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Am I in the minority?

Go Tobban

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

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endacl

Like so much else in life, its best not to overthink it...

Samuri Suicide

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

Read the "do you fancy your other half" thread just below this, answers a lot of your questions.

My 2c, you're young and there's a lot of people you are yet to meet and things you will do. Don't stress, your friends who are unhappy are just following the age old Irish protocol... Education/work/partner/mortgage/marriage/kids/regret.. In no particular order.
Don't rush just do what feels right.

Arghus

Give it time. Stay nice. Don't become bitter.

Kermit.de.frog

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

dd972

It's a bit of a weird one that there's societal pressure to meet some stranger between 18 and 35 and form a stronger bond with them than the one you have with your closest family and friends, and if you can't pull this off then there's 'something wrong with you', etc, etc.

Lest we forget with the people who've done this, it's all down to their own supreme mastery of the fates, luck had nothing to do with it.

Go Tobban

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Well good for you.Quite the player

Getting laid has never been a problem for me. It's the commitment afterwards that's the issue..and all the complexities that comes with it

gifted

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

One day hopefully you will find that person.

[Deleted User]

Go Tobban wrote: »

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

In a relationship for 25 years, since I was 17. I knew she was, not so much the right one, but the only one, before we started going out. I dunno how I would have fared if I had not met her, but I am certain it would have been a lot less colourful, a lot worse. The lesson is when you meet that person, no matter what age, keep her, do whatever it takes, even if you have to hurl a lot of mixtapes with dirge like Peter Cetera into the effort.

suicide_circus

There is no such thing as the only one.

[Deleted User]

suicide_circus wrote: »

There is no such thing as the only one.

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

Shenshen

Go Tobban wrote: »

Well good for you.Quite the player

Getting laid has never been a problem for me. It's the commitment afterwards that's the issue..and all the complexities that comes with it

The question that you seem to avoid asking yourself is "What do you want?"

Relationships - long or short - don't just happen. They happen because two people want them. So in order for you to have a good, enjoyable long-term relationship, the first step is to want to have one. Yes, there is a certain level of commitment involved. And yes, as it involves another person, it's highly likely that it will get complex at several stages along the way.

So you will need to be prepared to put some effort into it, and you will have to allow it to change you as it will also change your partner.
The person you need to look for is the one where you think he/she will be worth the effort. I honestly don't believe that there is just one perfect person out there - among 7.6 billion of us. I think there are lots of potentials, the trick to the relationship is not to have the perfect match going into it, but having the guts and stamina to keep making it work and through that becoming perfect for each other.

suicide_circus

Deleted User wrote: »

In terms of making me as happy as she has?

Yes, yes there was only one. I've met women as beautiful (few), as intelligent (few), as funny (few), as kind (few) etc. etc. But none that came close to having all those qualities like she does. And the more I meet, the more I appreciate how lucky I was.

That's nice. Had you not met her you would have been miserable forever.

me_right_one

OP, you're definitely not in the minority. As you said yourself, of all the people you know, only 2 couples are happy. Think about that - out of the tens of thousands of people whose paths have crossed with yours, only 4 have become the stereotypical "Kylie and Jason" type couple. So no way are you in the minority. And if thats what you're looking for, you have to find someone who's looking for the same. Fairytale relationships like that are rare.

Winterlong

I was mostly single until my 30s. It does prey on the mind a bit but dont worry OP. It will happen for you.

Mister Vain

It will get you down if you let it. Sometimes the more you pursue it the more depressing it gets. I've found as I got older I stopped giving a damn what people think about me. You should try and enjoy life as much as you can regardless of your relationship status.

indioblack

Arghus wrote: »

Give it time. Stay nice. Don't become bitter.

Excellent advice.
[Wish I'd followed it when I was that age].

RobertKK

It doesn't matter if one is single, in a relationship, married or whatever else.
This is not what life is about, some people feel one must be in a relationship. I mean I am single, but I have relations who say 'we have to find you a woman'. I say nothing, just give a smile. It doesn't consider I might actually be happy, I don't want a relationship and I am very happy with my life the way it is.
I am much older than you OP, but it is not something I would worry about, to me life is not about that, life is about finding happiness, and that doesn't necessarily mean one needs to find someone for that.

Galwayguy35

Being single and over 40 makes it a lot more difficult to meet someone, especially if you want to meet someone who doesn't have kids.

