Engagement ring 'etiquette'

retro:electro

If you can afford an expensive ring then more power to you and off you go. But this thing of having to have an expensive ring when you're both clearly broke to the ropes, just cos you can show it off on social media or whatever, well that's a bit daft. Each to their own but if you're getting yourself in debt over it, it doesn't set a great precedent.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

If he was willing to spend 2k on me I'd rather he bought me shoes to be honest than a ring I wouldn't wear

Korat

anna080 wrote: »

My engagement ring was about €300 and it's not even a typical engagement ring. It's vintage (probably second hand) and has a ruby stone in the middle with diamonds surrounding it and the ring is real gold. I honest to God think there's nothing more daft than spending thousands on a ring. We won't be spending thousands on a wedding either because we are going away just the two of us and will come back married. I don't even know when yet. Maybe next year sometime.

Hmm.. If I were your OH I'd be worried reading that.

Can I send him a note to up his game for the real deal?

retro:electro

Korat wrote: »

Hmm.. If I were your OH I'd be worried reading that.

Can I send him a note to up his game for the real deal?

I picked it! The ring I have is beautiful, and means more to me than any other typical carbon copy for the sake of it engagement ring ever could!

tigger123

Bambi985 wrote: »

Yeah I was thinking the same thing. These threads tend to attract a certain kind of poster with a particular mindset and the "what a materialistic b1tch...I got my ring in the pound shop, love is all that matters" types of responses will prevent any woman who DOES care about the price from responding at all.

Anecdotally I see an awful lot of sparkly diamonds about the place that I'd hazard a guess cost a lot more than what you'll get down the store in Argos, wouldn't ever ask the question though as it's none of my business. If you can afford it and if you know she'd love it, then why the hell not treat the woman you love when she'll hopefully be wearing it to the end of her days anyway. Some people view it as an investment piece, an indicator of status or just simply want to be wowed every time they look down at their own hands...and nothing wrong with that in my opinion. It's (again, hopefully) the only engagement ring you'll ever be buying and she'll ever be wearing.

Would be inclined to agree. It's a once in a lifetime thing, hopefully.

Plus, as someone else said, the roaring trade done in engagement rings seems to indicate that it's more the norm to spend a bit on them, than not.

SimpleDimples

I wouldn't marry a man who would be happy to spend a fortune on an engagement ring.

I'd much prefer to spend the money on a holiday or a house.

I used to work in insurance so therecare plenty of 20k-30k engagement rings about but certainly no happier than those will cheaper ones.

Samaris

Given the engagement ring is only traditionally worn (afaik) until it is replaced with a wedding ring, I don't really see the point. I wore an old ring that had been my granny's ring on that finger for a bit as really, we couldn't be affording that sort of nonsense and I'm not a jewelry person anyway (also, it would be very impractical in my line of work).

Nah, flee man, flee while you still can. She sounds like trouble and high-maintenance trouble at that.

neonsofa

Samaris wrote: »

Given the engagement ring is only traditionally worn (afaik) until it is replaced with a wedding ring, I don't really see the point. I wore an old ring that had been my granny's ring on that finger for a bit as really, we couldn't be affording that sort of nonsense and I'm not a jewelry person anyway (also, it would be very impractical in my line of work).

Nah, flee man, flee while you still can. She sounds like trouble and high-maintenance trouble at that.

Don't most people wear it alongside their wedding band?

A woman I work with has a beautiful engagement ring that sits into a custom wedding band that was made to go with the engagement ring, it's really gorgeous, i cant really explain it, and I'm not even a jewellery person myself.

Samaris

Oh yes, I have seen those and they can be very pretty. True, people do wear both, but I think I more often see married people just wearing the wedding ring. I don't know if it's a traditional thing or something people do in some places or what though.

neonsofa

Samaris wrote: »

Oh yes, I have seen those and they can be very pretty. True, people do wear both, but I think I more often see married people just wearing the wedding ring. I don't know if it's a traditional thing or something people do in some places or what though.

I wouldn't know. My mam no longer wears her engagement ring, and rarely the wedding band either because her fingers are fatter now says she's afraid she won't be able to take it off- not sure what that says for her intentions re her marriage lol.

2Mad2BeMad

I'd rather buy an engagement ring. I'm looking at spending 5k on it for herself. She never asks me for anything she's always been happy with just me so I want to spoil her for a day and ask her. She won't know the value of it but to me it's not much at all she deserves it so I'm happy to go the extra mile.

But my dilemma is her ma and da want me to use their nannys ring that's been passed down through the generation. And my ma and da want me to use my nannys ring that has also been passed down.

How do I get outta this one? Haha

bee06

Samaris wrote: »

Oh yes, I have seen those and they can be very pretty. True, people do wear both, but I think I more often see married people just wearing the wedding ring. I don't know if it's a traditional thing or something people do in some places or what though.

I've never seen anyone stop wearing their engagement ring after they got married.

