Do you judge single people?

Potential-Monke

Was having a conversation with a mate of mine the other night. I'm 33, 34 in a month, he's just turned 36. He keeps asking (usually during inebriated states) if he'll ever find the one and settle down and have a family. I never want kids, so he's asking the wrong person. He thinks that he is constantly judged for being single, worrying that people think there's something wrong with him, etc, etc. Me, couldn't care less. While i miss the companionship of having a missus, i never want kids so my options are limited, and i'm ok with that. And i usually give no fcuks what people think of me. I know who i am, what i like, etc.

I brought up the fact that I have no issue with going to the cinema by myself (Limitless, so i go quite often). He said he could never do it, that people would be staring at him as the single loser at the cinema by themselves. I told him i went to see The Secret Life of Pets by myself, the last day it was in the cinema. I was the only person by myself and there were 5 others families there with their kids. My mate said he'd have to walk out for fear of someone judging him. Made me wonder if people actually do judge singletons.

So, AH, do ye judge us lucky folk?

siblers

I envy single people :pac:

suicide_circus

The "judging" he's perceiving is probably something between envy and pity.

Your friend is paranoid. He's probably projecting somewhat.

Everybody is too occupied with their own lives to be weighing up the reasons why some random stranger might be single in his thirties, it's just become such an issue to him that he thinks everyone else thinks it's an issue too.

wakka12

wow life must be a lot harder being as insecure as he is

RayM

I'm 35 and have been single for... well, quite a while (which is very surprising, considering my incredible good looks and amazing personality). It has never occurred to me that anyone would judge me negatively for it.

Oblivoid

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Was having a conversation with a mate of mine the other night. I'm 33, 34 in a month, he's just turned 36. He keeps asking (usually during inebriated states) if he'll ever find the one and settle down and have a family. I never want kids, so he's asking the wrong person. He thinks that he is constantly judged for being single, worrying that people think there's something wrong with him, etc, etc. Me, couldn't care less. While i miss the companionship of having a missus, i never want kids so my options are limited, and i'm ok with that. And i usually give no fcuks what people think of me. I know who i am, what i like, etc.

I brought up the fact that I have no issue with going to the cinema by myself (Limitless, so i go quite often). He said he could never do it, that people would be staring at him as the single loser at the cinema by themselves. I told him i went to see The Secret Life of Pets by myself, the last day it was in the cinema. I was the only person by myself and there were 5 others families there with their kids. My mate said he'd have to walk out for fear of someone judging him. Made me wonder if people actually do judge singletons.

So, AH, do ye judge us lucky folk?

And he's just turned 36? Damn, that's a bit sad, to be honest. To have lived that long and still be worried about how some strangers may or may not perceive you. I used to go to the cinema on my own all the time. I was on the hop from school, in fairness, but still. Ha ha.

Late 20s and never had a LTR. Getting a bit annoying now that I'm the only person in work who's single and among my mates they seem to be coupling all over the place.

So no, I don't judge single people.

Mister Vain

Candie wrote: »

Your friend is paranoid. He's probably projecting somewhat.

Everybody is too occupied with their own lives to be weighing up the reasons why some random stranger might be single in his thirties, it's just become such an issue to him that he thinks everyone else thinks it's an issue too.

This. Although you do get the occasion nosy fecker who has nothing better to be doing, but yeah I find most people just aren't that bothered.

Arghus

No.

fineso.mom

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Late 20s and never had a LTR. Getting a bit annoying now that I'm the only person in work who's single and among my mates they seem to be coupling all over the place.

So no, I don't judge single people.

"Coupling all over the place"....where do you work? Are they hiring ?☺☺

fineso.mom

fineso.mom wrote: »

"Coupling all over the place"....where do you work? Are they hiring ?☺☺

Two different points. In work everyone's either settled or in an LTR since before I started. My mates are all getting into relationships lately, though not with each other as far as I know.

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

I'm far more likely to judge/feel pity for someone who is trapped in a miserable loveless marriage that they can't really get out of, while having a few kids, in a house mortgaged up to the hilt in a job that they hate.

Parchment

Im in a relationship but have been single most of my adult life. I miss being single maybe 40% of the time, 60% of the time im happy to be in a relationship.

i dont judge them at all - why would i? i dont understand why anyone would.

osarusan

No I don't.

