Am I in the minority?

Colser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.

A slight derail here but what do you think is the biggest cause of those 25 year relationship break ups?Were they never the "one" for each other or do people change and some people break up while others carry on unhappily?

Widdershins

Where did the other posts go?

wakka12

Deleted User wrote: »

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

The 'only' one for you probably just so happens to be around the same age, is attractive to your physically,from same country, speaks same language, same social class, maybe even same city/town? Some coincidence! Im happy for you and she may be the most compatible person for you that you've met so far in life but this 'only one' soul mate stuff is so silly :pac:

Considering will never say as much as a word of a sentence to 99.999% of the worlds population in your lifetime

Lots of humans are highly compatible with one another, it may makes us feel like we are in love and theyre the best we could hope for but animals need to reproduce and your mind wants you to think exactly that

Widdershins

wakka12 wrote: »

The 'only' one for you probably just so happens to be around the same age, is attractive to your physically,from same country, speaks same language, same social class, maybe even same city/town? Some coincidence! Im happy for you and she may be the most compatible person for you that you've met so far in life but this 'only one' soul mate stuff is so silly :pac:

Considering will never say as much as a word of a sentence to 99.999% of the worlds population in your lifetime

Lots of humans are highly compatible with one another, it may makes us feel like we are in love and theyre the best we could hope for but animals need to reproduce and your mind wants you to think exactly that

Agree that most of that is sensible but still think it's missing the point-which is very hard to explain so I don't blame you-but why do some people fall in love with people who aren't the model of stability and all that (with the biological drive to reproduce in mind), when they might have more suitable life/breeding partners available to them, romantically? And what arbitrary number of people should you date-from how far away- before feeling you've done a thorough job of testing the candidates?

wakka12

Widdershins wrote: »

Agree that most of that is sensible but still think it's missing the point-which is very hard to explain so I don't blame you-but why do some people fall in love with people who aren't the model of stability and all that (with the biological drive to reproduce in mind), when they might have more suitable life/breeding partners available to them, romantically? And what arbitrary number of people should you date-from how far away- before feeling you've done a thorough job of testing the candidates?

haha, yeh never thought about that, its a good question!

bnt

Personally, I spent far too long in my work and personal lives surrounded by men. I left home at 18 and went straight to work, and for years women were these things I'd see only at a distance. I've been in technical industries all the time, so the few I saw at work were either married or so defensive (due to being surrounded by guys) that they were unapproachable. It was only after I spent more time around women, getting used to how they talk and interact with other people, getting comfortable in their company, that things started to change for me. The lesson for me is that a man won't get better with women without the help of women.

Widdershins

wakka12 wrote: »

haha, yeh never thought about that, its a good question!

I actually kind of know the answer to the first one. Some people are attracted to 'bad boys' rather than stable types because it's a form of being streetwise. I suppose if the sh1t hit the fan and there was an apocalyptic event, they might cut someone's throat for the last can of condensed milk and Barry's teabag for you!

Pac1Man

Widdershins wrote: »

I actually kind of know the answer to the first one. Some people are attracted to 'bad boys' rather than stable types because it's a form of being streetwise. I suppose if the sh1t hit the fan and there was an apocalyptic event, they might cut someone's throat for the last can of condensed milk and Barry's teabag for you!

Almost all of our instincts can be traced back to some caveman-esque reason. Some of it is very interesting!

Take social anxiety, the blight of millions. That's a survival instinct but is widely considered a weakness in today's society. The caveman will do all he can to avoid a group of strangers. Who knows what could happen?

He will enter flight mode (increased blood flow and adrenaline). If he has to enter a group, he will likely stand with his back to the wall near an exit. Less danger, greater chance of escape. He is less affected when in the company of friends or family, people he can trust.

Nowadays people rarely require this level of alertness so of course they should be encouraged to overcome it, but it is all too often referred to as a defect rather than something natural.


Edit: I'm not sure what this post has to do with this thread.

