How do men feel when women cry?

Frowzy

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

Riamfada

I get sympathetic when she cries because shes hurt. I get angry and frustrated when she cries of something stupid & irrelevant in an argument.

Tefral

Depends what your crying at. If its something that I feel is genuinely sad then I dunno what to do. I generally give that person a hug. My wife has started crying at stuff like animal welfare videos or something and I think thats stupid so I react like your friends husband and your own. Generally tut and roll my eyes.

The most awkward one is where a work colleague starts bawling... you cant give em a hug and you cant give out so i tend to just ignore it or fake a concerned face.

Overall if I judge a female to be crying at something I feel is stupid i think "oh god what is she whinging at now." if its something i deem to be sad or worthwhile crying over ill do my upmost to make you feel happy and fix whatever it is to make you sad.

Whispered

Riamfada wrote: »

I get sympathetic when she cries because shes hurt. I get angry and frustrated when she cries of something stupid & irrelevant in an argument.

But what's irrelevant to you might not be irrelevant to her.

I'd imagine it depends on the man. My husband either gets huffy or else acts like it's not happening. Whatever the reason. I'd get it if I was whinging at him but I don't.

donegaLroad

it depends what they are crying about.

If it's over a One Direction ticket, then I have zero sympathy.

Darkglasses

Depends on the man.

Virgil°

It can often be frustrating when the gf cries because theres not much I can do about it except be physically present most times. I wouldnt in a million years show this frustration though.

if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated

her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument

Pair of real catches there.

Your Face

Suspicious

Ave Sodalis

I would understand it if she started crying because her nail broke or her eyeliner wasn't perfect, but do ye really get angry at a woman crying?

I'm not sure if that's more damaging to women's mental health or to men's.

Zombienosh

I have no idea what to do when someone cries in front of me, Genuinely...I feel completely awkward and try to run away.

phill106

If she cries because she is wrong or losing an argument/discussion it is cheating....

Frowzy

Frowzy wrote: »

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

We can cry without being made feel guilty about it. I have yet to experience a man tutting or being frustrated with me because I'm crying. In fact I wouldn't want that level of disdain for what I might be feeling. You see every person is different. This is not something which is particular to men. Some people will react badly in the face of another person's tears.

They don't know what to do, they struggle with displays of emotion, it triggers something in themselves. Some women don't know how to handle other people's tears, some men don't know how to handle other people's tears.

Frowzy

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

He gets angry cos she cries about a friend who died by suicide?

Christ he sounds like an asshole!

Terrontress

It's a tool in the woman's arsenal when they run out of logic or reason. You can't argue with tears, even though what she has said until that point has been complete nonsense. To push it beyond makes you the bad guy so most guys back off at that point.

valoren

My oh would cry at something like 'Long Lost relatives' or something intentionally weep-baiting like that.
I find it endearing. If she lost a friend to suicide then that's a different matter.

The friend committed suicide and she has been crying to express her grief.
The husband sounds like a self absorbed dickhead tbh.

The flying mouse

Well knowing my partner if i seen her crying i would know there is something wrong,so i would be alarmed,She has cried at a few (imo) stupid things on tv etc but we/i just laugh through them.

Frowzy

Virgil° wrote: »

Pair of real catches there.

Ok I do make them sound bad! They're not I don't know about her husband but when I talk to mine he just says don't cry! He says it unnerves him!
I wonder if he thinks it's his fault! I know he cares

Ave Sodalis

Frowzy wrote:

Ok I do make them sound bad! They're not

He gets angry at her and causes arguments for grieving... I'm not sure how any decent person could even consider doing that, awkward around tears or not...

Wibbs

For grief and the like, of course I'm supportive, hell getting bubbly over a film or whatever no biggie either, but if I catch a whiff of manipulation then GTFO.

the evasion_kid

Wibbs wrote: »

For grief and the like, of course I'm supportive, hell getting bubbly over a film or whatever no biggie either, but if I catch a whiff of manipulation then GTFO.

was going to write this nearly word for word when I seen the thread title.

Frowzy

sup_dude wrote: »

He gets angry at her and causes arguments for grieving... I'm not sure how any decent person could even consider doing that, awkward around tears or not...

