Has your parent died?

branie2

My parents are still alive, thank God

andrew1977

Lost my dad ( my hero ) , June 2016, will never stop missing him.
You will never stop missing them , you just learn to live with it a bit better.

Small things in life trigger it some days, a small victory in sport he would have cherished happened earlier this year, it hits you like a train at that moment. I would have loved to have had him with me in the stand that day. It was him who bred the love /joy we shared in the sport into me.

Will never forget the lunatic that he was in a truly magnificent way. My dad !

banie01

rafi bomb wrote: »

How are you supposed to cope in all honesty?

At the time it's a bit of a blur but it's true what they say it really hits you months after.

Any tips on How To cope I'd you've experienced it?

O.P, There is a bereavement support forum over in Personal Issues that really has some great posters and advice.
Granted, responses are usually a bit slower than here on A.H but there is a world of advice and assistance available there.

I am heartened and delighted I must say to see the support offered already in AH, its nice to see we arent always just on a mission to extract the urine

OP, I am sorry for your loss, I.hope you find the strength and support you need. Grief is a journey, the days between it overwhelming you will grow but they wont(in my experience at least) ever stop completely. Its a process of learning to adjust to a new "normal". One without the person you love. Its finding a new way to cope, swimming in strange waters.

Deise Vu

I think it depends on age and circumstances. My dad died at 91 (no it wasn't Hugh Hefner but thanks for asking). He stayed active up to the last six months when he just visibly withered away spending time in and out of hospital or recovering in old folks homes and there were occasional bouts of mild dementia. I don;t know how I would have handled it if we had lost him when he was full of life but, in the end, I think he just gave up himself and it was almost a relief when he finally slipped away. My brothers, who live away and didn't witness the decline in his health, took it way worse than I or my sisters did.

He lived a great life and long enough to see great-grandchildren. We all have to go sometime and he was never in bad health or major financial worries so I doubt he had any regrets or missed out on a thing which was a great comfort to me.

Macy0161

My dad died aged 50, when I was just gone 18 - he knew it had got bad but didn't tell the family as he didn't want to disrupt my exams. My mam died 4 years ago, aged 63. Both of them of cancer, both after years of treatment and some periods of remission, and both of which could've/ should've been picked up earlier - those "what if's" still play on my mind tbh*.

As to how to cope - you just have to get on with it. Time does make it easier, and their often in my thoughts and I try to tell my own children about them (they did meet their granny at least).

*any female readers, don't accept continual "it's just a kidney infection" if it can't be shifted is all I'll say.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

My father died five years ago. I still think about him every day. But even when someone's physically gone from your life, they have influenced it so much that they still remain very much a part of it and a part of your family life. For me losing a parent made me realise what really matters in life - I know that sounds clichéd but I really do value time with family, creating memories, connecting back to things that made me happy as a child and things like that much more since I lost my father.

I'm also religious and genuinely believe in an afterlife, so that has been a huge help and consolation to me.

kieran.

My older brother(best friend) died in car accident when 13 years ago I was just about to turn 21, my Dad died after a lengthy lung condition in Dec 2015. Such is life and there is nothing you can do about it, there is no point dwelling on it, get back up on the horse and keep on riding. Do you miss them you sure do make sure the good memories out last that feeling of loss.

rafi bomb

rafi bomb wrote: »

.................... I'm angery in general and just don't care about anything. Honestly see people with their dads and I know it's wrong but I'm so bitter I think **** u having that

I was like that when my mother passed away.

I found/find comfort in that really, shows you loved them.

Nerdlingr

As cliche as it is but time really is a healer, its true! My dad passed away 21 years ago. The loss will always be there , you just learn to live with it better over time.
One thing i'd say is, and i only heard it again recently on the radio, that its the persons voice that you tend to forget/ becomes a bit blurred. Everything else you remember, how they look , how they acted etc... I had a tape somewhere at home with my dad's voice on it, i was recording him for some reason years ago...its the only record i have of his voice but i cant find it. We have all the photos etc but it would be nice to hear his voice again :(

brownbinman

Both mine are gone. Mother when I was 14 from cancer and Dad when 28 from motor neuron. Looked after Dad when he was sick, pretty sure I had PTSD or something similar afterwards

Always had the mentality of picking myself up, dusting myself down and going on for them

wakka12

Hammer89 wrote: »

My mam passed away a couple of years ago.