Widdershins

Pac1Man wrote: »

Almost all of our instincts can be traced back to some caveman-esque reason. Some of it is very interesting!

Take social anxiety, the blight of millions. That's a survival instinct but is widely considered a weakness in today's society. The caveman will do all he can to avoid a group of strangers. Who knows what could happen?

He will enter flight mode (increased blood flow and adrenaline). If he has to enter a group, he will likely stand with his back to the wall near an exit. Less danger, greater chance of escape. He is less affected when in the company of friends or family, people he can trust.

Nowadays people rarely require this level of alertness so of course they should be encouraged to overcome it, but it is all too often referred to as a defect rather than something natural.

It's a bit like a natural response that's stuck 'on' or in overdrive, or that's how I thought of it when I had an anxiety disorder.

''Edit: I'm not sure what this post has to do with this thread.'' Don't worry, someone'll be along to bollock us.

Well, cavemen and women didn't have to worry about mortgages so naturally, certain traits aren't translating over. Intellectually finding someone suitable now, based on a mixture of things including modern practicalities, is different to being drawn to someone for more primal reasons.

rob316

Don't stress OP or overthink it, your 26. Get out there, see the world and enjoy life.

I'm with my wife since I was 17 but I was mad about her since I was about 15 and to be honest she is the only woman I have ever been remotely interested in. We got married last year after 11 years together, but my story isn't the same for many I'd say. I'm extremely happy and would hate to be in a relationship I just settled in. I have a friend who has to be in a relationship all the time and some of them have been absolutely toxic.

My best friend who was hopeless with relationships moved abroad 2 years ago, 6 months later he was engaged to a local girl. That's my point OP it will just happen, no need to force it.

sbsquarepants

Colser wrote: »

A slight derail here but what do you think is the biggest cause of those 25 year relationship break ups?Were they never the "one" for each other or do people change and some people break up while others carry on unhappily?

I think you've hit the nail, maybe on the shoulder - close to the head, but not quite.
Everyone changes, nobody is the same person at 50 that they were at 30. This is where luck comes into it I reckon, both partners change but some couples change in different ways and some change in similar ways, leading to some growing apart and some remaining close.
For example, say 1 person was to loose interest in sex, the relationship is as good as doomed, if both did it wouldn't even be an issue. Same thing applies with a million other potential land mines - you can be lucky and waltz through the mine field unscathed, or you can end up in pieces.

Mister Vain

sbsquarepants wrote: »

If there was only 1, statistically speaking - you'd just never meet her.

I reckon there is more than 1 in my job, never mind in the whole world!:D

Yep. There is one woman in my job who I think is pretty much perfect. Stunning good looks, down to earth and a great personality. Unfortunately she's married. Actually the only proper relationship I was ever in was with a married woman who I also met in work.

CelticRambler

wakka12 wrote: »

The 'only' one for you probably just so happens to be around the same age, is attractive to your physically,from same country, speaks same language, same social class, maybe even same city/town? Some coincidence! Im happy for you and she may be the most compatible person for you that you've met so far in life but this 'only one' soul mate stuff is so silly :pac:

Ah, not so silly as all that. Leaving aside those who are attracted by a "bad boy"/"bad girl" your soulmate is more than likely to be a soulmate because they share an understanding of who and what you are, and that's going to exclude a huge number of the 3 billion.

But Widdershins' pain analogy above is really good - it's very hard to describe what it's like to feel "The One" feeling to someone who doesn't believe in it. Having said that, I wouldn't say there can't ever be Another One - but there's no doubt that he/she would have to tick at least as many of the "some coincidence" boxes or the emotional gap will be just too wide.

Widdershins

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yep. There is one woman in my job who I think is pretty much perfect. Stunning good looks, down to earth and a great personality. Unfortunately she's married. Actually the only proper relationship I was ever in was with a married woman who I also met in work.

Maybe you've met your soulmate. Nobody said you get to get your soulmate It sounds more like a ''Ticks ALL the right boxes'' situation, though.

