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Am I in the minority?

Go Tobban

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

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Mister Vain

Don't do what I did in my late 20's and start panicking because you're getting close to 30 and you haven't been serious about anyone. I was trying everything from day game approaching to nude yoga classes, thinking it would get me somewhere. Don't force it. Let it happen organically.

[Deleted User]

Widdershins wrote: »

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!

Who? Her? It all ended 30 minutes ago, when I first read of...

Mister Vain wrote: »

nude yoga classes

J Mysterio

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Haahhahaha

CelticRambler

Go Tobban wrote: »

Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

...

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

Wait until you know for sure.

And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.

I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.

Galwayguy35 wrote:

Being single and over 40 makes it a lot more difficult to meet someone ...

This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem.

And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: )

Widdershins

CelticRambler wrote: »

Wait until you know for sure.

And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.

I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.

This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem. And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: )

sorry to hear that.

Sometimes people kind of expect to only fall in love with a completely perfect person, or think that the fact that you love them will mean they'll be perfect and it'll always be easy. Sadly untrue, we are all human and imperfect.

Wanderer2010

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

Colser

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

I answered someone along the lines of "What's it to you?" and he started laughing and said he hates to see anyone happy...he's married to my friend.ðŸ˜

Mr.Plough

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

If its someone you don't know that well, fair enough.

If they're you're friends/family, they could easily just be winding you up though. I'd probably ask you myself for the craic if I was guaranteed a reaction like that.

Widdershins

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

Nosiness.

Bambi985

Deleted User wrote: »

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser. Not necessarily any less happy than you are now. Just coupled up/married to someone else and probably bleating on about how fabulous they are too coz you're obviously a die-hard romantic

OP I was like you, single single single until I was almost 30, met all kinds of fellas before that but none who stuck. It just didn't work out, until I met someone and it did. Love came knocking and it wasn't what I expected it to look like. Truly thought I was a write-off destined to spend the next ten years going to weddings without any plus one. Until suddenly a work friendship became a drunken night out became a hook-up became a guy that texted me every day and started making plans with me became a guy that bought me flowers and made me laugh until my belly ached while simultaneously driving me five shades of mad with his controversial opinions but someone who called me first thing in the morning and last thing at night regardless of how much we annoyed each other.

He didn't tick all of the boxes either, the way you're taught they always will. We're quite different but keep each other on our toes, maybe that's why it works. So just relax and enjoy being young and all that comes with that, and don't write anyone off without a very good reason. You never know what's around the corner.

[Deleted User]

Bambi985 wrote: »

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser...

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

Bambi985

Deleted User wrote: »

Bambi985 wrote: »

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser...

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

Ah yeah and same here. Lots of great guys, just not anyone who was HIM, if that makes sense. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but we're right for each other in a way I'd never experienced before.

Doesn't stop me from seeing the situation for what it is though. Two old souls whose worlds collided due to circumstances and probably some kind of Sliding Doors scenario where if he hadn't come to the pub that night... if I hadn't caught him on his lunch break that time and asked for his help on a work assignment etc etc Could've been different. Not better, not worse, different. Different guy, different relationship, or maybe another ten years of dating eejits. Who knows :-)

Dr Crayfish

Widdershins wrote: »

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

Widdershins

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

I don't want to add to that feeling so I'll try to say nothing vom-inducing..it just makes me feel peaceful to think that even if MY relationship doesn't, at least some peoples will be intact (I think theirs will, from what he's said here). I can think of hardly any couple I know of, who have gone the distance. A lot of them are only together out of convenience, panic because they want six children before they're in their mid thirties, afraid others will think they're gay (seriously!), using each other for money etc. That's what makes my insides curdle. The sheer f*****g bleakness of that!

[Deleted User]

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.

Yourself isit

[Deleted User] wrote: »

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

You have no idea how your life would have gone.

Had she say refused you when you were 17 you would now be looking back at that as a slightly embarrassing teenage crush.

adox

I think it's naive to think there's only "one" person for you on this planet, "the one"

Widdershins

adox wrote: »

I think it's naive to think there's only "one" person for you on this planet, "the one"

How many sounds right?

[Deleted User]

Yourself isit wrote: »

You have no idea how your life would have gone.

I have every idea, because since I met her I have met thousands of people. It's not like being married traps you in some bubble where you are immune to attractive qualities in others, looks, personality, humour etc. You can still compare them to your wife and think...naaaaah. I'm very close with some women who are, by any standards, very attractive, great fun, wonderfully warm and again I sometimes think what if things had ended up differently...and I know for one reason or another, they just don't compare.

Esel

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.

I will take all you posts on this matter under advisement, pending receipt of your wife's affidavit.