Noveight

Nope, more wimmins for me if* the OH gets sick of me.

*when

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

Parchment wrote: »

Im in a relationship but have been single most of my adult life. I miss being single maybe 40% of the time, 60% of the time im happy to be in a relationship.

i dont judge them at all - why would i? i dont understand why anyone would.

Can I ask a somewhat personal question? - Do you think that 40% vrs. 60% ratio is to do with wanting/having/hoping for kids?

Because I have about that ratio in reversed. I miss being in a relationship about 40% of the time and 60% of the time I'm happy to be single.

One eyed Jack

It's not the fact that someone is single I'd judge them on, it's their attitude. I take the same approach to people in relationships too, so it would come down to the kind of people they are, irrespective of their marital status.

Your friend OP would give me a headache.

Parchment

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

Can I ask a somewhat personal question? - Do you think that 40% vrs. 60% ratio is to do with wanting/having/hoping for kids?

Because I have about that ratio in reversed. I miss being in a relationship about 40% of the time and 60% of the time I'm happy to be single.

I dont want kids at all - neither does my partner. I just miss being totally free to do what i want and the "thrill" of meeting new guys etc. Its nothing to do with any flaw/lacking in my current partner. He is amazing - i just miss single life from time to time.

Dr Crayfish

I'm 36 and single. I find it hard to fathom how more of my friends aren't single. I've lived with a couple of gfs in the past and found it very tough going, like I was under pressure all the time and can't just be myself in my own time and space. A lot of people seem to settle from what I can see, and aren't actually happy with that part of their life at all.

dar100

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Was having a conversation with a mate of mine the other night. I'm 33, 34 in a month, he's just turned 36. He keeps asking (usually during inebriated states) if he'll ever find the one and settle down and have a family. I never want kids, so he's asking the wrong person. He thinks that he is constantly judged for being single, worrying that people think there's something wrong with him, etc, etc. Me, couldn't care less. While i miss the companionship of having a missus, i never want kids so my options are limited, and i'm ok with that. And i usually give no fcuks what people think of me. I know who i am, what i like, etc.

I brought up the fact that I have no issue with going to the cinema by myself (Limitless, so i go quite often). He said he could never do it, that people would be staring at him as the single loser at the cinema by themselves. I told him i went to see The Secret Life of Pets by myself, the last day it was in the cinema. I was the only person by myself and there were 5 others families there with their kids. My mate said he'd have to walk out for fear of someone judging him. Made me wonder if people actually do judge singletons.

So, AH, do ye judge us lucky folk?

I suspect that your mates insecurities of been judged are his own issues projected onto others

He's judging himself and is probably insecure in himself.

The vast vast majority wouldn't and couldn't care less about anothers relationship status.

meeeeh

A single adult without kids going to see The Secret Life of Pets. Damn right I'd judge you.

Galwayguy35

I'm 42 and have been single for a few years now, I'm always getting comments from people i know about the fact that I haven't "settled down yet" but the truth is the longer I've been on my own the better I like it and I like having my own space.

3 of the lads I grew up with are going through messy divorces now as well so when I see that going on my situation doesn't seem too bad.

Glenster

I never would judge normally. Wouldn't even think about it.

But if I heard two mid 30's lads in a pub talking about whether they'll ever find love........

I'd probably judge them a bit.

Dr Crayfish

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I'm 42 and have been single for a few years now, I'm always getting comments from people i know about the fact that I haven't "settled down yet" but the truth is the longer I've been on my own the better I like it and I like having my own space.

3 of the lads I grew up with are going through messy divorces now as well so when I see that going on my situation doesn't seem too bad.

Galwayguy42! I was just thinking of my married close friends from growing up. All but 1 couple are separated now with the intention of getting divorced, even those with kids involved. The one who's still in a relationship is a very submissive type of bloke who you can barely argue with as he ends up agreeing with you. Anyway his bird is a total nightmare controlling lunatic who I've seen punch him a few times when she's angry.
So I guess I should be thankful for my life of relative peace!

suicide_circus

Relationships basically work thusly;

Person A assumes the role of the child. Needs constant reassurance and maintenance. Uses the youth and vitality of the other person in much the same way as a steam train uses coal. Uses food, sex, conversation as weapons. Becomes a master of manipulation, misdirection and control while maintaining a gargantuan martyr and victim complex.