CelticRambler wrote: »

Ah, not so silly as all that. Leaving aside those who are attracted by a "bad boy"/"bad girl" your soulmate is more than likely to be a soulmate because they share an understanding of who and what you are, and that's going to exclude a huge number of the 3 billion.

But Widdershins' pain analogy above is really good - it's very hard to describe what it's like to feel "The One" feeling to someone who doesn't believe in it. Having said that, I wouldn't say there can't ever be Another One - but there's no doubt that he/she would have to tick at least as many of the "some coincidence" boxes or the emotional gap will be just too wide.

Thanks! I'm glad someone knows what I'm on about.

Bambi985

I think "the one" type of thinking can be seriously detrimental to a person's wellbeing. What if life happens and you break up or they die or something, do you just cease to move on and open yourself up to finding a partner again because "no-one will compare" and you'll "never be as happy" with someone else?

I think one of the conditions of being in love is the belief that you'll never find someone as unique, as good a fit and as great a match for you ever again. That's kind of how you get to the point of falling in love with the person and that keeps you there. It's like part of the "love" package and it's certainly true for my own relationship. I've met loads of guys, I've dated a fair few too, I can appreciate that many of them have better-on-paper qualities than my OH's but it's all irrelevant because none of them could come close to understanding me, tolerating me, caring for me and loving me the way he can. No-one could make me laugh in the same way, placate me with a simple smile, all the things the love songs and sonnets and poems are written about.

But at the heart of everyone's life is change, and none of us ever know in which direction we're going to be pulled. I could change, my fella could change, life could separate us in ways that aren't conceivable now and I'd have to eventually embrace the idea of someone else. And maybe I'd be single and miserable for the rest of my days, or maybe I'd find someone that felt like home to me again, but in a different way. And a new life would begin for me. Happens every day of the week. Relationships are largely about opportunity, timing and happenstance.

Widdershins

Bambi985 wrote: »

I think "the one" type of thinking can be seriously detrimental to a person's wellbeing. What if life happens and you break up or they die or something, do you just cease to move on and open yourself up to finding a partner again because "no-one will compare" and you'll "never be as happy" with someone else?

I think one of the conditions of being in love is the belief that you'll never find someone as unique, as good a fit and as great a match for you ever again. That's kind of how you get to the point of falling in love with the person and that keeps you there. It's like part of the "love" package and it's certainly true for my own relationship. I've met loads of guys, I've dated a fair few too, I can appreciate that many of them have better-on-paper qualities than my OH's but it's all irrelevant because none of them could come close to understanding me, tolerating me, caring for me and loving me the way he can. No-one could make me laugh in the same way, placate me with a simple smile, all the things the love songs and sonnets and poems are written about.

But at the heart of everyone's life is change, and none of us ever know in which direction we're going to be pulled. I could change, my fella could change, life could separate us in ways that aren't conceivable now and I'd have to eventually embrace the idea of someone else. And maybe I'd be single and miserable for the rest of my days, or maybe I'd find someone that felt like home to me again, but in a different way. And a new life would begin for me. Happens every day of the week. Relationships are largely about opportunity, timing and happenstance.

You move on if/when you're ready. Most people need companionship and touch and there's nothing wrong with a good relationship with a good person. That other person will still have some/all of your heart? (that's what would worry me, so I'd keep people at arm's length, emotionally, and deal with that being my future) , but that's the way it goes.
Being deeply in love with someone and it ending for any reason is going to hurt, when a lot of people can't even seem to deal with any breakup-I've a few friends who seemed gutted after a few months of a relationship ended. That's probably not healthy, either, but humans are messy, as is life.

ToddyDoody

Go Tobban wrote: »

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

Idea for a picture exhibition - couples arguing.

CelticRambler

sbsquarepants wrote: »

This is where luck comes into it I reckon, both partners change but some couples change in different ways and some change in similar ways, leading to some growing apart and some remaining close.

Bambi985 wrote: »

But at the heart of everyone's life is change, and none of us ever know in which direction we're going to be pulled.

