Am I in the minority?

Go Tobban

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

endacl

Like so much else in life, its best not to overthink it...

Samuri Suicide

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

Read the "do you fancy your other half" thread just below this, answers a lot of your questions.

My 2c, you're young and there's a lot of people you are yet to meet and things you will do. Don't stress, your friends who are unhappy are just following the age old Irish protocol... Education/work/partner/mortgage/marriage/kids/regret.. In no particular order.
Don't rush just do what feels right.

Arghus

Give it time. Stay nice. Don't become bitter.

Kermit.de.frog

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

dd972

It's a bit of a weird one that there's societal pressure to meet some stranger between 18 and 35 and form a stronger bond with them than the one you have with your closest family and friends, and if you can't pull this off then there's 'something wrong with you', etc, etc.

Lest we forget with the people who've done this, it's all down to their own supreme mastery of the fates, luck had nothing to do with it.

Go Tobban

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Well good for you.Quite the player

Getting laid has never been a problem for me. It's the commitment afterwards that's the issue..and all the complexities that comes with it

gifted

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

One day hopefully you will find that person.

Go Tobban

Go Tobban wrote: »

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

In a relationship for 25 years, since I was 17. I knew she was, not so much the right one, but the only one, before we started going out. I dunno how I would have fared if I had not met her, but I am certain it would have been a lot less colourful, a lot worse. The lesson is when you meet that person, no matter what age, keep her, do whatever it takes, even if you have to hurl a lot of mixtapes with dirge like Peter Cetera into the effort.

suicide_circus

There is no such thing as the only one.

suicide_circus

suicide_circus wrote: »

There is no such thing as the only one.

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

Shenshen

Go Tobban wrote: »

Well good for you.Quite the player

Getting laid has never been a problem for me. It's the commitment afterwards that's the issue..and all the complexities that comes with it

The question that you seem to avoid asking yourself is "What do you want?"

Relationships - long or short - don't just happen. They happen because two people want them. So in order for you to have a good, enjoyable long-term relationship, the first step is to want to have one. Yes, there is a certain level of commitment involved. And yes, as it involves another person, it's highly likely that it will get complex at several stages along the way.

So you will need to be prepared to put some effort into it, and you will have to allow it to change you as it will also change your partner.
The person you need to look for is the one where you think he/she will be worth the effort. I honestly don't believe that there is just one perfect person out there - among 7.6 billion of us. I think there are lots of potentials, the trick to the relationship is not to have the perfect match going into it, but having the guts and stamina to keep making it work and through that becoming perfect for each other.

suicide_circus

Deleted User wrote: »

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

That's nice. Had you not met her you would have been miserable forever.

me_right_one

OP, you're definitely not in the minority. As you said yourself, of all the people you know, only 2 couples are happy. Think about that - out of the tens of thousands of people whose paths have crossed with yours, only 4 have become the stereotypical "Kylie and Jason" type couple. So no way are you in the minority. And if thats what you're looking for, you have to find someone who's looking for the same. Fairytale relationships like that are rare.

Winterlong

I was mostly single until my 30s. It does prey on the mind a bit but dont worry OP. It will happen for you.

Mister Vain

It will get you down if you let it. Sometimes the more you pursue it the more depressing it gets. I've found as I got older I stopped giving a damn what people think about me. You should try and enjoy life as much as you can regardless of your relationship status.

indioblack

Arghus wrote: »

Give it time. Stay nice. Don't become bitter.

Excellent advice.
[Wish I'd followed it when I was that age].

RobertKK

It doesn't matter if one is single, in a relationship, married or whatever else.
This is not what life is about, some people feel one must be in a relationship. I mean I am single, but I have relations who say 'we have to find you a woman'. I say nothing, just give a smile. It doesn't consider I might actually be happy, I don't want a relationship and I am very happy with my life the way it is.
I am much older than you OP, but it is not something I would worry about, to me life is not about that, life is about finding happiness, and that doesn't necessarily mean one needs to find someone for that.

Galwayguy35

Being single and over 40 makes it a lot more difficult to meet someone, especially if you want to meet someone who doesn't have kids.

Jack the Stripper

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

I didn't realise you had so many first cousins.

silverharp

Go Tobban wrote: »

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

not something Ive ever noticed, is sounds like your friends learned their relationship skills from Eastenders or they have low standards.

Mister Vain

RobertKK wrote: »

It doesn't matter if one is single, in a relationship, married or whatever else.
This is not what life is about, some people feel one must be in a relationship. I mean I am single, but I have relations who say 'we have to find you a woman'. I say nothing, just give a smile. It doesn't consider I might actually be happy, I don't want a relationship and I am very happy with my life the way it is.
I am much older than you OP, but it is not something I would worry about, to me life is not about that, life is about finding happiness, and that doesn't necessarily mean one needs to find someone for that.

That gets really annoying after a while. Funnily enough I used to get that a lot in my 20's but I hardly ever hear it now. My old job was terrible for it. People always trying to set me up with girls I wasn't interested in.

