Do you judge single people?

DoozerT6

I find any comments usually came from people who have been with someone or married for so long that they forget what it's like to be single, or from people who never have any trouble finding partners and have had many relationships. People just can't conceive that there are people (apart from those who CHOOSE to be single and are happy out) that have trouble finding partners. I'm one of them. Whatever it is that guys find attractive about women, I do not have it. Someone who never seems to be without a partner just doesn't get that. They assume that you're picky, or holding out for someone, or too independent - when really, you're just 'invisible' to men romantically. They will make these offhand comments in jest (mostly), assuming that you'll have a smart answer, or you'll laugh it off. In reality it can really hurt. It just emphasises the fact that nobody has ever wanted you - well, at least not for more that one night.

Thankfully those comments from others are rare for me now. I think people that know me sense that it's a no-go area, and respect that. But in a way that just magnifies the fact that people know it's something they shouldn't mention around me.

I don't know if I feel judged as such - I think some of my workmates feel sorry for me (in a nice way), my relatives never mention it any more, but certainly society at large, and advertising, is all about couples and families.

It would be nice to know that someone out there thinks I'm the bees knees and can't wait to see me and spend time with me - but I really don't think it's going to happen for me. There are always people in every community who never seem to have a partner or get married - I guess I'm one of them.

Oh and I have no problem with going to the cinema on my own!! People do not GAF who is in the cinema with them as long as they're not disturbing their viewing pleasure.

Purple Mountain

I spend a bit of time in Spain as I have Spanish friends there.
The mindset is totally different.
Its not the expected thing to reach age X (now usually early 30s) and have to have the wedding ring, 2 children, mortgage and managerial role.
Married and single people alike mingle and there's no suspicion of being friends with the opposite sex. There's not as much assumption or judgement on either side whatever your lifestyle choice is.
It's liberating!!

dublinman1990

I'm 27 years old and I have always been single.

My impression of being single by others namely friends or family is that at my age; I should be able to find someone who will make me happy. I'm from a catholic family and I get this message thrown out to me most of the time from my relatives and my mam's friends who are catholic. On most occasions; when I get asked about my relationship status, I get thrown off when I try to answer that question in a reasonable way. But my friends of mine wouldn't ask that type of question to me because it is none of their business. They are not all catholics though as they are all in different religions namely protestant, COI or no religion. I suppose they would give an impression that they wouldn't have cared either way.

My honest opinion about me being single is that I am quite content in remaining that way & don't feel any urge in myself to find someone to make me happy. If I find myself in attempting to project my image onto others in a positive way in a dating scenario; I can find it quite tough to give that impression in a reasonable way to someone else.

I don't give any sort of animosity to others who go to the cinema on their own. I don't mind if others go to the cinema with me or not. Although; I have been to the cinema only once in my whole life last year & felt grand for doing it.

Mrs OBumble

Yourself isit wrote: »

I think the "Single people are psychological" judgementalism tells us more about you, and to a certain extent Ireland - particularly country Ireland
- than single people. Very odd.

I'm not single btw, but Ireland is still very Catholic in its relationship status. The assumption here is that there no pool of available dates past 35 could only be true in a society where people couple by that age and don't divorce or seperate. So it's hook up by 35 or be damned to be a singleton.

I'm not from Ireland, not am I from a rural area. Some demographic factors apply here as elsewhere though. You've applied some things about 35+ which I certainly didn't say.

sassyj wrote: »

This is utter bullsh*t. Any meaningful backup to your pronouncement beside anecdotal evidence???

Quite a few over-35 single people on this thread, by your reckoning most of us are mentally damaged in some way. And age wise, how does it work, 34 and single, AOK. 35, ok now you've mentally deficient in some way and are unable to form relationships.

I never said most. Just a higher proportion.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

...as she has not offered any factual basis to this 'fact'. Was there a field study done or some test on 'single' lab rats to prove the correlation between the single 35+ yr old and the liklihood to be physically or psychologically unwell?
I missed that one.

It doesn't need a field study. Just some basic demographics / mathematics.

There are certain proportion of people who have difficulties means they don't form intimate relationships. (eg extremes of autism, attachment disorders, personality disorders, extreme substance abuse, etc) For argument's sake, say it's 5%. (I have no idea what the rate is in the Irish population - but that doesn't matter, all I've spoken about are increased proportions.)

