Engagement ring 'etiquette'

RoboRat

I was reading about a woman on mumsnet who was a bit miffed about her engagement ring and was getting heaps of abuse about it. Basically her fella bought her a £1300 ring but she didn't like it, I think in this instance she was was wrong as her motivation was “His salary is nearing a six figure sum and he’s usually very generous.”

I would have always been of the mentality of it's a gift and it's wrong to complain. I guess I am more mature now and when I consider that it's something she has to wear for the rest of her life (or marriage) then I guess it should be something she likes and suits her style. I know if my wife was buying me a watch (which I am very particular about), I would like some input.

As previously stated, this seems more about the value of the ring or what he spent, rather than it being a style issue, so she was 100% being a troglodyte, but there is a degree of pressure exerted on blokes in regards to what they pay for a ring.

I know when it came to my wife, I bought a token cheap ring and said we would look together. What she liked for was outside what I was willing to pay and even though on a few occasions I booked in with jewelers in Ireland and gave them my budget, they still produced rings outside what I could afford. Eventually I settled with going to Antwerp, booked in with 4 jewelers and let them know the budget and they were consummate professionals and my wife got her dream ring made for her.

What is the general consensus on engagement rings, should the woman have input or is it a gift?

Link to the article:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4790084/Woman-complains-1-300-engagement-ring.html

pickarooney

I think it's a ludicrous concept that suckers continue to buy into.

seamus

It's a gift. But considering the plan is for the woman to wear it for the rest of her life, you'd be silly not to let her choose it herself. Or at least know what she wants.

Price is irrelevant. Thankfully the "kept woman" attitude is dying out and women like her who are obsessed with their partner's income and what they buy her, are becoming rarer and rarer.

Danbo!

It's a very accurate indicator of how mental the lady may be. If she flips her lid saying "you should have spent more" then you have about a year to get out before **** gets real. If she doesn't care about the cost, then happy days.

maudgonner

Mumsnet. I think that's all I need to say.


(My own view on engagement rings is that I wouldn't want more than E100 spent on it. I'd be too afraid of losing anything more valuable)

neonsofa

pickarooney wrote: »

I think it's a ludicrous concept that suckers continue to buy into.

Yeah I think I feel the same way. I like the idea of proposals and the ring etc. for the tradition of it all, but then I myself don't actually want to wear one ring for the rest of my life, nor do I want to get married. I think I just don't want to miss out on the "romance" and hullabaloo of it all :pac:

Considering I don't even have a partner I think I needn't be worrying at all though!

Winterlong

I would never in a hundred years have picked out the engagement ring that my wife would have wanted. I just had no idea. So we bought it together. Buying the ring was a nice joint experience in it'self.

I have a friend who bought the ring in advance. In a foreign country. His fiance hated it. And that then became an issue. Eventually he took her out shopping for a new ring and that became a 6 week torture as she could not make her mind up. Alarm bells right there.

I bought my own ring on the way home from the cinema one day. Took all of 4 minutes.

Do people still do this

My god

RoboRat

maudgonner wrote: »

Mumsnet. I think that's all I need to say.


(My own view on engagement rings is that if I was to get engaged I wouldn't want more than E100 spent on a ring. I'd be too afraid of losing anything more valuable)

I know it's mumsnet but it is something that does cause friction, I know of a few blokes who ended up spending more than they were willing to as the fiancee wanted it, and it annoyed them.

It's a tough situation for men, it's a big spend in most cases and it's a hard thing to put a price on as you may upset the other half if they feel you are being cheap. On the other hand they do have to wear it and women do compare, not openly, but they do compare.

Kimbot

It shouldnt matter how much a dam ring cost as long as they are happy together.

Wibbs

jonnycivic wrote: »

It shouldnt matter how much a dam ring cost as long as they are happy together.

It shouldn't, but for some it does. Then again such women are to be avoided like the very plague. It has been my experience that women who are obsessed with the whole engagement and wedding "thing" are not good candidates for the actual marriage. They're more about them and their social standing ticking of the "right" boxes. There are certainly men like this, but they're more a minority, but equally should be approached with a ten foot bargepole.

neonsofa

RoboRat wrote: »

I know it's mumsnet but it is something that does cause friction, I know of a few blokes who ended up spending more than they were willing to as the fiancee wanted it, and it annoyed them.

It's a tough situation for men, it's a big spend in most cases and it's a hard thing to put a price on as you may upset the other half if they feel you are being cheap. On the other hand they do have to wear it and women do compare, not openly, but they do compare.

But you say women compare etc but if that's their motive for wanting an expensive ring then it's not even them wanting something and insisting on it, they are just trying to impress/show off to/keep up with others. And putting the person they love under stress/into debt to do so. For a ring that is supposed to symbolise their love and intent towards each other. It's bizarre.

I proposed using a Claddagh friendship ring as a "token" ring. We then chose the ring together, well she had more input.

