The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Ted_YNWA

A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Mary Street Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Fidelma -- she's 5'4", about 13stone, fairly bet down tbh. Really good cook, and an even better eater. Independant woman. Kind eyes.

TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

Ken.

Mod- Dolanbaker thread banned for 5 minutes to make up for the 5 I'll never get back.

whiskeyman

Conspectus wrote: »

Mod- Dolanbaker thread banned for 5 minutes to make up for the 5 I'll never get back.

No udder good jokes posted in fairness...



:pac:

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

The guy who won the recent cow milking world championships said he owed his success to udders.

Buford T. Justice XIX

No udder good jokes?

New Home

"I was told that farmers use manure to fertilise their fields, but I think that's bullshit."


That ^^^ kind of thing? :pac:

7 Seconds...

A story about my first time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just her and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now

My first time ever at milking a cow...

Capt'n Midnight

Times are hard for people with disabilities on benefits. Mate of mine is a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

K.Flyer

I went to a Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting last night, it was nice to see so many new faces.

lmao

What's a pirates LEAST favorite letter?
























































Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement....

Capt'n Midnight

Brexit to cost £2 million a week.

Jose Mourinho wants to sign him for Manchester United

Capt'n Midnight

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? - Look for the fresh prints

Buford T. Justice XIX

How do you cut an ocean in half?





With a sea saw!

Capt'n Midnight

I put my phone under my pillow last night

and when I woke up this morning it was gone.... ....feckin bluetooth fairy

Capt'n Midnight

A little paper bag goes to the doctor and says, 'I've had this cough for a few weeks and feel a bit ill'.

The doctor does a few tests, asks a few questions then says, 'I'm afraid you are HIV positive'.

The bag says, 'How can I have AIDS? I'm a just a little paper bag!'


The doctor replies, 'Yes, but your mother was a carrier'.

Nodster

"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year.

"He's a magician," said the small boy.

"How interesting! What's his favourite trick?"

"Sawing people in half."

"Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters."

Oldtree

Whats a vegan zombie's favorite food?












GRAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Capt'n Midnight

If two blind people break up will they eventually start seeing other people?

coolhull

20 years married, Katherine and William go for a medical appointment.
After the checkup, the doctor called Katherine into his office alone. He said, “William is suffering from a very heavy stress disorder. If you don’t do the exactly as I advise, unfortunately, your husband will die .”
Every morning, prepare a healthy breakfast for him. For lunch, cook nutritious tasty food for him. You must do housework without his help. Don’t discuss any problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most important, you have to submit to his sexual desires wherever or whenever he wants day or night.
If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, William asked his wife, "So, what did the doctor say?"
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Capt'n Midnight

Contraceptive advice from Ardal O'Hanlon



"Condoms are useless and ineffective. And they burst! Your stomach just can't cope with the sudden impact of two kilos of cocaine."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun falling down the stairs.

What do you call an Ethopian bent over with his ass in the air?

A Trocaire Box.

patmac

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What's an ig?

A: A Inuit house without a loo!




What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman





Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter :mad:

pleas advice

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?


fo' drizzle

Try_harder

Take a tip out of my elderly neighbour’s book and keep out the draughts by leaving all your mail in your letterbox

pleas advice

Why does Snoop Dogg carry a shovel?


Fo' snizzle mah nizzle

Capt'n Midnight

Travellers are being urged not to make unnecessary journeys over the coming few days.


The same advice is also directed at settled people.

Try_harder

Date: What do you do?
Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food

the beer revolu

What with the snowday yesterday, I thought it would be a good time to organise the tantric sex party I'd been talking about for ages.





Nobody came.