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Am I in the minority?
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Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy
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In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way
Wait until you know for sure.
And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.
I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.
This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem.Galwayguy35 wrote:Being single and over 40 makes it a lot more difficult to meet someone ...
And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: ) 0 -
CelticRambler wrote: »Wait until you know for sure.
And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.
I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.
This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem. And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: )
Ah
sorry to hear that.
Sometimes people kind of expect to only fall in love with a completely perfect person, or think that the fact that you love them will mean they'll be perfect and it'll always be easy. Sadly untrue, we are all human and imperfect.0 -
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Deleted User wrote: »In terms of making me as happy as she has?
Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.
The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser. Not necessarily any less happy than you are now. Just coupled up/married to someone else and probably bleating on about how fabulous they are too coz you're obviously a die-hard romantic
OP I was like you, single single single until I was almost 30, met all kinds of fellas before that but none who stuck. It just didn't work out, until I met someone and it did. Love came knocking and it wasn't what I expected it to look like. Truly thought I was a write-off destined to spend the next ten years going to weddings without any plus one. Until suddenly a work friendship became a drunken night out became a hook-up became a guy that texted me every day and started making plans with me became a guy that bought me flowers and made me laugh until my belly ached while simultaneously driving me five shades of mad with his controversial opinions but someone who called me first thing in the morning and last thing at night regardless of how much we annoyed each other.
He didn't tick all of the boxes either, the way you're taught they always will. We're quite different but keep each other on our toes, maybe that's why it works. So just relax and enjoy being young and all that comes with that, and don't write anyone off without a very good reason. You never know what's around the corner.0 -
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Widdershins wrote: »If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!
I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf 0 -
Dr Crayfish wrote: »I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf
I don't want to add to that feeling so I'll try to say nothing vom-inducing..it just makes me feel peaceful to think that even if MY relationship doesn't, at least some peoples will be intact (I think theirs will, from what he's said here). I can think of hardly any couple I know of, who have gone the distance. A lot of them are only together out of convenience, panic because they want six children before they're in their mid thirties, afraid others will think they're gay (seriously!), using each other for money etc. That's what makes my insides curdle. The sheer f*****g bleakness of that!0 -
Dr Crayfish wrote: »I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf
Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.0 -
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[Deleted User] wrote: »Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.
I will take all you posts on this matter under advisement, pending receipt of your wife's affidavit.
Not your ornery onager
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sbsquarepants wrote: »plus maybe another 200 million who aren't perfect, but who are good enough
Those of us who have experienced "perfect" know that "good enough" is a pretty poor compromise.
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There was a poster on here a while back. They knew of a couple who although did not find each other attractive, enjoyed the symbiotic partnership and appreciated each others parenting skills!
Believing in 'the one' out of 3 billion is a bit mad though! It's a bit like believing in a religion. Plenty do though.
Jesus. That's lovely but not for me. It reminds me of a few friends who say '' I married my best friend''.
I know it's a bit mad but I do believe in the one in 3 million but didn't really think about until I met my current boyfriend. I had no such expectations because I think most people are nice-but-boring, or worse, and I can't do what the couple you mentioned did.
If we were to split up I certainly won't be hoping or looking for a replacement. I probably won't just 'settle down' with a 'nice' person I can get along with. It would never be the same and I'd feel awful because I'd never see the new person in the same way, and my loyalty will always be to him, no matter what, even if I decide not to actually live with or see him. If it really came down to it I'd drop everything.
I was lucky, although it's not always easy because we're not one of those comfortable friend-couples. I think that's why I like to hear about Conor 74 and how mad about his wife AND they seem to be able to do the lifey stuff at the same time. Even though his relationship sounds very different to mine I get what he and another poster said about it never being the same with another person no matter how many similar qualities they have.
(I'm not obsessed or anything, Conor74) 0
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