The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

I've just invented a new word: "Plagiarism"

Capt'n Midnight

Having practiced Psychiatry for fifty years, I have followed the teachings of Freud, but I'm still Jung at heart.

Capt'n Midnight

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity

Capt'n Midnight

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Capt'n Midnight

I bumped into an old mate yesterday who I haven't seen for years.

He said, "What you doing these days?"

I said, "I help hand over clothes to poor people."

He said, "That's very charitable."

I said, "Nah, I just work on the till in Pennys".

emeldc

A woman walks into a Bmw Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks Wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh1t yourself when I tell you the price.”

Capt'n Midnight

So Valentines day is around the corner, and Me being the romantic that i am, have booked a table for my good lady.


I have no idea if she’s good at snooker though.

Capt'n Midnight

I've just got home from watching a football match involving 22 patients from a Stroke Rehabilitation Centre.


It was the most one sided games I've ever seen.

Capt'n Midnight

There's an easy way of telling the difference between an apple, and an orange.


There is no such thing as an apple bastard.

TheBody

My Mammy always makes the pancakes too thin. I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

byrner88

I asked my wife the other day, "What do you want for Valentines?"

She replied, "I want a divorce."

I wasn't expecting to spend that ****ing much!

byrner88

"I can't come in to work." I told my boss over the phone.

"I've been told to take it easy."

"Have you been to see a doctor?" he asked.

"No." I said. "I've been to see 'The Eagles'."

M.T. Cranium

One day over two hundred years ago, William Herschel walked into the Royal Society and was met with an excited crowd who asked, "Is it true that last year, you discovered Uranus?"

"Yes," he said.

"Well that's very wonderful news, why did you never tell us about it?"

"I don't know, I just thought I should sit on it for a while."

M.T. Cranium

A woman from the past somehow stumbled into a time warp and emerged in the world of today.

She was found wandering around a Walmart saying, "look at all this, look at all this."

A sympathetic family took her to their home. She wandered around saying, "look at all this."

So they asked her, "where are you from? is it in the past?"

And she said, "yes, it was the year 1492, my husband Christopher just up and left saying he was going to China, and he went west. Can you believe it? I mean, what sort of an idiot does that? He probably died somewhere just before the edge of the world and those dragons."

"Well, we have some good news for you. You're in Columbus, Ohio, named after your husband, and he became a famous explorer, all sorts of things are named after him."

"Oh, so the dragons didn't get him? And this isn't China?"

"No, this is America."

"Okay, then how come at the Walmart, everything said Made in China?"

M.T. Cranium

A sheep walked into a bar.

"Everyone I know says this is the place to go," she explained.

M.T. Cranium

You should start up again, your jokes are generally funnier than mine.

(a horse walked into a groan)

blueser

Just seen my mate One Armed Dave, I said "Hey Dave, where are you going?" He said, " I'm off to change a light bulb." Given his disability, I said; "That will be a bit of a struggle wont it?" "Not really, you insensitive fcuker," he said, "I still have the receipt...."

Hagar7

What a day I've had,myself,wife n kids were in Blackpool and couldn't believe what we saw.
This guy was arguing like mad with his wife across the street then he punched her on the nose.
I said to my wife 'I'm foning the police right now,' 'A good idea,' replied my wife.
Along comes the cop,all by himself (Tory cutbacks) and he goes over and starts hitting the guy,the guy THEN takes the baton off him and wallops him over the head,then he batters his wife with the cop's baton,meanwhile a crocodile sneaks up from behind them and runs away with sausages in his jaws,unbelievable stuff,never seen anything like it in our lives.

Hagar7

ZV Yoda wrote: »

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

That joke is so old,im sure Noah told me it on his ark.....twice.

rizzodun

Hagar7 wrote: »

That joke is so old,im sure Noah told me it on his ark.....twice.

Well tarmac was developed in the 1820's.... so I guess Noah didn't tell you that at all...

Hagar7

rizzodun wrote: »

Well tarmac was developed in the 1820's.... so I guess Noah didn't tell you that at all...

I know a shudda asked Noah about that.

Hagar7

Paddy says to his wife 'My bumhole is really itching ,I've no idea what it is.'
Wife replies ' Ring sting.'
Paddy replies 'How Da hell will he know.'

christy c

News from the winter Olympics, the Irish bobsled team will not take part until the course has been gritted

Capt'n Midnight

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

An man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The man replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The man looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person, “how much is the parrot cost?” “twenty quid”, says the sales person.
“What’s so special about the parrot ?” she asks…
Sales person: “This parrot can talk”,
So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”
The parrot replies, “you look like a f*cking Slut?”
The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that it’s a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 minutes.
The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says, “if you disrespect the lady out there, I’ll soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside.
The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.
Lady: “If I come home with 1 man what would you think?”
Parrot: “He’s your husband”
Lady: “2 men”,
Parrot: “Your husband and his brother”,
Lady: “3 men”,
Parrot: “Your husband, his brother & your brother”
Lady: “4 men”,
Parrot: “Bring the fúcking bucket of water, I already told you she’s a slut!”

Capt'n Midnight

For those of you who voted for Brexit, you will be pleased to know that thanks to today's earthquake, the UK is now 2cm further away from Europe.

patmac

Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say "how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made"

What do they want?..

A ****ing medal?

Hagar7

I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has
turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient
will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a
thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the
patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't
know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the
idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree
with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the
patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very
wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient
does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the
patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I
don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

everlast75

"Like a virgin" has just been translated into the national language of the Netherlands.

Dutch for the very first time...