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Embarrassing problem at work after a drunk night out

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,154 ✭✭✭Dolbert


    Tell her that you have been on to your solicitor and that she can expect a letter if the video is not removed immediately. If she refuses, contact a solicitor for real, but usually the mention of it is enough for these people.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,071 ✭✭✭Rosie Rant


    She takes this video instead of looking after you like she was supposed to, posts it online and lets her friends post comments like "she is the definition of drunk" - well SHE is the definition of c*nt!

    Like others have said, OP, report it on Facebook and review your privacy settings. I've reported a couple of things and it took a day or two. Unfortunately, you have to work with this child so you might have to at least be civil with her but definitely don't share a taxi with her again. Also, make sure she deletes it from her phone. Actually sit and watch her do it because she could easily put it on another site.


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    Rosie Rant wrote: »
    She takes this video instead of looking after you like she was supposed to, posts it online and lets her friends post comments like "she is the definition of drunk" - well SHE is the definition of c*nt!

    Like others have said, OP, report it on Facebook and review your privacy settings. I've reported a couple of things and it took a day or two. Unfortunately, you have to work with this child so you might have to at least be civil with her but definitely don't share a taxi with her again. Also, make sure she deletes it from her phone. Actually sit and watch her do it because she could easily put it on another site.

    She is still on annual leave until Thursday I have tried ringing her numerous times but her phone is off I've also tried viber and Fb but she hasn't been online at all! her sister messaged me saying she will try get in touch with her tonight.

    I was thinking of fb messaging some of the women who have commented about me on the video and ask them to remove the comments and report the video in the hope it will be removed quicker but I'm worried how these women will react because I don't know them!

    I have updated my privacy settings and also checked the video again and found out that the video is not "public" but is viewable to her entire friends list so potentially over 300 people have seen me in that state.

    My hope is that the video is removed today and then it will give me the chance to calm down a bit and really give me a chance to think about what I will say when I confront her on Thursday. I don't feel upset I just feel complete anger at the moment.


  • Posts: 1,007 [Deleted User]


    Niamhy_Li wrote: »
    she has never once come across as a malicious person she is however very ditzy when it comes doing things but it is beyond me how a 32 year old woman cannot see anything wrong with this situation

    You're not getting through to her how wrong this is and how upset you are about it. Let her know you've reported her to FB, not just the post (she'll shít a brick at the though of losing her social media mainline) and that you are going to HR about harassment as well ... whether you intend to or not.

    Personally I agree with everyone that she sounds like a total wagon but if you think there's no malice involved, scaring the bejesus out of her is the way to go.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    OP, if you can't sort this out quickly directly with her, I really have to urge you to reconsider your reluctance to go to HR. If you really can't go through with this, then threaten (or really go to) a solicitor. The longer this video is online, the more damage is this is doing to you. You have to act swiftly.

    Yes, you're going to look a bit silly in all likelihood, but she's going to come out of this way worse. Shes immature, a bully and a bit of a moron going by what you've told us so far.

    HR are required to treat bullying situations with the utmost sensitivity. As this originated on what could be classed as a work night out, they'll want to deal with it swiftly. If this goes viral, it could cause a much bigger incident, so you really need to take all steps to get it removed as quickly as possible.

    She deserves to be reprimanded by your employer, as its beyond inappropriate to treat a colleague this way, even if the incident in question happened after hours.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Oh now OP sorry to hear you have to go through something like this..

    Really is baffling how people are so self obsessed that they would think this kinda of a thing is funny...

    What a B***H sorry I know tis a nasty word, but that is honestly such a horrible thing to do.... As you said she could have actually put her phone down and helped you into the house made sure you were ok.. Just goes to show what kind of person she is..

    I hope her sister gets back to you asap, and to be honest OP I would not be worried about going to HR about this.. It is clearly overstepping the mark.. It is fine for her she gets to take the piss out of you and bugger off and holidays, while you have to deal with this... Not a very nice thing to do to someone...