Spider Web

DeanAustin wrote: »

Most women I know care about the cost so the people posting on here are either lying or not representative of the real world. I spent about 2k. My wife didn't want me spending much more but she didn't want me spending much less either.

I'm surprised the sexual equality brigade haven't been all over this to be honest. I keep hearing how men and women are the same yet this whole "man gives a woman expensive jewellery to get engaged" seems a very sexist ritual/practice.

I'm fairly sure feminists don't like it (cue: "Shur who'd be marrying them anyway?!" :pac:)

I don't think Boards is reflective in general of real life. Women here on Boards, as well as being in the minority, tend not to be the vapid types. For all its flaws, Boards members are generally more intelligent than your average bear.

But yeah I agree more women seem mad into the engagement ring thing. I don't get it though, and a number of my friends don't either. If you wanna get a ring, fine, but this lark of one for thousands seems just crazy to me. And the woman should give him an engagement gift too.

I'm not sure I'd ever wear a diamond, I'd have ethical concerns since the Kimberly thing is considered to be unreliable. I don't think jewelry is particularly important or worth stretching yourself financially for.

I was given a moissanite promise ring recently, it's beautiful. I can't see myself swapping it out for an engagement ring since even wearing one ring is a lot for me, and buying me something I won't wear would be a waste of money. Any wedding I have will no more than close family and no drama. My brother wanted and had a big wedding, he considers it money well spent on memories that'll last forever, and they could afford it. People are all different.

If people want and can afford a ring and big wedding without jeopardizing their financial security, and it makes them happy, then that's what they should do.

If you can't and don't want to, then don't.

I can't imagine being petty enough to set little traps to see how someone regards things like engagement rings though, that betrays the kind of suspicious small mindedness that really puts me off a person.

Bambi985

Spider Web wrote: »

I don't think Boards is reflective in general of real life. Women here on Boards, as well as being in the minority, tend not to be the vapid types. For all its flaws, Boards members are generally more intelligent than your average bear.

Why is it vapid though? Or non-intelligent? We've a fella a post above yours who's about to happily spend 5k on a ring for his girlfriend, because he wants to and knows she'll love it and can afford to simple as that.

To some people it's important, to some people it's not, equally some can afford to but wouldn't see the point, and some would love to but couldn't ever afford to.I don't think any judgement call is necessary.

CruelCoin

RoboRat wrote: »

It's funny, in Antwerp one of the jewelers asked why my fiancee was choosing something that I was paying for; a ring is a gift and a token of my love (he put great emphasis on the word token). He couldn't understand why this happens as the value shouldn't matter... ironic seeing as he was the jeweler and it was in his interest to get a higher sale, but poignant none the less.

Dutch.

Pragmatism is hard baked into them.

I got a similar story when my ex and i got our ring made in Amsterdam (was living there at the time)

Spider Web

Bambi985 wrote: »

Why is it vapid though? Or non-intelligent? We've a fella a post above yours who's about to happily spend 5k on a ring for his girlfriend, because he wants to and knows she'll love it and can afford to simple as that.

To some people it's important, to some people it's not, equally some can afford to but wouldn't see the point, and some would love to but couldn't ever afford to.I don't think any judgement call is necessary.

Wanting (like the woman who's the subject of the opening post) thousands spent on a ring is vapid and lacking intelligence imo. Yeah sure if the guy can afford it, off with him (I still think it's crazy though) but actually *wanting* that amount spent on you is a very bad sign to me.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Money can't buy class though. A 5k ring (to my uneducated eye) doesn't always look better than a 1k ring

neonsofa

Pineapple50 wrote: »

Does she ever go the extra mile to spoil you to a similar extent?

Is she obliged to in order to warrant it from him?

People show their love and appreciation in different ways and it shouldn't be about keeping score.

And I've never been "spoiled" in that way by a partner, before you think that's the reason for my stance.

irishman86

TheTorment wrote: »

I proposed using a Claddagh friendship ring as a "token" ring. We then chose the ring together, well she had more input.

If id have chosen it myself I'd have been way off!! She preferred a sapphire to a diamond so Id be wrong from the beginning!!

My advice is to pick ring together that way at least you'll know she'll say yes when you do propose!!!

We used a Claddagh ring for ours
My wife wanted one for years
Like has been said, any woman that wanted a fortune or 3 months spent on the ring would quickly be kicked to the curb

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

neonsofa wrote: »

Is she obliged to in order to warrant it from him?

People show their love and appreciation in different ways and it shouldn't be about keeping score.

And I've never been "spoiled" in that way by a partner, before you think that's the reason for my stance.

Well yeah.
If there's one giver and one reciever then there's a problem. Doesn't have to be of equal value but if one party is expecting expensive gifts and has high standards of how they should be treated but is not appreciating their partner then I'd say it's an issue

Bambi985

Spider Web wrote: »

Wanting (like the woman who's the subject of the opening post) thousands spent on a ring is vapid and lacking intelligence imo. Yeah sure if the guy can afford it, off with him (I still think it's crazy though) but actually *wanting* that amount spent on you is a very bad sign to me.