Based on this, imagine a group of 1000 people. Of these 5% (= 50) won't form a relationship ever. Some proportion of the rest will form a relationship each year, which will turn out to be long term (taking them "off the market" for 25+ years). We don't know which relationships will be long term and which won't - but it's safe to assume that some will. For argument's sake, let's say that 5% of the available pool of singletons form a relationship like this. (My observation is that it's it's likely higher than 5%, at least when people are in their late 20s. But stick with 5% to keep the math simple.)

Now put this into a spreadsheet, looking at the number of people in each group each year. At age 18 everyone's a singleton, and 5% will never form a relationship. The other 95% might. Apply the 5% leave the market rule long term each year - and by age 45 the available pool of singletons is down to about 250. (Some will be always single, some single-again because of death, abandonment, relationship breakdown, whatever). And the will-never-partner group is still 50 strong: 50/250 = 20%, which is vastly higher than it was back at age 18 (only 5%).


Of course these numbers are complete BS, which I made up.

But the point is that they are the right order of magnitude - and the proportion of single people (and especially always-single people) who have problems increases at a rate of knots as those who don't form partnerships and leave the pool.

People who understand maths know this empirically. IMHO people who don't know it instinctively, and do judge based on it.

And I absolutely know that some people who screen candidates / volunteers for roles working with vulnerable people regard ones who aren't currently in a relationship as potentially more risky than ones who are.

Robsweezie

Do you.

Mrs OBumble

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

And I absolutely know that some people who screen candidates / volunteers for roles working with vulnerable people regard ones who aren't currently in a relationship as potentially more risky than ones who are.

The mind boggles.

I prefer to look at people as individuals rather than a set of numbers. There are a myriad of different reasons why people are single and yes some of those reasons are because of issues which may make close relationships difficult and painful. I should know.

If I were the type to judge another based on relationship status then I'd be more curious about the ones in a relationship but not actually wanting to be.

Cupcake_Crisis

I would never judge anyone for being single, but I have felt judged for it. Particularly by older family members. I was forever getting 'have you found anyone nice yet' followed by a sympathetic look.

Jim Bob Scratcher

I love being single. I can do what i want, when I want and I have more money. Marriage is nothing but a prison sentence if you ask me, I'm sure it's great at first but like anything new, the novelty soon wears off..

Graces7

When I was 21 ( age of majority in those faaaaar off days ) in urban Lancashire , my great uncle was very worried that I had no boyfriend.He tied my present ( a stainless steel tea service that was all the rage then) up with a long piece of rough string.. "To catch a lad with," he said.

Such was the expectation in those days.... Sorry uncle; I watched my schoolfriends get married, knitted for their babies etc..

Now I knit for the babies no one else loves and keep cats and happy with that. Matters not ... We are each different after all.. no cookie cutter people.

Mister Vain

Some people in work think I have a girlfriend because I have photos on facebook with a girl I met on holiday. I neither confirmed nor denied it. No harm in letting them think that I suppose. It might allay their suspicions of me being gay.

Carlos Orange

Mister Vain wrote: »

Some people in work think I have a girlfriend because I have photos on facebook with a girl I met on holiday. I neither confirmed nor denied it. No harm in letting them think that I suppose. It might allay their suspicions of me being gay.

I mostly just allay their suspicions by telling them I'm not gay if they ask.
Picture with a random girl might be more efficient.

erica74

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Was having a conversation with a mate of mine the other night. I'm 33, 34 in a month, he's just turned 36. He keeps asking (usually during inebriated states) if he'll ever find the one and settle down and have a family. I never want kids, so he's asking the wrong person. He thinks that he is constantly judged for being single, worrying that people think there's something wrong with him, etc, etc. Me, couldn't care less. While i miss the companionship of having a missus, i never want kids so my options are limited, and i'm ok with that. And i usually give no fcuks what people think of me. I know who i am, what i like, etc.

I brought up the fact that I have no issue with going to the cinema by myself (Limitless, so i go quite often). He said he could never do it, that people would be staring at him as the single loser at the cinema by themselves. I told him i went to see The Secret Life of Pets by myself, the last day it was in the cinema. I was the only person by myself and there were 5 others families there with their kids. My mate said he'd have to walk out for fear of someone judging him. Made me wonder if people actually do judge singletons.

So, AH, do ye judge us lucky folk?

I definitely don't judge single people. Sure I was single myself once.
When I was single I used to do loads of stuff on my own, go out to restaurants on my own, cinema on my own, travel on my own, everything. It was great. I had great friends that I spent time with too but I'm happy in my own company. I still am.
I'm married now and my husband and I have a great relationship but I still love doing stuff on my own - the same things I did when I was single.