If id have chosen it myself I'd have been way off!! She preferred a sapphire to a diamond so Id be wrong from the beginning!!

My advice is to pick ring together that way at least you'll know she'll say yes when you do propose!!!

Joe Exotic

I proposed without the ring, had it made by a guy in Offaly (to my wifes design) who makes rings for the shops, he was happy to open our eyes to the industry and what goes on.

We ended up spending as much as we would in Dublin but got far better quality for our money.

If your in a shop ask them why D is the top colour if they don't know run away. if they say because D is for Diamond(as one Grafton street shop told us) then run faster.

reality is that the ring is just a symbol and if that symbol isn't good enough then perhaps questions should be asked !!

silverharp

you cant win, the other day Sky News were giving out about men proposing without having a ring at the time, surely there is a place for surprising the lady in question with a proposal. You do hear some demented stories where the guy didn't follow "the plan" , If I had the impression I was supposed to be following a 20 year old plan hatched in the mind of an 8 year old I'd be looking for the nearest exit.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I don't know, any gifts of jewellery I've received from males in my life that was chosen by them was always special to me even though they weren't items I'd have picked for myself. It's not the price of it it's the intention behind it that's meaningful.

McMurphy

Had an itchy arse one evening in Swords Pavilion, and was swiftly asked to leave Fields jewellers soon afterwards.

The sign in their windows telling customers to "come in and pick their ring in comfort" is blatantly false advertising :mad:

RoboRat

neonsofa wrote: »

But you say women compare etc but if that's their motive for wanting an expensive ring then it's not even them wanting something and insisting on it, they are just trying to impress/show off to/keep up with others. And putting the person they love under stress/into debt to do so. For a ring that is supposed to symbolise their love and intent towards each other. It's bizarre.

Oh I agree, but as a colleague of mine once said, you don't want to be the girl with the crumb. When a woman gets engaged most women want to see and inspect the ring and that is possibly what leads to the self conscious attitude. Personally I couldn't care less but that is who I am and I don't want to 'keep up with the Jones's'. Many others are more socially led and care.

I do think that the woman should have a say but the value should never be a factor. If they want a bigger stone, then go with a lower grade or clarity or synthetic. It's not like people pull out a loupe! I honestly think you could have a cubic zirconia and nobody would know any different.

RoboRat

silverharp wrote: »

you cant win, the other day Sky News were giving out about men proposing without having a ring at the time, surely there is a place for surprising the lady in question with a proposal. You do hear some demented stories where the guy didn't follow "the plan" , If I had the impression I was supposed to be following a 20 year old plan hatched in the mind of an 8 year old I'd be looking for the nearest exit.

It's funny, in Antwerp one of the jewelers asked why my fiancee was choosing something that I was paying for; a ring is a gift and a token of my love (he put great emphasis on the word token). He couldn't understand why this happens as the value shouldn't matter... ironic seeing as he was the jeweler and it was in his interest to get a higher sale, but poignant none the less.

neonsofa

RoboRat wrote: »

Oh I agree, but as a colleague of mine once said, you don't want to be the girl with the crumb. When a woman gets engaged most women want to see and inspect the ring and that is possibly what leads to the self conscious attitude. Personally I couldn't care less but that is who I am and I don't want to 'keep up with the Jones's'. Many others are more socially led and care.

Ah I do get that but like, if they are that type then they're gonna judge everything- the man, the wedding venue, the honeymoon, the house- so it's a slippery slope trying to keep up, and it only ends in misery and debt. Not a great way to begin a marriage- creating all that stress to please people with no involvement in the relationship.

RoboRat

Rick Shaw wrote: »

Had an itchy arse one evening in Swords Pavilion, and was swiftly asked to leave Fields jewellers soon afterwards.

The sign in their windows telling customers to "come in and pick their ring in comfort" is blatantly false advertising :mad:

Same in another well know Irish jeweler known for engagement rings. Rang in advance to book an appointment, told them my budget which was very reasonable and told them to keep within it. Arrived and they were offering champagne, I refused as I wanted to see what they had first before feeling pressure to buy. Came out with 4 rings, 3 were within price range, the 4th was double my budget. I walked out, it was a rotten sneaky tactic and I swore I would never darken their door again.

silverharp

RoboRat wrote: »

It's funny, in Antwerp one of the jewelers asked why my fiancee was choosing something that I was paying for; a ring is a gift and a token of my love (he put great emphasis on the word token). He couldn't understand why this happens as the value shouldn't matter... ironic seeing as he was the jeweler and it was in his interest to get a higher sale, but poignant none the less.

Interesting!, we went to Bruges as they have a well known diamond district and to make a weekend out of it.

Mollyb60

Women who demand expensive engagement rings would totally put me off. It should be about the intention behind it, not the actual physical thing. Also I would be terrified walking around with thousands of pounds worth of jewellery on my finger.
My ring cost £35. It's just a ring that represents a moment. My relationship itself means more to me.