I was a pretty bad son growing up, getting into trouble and whatnot, but over the past five or six years of her life I'd like to think I made up for causing her so many problems early on. We were really, really close at the time of her passing, which was from a brain haemorrhage.

The Thursday before she died, I told her there'd be a present waiting for when she got home from work. I always loved giving her random presents, for no reason, because she'd do it for me when I was little. I remember waking up one morning and finding two Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in a package beside my bed.

She always said she'd get into Game of Thrones, after hearing me rave about it, but she wasn't internet savvy and they were three or four series deep at the time, so there was no real way of starting it from the beginning.

I was due to emigrate the following month, so it would've only been her and the dog in the house most nights. This was also around the time that Virgin Media rolled out UTV Ireland, which made her furious because she'd already seen most of the series that they were showing - Happy Valley, Broadchurch and stuff like that - so it was the perfect time to get her into a new show.

I went out on the Thursday and bought a DVD player, the first series of Game of Thrones and couldn't wait until she got home. I showed her the DVD first and she liked it, but was too polite to mention the fact that we had no DVD player, so I whipped that out and she was over the moon. I remember seeing that trick in About a Boy and just thought it was really sweet. She didn't get to watch it, as she was gone by the Sunday, but seeing what happened to (

Ned Stark

) would've put her in the grave anyway I imagine.

As I said, I was a proper little bastard in my teens, so naturally there was regrets - Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? - but a bunch of little, but significant moments like what happened on the Thursday softened the blow in a big, big way. She knew I adored her and vice versa, so that was enough warmth for me throughout the grieving process.

As someone else said, remember the good times. Nothing else matters.

Thats a very sweet story, I think youre lucky in that way, being so close at the time of her passing. I actually cant imagine what it must be like if a loved one passes suddenyl whom you happened to be on bad terms with at the time, must be absolutely life ruining honestly. Id never get over it

Boom_Bap

I still think of my dad every day. My mind also plays tricks on me and I try hard to remember what I was thinking about the previous day, or if I even thought about him at all. Like how is it possible that I went a day without thinking about him.

But I also try to honour him every day by living by his example and passing that on to my kids and missus.

wakka12

Gosh this threads too much for me. Every post has me close to tears

The_Kew_Tour

I'm not best for advice or to Educate anyone but if I have one some advice for people

Tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you
Don't hold a stupid grudge
And don't get money or land get in way of caring and loving someone, we all end up in same place at end of day.

inforfun

Dad died while on holidays. Was sudden and i was too occupied to make sure i got my mom back home from there to feel too sad.
Mom died of Alzheimer's and in all honesty, i was relieved when she passed.
To see your parent slowly but certainly turn into basically a baby, a person who doesnt recognise you anymore, is something i even dont want to see my worst enemies go through.

This might offend a few people maybe so i ll "spoiler" it

It is the downside of modern medicine i think, it keeps people alive long after they stopped being human. She could have really done without those last 3 years of her live and so did I.

witchgirl26

rafi bomb wrote: »

How are you supposed to cope in all honesty?

At the time it's a bit of a blur but it's true what they say it really hits you months after.

Any tips on How To cope I'd you've experienced it?

There's no real way to cope to be honest. My dad died 9.5 years ago when I was 22. I don't think it properly hit me until about 4 years after. I found having things to focus on got me through the worst of the first few months. I had exams and they just gave me something that was not his death that I had to deal with.

It's odd but you do just cope. You keep going - first it's one hour at a time, then each day, then each week and so on. Don't put pressure on yourself to heal within a certain length of time. Grief is always there - your world expands but the ball of grief remains the same and can hit at random points. Accepting that and acknowledging it does help.

Like someone else said - remembering the good times and memories. Laughing about the silly things that happened.

wakka12 wrote: »

I just cant actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard itll be when it happens.