Ok, so I guess the consensus is that we're married to assholes! TBH I always thought that it was just that men felt awkward when faced with tears. My husband will hug me and stuff but it's always with a tut and a "don't cry"! If I divorce him over this surely then I will be misunderstanding him

I guess my question really is does his frustration stem from my crying or that I'm upset in the first place. As I say I don't cry often so he's not used to it!

Kintarō Hattori

If my missus cries because she's upset or emotional about something I'll give her lots of sympathy and pull her close to me so I can give her an auld hug.

She's not prone to crying for silly reasons so any tears are met with empathy.

Frowzy

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

If my missus cries because she's upset or emotional about something I'll give her lots of sympathy and pull her close to me so I can give her an auld hug.

She's not prone to crying for silly reasons so any tears are met with empathy.

But how would you react if she was crying over something that you can't fix? Would you get frustrated?

I generally feel that I've lost the argument.

manonboard

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

OP, I largely think its because most men are not very good at processing thier emotions. So when one pops up, one we can't deal with, the usual reaction is to become angry at whatever outside of us is 'causing it'.
A woman crying is no different than a red light, or a dog barking. Just something outside of ourselves doing what its doing, and we as people having internal fear that we don't know how to handle.

In the specific case of crying, we often can feel helpless to help. We can't make you feel better, and we feel bad or uncomfortable that you are upset. Really its just a reflection of our powerlessness and our own inability to sit comfortably with ourselves whilst someone is in pain.
Theres no skill teaching for most men so we have no idea what to do.

There is also alot of societal conditioning that we should be doing a better job, keeping 'our' woman safe and happy etc. When we 'fail' at this, its a massive assault to our identity, and therefore we get defensive and angry at the perceived source of it. You..rather than ourselves.

The same is true for women doing the crying. Your not being made to feel guilty about crying, anymore than the man is being made to feel angry or scared. In the same way, you find it hard to stop yourself from feeling guilty by partially believing you are making your partner angry, he is also finding it hard to not feel scared or guilty by watching you sad/upset.

It's all rubbish learning and conditioning though. Its a pattern that constantly gets played out to everyone detriment. It takes a long time to work through the stuff that enforces it. eg: the woman has to want the man to not be upset when she is up. Often this is called uncaring. So she pressures him into it by using guilt. The man then also needs to stop pressuring the woman into not expressing and repressing her feelings, and stop considering it as part of his identity/role. Neither are good people by being upset about the others upset, and neither are bad people by not being upset. Both just need to learn to let go of the roles they expect/demand from each other.

*Excuse the gender stereotyped roles, its just easier explaining referencing them. They're complete rubbish too.

jester77

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

It depends on the situation, but in this instance they are displaying a serious lack of empathy to start an argument, wtf :eek: I'd be quickly telling the other person where to go in not so kind words.

Now if they started crying over some crappy soap opera or movie scene then that would be totally detumescent for me.

Iang87

I do get frustrated but its more a frustration at myself and not being able to prevent it happening. I dont show my frustration as that will only add to the issue.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I don't cry a lot. If I'm crying then there's something serious going on, as I'm not a crier. Depends on the man of course but I've personally never come across a guy who got mad at me for crying.
My brother is the biggest asshole I know, but even he is a bit nicer if he sees me/makes me cry. He's done some dispicable stuff that I wouldn't cry about but then sometimes he'll go too far, or I'll be upset about something else and he'll be the straw that breaks the camels back.
He wouldn't be the huggy type, but he's very practical.
The first birthday my dad was gone for, the day before I cried all day long, I don't even know why but I was so upset I couldn't even pretend not to be. I sobbed myself to sleep, trying to stop crying, so those gaspy cries would have come randomly. He heard, but he didn't ask what was wrong. Instead he rang my best friend and demanded to know what was after happening and why was I so upset. She didn't know, obviously. But I think he copped on.
The next day was my birthday, and when I came home that evening there was a beautiful bottle of perfume, a card and a cake. He wasn't there, and I think that's the only time he's ever given me something for my birthday.

My oh will hug it out. I know he doesn't like tears, it makes him worried but I'll get cuddles until I'm not sad anymore. Weirdo always sniffs my hair too which always makes me laugh no matter how sad I am.