Your friend who is afraid he'll be judged for doing things on his own, does he think he has a flashing SINGLE sign above his head? Sure if anyone was even paying attention to him, they might assume he's in a relationship, he could have 10 wives and 10 children but simply wanted a few hours away from it all?!

neonsofa

Few years back I was talking to a neighbour about his daughter, i had seen her in the shop briefly and she told me she had found work and was in a new apartment; I said something along the lines of "I'm delighted for her, shes doing really well" and he said "hmm but still no husband". I was actually taken aback by it. And it wasn't out of malice or judgement, more concern I think? She was creating this lovely life for herself, seemed really happy and content but he could only focus on the lack of husband.

It's similar to when I mention saving for a house/ my career or something, and (it's generally older women) they say "ah sure a man will come along and provide for you, you needn't worry about that", as if it is a given that I want a person to not only be in a relationship with, but to also provide for me. I sometimes worry that I have become too settled in providing for myself, in that it makes me anxious thinking about sharing finances or buying a home with somebody else and becoming dependent on them in a way, but financial stability from a partner seems to be where the concern comes from when people mention my being single.

IamtheWalrus

neonsofa wrote: »

It's similar to when I mention saving for a house/ my career or something, and (it's generally older women) they say "ah sure a man will come along and provide for you, you needn't worry about that", as if it is a given that I want a person to not only be in a relationship with, but to also provide for me. I sometimes worry that I have become too settled in providing for myself, in that it makes me anxious thinking about sharing finances or buying a home with somebody else and becoming dependent on them in a way, but financial stability from a partner seems to be where the concern comes from when people mention my being single.

I'm the same. I've provided for myself for so long now (and am good at it) that I almost wonder if I could ever share it all, I'd almost resent the other person for piggy-backing on my hard work. Sounds weird but that's how I feel.

madmaggie

Don't feel weird, IamtheWalrus, I'm just the same! Having slogged for almost 20 years in a crap job to get a half decent life, I think to myself "hell, no way am I providing someone else with a nice ready made mortgage free home".

RobertKK

I am single in my early 40s, never wanted a relationship, don't care what people think.
If it is an issue for someone else, well it is their issue, not mine. I am happy and feel free, I travel abroad on my own for holidays, I really appreciate my own independence.
I don't believe I would be happy in a relationship, I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who is very clingy, tell me what I should do.
It is my life and once I am happy in my own life, then I don't care what others think of me.
My attitude is once you are happy, then it is not my place to judge someone else. I do think if one is unhappy, they should look to make changes, life is short enough without being unhappy as well.
I don't want children, I don't want to be in a relationship, I love doing my own things, if people want to judge me over that, fine, but you must have a very boring unhappy life if that concerns you.
I don't get people who do this, and people always judge other people, so why care?
Do things you love and enjoy life, whatever status one is in, whether it be single or in a relationship.
You don't have to live by other people's expectations, it is your own life.

Graces7

There is too a definite male/female divide on this?

When my only brother was killed, ( and my father had gone long since) a lady took me aside and quoted an old saying. " A son is a son till he marries a wife, A daughter's a daughter all of her life."

So I aged 16 was being told to stay home...stay single....

neonsofa

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I'm the same. I've provided for myself for so long now (and am good at it) that I almost wonder if I could ever share it all, I'd almost resent the other person for piggy-backing on my hard work. Sounds weird but that's how I feel.

Yep, I don't mind someone swooping in and living in the house I bought myself, or buying stuff with my money, just the thought of sharing a house/finances and him having ownership over it is my problem He could live off my hard work all he wants just once it's still mine and not now "his". And that's why I'm gonna grow old single!

GritBiscuit

myshirt wrote: »

Humans need to be loved, fed, and understood.

You're fooling yourself believing it is natural and healthy remaining single. You need companionship.

Meh, loneliest I've ever felt was in a relationship.

I think it's all about balance, and having needs met and being happy with your situation in order to be healthy, rather than coupledom bringing inherent health. Different strokes and all that...

tomwaterford

madmaggie wrote: »

Don't feel weird, IamtheWalrus, I'm just the same! Having slogged for almost 20 years in a crap job to get a half decent life, I think to myself "hell, no way am I providing someone else with a nice ready made mortgage free home".

What if you really like them?

Lux23

I didn't have a real relationship till I was in my 30s so I know what it is like to feel like you're less of a person because you aren't paired up with someone else. So no, I don't judge single people.

pumpkin4life

Asshole (possible projection from a lad who wants a giant farm with a supermodel wan with ten kids) post coming:

If your life is meaningless/unfulfilling a lot of the time then sometimes putting yourself forward for kids is the only way to do it.

