had what I have and we all expect to outlive our parents but that doesn't make it easier when they're gone.

bubbles o hara

My dad died two weeks before my 12th birthday, he'd suffered two strokes, but it was still a shock.
In 2009 my beloved mother passed away. The hospital is 40 miles from our home, I had sent my husband home earlier in the evening for a rest, as he was working in between hospital visits, my brother was due to fly home hours later, but that night, I was alone.
As I held her hand for the last time, mom died, I was in my 30's but right then I felt as frightened and vulnerable as a child in the dark. She'd been my best friend since the day I was born and now she was gone forever.

Time does heal, but there is an emptiness in my heart that never seems to go away.

Delphinium

Both my parents lived to 90 and had good lives. My son died, age 6, following two years of gruelling treatment for cancer. I had to break the news of his expected death to my parents and siblings and to his own little brother. Somehow this experience made the death of my parents more acceptable as their time had come. My husband died a few months ago at age 60 following a brain tumour.
I miss them all, of course, but losing my husband was a double blow as he was the only one who really remembered our son and talked about him. I cope by taking each day as it comes and being kind to myself. If I can't face the day, then unless strictly necessary, I take time out and wallow a bit in grief. My real friends are my support and are amazing in the patience and kindness they show me.
I suppose each death has given me an insight into grief and how to live with it. Being on my own now is hard but I am a strong person and know I will be able to bear whatever else life throws at me.
Bereavement counselling would do nothing for me but I do know it is of great help to others.

Rubberchikken

You don't get over losing a parent/s. But you do get use to it.
I don't waste time on what its but if I was giving any advice it would be make the most of your time with the parent/parents you have. If they're great they will be missed all the more.
I have never felt angry that others my age still have their parents. More wistful at certain times of years for a little while. That's only natural in my honest opinion.

lukesmom

My parents are 73 and 74 and the day either of them goes will be the saddest day ever because they are and mean absolutely everything to me.

harry Bailey esq

My da died suddenly at 46,i went totally off the rails. That was almost 15 years ago now so the grieving process is over. One regret I still carry is that he never got to meet my children.

Delphinium

Delphinium wrote: »

Both my parents lived to 90 and had good lives. My son died, age 6, following two years of gruelling treatment for cancer. I had to break the news of his expected death to my parents and siblings and to his own little brother. Somehow this experience made the death of my parents more acceptable as their time had come. My husband died a few months ago at age 60 following a brain tumour.
I miss them all, of course, but losing my husband was a double blow as he was the only one who really remembered our son and talked about him. I cope by taking each day as it comes and being kind to myself. If I can't face the day, then unless strictly necessary, I take time out and wallow a bit in grief. My real friends are my support and are amazing in the patience and kindness they show me.
I suppose each death has given me an insight into grief and how to live with it. Being on my own now is hard but I am a strong person and know I will be able to bear whatever else life throws at me.
Bereavement counselling would do nothing for me but I do know it is of great help to others.

I am so sorry for all your losses, that is a very unfair burden to carry. I hope you have peace.