Lux23

The cost wouldn't be an issue for me, it's more what it looks like. We have been looking at engagement rings in my house for ages now and I still haven't found one I liked.

Mollyb60

RoboRat wrote: »

Oh I agree, but as a colleague of mine once said, you don't want to be the girl with the crumb. When a woman gets engaged most women want to see and inspect the ring and that is possibly what leads to the self conscious attitude.

I don't think most people could tell the difference between a hugely expensive ring and one bought in argos. I told my sister that my ring cost £2,000 and she totally bought it.

xzanti

So many people saying "it's not about the cost" "Spending any sort of money on the ring is vulgar" etc. But yet EVERY married woman I know has a fairly pricey looking engagement ring on her finger.

Same with the comments on the FB article. Interesting.

valoren

There should be a new rule.

Where a man proposes and needs to spend an obscene amount of money on a ring, purely through expectation such as the lady from Mumsnet, then the lady in question must buy him a wrist watch of equivalent value. Fairs fair, equality, blah blah.
You could dress it up as (read: Coerce) the bride's to be by marketing it as giving him a gift that he can pass on as an heirloom to any children they may have.

Somehow I don't see that 'tradition' taking hold. You wouldn't see many husbands-to-be sporting a Rolex I'd imagine.

The De Beers campaign from the 30's onwards to flog effectively worthless (albeit) pretty pieces of carbon and charge thousands for them to gullible, pressurized men is one of the greatest marketing campaigns of all time.

FWIW - I proposed in NY with a love heart sweet which said 'SAY YES' as a stand in. We went looking for a ring and thankfully my OH was appalled at some of the prices. She refused to let me spend anything obscene. We found a beautiful diamond ring in the fine jewelry section of Bloomingdale's which she absolutely adores and which didn't cost an absolute fortune. She'd have been happy with a barn brack ring but I wanted to get a diamond like the brainwashed dope I am

kg703

Anyone asking for a more expensive ring is a witch and should be avoided. As long as it's real metal and doesnt turn their finger green, you shouldnt put pressure on your partner to be saving for months/years to get you a piece of jewellery.

Myself and OH had been together 9 years when he proposed and even though marriage wasn't a big deal to either of us, I knew a proposal was on the cards at some stage. I had said "Do NOT spend a load of money on a ring - I don't wear jewellery and anything nice that I have gotten I lost"

He spent more on it anyway because he wanted to. Have it insured and have managed not to lose it. He picked it himself, he picked a beautiful ring but I understand why people would want to choose their own. I think safe bet is to let herself pick it unless she loves surprises. I have seen some ugly as* rings out there and honestly if he had of handed me a giant flashy yoke, I would of had to lie to him for the rest of my life :D

Basically I think the style is something up for discussion - not the budget!

Surely at the point when you want to marry each other, you can talk about these things like adults? If not, maybe reconsider :P

RoboRat

neonsofa wrote: »

Ah I do get that but like, if they are that type then they're gonna judge everything- the man, the wedding venue, the honeymoon, the house- so it's a slippery slope trying to keep up, and it only ends in misery and debt. Not a great way to begin a marriage- creating all that stress to please people with no involvement in the relationship.

Not necessarily, many people are swayed by social standing and as I said if they are willing to compromise they can still get what they want within budget.

My wife had an idea of what she wanted, I couldn't afford to get it off the shelf so she paid to go to Antwerp for a weekend and get it there. She picked out the stone she loved and band she loved but she compromised on clarity, which she couldn't do in Dublin as the rings were pre-made.

They literally bring out bags of stones of various cuts, colour, grade and clarity and you choose the stone, then you pick the band (which is usually free with the stone). They set the stone and next day you collect the ring. She also bought me a gorgeous watch in return which was lovely.

This has always been the way in our relationship, we compromise so both of us are happy, or at least not pissed off. She likes things, I have no real desire for things and no desire for financial pressure to pay for said things so we agree what we can afford and both of us are happy.

TheShow

for piece of mind, you're better off having her involved in the process. however you need to openly & honestly discuss the budget before you go looking.
I remember being in Tiffannys in NYC about 10 years ago (not buying a ring), this lad was with his fiancee and the were picking out a ring, champagne etc, all the bells and whistles. All very nice until his credit card got declined, she wasnt so happy then. it was very funny to watch though!

Mountainsandh

I spotted my own ring by myself after we talked about getting engaged, and we went to buy it together. It was 250 euros, and it's gorgeous. It was more about the symbol and the prettiness of it than the value.

I really can't understand the mentality of some women. I just can't, I don't understand how that showing off thing is more important than the romance.

It's about 17 years ago now and my pretty ring is too small for arthritic fingers, but I'll get great joy at wearing it again when I finally get it enlarged.