    I get you were drunk and I am sure we have all laughed at friends who get a little too drunk, but you don't do this kind of thing.. I get annoyed when people put pics of me on facebook so I can image how annoying this must be. Unfortunately Facebook is very slow at taking any action. I would keep reporting it and contact them saying you want it removed now....

    And OP sod it do not let this get to you. Just wipe the slate clear, while people might make comments they have more than likely been there a few times themselves. People forget easily so don't worry and just try to say look feck it tis done I can not change it.. Don't let it get you down and then go dismantle her chair for when she gets back to work


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,109 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    I'm raging on your behalf OP. We've all had a night where you have a few too many and regret it afterwards but she was very immature to film you in the first place, nevermind to upload it to Facebook!
    If you go to HR I'd also mention that you are worried that it could go viral and that since it was a work night out, it might look bad for the company too...and you'd really hate for that to happen.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,328 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    OP make sure to screenshot the image of the video on her fb page, screenshot the awful comments made by her friends, screenshot all the requests you have sent her (and her sister) to remove the video etc. Chances are the video could hopefully be removed by fb by the time she comes back from her annual leave. Then she may breeze in and make it look like you are making a fuss over nothing - which you clearly aren't.


    I really hope you get this sorted OP. Like others have said it's a very immature to thing to do to someone when they are quite drunk.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,992 ✭✭✭skallywag


    OP, it's a very nasty thing which this person has done to you, but that said I would most definitely advise against bringing this to the attention of anyone in HR.

    I've interacted closely with HR and can confidently say that any HR staff that I know myself would run a mile from an incident like this, as it's most definitely an incident which occurred during private time, and is in no way connected to the workplace. Also, the fact that it's a private incident between employees at the end of a heavy night out will only cement their determination to keep well away.

    I hope that you end up resolving this, but involving your workplace is not the way to go in my opinion.


  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I would leave going to HR until after the thing gets taken down, and after she deletes the video from her phone. I wouldn't want a possible revenge attack. I would definitely go after that though, that girl was on a night out with work colleagues and has caused massive distress and bullying because of her actions. I hope you can get across to her just how much damage she's done OP, and then I'd never give her the time of day again.

    I really feel for you, this is an awful, humiliating and nasty episode, and I hope you get it sorted asap.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    I really appreciate all the helpful advice from everyone I honestly didn't know what to do about the whole situation so I set up this thread as a last resort hoping someone had been in a similar situation and could offer some guidance

    Thinking about it again I probably could of lived with the video if I was just stumbling along the path in it the fact that my trousers are down in it has my blood boiling, firstly because I'm angry at myself for getting myself into that state for it to happen then secondly because I'm basically being made a fool out of because she felt the need to record it which can now be viewed by pretty much anyone and there has being nothing done about it whatsoever!!

    As of now the video is still up but her sister has promised me she's going to try her best to get in contact with her when she gets home from work


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Are you actually identifiable in the footage beyond her saying it is you and tagging you?

    Is your face visible?

    If so, I'd be informing her in no uncertain terms that as she is distributing obscene material that you are identifiable in you will have no choice but to contact the Guards and a solicitor about it.

    Do contact them too. What she is doing is a milder version of revenge porn and while there isn't specific legislation I think you will find that the authorities will take a dim view of it. A solicitor will better advise but there is no way she should be allowed to get away with it. I'd go nuclear.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Op is your role in the company very customer oriented? It might be necessary to judge how much damage can company being aware of the video do to your promotion prospects and similar. Think things through, definitely get fb to take it down, go to HR if you think it's beneficial but I would not class it as a work night out. If it's starts circling around at work then you might have to inform HR anyway to prevent them from finding out from somewhere else. I know one of my friends is extremely sensitive about what footage of him ends online precisely because it could damage him (and the company) with the clients.