Person B assumes the role as the slave. Frequently to be heard using the phrase "yes dear". Their dreams so trampled upon that they have forgotten how to dream. Is dimly aware of their misery but enables Person A's behaviour at every opportunity as without it their only purpose in life would vanish.

paleoperson

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I brought up the fact that I have no issue with going to the cinema by myself (Limitless, so i go quite often). He said he could never do it, that people would be staring at him as the single loser at the cinema by themselves. I told him i went to see The Secret Life of Pets by myself, the last day it was in the cinema. I was the only person by myself and there were 5 others families there with their kids. My mate said he'd have to walk out for fear of someone judging him. Made me wonder if people actually do judge singletons. ?

I'd be more worried about having the mentality of a 11 year old girl.

s4uv3

"Judge" single people?
Dafuq is that about? I couldn't give a monkeys if someone has never had a shift or if they're married to three golden retrievers.
I'm happy in my own situation, and that's the only relationship I analyse enough to "judge"

Keven duffy

Yea

jamesbere

I've been single for 8 years now. I'm quite happy and settled in my single life. Now don't get me wrong if the right woman came along I'd be delighted.

Keven duffy

It true so true

Keven duffy

jamesbere wrote: »

I've been single for 8 years now. I'm quite happy and settled in my single life. Now don't get me wrong if the right woman came along I'd be delighted.

I bet you would

Galwayguy35

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Galwayguy42! I was just thinking of my married close friends from growing up. All but 1 couple are separated now with the intention of getting divorced, even those with kids involved. The one who's still in a relationship is a very submissive type of bloke who you can barely argue with as he ends up agreeing with you. Anyway his bird is a total nightmare controlling lunatic who I've seen punch him a few times when she's angry.
So I guess I should be thankful for my life of relative peace!

Yep some people rush into the oul ball and chain scenario and regret it afterwards.

Nearly ended up the same myself about 10 years ago but bailed before the big day, I've no doubt herself still hates my guts for dumping her at the last minute but it's better than ending up like the 3 lads I mentioned in the previous post.

jamesbere

Keven duffy wrote: »

I bet you would

Yeah I would, but if you want to bet on it I'll give you good odds

learn_more

Yes, I do. Single people are usually too good for everyone else ( like myself ) and thus have a harder time meeting an equal. It's a cross to bear but since I'm in the top 10% catch wise it follows that I'm great to be with which means I enjoy my own company more so than lesser people would. It's not so bad really. Preferable actually I'd say.

Robsweezie

What Susie says of Sally, says more of Susie than off Sally

jamesbere

Robsweezie wrote: »

What Susie says of Sally, says more of Susie than off Sally

Ah that susie one is a thundering c***

Mrs OBumble

I think that people do. Maybe not exactly judge. But once you reach the age when most people are coupled, the social life does dry up: couples would far rather socialise with other couples, and at some level the same-gender-as-you-partner does worry about you trying to steal his/her partner.

Also, once you're past mid 30s, a higher proportion of people who are still single are like that because they have some health or psychological issues which mean they have difficulty forming a relationship. Unkind people may call them crazy or suchlike. So by association some will wonder if any single person they meet falls into this category, or is just recently-dumped (and thus damaged goods).

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who was single until 40 (apart from a couple of brief 3-month datings along the way). In my 20s I was more conscious of it. But by my 30s, if no friends wanted to so someplace I wanted to go, then I very happily went alone (and sometimes I didn't even bother checking with the friends, I just went anyways).

Tilikum

RayM wrote: »

I'm 35 and have been single for... well, quite a while (which is very surprising, considering my incredible good looks and amazing personality). It has never occurred to me that anyone would judge me negatively for it.

I was in the exact same boat as you Ray up until 3 yrs ago. Now I'm married at 39 😩

Yourself isit

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I think that people do. Maybe not exactly judge. But once you reach the age when most people are coupled, the social life does dry up: couples would far rather socialise with other couples, and at some level the same-gender-as-you-partner does worry about you trying to steal his/her partner.

Also, once you're past mid 30s, a higher proportion of people who are still single are like that because they have some health or psychological issues which mean they have difficulty forming a relationship. Unkind people may call them crazy or suchlike. So by association some will wonder if any single person they meet falls into this category, or is just recently-dumped (and thus damaged goods).