Never ever seeing the person who cared for you your whole life again, the one who got you through everything and loved you no matter what, leaves a knot in my stomach.

Life doesn't go on as normal though. It can seem that way but it's never the same. I am not the same person I was before my dad's death. I'm more emotional, sadder, and more likely to tell people I love how I feel. For a lot of people it looks like I'm just going about life as normal and it some ways I am. You can't curl up in a ball forever. If nothing else I doubt it's what any parent wants for their child.

My dad spent some of his last weeks researching cars I should learn to drive in and asking about my exams that were coming up. Talking to me about my future because he wanted me to have one and to enjoy my life. To not try to do that would be disrespecting his memory in my opinion. That said, I'm sat writing this with tears in my eyes because I miss him but I'm not going to let it stop me going out for a few drinks with friends later. For him I go on and try to live a full life because I honestly don't think he'd want me to spend my life just mourning the loss of his.

Crea

I remember hearing a good analogy about grief. It's like a wave - sometimes is ferocious and strong and will knock you off your and sometimes it'll be the the warm swell off a happy memory. Go with the waves, allow yourself to feel the grief.

Some of your stories are heartbreaking, folks. I hope it all gets easier for all of you. I've still got both parents but lost a sibling several years ago, I'm still struggling with that even though it does get easier to think about as time goes on. I dread the day my parents go, I can't imagine how I'll cope but I suppose I will, like everyone else does to a lesser or greater degree.

My more immediate concern is my grandparents. I've very close to my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandfather, and they're mid-eighties and early nineties respectively. Every day, I feel it moving closer and it does weigh on me. Whatever the cost is in heartbreak, I'm sure it'll have been worth it to have loved them and have had them love me.

Ash.J.Williams

My dad died recently at 80. He achieved everything he wanted in life so I'm happy with that.

Rubberlegs

My Dad died in 2010 4 months after his diagnosis. It was the most horrific time watching him go from being an energetic man, never sick a day to a little old man in a wheelchair. I don't think you can ever recover from watching someone take their last breath, but time does heal the pain. I think about him every day, it is easy now as I just remember the funny stuff and good times. I remind myself of him a lot too . It is sad that he never met 2 of his 4 grandchildren but they will hear all about him as they grow up. It is a little harder this year as my mother is now ill, incurable but treatable, and so much has changed for us all again with her diagnosis. In a sense it was a blessing he went before her, he took it hard when she was first ill years ago, I don't think he could have coped with her being ill again. Sorry for your loss, OP

fixXxer

I'm reminded of a time when I was in the graveyard with mum tidying up her parents grave as a kid. She went into a very quiet mood which was unusual as I asked what was wrong. She looked sadly at the grave and told me I would understand one day. You can't really until you are there standing where she was. There isn't anything you can do to prepare but do reach out to people around you if you need it. I think the only thing that kept my dad going in those months after was that he knew he could drop in to us any hour of the day or night.

This thread has me in tears! I don’t know how I’ll cope when my parents will die. They are both quite young (57 and 54) and in good health so hopefully it won’t be for a long time. Both grandparents on my Father’s side are still alive. They are in their late 70s/early 80s.

At the moment I’m more worried about how my Mother will cope when my grandmother dies. She turned 94 last week. She was in good health, living alone and even still driving up until this year. About 6 months ago she had heart issues and had to get a pacemaker put in. Since then she’s had to move in with my Mother and brother and can’t walk very far or cook a proper meal anymore. Her memory is going a bit too. It’s very sad to see as she has always been very independent and lived alone since she was widowed in her 50’s. The fact that she can’t drive is making her very upset. And her and my Mother are extremely close. But she is 94 I guess.

My parter still has his great grandmother but his mother died when he was barely a toddler. Sad how these things work out.

boardsuser1

Grew up without my mother or father.

Before being put into care I lived with my grandmother.

My father is heavily restricted in his contact with me due to his wife, my mother has gone on record saying she wants nothing to do with me.

Life can be really tough at times.

When my grandmother died I lost the only person who was the closest thing to a mother to me.