    If it doesn't get removed quickly you might want to talk to solicitor what your options are. I'm sorry you are in this situation. A lot of us are just lucky there were less phone cameras and social media around when we were younger.


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    OP, 100% go to HR. There is no need for them to view the video and any good HR person will absolutely not even consider viewing the video. It is important IMO, to report the incident.

    My blood is boiling on your behalf, I would be in bits if this was me. I have serious anxiety when photos are being taken of me when sober and dressed to the nines, never mind this! I am so sorry for you that this has happened.
    Anything I've reported on Facebook in the past I've had responses on pretty quickly. Have seen something taken down within a few hours, get a couple of your real friends to report video on your behalf also. The more reports they get the quicker it will move along.

    What a nasty, horrible girl she is.


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    Just an update on the situation the video has been removed so I'm relieved to say the least about that! I didn't receive any notifications from Facebook though is this normal procedure not to receive any notification or does it mean she has removed the video herself?


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Op is your role in the company very customer oriented? It might be necessary to judge how much damage can company being aware of the video do to your promotion prospects and similar. Think things through, definitely get fb to take it down, go to HR if you think it's beneficial but I would not class it as a work night out. If it's starts circling around at work then you might have to inform HR anyway to prevent them from finding out from somewhere else. I know one of my friends is extremely sensitive about what footage of him ends online precisely because it could damage him (and the company) with the clients.

    If it doesn't get removed quickly you might want to talk to solicitor what your options are. I'm sorry you are in this situation. A lot of us are just lucky there were less phone cameras and social media around when we were younger.

    My role with within the company is very much customer orientated dealing with female customers face to face so God forbid one of them seen me in the video I don't want to be looking at every customer walking through the door thinking have they somehow seen the video I'm already paranoid enough as it is!

    I'm clearly identifiable in the video as there's a part in the video were I'm looking at the camera as I'm really stumbling back and forth along the foot path so I couldn't even try to deny that's it me even if I wanted to so I'm left with very little options if someone brings the situation up!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,071 ✭✭✭Rosie Rant


    Check the "other" section of your Facebook inbox OP. The message about it being taken down could be in there. I did get notifications when something I reported was reviewed, though. It's possible your "friend" took the video down herself after her sister called her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,787 ✭✭✭Hooked


    Hi all. Just stumbled across this thread... Sorry OP, no pun intended. I'm a bloke, who's wife has no problem telling so called 'friends' not to photograph her at events, or to ask (politely) for pics of her to be removed online.

    I often wonder what type of 'friend' puts up that pic... You know, the one where you look plastered, camera caught you at the wrong moment... And thinks 'sure she won't mind'. Would you post it if it was YOU? Would you fück!

    And as for a 30 something, work colleague, sharing that video of you. I'm sorry mods, what kind of fûckin imbecile thinks that's ok to do. They should be helping you not fiming you.

    What on earth is the world coming to. Facebook, what's app, snapchat, tinder... Photographing food! Christ!

    I mean I'm a designer, use computers, tablets and phones daily. But... I know when to put the thing down. Beggars belief sometimes. Rant over.

    Well done OP. Fair dues for sticking up for yourself. 'Twas bang out of order!

    Must go on FB now and say goodnight to all my friends with a witty 'meme' or status update.

    As if.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,645 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Yeah Happy Day OP!! Delighted for you...I would think that she took down the video..Experience with Facebook and reporting stuff unless you high up there, they tend to take a long time to do anything...

    I hope this person apologises big time to you, and also understands what a silly thing she done..

    A 32 yer old should know better, but then people have become obsessed with phones/facebook/media.. They get attention from it so it drives the stupidness in them. Only last week someone put a daft post up saying they could not understand why the doctor would not let her use snapchat while getting a procedure done, this is a 37 year old woman with a kid!! Did she really need to ask, or put such a daft thing on facebook.. Its for the reaction, the look at me factor...