Jack the Stripper

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

I didn't realise you had so many first cousins.

silverharp

Go Tobban wrote: »

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

not something Ive ever noticed, is sounds like your friends learned their relationship skills from Eastenders or they have low standards.

Mister Vain

RobertKK wrote: »

It doesn't matter if one is single, in a relationship, married or whatever else.
This is not what life is about, some people feel one must be in a relationship. I mean I am single, but I have relations who say 'we have to find you a woman'. I say nothing, just give a smile. It doesn't consider I might actually be happy, I don't want a relationship and I am very happy with my life the way it is.
I am much older than you OP, but it is not something I would worry about, to me life is not about that, life is about finding happiness, and that doesn't necessarily mean one needs to find someone for that.

That gets really annoying after a while. Funnily enough I used to get that a lot in my 20's but I hardly ever hear it now. My old job was terrible for it. People always trying to set me up with girls I wasn't interested in.

SCOOP 64

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Do you have a best friend because i will make a good one.

OneOfThem Stumbled

be patient! 'Cause just maybe,
your special one will come!
He's made for her, and she's made for him!
That's the way its always been!
And it's perfect! And it's pure!
And it's protected with a ring!
That's the way that all love goes.
Like a flower it grows and grows
And it's forever and forever!

To answer the OP I think there's preconceived ideas about what is normal or what would make you in the minority... it doesn't necessarily make it so. Things aren't as neat and squared off as people often like to make out. Some people find their soul mate before they are even out of school, but many more people settle. Divorce rates are high, people fall in and out of love. It's a complicated world, yo.

xzanti

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error?

Absolutely. There is nothing more soul destroying in life than to find yourself married with kids and unhappy because you 'settled'.

I'm not talking about dating and casual relationships. I'm talking about meeting someone because you're lonely, getting married because all your friends are doing it, thinking love will blossom and kids will bring you closer together. It's a massive mistake.

Even if it takes until you're in your 40's, WAIT!!

Not everyone will agree, but that's my opinion. I've seen it happen to a lot of people.

JackTaylorFan

Go Tobban wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm currently 26 and have yet to have a proper meaningful relationship.

Yeah I've had interests and weekend relationships that have lasted for a few months but I have never allowed myself to properly fall in love. Maybe its my own insecurities but the more I look around, I see unhappy people in their 40's and 50's who probably should have never gotten married in the first place and that puts me off the idea of monogamy

In my group of friends, there are only 2 real couples who I'd consider to be happy, the rest seem miserable all the time, arguing etc

In your opinion, are you better off waiting until you know for sure you've found the right one or is it a case of trial and error? Particularly interested in the opinion of people who've been in long term relationships that have either failed/succeeded and the lessons they've learned along the way

I don't really subacribe to the whole "trial and error" mentality at all. If that's your mindset going into a relatonship it seems you're setting yourself up for failure before you'e even begun. Sure, you should learn to compronise in any relationship - but if you understand yourself and what makes you tick - you should really have a fair idea of what you want in a partner before beginning and therefore less chance you'll need to make compromises on the big issues later on.

Again, going into a relationship with the setting of "Okay, I'm gonna learn some lessons for the next guy or girl that comes along" is really kinda counter-productive.

Amy33

Winterlong wrote: »

I was mostly single until my 30s. It does prey on the mind a bit but dont worry OP. It will happen for you.

Not necessarily, a lot of people don't meet someone.

pumpkin4life

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

You have not been laid OP - is that the problem? I get sex at least 5 times a week on average. Different women granted but it puts off the day of ultimate commitment that will turn your life in to a prison.

Picture of Kermit after the divorce.

9066191.jpg?379

jamesbere

suicide_circus wrote: »

There is no such thing as the only one.

You've obviously never watched highlander

One_Of_Shanks

Well its not a race. So why are you worried?

The cool thing about falling in love is that it happens organically.
The more you try to force it the more stupid pointless relationships you'll have.
And they're likely to get in the way of a proper one if anything.

Just be yourself, and it will happen when it happens.

Don't jump into a relationship just coz of yer age. You'll miss out on so much if you do.
What you should be aiming for is something that knocks you off yer socks.
And it only has to happen once.
Til then, dont worry about it. Live life and let it happen naturally.

Widdershins

If Conor 74's relationship ever runs into trouble it's going to really depress me. Just lie to us if that ever happens!