Around the time my dad was diagnosed with cancer I burst into tears at a house party after someone made a joke about dying and it was a touchy subject.
I marched upstairs on my own so as nobody could see. My best friends boyfriend knew I was crying, the girls followed me upstairs too. He knew I'd be mortified them seeing me crying so he sent them all back downstairs, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told me even his baby daughter didn't cry as much as I was which made me laugh and kind of stopped it.

So, yeah. In my experience it's either hugs, distractions, or a practical solution. No being mean.

Penny Tration

I guess a person getting annoyed at someone for crying simply can't understand why they're crying, or feel awkward. That gives them no right to start an argument or be disdainful though! That's a pretty sh!tty thing to do.

I don't cry often, but the three times my boyfriend has seen me cry -

1. At a movie. He laughed at me but gave me a hug.

2. In an argument because he said something really nasty and downright unnecessary, purely to hurt me (ie I wasn't crying to manipulate him) - he immediately realised he was out of line, apologised, tried to hug me and gave me space when I shrugged him off.

3. at a death. Spent hours comforting me, holding me, soothing me and talking me through it.

He doesn't cry and doesn't really "get" why people would, but would never use it as an excuse to be an asshole. Even if he didn't understand it, he'd do the right thing and comfort me

Peregrine

Frowzy wrote: »

I guess my question really is does his frustration stem from my crying or that I'm upset in the first place. As I say I don't cry often so he's not used to it!

I think you're generalising men a lot in this thread.

If your husband gets frustrated with you when you cry, you'll have to ask him why. We couldn't possibly tell you why.

If your friend's husband gets angry at her for crying while grieving for her friend then, I'm sorry to say this, he sounds like an arsehole.

RWCNT

Can't understand anyone who gets angry at someone else for crying. Whatever's gone down may not have been enough to turn on your waterworks but it obviously was for them. Everyone has different thresholds for this stuff.

PLL

I'm a fairly emotional person, I try not to cry about ridiculous things like movies openly infront of my fiancé as I don't want to draw attention to that kind of silly emotion.

My fiancé has always been there when I'm actually upset. Sometimes when he comes home from his high adrenaline job he can be a little agitated so he may be a little detached from me being upset but after relaxing he will come and cheer me up/comfort me.

The only time he has told me to stop crying is in arguments when I'm sure like other posters have mentioned he thinks I'm trying to win or get sympathy. Im actual fact if I cry it's because I genuinely can't deal with the arguing at that moment, usually I'm well able to have an argument, I like to get my point across, not cry my way out of it. Hate that kind of manipulation.

Penny Tration

Peregrine wrote: »

I think you're generalising men a lot in this thread.

If your husband gets frustrated with you when you cry, you'll have to ask him why. We couldn't possibly tell you why.

If your friend's husband gets angry at her for crying while grieving for her friend then, I'm sorry to say this, he sounds like an arsehole.

Yeah, I don't think is a gender issue. I know many men who will comfort a crying woman, and I also know many women who will have no idea what to do and back right away from the situation.

Speedwell

The more I cry, the more my husband shuts off and goes distant. Which is really ironic because sometimes the reason I'm crying is I just need some closeness and I'm tired of him always being busy with something else. I tried explaining that one minute of fussing over me, just a sincere smile and hug, would do me for the whole day, but he is high-functioning autistic and he just isn't a person to whom touch comes naturally.

There's a lot of reason to believe that I'm also high-functioning autistic, but it manifests differently in women and I've got it down to where things are just harder for me, not impossible. I admit that I also feel lost and scared when my husband (or anyone else) is strongly emotional. Christ, what a pair we are. lol...

catbear

When this grieving person cries in front of her husband has she explained what she's grieving about?

I ask this seriously as I was once going out with a girl when her father died as a result of a car crash. I was there for the initial shock and took time off work to help with the aftermath.
However months later she'd frequently burst out crying, I totally understood it was grief but she'd start arguing with me about why can't I be more emotionally empathetic etc.. I was there for her and her family the whole time.