Well, I'd say you have there the very definition of "the One" versus a relationship of convenience! Yes, people change, but whether it's physical or emotional, someone who loves you for all that you are will adapt to that. Apart from when they're afflicted by an injury or illness, most people don't really change all that much. They may seem to change to others who've known them in a certain context (e.g. family members, work colleagues) but a lot of the time those same people affecting how the person behaves. and at some point, they've finally had enough and show who they truly are. If you're with someone who knows the "real you" they'll probably have helped you get to that point, so it won't be a problem.

CelticRambler

Bambi985 wrote: »

I think "the one" type of thinking can be seriously detrimental to a person's wellbeing.

Widdershins wrote: »

That other person will still have some/all of your heart?

Of course they will! :cool: I'm alternately amused and irritated by the notion that someone dating in their 30s/40s/50s is expected to have "no baggage" even if they've been in a long term relationship before. What kind of unemotional being are you if you can CTRL+ALT+DEL a former relationship out of your life?

When I re-entered the "single-and-searching" environment a few years ago, this used to bother me; now I find it's a great filter. If someone's bothered by the fact that the former MrsCR bought me an apple tree yesterday, chances are they wouldn't really believe that I'd care just as much for them in the long term.

Mister Vain

I'd prefer an apple computer.

sbsquarepants

CelticRambler wrote: »

Well, I'd say you have there the very definition of "the One" versus a relationship of convenience! Yes, people change, but whether it's physical or emotional, someone who loves you for all that you are will adapt to that. Apart from when they're afflicted by an injury or illness, most people don't really change all that much. They may seem to change to others who've known them in a certain context (e.g. family members, work colleagues) but a lot of the time those same people affecting how the person behaves. and at some point, they've finally had enough and show who they truly are. If you're with someone who knows the "real you" they'll probably have helped you get to that point, so it won't be a problem.

I don't really agree. I don't think there is a "real" you in any case, our personalities are fluid, that 25 year old party girl is no more or less real than the 45 year old yummy mummy or the 65 year old cantankerous cat lady. The real you is just you at any particular point in time.

We change all the time, as we grow and learn or as circumstance dictates. Life experiences, both good and bad alter us in ways that are completely unpredictable, even by ourselves. You may think you know how you'd react to a tragedy or a lottery win for example, but you don't, not until it actually happens. Shít happens and it changes us in ways we can neither foresee nor control. People change enormously, beyond all recognition in some cases.

Bambi985

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't really agree. I don't think there is a "real" you in any case, our personalities are fluid, that 25 year old party girl is no more or less real than the 45 year old yummy mummy or the 65 year old cantankerous cat lady. The real you is just you at any particular point in time.

Agreed. 18 year old me was a damn sight different than 30 year old me. Most of the friends I had then I'd have sweet F in common with nowadays, let alone the guys I dated back then.

Some couples change and grow together, but IME it's a lot more common that the couples that meet that early in life grow apart and break up once they hit their mid - late 20s and priorities/personalities have changed.

Widdershins

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't really agree. I don't think there is a "real" you in any case, our personalities are fluid, that 25 year old party girl is no more or less real than the 45 year old yummy mummy or the 65 year old cantankerous cat lady. The real you is just you at any particular point in time.

Those are natural progressions which most people will make, not aspects of their personalities...

sbsquarepants

Widdershins wrote: »

Those are natural progressions which most people will make, not aspects of their personalities...

True, to an extent. We all age at more or less the same rate, but we grow up at wildly different speeds. Mentally some of us are old at 30, some are young at 60.

Bambi985 wrote: »

Agreed. 18 year old me was a damn sight different than 30 year old me. Most of the friends I had then I'd have sweet F in common with nowadays, let alone the guys I dated back then.

Some couples change and grow together, but IME it's a lot more common that the couples that meet that early in life grow apart and break up once they hit their mid - late 20s and priorities/personalities have changed.

42 year old me, wouldn't even talk to 22 year old me, never mind be mates with him:D