Yourself isit

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I have every idea, because since I met her I have met thousands of people. It's not like being married traps you in some bubble where you are immune to attractive qualities in others, looks, personality, humour etc. You can still compare them to your wife and think...naaaaah. I'm very close with some women who are, by any standards, very attractive, great fun, wonderfully warm and again I sometimes think what if things had ended up differently...and I know for one reason or another, they just don't compare.

Sigh. Yes you've met other people. Who hasn't. Unless you were willing to fall romantically for them (and you weren't because you are besotted with your wife) then you don't know anything much about how you would have felt for them were you single.

Do you think that had your wife refused you you would have no other relationship? That you would still be mourning over a schoolboy crush?

Or do you think that the greatest love you were ever likely to meet happened to be in your village, your age, and at your school?

[Deleted User]

Yourself isit wrote: »

Sigh....
Do you think that had your wife refused you you would have no other relationship?

Sigh? Does this irritate you or something?

If I had not met my wife, I'm sure I'd have settled for someone else.

Colser

adox wrote: »

I think it's naive to think there's only "one" person for you on this planet, "the one"

I'd disagree...I think there's usually one but it might not always work out.You can probably move on a be happy but that person never leaves your mind completely.

sbsquarepants

I don't buy into the whole "the one" concept at all. There are over 3 billion women in the world - I reckon you could be perfectly happy with at least 2% of those, and reasonably happy with maybe another 5% - that's at least 200Million, plus maybe another 200 million who aren't perfect, but who are good enough, that's a fair few more than 1.

If there was only 1, statistically speaking - you'd just never meet her.

I reckon there is more than 1 in my job, never mind in the whole world!:D

Glenster

For a lot of people it only really turns around once you hit 25.

I wouldn't worry about it.....

.....If you are a bloke,

If you're a woman you better start freezing eggs because THE CLOCK IS TICKING!!!!!

CelticRambler

sbsquarepants wrote: »

plus maybe another 200 million who aren't perfect, but who are good enough

Those of us who have experienced "perfect" know that "good enough" is a pretty poor compromise.

Widdershins

Very hard to describe it but for me it had nothing to do with perfection. Of course there are plenty of others you could have a good relationship with, and maybe some of them are even better people, on paper, than the person you consider your soulmate or whatever you call it.

Widdershins

sbsquarepants wrote: »

If there was only 1, statistically speaking - you'd just never meet her.

More or less true and very few people say they have met them, but some people do. The few who say they have met them, aren't entirely believed because it's like describing pain the other person can't feel, or trying to imagine an electric shock if you've never had one. And, a lot of them go on to split up eventually, because that kind of love has little to do with living companionably and co-operatively, nothing to do with how well you manage your schedules around each other or how considerate the other person is, all of that's about meeting someone you can rub along nicely with, and there's always thousands of people you could get along with, find attractive and who would tick a lot of boxes. People assume it's the same thing.

Pac1Man

Widdershins wrote: »

A lot of them are only together out of convenience, panic because they want six children before they're in their mid thirties, afraid others will think they're gay (seriously!), using each other for money etc. That's what makes my insides curdle. The sheer f*****g bleakness of that!

There was a poster on here a while back. They knew of a couple who although did not find each other attractive, enjoyed the symbiotic partnership and appreciated each others parenting skills!

Believing in 'the one' out of 3 billion is a bit mad though! It's a bit like believing in a religion. Plenty do though.

Widdershins

Pac1Man wrote: »

There was a poster on here a while back. They knew of a couple who although did not find each other attractive, enjoyed the symbiotic partnership and appreciated each others parenting skills!

Believing in 'the one' out of 3 billion is a bit mad though! It's a bit like believing in a religion. Plenty do though.

Jesus. That's lovely but not for me. It reminds me of a few friends who say '' I married my best friend''.

I know it's a bit mad but I do believe in the one in 3 million but didn't really think about until I met my current boyfriend. I had no such expectations because I think most people are nice-but-boring, or worse, and I can't do what the couple you mentioned did.

If we were to split up I certainly won't be hoping or looking for a replacement. I probably won't just 'settle down' with a 'nice' person I can get along with. It would never be the same and I'd feel awful because I'd never see the new person in the same way, and my loyalty will always be to him, no matter what, even if I decide not to actually live with or see him. If it really came down to it I'd drop everything.

I was lucky, although it's not always easy because we're not one of those comfortable friend-couples. I think that's why I like to hear about Conor 74 and how mad about his wife AND they seem to be able to do the lifey stuff at the same time. Even though his relationship sounds very different to mine I get what he and another poster said about it never being the same with another person no matter how many similar qualities they have.
(I'm not obsessed or anything, Conor74)