This resulted in a few arguments and the more I tried to defuse them the worse it got. I'd say I empathize but it offered her no relief when she was in balls of tears. She took my suggestion of grief counseling badly as she thought I was fobbing her off but truly it felt the only response she'd accept was a corresponding amount of tears.

It was frustrating for me as I felt totally inadequate to help relieve the suffering of the person I loved and being around her when she was this brittle felt like walking on glass. Then the episode would pass but when friends are around she'd tell them she's been getting on fine since her fathers death while I sat there wondering what's the bloody point in trying.

I did what I could but ultimately I felt she was taking her anger of grief out on me and ultimately it pretty much destroyed out relationship. I look back and don't know what I could have done differently, I'm not a tear machine that can be switched on anytime nor am I emotionally cold; my own fathers passing was a very emotional time but my present partners presence was all the support I needed.

Buona Fortuna

What ya genna cry now?

Kintarō Hattori

Frowzy wrote: »

But how would you react if she was crying over something that you can't fix? Would you get frustrated?

In my case if she's crying it's because she's genuinely upset about something. In that situation it's only right and proper to offer some comfort- they are upset after all.
Just because a person can't fix something doesn't mean they shouldn't offer a shoulder to cry into. We can't fix everything that's wrong in someone's world so there's no need to be heartless feckers.

Elemonator

If its for something genuine, I get all confused and in my mind its just "what do I do.........what do I do..........what do I do..........what do I do.........."

But if its being used for manipulative ways, like crocodile tears and its being used to extract a reaction, then I will lose my s***. It's never happened to me though.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I think if you hold his hand in an arguement it's better than tears. When we fight, if he's shouting at me I will take his hand and he won't shout, he'll either stop fighting with me, or he'll get his point across without being so angry.

Tears in an arguement just sounds draining on everyone. It wouldn't even cross my mind to cry. Even if I was genuinely sad id hate to give him the power to make me cry.

Speedwell

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Tears in an arguement just sounds draining on everyone. It wouldn't even cross my mind to cry. Even if I was genuinely sad id hate to give him the power to make me cry.

Tears are very draining, but some of us don't have a lot of control over the way our emotions get expressed. I have had many talks with my husband over subjects that upset me and I don't mean to cry but I do. For example, last month, the day I received my pay I paid all the bills and dealt with all the monthly obligations and one-off things we needed, and there was barely enough in the bank for the last direct debit bill and food for the month. I'm not complaining, I have a full tank in the car and a few hundred euro in case of a true emergency. But when I was telling my husband what had happened and we were going over the bank statement, I cried. A lot. And I said, "I'm just upset I let us get this close to the wire. I don't mean to cry. I don't want to cry. I'm sorry." And he said, "I wish you wouldn't do that. You didn't do anything wrong. We have plenty in the freezer and we'll be OK. You worry too much." (Yes, I do.) He was acutely uncomfortable and I wasn't helping, though to be honest I was not in much of a state to be helpful in that way.

DeltaWhite

Coming from an all male family, I know this feeling all too well. I get the slaggins about crying which now at this stage has made me hide away whenever I get upset about the death of our Mam or other things that are monumental in my life.

It is sad to think that I have to hide when I cry from my own flesh and blood. Just because they aren't able to deal with the tears of a woman! My last bf was even worse! What is it that's so bad????

Jesus Wept

Turned on.

HamsterFace

Je suis Mario wrote: »

Turned on.

Ditto. Tears make great lube.

H3llR4iser

There are many differences; I've met a few women in my life who, rather unconsciously I would say, did actually use crying as the ultimate way to get their wishes - they simply used to burst in tears whenever they'd run out of options.

One particularly "funny" occurrence was one girlfriend many years ago, whom I found a couple of times crying when coming back from the gym. She guilted me into giving up exercise to spend more time with her, only to be crying three months later about the fact I had put on weight, which in her mind meant I "didn't care about her" .

Besides the "manipulation" scenarios, I do have very little patience for extreme weakness of character and lack of willpower. I am but an average person - nothing has ever been handed to me on a silver plate, I had to fight for some of the things I achieved, but other than that I can't say I had it particularly harder than the next guy or girl. Yet, I did meet a couple of girls who, faced with even the smallest bump in the road (e.g. a refusal letter from a job application or generally something not going as they wished), rather than steel up and look forward, learning from the experience, started crying and going on about "injustice" and the likes - like a small child. That, is something I actually can't remotely stand.