Oh yeah yer wan is a muppet quite obviously, but not representative of most women by any stretch of the imagination.

Most couples I know go ring shopping together after he proposed with a token ring, many of them to NY or Zurich or London so obviously your standard Argos catalogue would've been off their radar in most cases. And many people don't as this thread would convey and that's grand too. It's a personal decision between the couple as far as I'm concerned, as long as they're both happy then that's all that matters.

I'd see as many mad expensive men's watches when I'm out and about as I would flashy wedding rings - TAG Heuers and Brietlings that can cost upwards of 10k. Investment pieces to most men that buy them I'd assume, which I'd see as the same thing and not vapid or unintelligent at all. A matter of personal choice. I assume the intention is to have them for many decades, they have the money and are happy to pay it so why not.

neonsofa

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Well yeah.
If there's one giver and one reciever then there's a problem. Doesn't have to be of equal value but if one party is expecting expensive gifts and has high standards of how they should be treated but is not appreciating their partner then I'd say it's an issue

He said she doesn't ask for anything. So where are you getting that she expects gifts? He has chosen to do something for her and people are making it into a score keeping exercise. The poor girl may have showered him with love and effort and all sorts, possibly including material gifts, but because the poster said he wants to spoil her people are asking what she has done to warrant it and assuming she is expecting to be spoiled.

I've been the "giver" in my last relationship in monetary terms as the higher earner. It was not done so that I get the same in return. It was done out of love and care. My ex would cook dinner for me out of love. Fix things in my apartment. Pit the kids to bed so I didn't have to. Drive my mam to the doctor to help out. These were his ways of showing love. It's not all about money and gifts and reducing it to "well what did she do for you" when a partner wants to do something nice as a nice gesture is just as bad as people expecting gifts imo.

_Dara_

pickarooney wrote: »

I think it's a ludicrous concept that suckers continue to buy into.

I agree but you wouldn't believe the societal pressure there is to get an engagement ring. I had no interest in having one as I don't really care for jewellery and I had a few older relatives say straight out to me that it wasn't a proper engagement if there wasn't a ring. A few sly insinuations that my then-fiancé - now husband - was stingy not getting me one too. But I stood my ground. We did get wedding bands that we love but they were very reasonably priced so are genuinely just about the symbolism.

Toots

Technically I "bought" my own ring. My mum had given me some money handed down from my grandma and I didn't want to fritter it away on crap - I wanted to spend it on something I'd have forever. My OH and I had all our finances joint at that stage, but he'd been secretly putting away part of his wages to save for the ring, so we used that to pay for our honeymoon instead.

jackofalltrades

DeanAustin wrote: »

Most women I know care about the cost so the people posting on here are either lying or not representative of the real world.
I spent about 2k. My wife didn't want me spending much more but she didn't want me spending much less either.

I'm guessing women who want a man to spend several months salary won't bother posting, because of the flak that they might get over it.

An anonymous poll wouldn't be a bad idea to try and capture the size of this group.

jackofalltrades

jackofalltrades wrote: »

I'm guessing women who want a man to spend several months salary won't bother posting, because of the flak that they might get over it.

An anonymous poll wouldn't be a bad idea to try and capture the size of this group.

If my experience of AH is anything to go by, you'll wind up with a certain cohort of men going for the option of 'I'm female and expect my fiance to pay several years salary and a couple of his organs to put a ring on my finger so I can boast to teh gurls'.

r93kaey5p2izun

I don't do relationships so my opinion on this is probably not very relevant. But I would not want or wear an engagement ring. I cannot understand why people spend a fortune on them, but then the same can be said for lots of other expensive purchases so I just think let them off it makes them happy. To me it only seems sensible and fair that the woman would have input in the choice if they are expected to wear it every day.

For me, in the unlikely event I was faced with this scenario, the only logical and acceptable thing do would be to agree a joint funded budget and choose the ring together.

Delphinium

My husband insisted on an engagement ring, even though I hate wearing any ring. I choose a fairly cheap one, about a fifth of his budget and wore it sometimes. Had a plain wedding band but soon stopped wearing both. I don't need a ring to remind me I'm married.
He didn't wear his as it was dangerous for his work and always forgot to put it on at other times.
Must search for them and sell to start college fund for grandchildren.

Spider Web

But isn't it just good manners and respect?

In most situations people would just say yes, but there seems to be a blind spot around this when it comes to engagement rings. That's not directed at you, it's just a general observation.

The women here on Boards seem mostly like the types who treat their men with kindness and respect, but it is culturally accepted for women to be as diva-ish as we like when it comes to engagement rings, and with no gesture of appreciation necessary.
To be fair, there are guys who love their girlfriends so much (and the feeling is mutual) and believe their girlfriends deserve thousands spent on the ring. And that's sweet - and no doubt their girlfriends are that special, but usually those kinds of women would rather he doesn't spend that kind of money on them for a ring.