Bambi985

This is the worst thread to open on public transport, waterworks on the tube with a line of angry-looking commuters across from me probably wondering what's up with the emotionally unstable yoke across from them

My parents were always that bit older than my friends' parents growing up, had their kids in their mid-late 30s (which was ancient back then!) and I think the fear of their loss has been with me from a relatively young age. They're late 60s now and the thought of anything happening to either of them still turns me into a quivering wreck. They're exceptionally good and kind people who taught me everything I know and everything I do or achieve is to make them proud.

Without meaning to sound trite, it's inspiring to read about the various ways that people have learned to cope with their incredible grief and channeled it into important life lessons in the aftermath. I think I'll call my long-suffering mother this evening.

Cork Truck Driver

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Grew up without my mother or father.

Before being put into care I lived with my grandmother.

My father is heavily restricted in his contact with me due to his wife, my mother has gone on record saying she wants nothing to do with me.

Life can be really tough at times.

When my grandmother died I lost the only person who was the closest thing to a mother to me.

That's a very rough hand to have been dealt in life, and I'm sorry for all you should have had, but didn't.

SATSUMA

Its not something you can ever really imagine you have to actually experience it to know it. I think your own sense of survival sets in knowing life will never be the same but knowing that you have to get through it. And somehow you do.

_Kaiser_

Both parents dead at this stage

My dad died in the mid-90s, but he wasn't around for most of my life (mam kicked him out when I was 7) so I didn't really feel anything at all there. Felt sad for my Granddad though

Mam died 2 years ago after a long painful lung disease that pretty much left her bed-bound strapped to oxygen/nebuliser machines, and in and out of hospital in the last few years. Truth be told it was more relief for her when she died as that's no way to live.
We weren't especially close - she was never what I'd call maternal, but more practical. That plus the effects oxygen deprivation will have on your mental state meant that she was barely recognizable in later years.

Just me and my sister left now.. Mam's parents and sister are "odd" to put it mildly (mam being ever practical as I mentioned had arranged that they'd sort the funeral but the tossers didn't even tell us the arrangements - friend of my sister's spotted it on rip.ie)

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I don't know if you ever get over it, but I think your body will surprise you in terms of how it will protect you in times of extreme stress. I found with the death/burial/weeks after a death was a complete blur to me. I remember bits of it but there's huge important chunks of that time I can't recall clearly and I think it's actually your own bodies way of only giving you the trauma you can cope with and blocking out what you can't. I don't know if that'll make sense written down but I can't think of any other way to describe it.

I think once someone who played a huge role in your life is no longer there, that's not your life anymore. That chapter closes and another one opens. It's a new life, a new you and I think what's important to remember even though it's really awful at the start, just because it's different doesn't mean it won't be good.

I think it depends how close you were to the parent and the support system you have too. When my mother died, I had my aunt and my dad to help and take care of me. I loved her of course but she wasn't my whole life. You learn to adapt and we adapted from a family of 4 to a family of 3 and we had really good times.
My dad though was my best friend, he's 4 years dead and to this day I can't talk about him or even think about him without my chest feeling tight and crying. When he died I had nobody but myself and I did what I had to do to keep myself from going mad. Like I said, new life, new you. It's hard but you'll find ways to be okay and there's always good things just waiting to happen. Even the worst feeling in the world will pass and you'll be okay again.

Gunslinger92

I don't know how I'll cope when my parents pass. To this day, and I'm sorry if this sounds bad or insensitive, the worse loss I've suffered in life has been my cat Tom years ago. I was too young to remember my grandparents so their deaths didn't really affect me.

My parents and all my siblings still live down home, whilst I'm in Dublin and I reckon I'll be staying put, what with work and OH being a dub. I don't make it down home very often, but you know what, I'm gonna try harder now after reading this thread. I'm also gonna ring mom and dad this evening. I half wish I didn't open this thread :pac:

Meeeee79

I cant believe the insensitive comments by some posters posting jokes!

OP so sorry for your loss and I hope any of the "jokes" being posted didn't upset you