Other than that (and crying about a concert, or about seeing some idol or one sort or another), I will admit being a sucker - I will try to do as much as I possibly can to help, even if it's just something stupid to lighten the mood.

I've worked with women in the past who were subjected to a relevant amount of mobbing by a$$holish coworkers (long story), and seeing them cry in the office was amongst the saddest things I've experienced - they didn't deserve any of it.

Of course the same goes with a partner - most likely, if she's crying is because of something that deeply affects her (e.g. losing someone), so being supportive is a must in my eyes.

cronin_j wrote: »

...
The most awkward one is where a work colleague starts bawling... you cant give em a hug and you cant give out so i tend to just ignore it or fake a concerned face.

Well, it can be awkward, but you spend a relevant amount of time with these people, they are more important than most think. As I said earlier, I would not ignore them. Depending on the level of confidence with the person in question, I'd try to politely offer some help - sometimes even handing a packet of kleenex will go a long way. I don know we live in a completely mental world where everybody wants to see "sexual harassment" into everything, but what the hell...

Tombi!

HamsterFace wrote: »

Ditto. Tears make great lube.

Mod: banned

Frowzy

Peregrine wrote: »

I think you're generalising men a lot in this thread.

If your husband gets frustrated with you when you cry, you'll have to ask him why. We couldn't possibly tell you why.

If your friend's husband gets angry at her for crying while grieving for her friend then, I'm sorry to say this, he sounds like an arsehole.

I'm sorry! It wasn't my intention to generalise, however in general I'm getting sympathy from female family members or friends.

We did lose a friend, however I respect her decision to go and I know I can't change that. It's not why I've been crying though! I didn't think the reason for my crying would be relevant but it seems that it is. Something happened at work a couple of months ago, I didn't tell my husband at the time because I'm not a dramatic person, I can look after myself and I thought making a formal complaint would suffice. Long story short I'm not as strong as I thought! After my friend died it all got too much and I did break down, now I'm on sick leave from work and spend all day crying.

I know that any man would be angry if another man touched his wife in an inappropriate way, but I can't help but cry when I talk about it, he says he can't talk to me when I'm crying so we're at a stalemate right now, I just want him not to be angry with me!

suicide_circus

I manage a lot of women in work, tears are used selectively on a weekly basis.

Maguined

It obviously depends completely upon the context of what caused the tears. Serious issues illicit sympathy, melodrama results in frustration and manipulation causes utter disdain.

Sleepy

It depends on the context really. If it's patent attention seeking / drama I'd get frustrated in a "get a ****ing grip of yourself" way. If it's having a sniffle at a soppy movie I'll laugh. If it's a real moment of grief over a close friend / family member's death I'll be incredibly sympathetic but tbh, there have been moments when the o/h will end up crying over the death of someone she knew briefly 20 years ago. That's just silly imo, you've no attachment to that person any more, if you had, it wouldn't have been 20 years since you saw each other last.

MadDog76

Seeing people, in general, cry makes me feel awkward unless they're children ........ I usually don't know what to do, I suppose I should comfort them but I'm not a comforting kinda man to be honest.

If my wife cries at something sad on tv I'll usually just laugh at her ........ if she cries because she's upset/worried/hurt about something, I'll give her a hug and try say something positive .......... if she cries because we're arguing I get annoyed and say something like "just because you're crying doesn't mean you're right!"

arayess

Deleted User wrote: »

He gets angry cos she cries about a friend who died by suicide?

Christ he sounds like an asshole!

he sure does.
but the OP doesn't give the time frame and the extent to to which this crying impinges on his life. The context is key.

If she continually cries over this to the extent that they have no relationship and a constant sense of sadness in the home and the friend is a long time dead then i see his reaction as reasonable. he is entitled to a life too.

Sympathy and understanding is fine but there is a time when the grieving should end. I mean the extreme point of grieving where it takes over. Of course we all grieve for somebody who has passed away, I'm not saying that is a bad thing at all.

Its' easy to sit in judgement here when it's not your life that is being impacted.