The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

blinding

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I can't believe its almost July and Northern Ireland is the only place in the world where there is no rioting!!!

The Black Protestants just ain't what they used to be !

RobMc59

Driving past B&Q yesterday,I asked my wife how big the queue was.

She said that it was big and orange and about the same size as the B

If you think swimming with Dolphins is expensive?

try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!

RobMc59

A pear from liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass it's driving test.

The problem is,he doesn't avocado.

The Princess Bride

RobMc59 wrote: »

A pear from liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass it's driving test.

The problem is,he doesn't avocado.

I had to read this aloud about 3 times, then I got it and am foaling laughing 🐎🐎🐎

castletownman

I don't have a problem with alcohol, I am merely a social drinker.

When someone says "I think I will have a drink", I say "social I"

patmac

Albert Einstein was a genius.
But nobody talks about his brother Frank who was an absolute monster

Capt'n Midnight

Figel Narage

How do you fit a large fully grown elephant into a small subway bag?

You take the "B" out of Sub and the "F" out of way..........


Say it out load and you'll get it

auspicious

Oh so much nudity on tv.
I just sit there shaking my fist.

auspicious

I've been involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married three years now...

auspicious

I was terrible at school.
I failed maths so many times I can't even count.

auspicious

My wife and I decided we don't want children.
If anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow.

auspicious

I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic.

auspicious

In uni I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it.

auspicious

I quit my job at a helium gas factory.
I refuse to be talked to in that tone.

M.T. Cranium

A scientist made a fabulous discovery and advertised for help in the newspaper (it's like the internet only printed out on paper) ...

Three men applied, an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman.

He interviewed them separately but told them the same thing. "Fellas, believe it or not, I have invented a time machine and you can travel back to warn the people of Pompeii that their city is about to be destroyed by the volcano. But I want to hire the right man. What would you tell them?"

The Irishman said, "I would tell them you might want to clear out of the town, the volcano is about to erupt. And I would take a history book with me to show them it was true."

The Scotsman said, "I would stop at last week and buy a lottery ticket."

The Englishman said, "I would send the Scotsman and take ten per cent."

Is that about right? By the way, I am from the year 2148 and about that asteroid next year ...

Edgware

Its great in the pandemic that people are showing a bit of initiative.
I know a local lad who is a pilot with Aer Lingus. He was made redundant but instead of sitting at home doing nothing he set up his own painting and decorating business.
I got him in to do a few bits. He did a lovely job on the landing

byrner88

The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.

bobdcow

What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

coolhull

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Capt'n Midnight

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.

There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

TheBody

I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants are. She said they are in the non-friction section.

TheBody

Neil Diamonds old Volvo is for sale on eBay.

It's a Swede car online.

Capt'n Midnight

It's outrageous Chuchills monument has been boarded up.

Vandalising it should be a statue tory right.

M.T. Cranium

Hitler could have had the internet, but he told his scientists it was a reich waste of time.

Capt'n Midnight

Sick of my wife being fat, I gave her a month to get a fitter body, less than 10 stone and no flab.

And she did it.




He was a heating engineer, and she's framed me for the murder

RobertFoster

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?
—Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?
—Take the elephants out first.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
—Take the ferry to Holyhead.

joeguevara

'High Street clothing store Monsoon enters administration.'

I thought they might have been able to weather the storm.

castletownman

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently they gave the part to one of the lead actors children.

I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.