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

I would say that 90% or so men are meant to/are far more suited to being married with kids than being single and 99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single. It's fùcking sad in a way. Wans my age obsessed with the career in marketing and its dawning on them that its other people, not some quota or number that makes your life mean something.

Sometimes as well its a rationalization for being shy/physically unattractive etc as well.

ScumLord

I don't see what the problem is with judging people, it's a great way to pass the time. Sometimes if I make eye contact with a stranger in a public place I'll just start shaking my head like they've done something wrong, then watch as they try to figure it out while they're walking away.

Graces7

GritBiscuit wrote: »

Meh, loneliest I've ever felt was in a relationship.

I think it's all about balance, and having needs met and being happy with your situation in order to be healthy, rather than coupledom bringing inherent health. Different strokes and all that...

Oh so true. Only time I ever feel in any way that way used to be when I had been out among folk but even that has changed and softened now.

pilly

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I'm the same. I've provided for myself for so long now (and am good at it) that I almost wonder if I could ever share it all, I'd almost resent the other person for piggy-backing on my hard work. Sounds weird but that's how I feel.

I'm kind of the same having come full circle from being married, divorced and building it all up again I'm kind of at the stage where I'd like a boyfriend but not a live in partner.

For me it's not really about the piggy-backing but the fact that it took so long to get financially stable and independent that I feel good about the fact that I did it myself and it's all mine.

Cupcake_Crisis

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Asshole (possible projection from a lad who wants a giant farm with a supermodel wan with ten kids) post coming:

If your life is meaningless/unfulfilling a lot of the time then sometimes putting yourself forward for kids is the only way to do it.

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

I would say that 90% or so men are meant to/are far more suited to being married with kids than being single and 99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single. It's fùcking sad in a way. Wans my age obsessed with the career in marketing and its dawning on them that its other people, not some quota or number that makes your life mean something.

Sometimes as well its a rationalization for being shy/physically unattractive etc as well.

At least you warned us it was an asshole post tbf

erica74

neonsofa wrote: »

Few years back I was talking to a neighbour about his daughter, i had seen her in the shop briefly and she told me she had found work and was in a new apartment; I said something along the lines of "I'm delighted for her, shes doing really well" and he said "hmm but still no husband". I was actually taken aback by it. And it wasn't out of malice or judgement, more concern I think? She was creating this lovely life for herself, seemed really happy and content but he could only focus on the lack of husband.

It's similar to when I mention saving for a house/ my career or something, and (it's generally older women) they say "ah sure a man will come along and provide for you, you needn't worry about that", as if it is a given that I want a person to not only be in a relationship with, but to also provide for me. I sometimes worry that I have become too settled in providing for myself, in that it makes me anxious thinking about sharing finances or buying a home with somebody else and becoming dependent on them in a way, but financial stability from a partner seems to be where the concern comes from when people mention my being single.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I'm the same. I've provided for myself for so long now (and am good at it) that I almost wonder if I could ever share it all, I'd almost resent the other person for piggy-backing on my hard work. Sounds weird but that's how I feel.

Prior to meeting my now husband, I had never lived with a partner and had always fiercely maintained my independence.
When I met my now husband it took a while for me to kind of let him in and it was the same for him, as he had been single for nearly 10 years and owned his own house. I actually think that may be why we really understood each other so well, because we were/are so similar.
Occasionally, we still have to remind ourselves that our finances are joint and not you vs me, although I believe it is still important to maintain some financial independence should anything happen (relationship breakdown, illness or death of either person etc).

Ms Doubtfire1

uhm LAT relation all the way. Sharing my home with someone constantly....
nononono can do.
I do judge though..usually married couples..with sympathy.

erica74

Ms Doubtfire1 wrote: »

uhm LAT relation all the way. Sharing my home with someone constantly....
nononono can do.
I do judge though..usually married couples..with sympathy.

Why so?

Bambi985

Being single can be hard financially too after a certain point. Especially if you live in a big city. How on earth could any single person afford to live on their own or afford a mortgage in London or Dublin for example, if they weren't on a fairly large wage or decided on a long commute from an outside county where things are a bit more affordable?

For most single people under those circumstances it'd be house-sharing, which gets old fast and can be tough to do upward of your 20s.

I think our society is designed for couples in that respect, and that infiltrates people perceptions of success or at least sets the "milestones" that people think you have to hit to be a successful, responsible adult. Such as marriages, mortgages and babies.