SCOOP 64

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Do you have a best friend because i will make a good one.

OneOfThem Stumbled

be patient! 'Cause just maybe,
your special one will come!
He's made for her, and she's made for him!
That's the way its always been!
And it's perfect! And it's pure!
And it's protected with a ring!
That's the way that all love goes.
Like a flower it grows and grows
And it's forever and forever!

To answer the OP I think there's preconceived ideas about what is normal or what would make you in the minority... it doesn't necessarily make it so. Things aren't as neat and squared off as people often like to make out. Some people find their soul mate before they are even out of school, but many more people settle. Divorce rates are high, people fall in and out of love. It's a complicated world, yo.

xzanti

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.


In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error?

Absolutely. There is nothing more soul destroying in life than to find yourself married with kids and unhappy because you 'settled'.

I'm not talking about dating and casual relationships. I'm talking about meeting someone because you're lonely, getting married because all your friends are doing it, thinking love will blossom and kids will bring you closer together. It's a massive mistake.

Even if it takes until you're in your 40's, WAIT!!

Not everyone will agree, but that's my opinion. I've seen it happen to a lot of people.

JackTaylorFan

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

I don't really subacribe to the whole "trial and error" mentality at all. If that's your mindset going into a relatonship it seems you're setting yourself up for failure before you'e even begun. Sure, you should learn to compronise in any relationship - but if you understand yourself and what makes you tick - you should really have a fair idea of what you want in a partner before beginning and therefore less chance you'll need to make compromises on the big issues later on.

Again, going into a relationship with the setting of "Okay, I'm gonna learn some lessons for the next guy or girl that comes along" is really kinda counter-productive.

Amy33

Winterlong wrote: »

I was mostly single until my 30s. It does prey on the mind a bit but dont worry OP. It will happen for you.

Not necessarily, a lot of people don't meet someone.

pumpkin4life

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Picture of Kermit after the divorce.

jamesbere

suicide_circus wrote: »

There is no such thing as the only one.

You've obviously never watched highlander

One_Of_Shanks

Well its not a race. So why are you worried?

The cool thing about falling in love is that it happens organically.
The more you try to force it the more stupid pointless relationships you'll have.
And they're likely to get in the way of a proper one if anything.

Just be yourself, and it will happen when it happens.

Don't jump into a relationship just coz of yer age. You'll miss out on so much if you do.
What you should be aiming for is something that knocks you off yer socks.
And it only has to happen once.
Til then, dont worry about it. Live life and let it happen naturally.

Widdershins

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!

Mister Vain

Don't do what I did in my late 20's and start panicking because you're getting close to 30 and you haven't been serious about anyone. I was trying everything from day game approaching to nude yoga classes, thinking it would get me somewhere. Don't force it. Let it happen organically.

Widdershins

Widdershins wrote: »

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!

Who? Her? It all ended 30 minutes ago, when I first read of...

Mister Vain wrote: »

nude yoga classes

J Mysterio

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Haahhahaha

CelticRambler

Go Tobban wrote: »

Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

...

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

Wait until you know for sure.

And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.

I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.

Galwayguy35 wrote:

Being single and over 40 makes it a lot more difficult to meet someone ...

This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem. And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: )

Widdershins

CelticRambler wrote: »

Wait until you know for sure.

And definitely don't give in to trial-and-error, family pressure or any Grand Plan.

I got lucky and met The One when I was 28, a mutual friend of someone who was "good enough" but with whom it would never have worked out. That said, after ten years The One decided she needed time alone to "get her head together" and never came back. At least not as Mrs. Right. In fact, she did everything possible to be Mrs. Wrong-and-by-God-I'll-make-you-realise-it ... but fortunately I had Arghus' attitude and kept my episodes of bitterness between me and the brambles. It's twelve years since she walked out, but only last month that the very last of our marital ties has been formally severed (other than the children :pac: ). Even so, I would still say the relationship "succeeded" because if I'm in the vicinity, I can ring her up and ask her out for coffee/dinner, and she knows she can come back to the family home for a break from the stress of her new life if she needs to.


This is the worst of it. Because I know what it's like to have had that kind of "for better and for worse" relationship, it's hard to settle for being single and over 40, but finding The One 2.0 is really hard. I wouldn't be bothered about whether or not a woman has children, but the really nice ones usually have a man aswell, and that is a problem. And if you try to force it with someone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time ... mehhhh. Like Mister Vain says, it's got to be organic (not that that's any help when you really fancy one particular girl who you share a social circle with, and the more you chat to her, the more attractive she becomes and you can't help thinking she's wasted on that fella she's with ... :mad::o:cool: )

Ah sorry to hear that.

Sometimes people kind of expect to only fall in love with a completely perfect person, or think that the fact that you love them will mean they'll be perfect and it'll always be easy. Sadly untrue, we are all human and imperfect.

Wanderer2010

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

Colser

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

I answered someone along the lines of "What's it to you?" and he started laughing and said he hates to see anyone happy...he's married to my friend.ðŸ˜

Mr.Plough

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

If its someone you don't know that well, fair enough.