    Also, in hopes that this person does come back and apologies to you and is sincere about it. I would explain to her why you were so annoyed and that she did embarrass you but try to not go hell for leather on her, as she may honestly not have know what a daft thing she did... Just once she realises it was a daft thing to do.. And then tell her she owes you lunch for a few weeks... Really delighted now that it was taken down and you do not have to worry about it anymore


  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Niamhy_Li wrote: »
    Just an update on the situation the video has been removed so I'm relieved to say the least about that! I didn't receive any notifications from Facebook though is this normal procedure not to receive any notification or does it mean she has removed the video herself?

    Don't forget to make sure the video is deleted from her phone, stand over her while she does that. Until that's gone you're not completely out of the woods yet.

    I'm delighted for you that the video was taken down, you must be very relieved. :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Id still send her a solicitors letter insisting proof is given that the video is deleted from her phone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    As mentioned already in this thread could her uploading the video be considered a case of "Revenge Porn"? I'd rather not go down the route of HR and solicitors but I would like to give her the impression that i'm considering legal action against her in the hope that it would scare her enough to completely remove all traces of the video so it will never appear ever again.

    Although I'm relieved that the video has been removed is their a possibility that some of her friends may have shared this video privately in viber and whats app groups etc and still have access to it?

    I really want to put this whole thing to bed and don't want to wake up one morning and find out it's back again.

    Even now I'm still so confused and can't get over how this whole situation happened! I basically just went out for drinks and got way too drunk but that should have been the end of it!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,992 ✭✭✭skallywag


    I can't see how it could really fall under revenge porn, assuming you have not been involved with her, or there is some underlying reason that she would be seeking to get back at you about something.

    Even though the video is down, and even if she deletes it off her phone, there is still nothing to prevent her from having put it somewhere else, e.g. onto her laptop, etc.

    Best to have a face to face with her to leave her in no doubt concerning how serious you are taking it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,994 Mod ✭✭✭✭sullivlo


    Niamhy_Li wrote: »
    As mentioned already in this thread could her uploading the video be considered a case of "Revenge Porn"? I'd rather not go down the route of HR and solicitors but I would like to give her the impression that i'm considering legal action against her in the hope that it would scare her enough to completely remove all traces of the video so it will never appear ever again.

    Although I'm relieved that the video has been removed is their a possibility that some of her friends may have shared this video privately in viber and whats app groups etc and still have access to it?

    I really want to put this whole thing to bed and don't want to wake up one morning and find out it's back again.

    Even now I'm still so confused and can't get over how this whole situation happened! I basically just went out for drinks and got way too drunk but that should have been the end of it!

    I don't mean to sound callous or heartless, but what are you hoping to achieve? The best course of action has been spelt out to you many times by many people - speak to HR. Yes, it will be an awkward conversation, but likely the best way to shut it down completely. You could also have a conversation with your colleague and explain your concerns and ask her to delete it. Sometimes we get places with people by simply explaining that their actions were out of line - some people unfortunately need that spelt out for them.

    The best way to give the impression that you're considering legal action against her is to talk to a solicitor about what legal action you could take - they're far more up-to-date (& more importantly, more qualified) than a bunch of randomers on boards.

    As for whether it would be considered revenge porn... IMO you're clutching at straws here. I don't think it could be classified as porn (unless there's some new genre I'm missing out on?). Also, there's nothing to say that it's revenge either.

    Again though, a solicitor would be in a better position to advise. Do we even have laws about revenge porn in Ireland?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    It is like a mild version of revenge porn. Video of the OP with her private parts exposed was uploaded without her consent.

    We don't have laws on revenge porn but we do have laws on online harassment and cyber bullying.

    But a good solicitor is your only man.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I don't know maybe I am too cynical but is informing the employer in the world where companies look up potential employee facebook pages really such a great idea? Especially if the job is customer oriented. I would rather talk to solicitor first.