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who was single until 40 (apart from a couple of brief 3-month datings along the way). In my 20s I was more conscious of it. But by my 30s, if no friends wanted to so someplace I wanted to go, then I very happily went alone (and sometimes I didn't even bother checking with the friends, I just went anyways).

I think the "Single people are psychological" judgementalism tells us more about you, and to a certain extent Ireland - particularly country Ireland
- than single people. Very odd.

I'm not single btw, but Ireland is still very Catholic in its relationship status. The assumption here is that there no pool of available dates past 35 could only be true in a society where people couple by that age and don't divorce or seperate. So it's hook up by 35 or be damned to be a singleton.

RayM

Tilikum wrote: »

I was in the exact same boat as you Ray up until 3 yrs ago. Now I'm married at 39 😩

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUEV4rnu5V8

As usual with AH, it's all about the extremes.

The alternative to ecstatic male singledom is a life of housebound enslavement, emotional misery, mental and/or physical abuse, presumably followed by a divorce that leaves you homeless, destitute and broken, never to see the children that have been deliberately alienated from you again.

No middle ground there at all.

xzanti

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

I'm far more likely to judge/feel pity for someone who is trapped in a miserable loveless marriage that they can't really get out of, while having a few kids, in a house mortgaged up to the hilt in a job that they hate.

This.

IamtheWalrus

I'm 35 and single. I think it's partly to do with my inability to form relationships. But then again, I never date people much to test that theory. I think the longer I'm single, the more I get used to it and don't let it bother me. The only reason I'd hurry the thing along is society's view that I should be coupled by now. I sometimes think, maybe I should listen to society incase I regret it. Hardly a reason to get into a relationship.

meeeeh

Candie wrote: »

As usual with AH, it's all about the extremes.

The alternative to ecstatic male singledom is a life of housebound enslavement, emotional misery, mental and/or physical abuse, presumably followed by a divorce that leaves you homeless, destitute and broken, never to see the children that have been deliberately alienated from you again.

No middle ground there at all.

I think it's normal enough reaction. Some people feel less miserable when they think someone is worse of than them. So you get X thinking I am single and childless but at least I am not married to complete twat and have to tolerate couple of obnoxious kids like Y. And Y thinks "well my husband/wife is an ass but at least I have two little darlings and won't die alone and be eaten by rats before someone misses me like X.

meeeeh

meeeeh wrote: »

I think it's normal enough reaction. Some people feel less miserable when they think someone is worse of than them. So you get X thinking I am single and childless but at least I am not married to complete twat and have to tolerate couple of obnoxious kids like Y. And Y thinks "well my husband/wife is an ass but at least I have two little darlings and won't die alone and be eaten by rats before someone misses me like X.

Only normal if you're miserable to begin with, the rest of us just get on with life and don't deal in either/or comparisons to validate our situations or choices.

Charles Babbage

It is simple maths, assume you have a 10% chance of meeting "the one" in a given year, and you start at 20, then 10 years later two thirds of people are sorted, but 20 years after that there are still 5% left. Some people are hard to sort, some just haven't had the dice roll for them.

meeeeh

Charles Babbage wrote: »

It is simple maths, assume you have a 10% chance of meeting "the one" in a given year, and you start at 20, then 10 years later two thirds of people are sorted, but 20 years after that there are still 5% left. Some people are hard to sort, some just haven't had the dice roll for them.

And some people just don't want to get 'sorted'.

JennyZ

I think people often do judge people for being single, regardless of age. But I never let it bother me in the slightest. People can be single in their 20's -60's for a whole host of reasons! I've no time for anyone who is anyway judgemental in this regard.

notsoyoungwan

I'm a 37 year old woman and happily single. I get my *ahem* needs met through dating and short term flings, but I am most definitely not looking for a long term partner/husband, and I don't intend to have children at all.

There are some people who just cannot fathom this, and who assume I'm just "putting on a brave face" and saying don't want a partner when in fact I'm secretly just dying to "settle down". I've found them to be patronising and condescending, saying things like "you're great to keep going on your own", "you're right to enjoy your life now and don't worry, you'll definitely meet someone" or the spectacularly irritating "oh you just haven't met the right one yet".

I'm not quite sure are those people just very insular and small-minded, and thus unable to comprehend that others don't make the same life-choices as them or do they genuinely pity me.