If they're you're friends/family, they could easily just be winding you up though. I'd probably ask you myself for the craic if I was guaranteed a reaction like that.

Widdershins

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What I find stranger is this stigma or concept of having to pair people off, especially as they get older. What exactly is wrong with being single? I am single years and I love it. I have freedom and choice to do as I wish without having to think of another person. If I meet someone so be it but I'm not out there dying to meet my precious other half.
Its other people who seem to have the issue - at first I was way too quiet when people said "Oh youre getting old now, when is the big day out" or "Ah youre a lost cause, how come youre not with someone". Now I just say in a really loud tone to completely humiliate them "Jesus theres a personal question asking me about my private life like that, why don't you mind your own fcuking business?". It usually leaves people open mouth with shock but it does the trick.
Id love for someone to tell me why it bothers others more when a person is single? Anyone?

Nosiness.

Bambi985

Deleted User wrote: »

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser. Not necessarily any less happy than you are now. Just coupled up/married to someone else and probably bleating on about how fabulous they are too coz you're obviously a die-hard romantic

OP I was like you, single single single until I was almost 30, met all kinds of fellas before that but none who stuck. It just didn't work out, until I met someone and it did. Love came knocking and it wasn't what I expected it to look like. Truly thought I was a write-off destined to spend the next ten years going to weddings without any plus one. Until suddenly a work friendship became a drunken night out became a hook-up became a guy that texted me every day and started making plans with me became a guy that bought me flowers and made me laugh until my belly ached while simultaneously driving me five shades of mad with his controversial opinions but someone who called me first thing in the morning and last thing at night regardless of how much we annoyed each other.

He didn't tick all of the boxes either, the way you're taught they always will. We're quite different but keep each other on our toes, maybe that's why it works. So just relax and enjoy being young and all that comes with that, and don't write anyone off without a very good reason. You never know what's around the corner.

Bambi985

Bambi985 wrote: »

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser...

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

Bambi985

Deleted User wrote: »

Bambi985 wrote: »

The thing is though, if you hadn't met her you'd be none the wiser...

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

Ah yeah and same here. Lots of great guys, just not anyone who was HIM, if that makes sense. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but we're right for each other in a way I'd never experienced before.

Doesn't stop me from seeing the situation for what it is though. Two old souls whose worlds collided due to circumstances and probably some kind of Sliding Doors scenario where if he hadn't come to the pub that night... if I hadn't caught him on his lunch break that time and asked for his help on a work assignment etc etc Could've been different. Not better, not worse, different. Different guy, different relationship, or maybe another ten years of dating eejits. Who knows :-)

Dr Crayfish

Widdershins wrote: »

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

Widdershins

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

I don't want to add to that feeling so I'll try to say nothing vom-inducing..it just makes me feel peaceful to think that even if MY relationship doesn't, at least some peoples will be intact (I think theirs will, from what he's said here). I can think of hardly any couple I know of, who have gone the distance. A lot of them are only together out of convenience, panic because they want six children before they're in their mid thirties, afraid others will think they're gay (seriously!), using each other for money etc. That's what makes my insides curdle. The sheer f*****g bleakness of that!

Dr Crayfish

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm honestly considering blocking him because the wifey posts make me barf

Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.

Yourself isit

[Deleted User] wrote: »

But I've met loads of other people! I have very close female friends, some of them very kind, some very attractive, some very funny, some very serious...and I had a couple of gfs before her (though obviously back in the teenage years). And I have wondered what if things had ended up differently. And I shudder.

You have no idea how your life would have gone.

Had she say refused you when you were 17 you would now be looking back at that as a slightly embarrassing teenage crush.

adox

I think it's naive to think there's only "one" person for you on this planet, "the one"

Widdershins

adox wrote: »

I think it's naive to think there's only "one" person for you on this planet, "the one"

How many sounds right?

Yourself isit

Yourself isit wrote: »

You have no idea how your life would have gone.

I have every idea, because since I met her I have met thousands of people. It's not like being married traps you in some bubble where you are immune to attractive qualities in others, looks, personality, humour etc. You can still compare them to your wife and think...naaaaah. I'm very close with some women who are, by any standards, very attractive, great fun, wonderfully warm and again I sometimes think what if things had ended up differently...and I know for one reason or another, they just don't compare.

Esel

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh block away, I won't take umbrage! And I'm old enough to know that you never know what life will throw up. I've acted for people married for well over 25 years who've broken up, so I don't live in some world where I think everything stays the same forever. But I know if anything happened to her, I'd never marry again because I'd be constantly comparing another partner to her. Even if by some chance another partner was attractive, kind, funny, intelligent...they wouldn't have shared the same experiences as we have, they were not the girl I saw when I was 12 and thought "wow" and spent 5 years hoping for, the person who has made the biggest impact on my life.

I will take all you posts on this matter under advisement, pending receipt of your wife's affidavit.