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I don't know maybe I am too cynical but is informing the employer in the world where companies look up potential employee facebook pages really such a great idea? Especially if the job is customer oriented. I would rather talk to solicitor first.

    Thank you meeeeh this is the exact reason I've been reluctant to go to HR about this yet and the fact that it happened well outside office hours and there was a lot of drink involved.

    I haven't thought about going to solicitor as of yet simply because I haven't been given the opportunity to speak to her face to face yet, however when I do get the chance and I think for one second she is trying to fob me off and there was malicious intent involved I will be left with no other option.

    Perhaps it was silly off me to ask the question asking if it could be considered "revenge porn" It would be the equivalent of accusing me off indecent exposure as I didn't purposely pull down my trousers they simply fell down and the fact that I was stumbling around that much that I didn't (couldn't) pull them back up until I got into my house. This to me suggests malicious behaviour I'd never let one of my friends stumble around like that especially if she was a over a minutes walk from her house!!!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,994 Mod ✭✭✭✭sullivlo


    Niamhy_Li wrote: »
    Thank you meeeeh this is the exact reason I've been reluctant to go to HR about this yet and the fact that it happened well outside office hours and there was a lot of drink involved.

    I haven't thought about going to solicitor as of yet simply because I haven't been given the opportunity to speak to her face to face yet, however when I do get the chance and I think for one second she is trying to fob me off and there was malicious intent involved I will be left with no other option.

    Perhaps it was silly off me to ask the question asking if it could be considered "revenge porn" It would be the equivalent of accusing me off indecent exposure as I didn't purposely pull down my trousers they simply fell down and the fact that I was stumbling around that much that I didn't (couldn't) pull them back up until I got into my house. This to me suggests malicious behaviour I'd never let one of my friends stumble around like that especially if she was a over a minutes walk from her house!!!!

    I think if I was in your position I would approach her calmly and rationally and ascertain her motives. And see what her recourse is.

    If you deem her to have acted maliciously, contact someone higher - be it HR or a solicitor. I understand your apprehension to contact HR, but in the age of employers looking up employees in Facebook, what if there was a screw up and it ended up being seen? Your job and reputation could be on the line. HR act in a confidential manner. Even flag it with them - say there was an incident after work hours that reflects badly on you and you'd like it noted that it had nothing to do with you - get your side of the story out there.

    But if you're not comfortable going to HR, I totally understand that too.

    If her actions were just because she's a silly idiot with the mental age of a 4 year old who laughs at farts, I'd chalk it down to experience and avoid her in future social situations. At the end of the day they're your colleagues, not your friends. Maintain the professional relationship, be civil, but don't go on the lash with her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 454 ✭✭liquoriceall


    I have a friend who would post awful photos of us on nights out without our permission despite the fact that most of us aren't even on fb.....our solution in the end was to get a truely horrific video of her one night and hold it as a threat! She never posted pics again and I think she needed the tables turned to realise the impact of it; some people are just self indulgent


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  • Registered Users Posts: 41 Niamhy_Li


    I have a friend who would post awful photos of us on nights out without our permission despite the fact that most of us aren't even on fb.....our solution in the end was to get a truely horrific video of her one night and hold it as a threat! She never posted pics again and I think she needed the tables turned to realise the impact of it; some people are just self indulgent

    I don't understand this whole attitude towards social media these days I've seen pictures of girls posing sitting on the toilet on nights out in pubs and nightclubs why on earth would somebody want to see that, why do people feel like they have to share things like that just for a few likes honestly what is the point!!

    I'm in a position now where I have to be very wary of people when I go out for a few drinks because of what happened and maybe that's not a bad thing but on the other hand I should be able to just relax and enjoy the night without worrying about someone taking a picture or video of me when I'm drunk.

    I also worked with a few foreign nationals and the y sometimes joked about our drinking habits and how much we drink, uploading stuff like that really isn't doing us any favours!!


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